Saturday, December 27, 2008

Melisande D'Angecoeur Or Grey Sky Story (working title)

Presber County, Dillon Farm

It was a cold, dreary, sunless morning in late November. Heavy, laden clouds hung low in the sky, threatening the storm they promised. Under this blanket of grey sat the Dillon's farm on soft, rolling, hills dotted with trees. The hills were nothing more than raw brown earth this time of year. The trees were barren, save for a few stubborn leaves clinging desperately to the empty branches. The farmhouse and barns could be seen in the distance, clustered together on a hill, as if they too knew a storm was coming. The fields lay empty, having born their crops long since, all but one that is, the goosenberries had yet to come in. Rows of bushes sill holding onto their now dull, green, waxy leaves held clusters of fully ripe, burgundy and bright green coloured berries. The expanse of bushes crossed the road that ran through the Dillon farm and continued for almost a full acre.

Since she was eleven, Melisande had been in charge of the collection of goosenberries. She had a nose for frost. The berries were sweetest when brought in after the first light frost, but before any real freeze hit them. In this part of the country frost and freezing followed close behind each other. Hers was a knack that made a pretty profit, as goosenberries were in high demand for the Winter Festival that was but a short week away. Goosenberry pie on the first night of the festival was a well-coveted treat and was paid dearly for.

Ever practical, Melisande preferred warm to 'lady-like'. So today, like many days, she did not look like a lady. It was a constant battle between her and her mother to get her to act and dress more like a young lady should. Stubborn, and willful Melisande often won. Besides, what did it matter what she wore when she was out in the fields; who was there to see her other than her family and their workers. Today she wore a thick, steel blue, wool sweater two sizes too big, over a simple deeper blue dress. Her skirts were hiked up to keep them from the mud, showing her thick wool pants beneath. Her long chestnut brown hair was loosely braided, and half-hidden under her sea blue toque. She wore fingerless wool gloves and rubber boots just like the rest of the workers, and her family. They were all out in the field today. They needed to get the crop is as fast as they could or they would loose it.

Melisande stood in row of goosenberry bushes, knife in one hand, berry cluster held gingerly in the other. One quick snip and the berries were in her hand. Quickly but gently she placed them in the half-full basket hanging from her wrist. She looked up along the row of bushes at the workers briskly cutting clusters and transferring them to awaiting baskets. Her eyes went to the sky. She whispered a quick prayer to Fria, goddess of nature, to hold off on her storm until tonight. Melisande only hopped there would be enough time. Her breathe was white in front of her, but her layers of wool kept her warm, save for her hands. Her fingers were almost numb from the cold, but the action was automatic now, she'd been doing this for 6 seasons. Hold, cut fast, release softly, repeat.

Note: I've been trying to get this right for, oh more tha ten years now, and I've never found a way to explain they grey dreary scene I saw in my head. This, this is an attempt I actually like. I'm tickled pink, so to speak. And I'm hoping I can make a story of it.

Depressing Rant for a Depressing Rainy day

Why is it that people that don't even know me, that know almost nothing about me, presume to know what I should do, what's best for me, what I'm going wrong, etc, etc???

I've been sullen and miserable for the past 24 hours, and other than being made fun of for something I can't control, that's been the major cuase of my woes. I feel belitted, uesless (at least in their eyes), broken, and plain just not good enough.

Who the fuck are they to decide I'm not good enough! Do they even know me?! No. No they do not.

Why is there something automatically wrong with me because I don't want to drive, because I don't want to work as a civil engineer?? I'm not sure I could, truthfully, but more importantly I don't want to! I've only seen a peek of that world, but I'm really not interested.

Who the fuck are they to tell me what I should do!?! *growl*

But I can't shake this feeling. This knot in my stomach, this deep ache that they think I'm not good enough, that they think I'm useless, and that he could do better. I wish it didn't matter. I know I shouldn't really care. But I can't help caring a little. I know it doesn't matter right this minute to him, but I can't help but worry he's going to agree with them one day soon. That he too will get fed up with me, that he'll come to think they are right, and leave me. :(

I want to shake it. Part of me knows it's silly. But I can't help feeling low. I can't help worrying. *sigh* I've been unemployed for two years now. I feel useless and hopeless enough without people passing judgement on me. Fuckers. Who are they to pass judgement, who are they to say damnit. They don't know me. They don't know what it's like for me. They haven't a clue about my life. Their opinions shouldn't hold any weight...except they are his people, and it hurts. :(

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Merry Christmas! Let's Bake!

So I haven't posted in forever about all the lovely stuff I've made (both knitting and baking), but today isn't the day either. I'm just about to head off to my parents for a few days, and I really want to be able to leave before 3pm. I'm gussing it's going to be an unfun drive anyway. Wet snow. Our second snowfall, and everyone seems to have fogotten how to drive in the snow. doh.

It's the Christmas season, the big day is fast approching, and I'm no closer to having gifts for the ones I love than I was, oh, this time last month. doh. I've decided some people will be getting baking, but I've yet to actually do the baking. I'm actually taking the ingredients to my parents to bake them there! Deadlines and all.

I joined a cookie swap this year, so by next monday I need to make 108 cookies! GAH. Wish me luck! I'm hoping I have time to make them Friday/Saturday/Monday. Somewhere in there anyway. Frig, I haven't even made a test batch yet! I have no idea if they will even be acceptable!

The crazy thing is, of course, is that I'll be getting almost as many cookies back as I give!! Gah. I don't know what I'll do with that many cookies. I think I will re-gift some of them to a friend with kids who doesn't bake. Hopefully she'll appreciate them, or at least her kids and husband might. Some I know we'll eat... The rest? Well... Maybe Chris can take them to work.... Or I'll have to find a local shelter that's willing to accept home-baked cookies... Do they even do that? I have no idea.

We have a tiny christmas tree on the table/desk here that I bought cause I needed something. Right now it has ghetto decorations of shiny candy wrappers since I couldn't find any bulbs the right size that I liked in the least. It doesn't really feel like Christmas here at all. That makes me a little sad. It's also totally not motivating me to get my Christmas shit together.

I got my Pa a little something, but it's something I know he'll like and use for once, so it's a small victory there. I decided to knit my mom a sweater because I looked all over the place and I couldn't find any that I really liked, and most of the ones that were just 'okay' were $70 plus! Well I can knit one for that price! One I'll love and I think she'll like and will last her a long time! So that's what I'm doing. *nods*

I've decided Chris needs to buy/decide on gifts for his family. It doesn't work out so well when I get involved. But he's yet to decide. I really hate leaving shit like this to the last minute! It stresses me out. I love the man, but he's terrible about the timely gift-buying thing. He's a man, blah blah blah. I don't care, that's no excuse! Half these gifts have a damn long way to go, it's important they get there on time. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it, but it bothers the fuck out of me, which is why I keep mentioning it, and have done since the end of November. And I really can't just be "whatever", it freaking reflects on me too, and I'm not like that damnit! It's the 9th, and it's KILLING ME all my shopping isn't done. I can't enjoy the season with shit like that hanging over me. Which I guess is what I should say instead of "we, you really need to decided what to get your family", because that obviously isn't helping the situation. Sutble doesn't work with men... though I didn't realise I was being at all subtle. damnit.

Anyway! I'm poor, most people are getting very modest gifts... In fact, I think most will end up getting baking - that I have a say in... I've stopped buying for friend's kids a year or more ago, because I have no money. I couldn't, and still can't afford it damnit. Not like they miss it with the shitload of crap their parents buy them.

I don't feel like I'm doing enough for my parents though. My mommy gave me money; she said "it's not a lot", but for me it's more money than has come my way in a long ass time. I feel bad because I can't return the favor in kind. She knows I don't have a job or any money as a result, which is probably why she gave me the money, so I could buy myself the things I want but can't realy afford. Trouble is, it's been really hard to spend the money. There isn't all that much that's gift-worthy that I want. I've been told I'm not allowed to ask for a nice frying pan or a knife that will actually cute tomatoes for Christmas.. But really.. those two things are top of my list of wants/needs. I can live without the frying pan, but we really shouldn't be eating the non-stick coating like we are now. I can also live without the knife, but it's driving me fucking batty trying to saw through tomatoes with the dull knifes we have now. *sigh* I have bought some lovely body butter, a needle case, some knitting books and such. But I still have a good chunk of the money left. I kinda really need to get my hair cut and coloured, so I'm thinking of using it for that.... We'll see.

Okay, I really need to get ready now. Babbling must cease. Merry Chrsitmas! I hope everyone isn't as stressed out about it all as I am! Bleck. I hate the stress. I like the part that comes after... Damnit. And that's usually where I am by this time.... damnit.. oh well.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Rememberance Day

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

— Lt.-Col. John McCrae

I can't read it without crying, without having my heart swell in both sorrow and gratitude. Sorrow for all those that have suffered and lost their lives fighting for our safety, for our freedom. Gratitude that there are such selfless brave people among us, willing to put the safety and freedoms of others above their own.

We must never forget, never forget that ones that have come before us, that have given their lives to keep us safe. But not just us, others too. I keep thinking about WWII, and what would have happened if we hadn't fought Hitler and won. How different this world would be. I wouldn't be here, that's for sure. Only part German, with Native American mixed in... No, my grandfather would have been for the gas chambers....

We must never forget. Never forget the debt we owe. Never forget the mess of war. The more we remember, the less eagerly we will jump into another war, at least that is always my hope.

Though soldiers die every day. Men and women we send overseas to fight, to protect in foreign countries. Their sacrifice is no less valuable. I may not agree with why and where they are being sent, but the fact that they go, that the agreed to put their lives on the line, in my mind, it makes them every bit the hero. To them we owe a debt of gratitude all the same.

I know I likely sound like a sap, but I don't don't care. I think it's a wonderful, amazing thing that someone would risk their life, would fight, would kill, would die, protecting someone, many someones, they don't know, that aren't connected with them. That they would do this for their country, for their people. It it a good thing. And I feel the debt we owe.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Willful Misunderstanding?

I gave myself a migraine today. Totally by accident of course. Who would ever willingly submit themselves to unending mind-altering pain?!

You know that old joke:

Patient: Doctor it hurts when I do this. [Patient acts out some motion]
Doctor: Then don't do that!

Well, that would be my trouble in a nutshell.

Every time I touch my temples I give myself a migraine. A raging, please-kill-me, I-can't-think, migraine. Every time.

So don't do that, right? Have you ever tired that? I mean honestly tried to not touch a part of yourself? It just happens damnit! And to be honest, I don't touch my temples that often, so I forget. It's so easy to forget. But as soon as my fingers even so much as graze my temples they hurt, and I feel the headache building. Not a fucking thing I can do about it at that point of course.

Fuck it hurts so incredibly bad. *pouts*

Why on earth would such a simple thing, such a light touch cause this much pain? How?? How is this even possible?!

I wish I could cry, but I can't even do that. It's too overwhemling. :(

I feel so very frustrated. There is NOTHING I can take. All I have are a few(very few) tylenol 3s, and I'm pretty sure even three of them wouldn't help me right now. There isn't a gods damn thing that can help. I can't even fucking sleep cause I'm in too much pain. I'm going to toss and turn all night. *sigh*

I wanted to bitch about Chris, and how I think sometimes he willfully misunderstands me.. That's most certainly how it feels lately. He never lets me finish what I'm saying, he just starts in lecturing me about how I'm going about things all wrong. Seriously fucking annoying that. Frustrating. Infuriating actually. Bah. Oh well. It's times like these I wonder how it's all going to end....

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Sweater Curse

I'm starting to believe in the Sweater Curse.
Now, I don't think Chris and I are in trouble, far from it, but that damn sweater sure is! It's very probable we could break up before the damn thing was done because it's never going to be done! One step forward, two steps back. Literally.


I've never been this frustrated with anything I've ever knit before. I've ripped out the whole sleeve twice, and had to rip back at least five other times on it!! Damn thing. I'm having sooo much trouble with it.

My gauge (in sleeve) is all over the place. The first time I started knitting the stockinette portion I knit it way too tight, I ripped back three inches and tried again. I overcompensated, it was way too loose, so I had to rip back again. Tried for a third time - better, but then the decreases were way off for the new gauge and had to rip back again. Started over, realised my gauge was now way too looose - I was overcompensation. Damnit. Ripped back. Now I'm starting over, for the seventh time with this sleeve.

Never more frustrated! Have I mentioned?? Oh. my. fucking. gods.

I'd take pictures, but I'm too lazy. And disgusted with it all frankly. Damn thing. I just want to get it done now. SO maddening.

It will be lovely when it's done, but right now it's just soooooo maddening.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Lucy, Daughter of the Devil

Devil: Hello?
Lucy: Hey it's me. I need to borrow a hundred and eighty dollars. I wanna take a pottery class.
Devil: Um, I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars, so...No!
Lucy: Where are you?
Devil: Oh, I'm at my dildo factory.
Lucy: You have a dildo factory?
Devil: Yeah, of course. Sinsperations.
Lucy: I know Sinsperations!
Devil: You do?
Lucy: Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...
Devil: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn't wanna hear Baby's ideas about dildos.
Lucy: No, it's a vibrator. It's the one...
Devil: No, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you, no.
Lucy: Dad! So prudish! I'm a big, big masturbator. I thought you knew that about me. It's kinda my thing.
Devil: Bye.
Lucy: You know what, I would love to come in and do product testing.
Devil: Bye, I shut my phone.
Lucy: Oh, do you have a Bring your Daughter to Work Day?

This show is just so damn funny. In that it's wrong but it's funny anyway, sort of way.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Aww, He's so damn sweet!

When I opened Yahoo messenger this morning I got this message(from yesterday afternoon):

Thursday, October 9, 2008, 2:24pm

Hello, I was just thinking about you. I hope you're having a good day and stuff. I could use a hug, my brain is glazing over.

He's such a sweet man. Now I wish he was here so I could hug him!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Truth Time

I'm hopeless. I mean that literally -- I've lost all hope.

I don't see the point in trying, I know I should, and I feel guilty about not trying, it eats me up, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's not just the lack of hope. There's lots of fear involved. I know I'll get overwhelmed. I always so. I just end up feeling useless, and powerless, and trapped. I don't want to go through that. I.. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know nothing good will come of it. I'm convinced at this point. So why torture myself? No matter how hard I try, no matter what 'game face' I put on, it's all pointless.

You see? I'm hopeless.

I wish I knew how to overcome this. I wish I was stronger, braver, something... But I'm not. I'm just me - a broken down mess.

You know, I'm not even sure at this point that I could hold down a full time job. I'm so flipping broken. Right now I get allergy shots every month, from the RN at my Doctor's office, in Hamilton. I'm not even sure how I'd be able to work that out with any kind of job. But that's not all. I'm broken. I can't walk or stand for any real length of time. So any job that requires me to be on my feet, I physically can no longer do. I have some kind of nerve bundle in my foot, and eventually I'll need to go see a specialist about that.. Gods know what kind of treatment that will require. I have chronic headaches, of varying kinds it seems. Incurable, so far untreatable. The pain is debilitating. I wish it was seen as an actual disability, perhaps then I could get government help in supporting myself, or finding a job....equal opportunity and all that. Right now it's just a major deterrent for anyone employing me or keeping me on. I'm quite sure it had a major role in my dismissal from my only real job.


The only reason I'm not totally and completely screwed right now is that my darling, darling man has decided to take care of me. I really don't feel like I deserve it. I'm a bad 'housewife', and he deserves better regardless. Right now I don't feel like I can do this for much longer; the guilt is eating me up. He's just too good to me; I don't deserve it. I feel like I should move back in with my parents, in a way... Somehow I think I'd feel less guilty about them taking care of me... Even though, not being here with Chris would be hard, really really hard... I'd miss him like crazy... And I know he'd miss me and... Gah... I just don't know what to do.... *sigh*

Friday, September 12, 2008

BME: Body Modification Ezine

Poor Rachel. Sometimes I just think she's too nice. She expects others to be as reasonable and civilized as she is. Which, frankly most poeple, especially the scum that try to fuck with her and BME, are not.

So today I read her IAM page and someone else is pretending to be BME, and is actually saying they are the real BME. Really flipping weird that is! I mean, their website goes no where... BME is a huge respository of over ten years of Body Modification experiences of the 'community'. Hello.

I feel bad for Rachel, like she doesn't have enough on her plate she has to deal with this shit too.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

And Life Goes On

Middle of August I think it was, I started working retail again. Part time of course. Truthfully, I really don't think I could take more than 3 6 hour shifts a week. I'm SO fucking sore. My feet are just killing me. Even my ancles and knees are starting to ache and give out. I am just not suited to retail hell in any way shape or form.

It's really sad in a way. Since it's the only job I've been able to get. I may have an education, but it's really not helped me thus far in finding a job of any kind. I'm sure sure they didn't hire me for my retail gig becuase I have a degree. *sigh*

What really sucks is I have absolutley no one I can talk to about this. I just... I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and so fucking useless. Every time I try to talk to Chris about it he just gets mad and me and yells at me for half an hour, or worse, if we aren't in person, he'll just blow up at me and go offline. Yay. Way to make me feel about this ---------> <--------- big!

So I can't talk to him. And I don't know who else I can talk to. I don't really know any of my knew friends in Toronto well enough to talk to them about this shit. And.. well... of my other friends that I'd be willing to talk to about it, they never have any time for me. :(

I just. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Frankly, I'm not even sure how much more of this my body can take. Even my poor hand, the one I had surgery on is aching like a fiend the past few days. It's just too much. *pout*

And the worst of it is..... Even though I don't work every day, I'm so tired from retail hell, like every day I'm dead on my feet, rather literally, that I don't have the energy to go looking for another job.

But really, since getting yelled at, and belittled, I just haven't had the...... courage to face it. I just. I feel so utterly hopeless, and so utterly overwhelmed by it all. I can't even bare to look at the automated emails I have set up with the banks.... I just.... I'm without hope. I don't feel like I have a chance in hell of anyone EVER hiring me for anything I'm actually qualified for.

*pout* Honestly, I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I know that won't solve anything, but I honestly don't feel like I'm capable of solvoing anything anyway. :( I suck. In the worst sort of way. :(

Friday, August 22, 2008


Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

By Sarah McLachlan

Thursday, August 21, 2008


I was struck tonight, or perhaps reminded is the better word, of a scene, and a character in one of my all time favourite movies - When Night is Falling. At one point the character, can you believe I can't remember the man's name? I'm bad with names, what can I say.

Anyway, this poor, unfortunate man, has this conversation with his girlfriend about silence. He's telling her about a lecture he heard at a conference... The lecturer says something along the lines of Silence is Golden. Sometimes the most unselfish thing you can do in a relationship is be silent. This modern compulsion to say everything, to share everything just isn't healthy. Sometimes, the best answer, the best thing you can do for your relationship, is to just be silent.

Now, in the movie what he's really doing it telling his girlfriend, without having to say it, that he knows she's cheated, and he can't bare to hear her say it; he'd much rather they just both pretend it never happened.

This is not the case with me, thank the gods. I was reminded of this because, like him, I am compelled to agree - Silence is Golden. There really are just times when staying silent, when being silent, is the most unselfish thing one can do. There are times when silence is needed. When the absence of silence will cause far more discord than any worth could be had from saying.....whatever it is one is want to say.

I know this is true. I have learned it the hard way -- by saying what ought not to have been said. Both times when I have done so in the resent past, I have realised only too late that I should have kept my mouth shut. It was not worth it to say what I did. No value came from it, only hurt and....distance.

I hope to someday learn this lesson. In the meantime..... I wish I had somewhere else I could get away from the now painfully uncomfortable silence... Mostly, however, I wish I had some way I could wash away the hurt feelings and... ruffled distance. I am not one of those people that always knows the right thing to say, unfortunately. You know the kind of people I mean, the ones that have a magic way of breaking any tension, of bringing sunshine to any darkness... That is just so not me. *sigh*

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Angry Rant

I just got told by some jackass that refusing to do things I KNOW will cuase me pain is the same fucking thing as giving up!

HOW the fuck does that work?!?!?

My goal is to NOT have headaches, doesn't it therefore make PERFECT sense to refuse treatments I know will only cause me more pain and more headaches?!?!

Fucking jackass. I am NOT giving up!! I'm just not going to do something that doesn't fucking make any sense. *growl*

WHAT THE FUCK. How the fuck is that even close to the same thing?!!? Jackass.

I'm in pain, I'm frustrated, I'm trying to find answers that work, I keep bugging my GP to send to me to specialist after specialist.. No one seems to have any kind of helpful answer, so we move on to the next one. Wouldn't giving up be NOT seeing them???

Seriously, who the fuck wouldn't refuse treatment they knew would cause them pain!? I fucking tried it AGAIN even!! I did! I fucking tired it, and you know what? It fucking hurt all over again! Every fucking time I got a fucking headache!

I spent money I don't have on a fucking sinus rinse kit, and I followed the directions properly, and the water actually drained this time (last time at least half stayed in my head), but I STILL got a headache. Every fucking time!! Half the time I didn't even HAVE a headache before I started!!! That's the killer.. Cause I sure as fuck had one when I was done!!!!!!

I went to see the ENT to STOP the fucking headaches NOT to create more for myself!

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but OBVIOUSLY sinus rinces do NOT work for me!!!!!!!! *Grumble*

Fucking jackass. Who the fuck is he to talk!? He doesn't have a fucking clue.

I am NOT giving up. What the fuck. I am SO pisssed off! I give up enough in my life, I fucking know when I'm giving up, and I am NOT giving up. I refuse to live with this pain. I refuse. And I sure as fuck am not going to create MORE for myself.

Seriously. Who the fuck taught him logic?! Fucking jackass. How fucking dare he!?!

Saturday, August 9, 2008


I've been baking cookies since about 5 pm today, it's now midnight. That's 7 hours of baking! With only like one break for dinner, and one in the middle when my dear man did dishes for me!

I'm dead on my ass tired, and my back is killing me. I really should have stopped after the making of the chocolate chip cookie dough. Frig, I'm so tired that I misread my peanut butter cookie recipe! It said 1 cup of peanut butter, 1/2 cup of butter. I mixed the two up and added a whole cup of butter!

Now this normally wouldn't be an issue, I'd just double the batch and have more cookies than I meant to. But nooo.. When I went to buy ingredients today I didn't buy eggs because I had exactly the right amount of eggs. Doh.

So Chris, being the kind, generous, wants to help kinda man that he is, got out of bed, got dressed, and is currently trudging down to the all night grocery store to buy me eggs!! Sweet, sweet man that he is!

I feel bad. I should have known something would come up and I'd need more eggs. Doh. Live and learn. Hopefully this time I will learn! Dagnabit.

I'm wicked tired, so the plan is to make the dough and chill it, likely in the freezer 'cause that's the only place there is room right now, and bake them in the morning. I hope everyone at Shasta's likes them tomorrow!

Though..... since I'm making sooo many I think I will keep a few of them for home too. That's the plan with the chocolate chip cookies too. Chris asked if I could make some for him as well. 'Cause really, bringing over 100 cookies is a lot excessive!

And he's home! Man he rocks! *beams* I'm lucky, yes, yes I am.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Why does my boyfriend keep sending me links that he knows are just going to infuriate me and make me want to talk about my issue, and then tell me NOT to talk to him about them?!?!?!?!?!

Fucking annoying! Grrrr!

On a related note, I fucking hate the lying scum bags at Telus and I hope they get they asses handed to them in a burlap sack. (Law suits against the big guys)

I suppose verbal contracts aren't binding anymore. I was told by the Telus associate, that along with other things, I would get free incoming text messages, and pay 15ç per outgoing message, and that during my time with Telus - as long as I never changed plans - my fees would never increase.

Well I'd say going from $0 to 15ç an incoming message sure as fuck is a change in fees!! Bastards.

At least I only have two months left. I'm calling in August to make sure they know to cancel my service on the 26th of September becuase I ain't paying them one red cent more.

Fucking money grubbing bastards.

Monday, July 28, 2008


I just felt like I had to share.. It was just one of those moments of such incredible sweetness I needed to tell someone about it. So why not everyone who comes here?

This morning, just before Chris was about to leave for work, he came to say goodbye as he does every morning. Yes, I'm a lazy bones and I sleep in. And he's adorable and always kisses me goodbye. Well this time, he sat down beside me, kinda tucked me in, and told me I looked beautiful. I was drosy, and not quite fully awake, but I think I managed to make a face at him. He expanded saying, "You're normally pretty, but you look beautiful, in a drozy sort of way, but still beautiful." (I think I'm paraphrasing, but that was basically it.)

I just.. I was so overcome. There are no words. My heart melted!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Fucking Telus....

So today I get both a text message and a fucking phone call from telus telling me about some offer the mailed me. Some offer I never got!

The call told me to go to some website and participate in a survey for a chance to win a blackberry, but this is the real kicker, the survey, the recorded phone message lady tells me ends July 21rst.

Note that today is the 24th of July!!!!

Fucking twisted bastards!!!

Now I'm really wondering what the hell the offer was that I never got, and what the hell the servey was about!

Chris has this to say:

Obviously they're going to say in the media that nobody was really interested in their "who wants no charges on incoming text messages" survey. :P

Sadly I think he might be right. Money Grubbing Bastards!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Ugh. Not a good way to start the day.

For the record: I hate eggs again. Not for using in things, eggs are wonderful, necessary ingredients in so many yummy baked good, but on their own, as a food item - really not a fan right now. I go back and forth. Sometimes I like eggs. Sometimes - very rarely, and only once that I can remember - I can't get enough of eggs. Sometimes I just can't bare to eat them.

Well I had 3 egg yolks left over in the fridge, so I added a whole egg, some milk, and a rather large white mushroom. Instant omlet! Of course I broke it into sad little pieces when I tried to flip it. I just cannot get the hang of flipping eggs for the life of me.

So I'm eating the damn thing, but I'm trying really hard not to think about the taste, cause yuck!

I'm sure it also doesn't help that for the past 48 hours is seems I've been cursed with very over-zealous post nasal drip. So much so it's bloody well making me nauseous! Nothing I do seems to help! I've been taking an antihistamine & decongestant. The 24 hr kind that always seems to do the trick when my allergies won't let me breathe. I've been taking my flonase once a day religiously. If you ask me they are both just making it worse!


I don't know what to do! It's hard to be conscious when you are this fucking nauseous. Food sucks cause a feel like you are going to be sick. Hell, standing sucks cause the nausea seems almost overwhelming!

What the hell am I supposed to do?! The only anti-nausea medication of know of is gravol and that doesn't work on me! Well, it works, but not how it's supposed to. Gravol makes me UBER nauseaous, followed by dizzy and insanely nauseous, then so drowsy there is no force in the world that could keep me awake!! It's great if I need to knock myself out. Two Gravol and after an hour of nausea and ickiness, I'll be dead to the world for the next 8 hours.

I don't think it's a sinus infection. I don't have a fever. I'm not all achey and sore all over. I don't have a killer headache. It has to be my allergies. But I'm taking everything I have available to me! What the fuck do I do now?!

I really hate being nauseous. I'd rather have a headache! At least I know how to treat that! What do I do?! What can I do?!

*sigh* *pout*

I've been told that ginger ale helps but that requires the hour long trip there and back to the grocery store, and frankly, I just do not think I am up to it. *pout*

Once again I wish I was at home. Why the fuck aren't there any fucking convenience stores around here?!?!?!?! At home, even if I was alone there are THREE stores in a five minute walking radius. Actually, when well, I could walk there and back in five minutes! What the hell is wrong with this neighbourhood?? Seriously!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Angry Rant

The painters are supposedly coming to finish painting the balcony today. They did the railing on Friday, but it started to rain so they are supposed to come back at some point today to do the ceiling. Why the ceiling of the balcony needs painting and not the floor I don't know. Whatever. I'm just happy the super here is so good about taking care of things. The railings really did need doing.

Them coming back today means however, that I had to schelp everything off the balcony. I was the one who put it back too damnit! And moving those fucking chairs of his really hurt my hand! I told Chris so. I told him I did not want to move them again - that my hand was all sore from doing it. I had to put the ice pack on my hand it was so flipping sore!! He said I wouldn't have to. Well he lied. Damnit. He left for work and didn't move a fucking thing. Well someone had to move them before the painters came, and since I was the only one around that meant me. Grrrrr!

I sent him a text message. A not very pleasant one. Told him, I loved him, but I really hated him for making me move those god damn fucking chairs again. My hand is still sore two fucking hours later. It aches really. It hurts to use my thumb, it hurts to open my hand. It feels all strained and wrong. And I'm totally blaming him for it.

He called me. I wasn't nice. I'm pissed off. I was more pissed off then. Really fucking pissed off. He said I wouldn't have to! Then he fucking forced me to do it. I don't care that he forgot! It's less cruel, but no less inconsiderate! Fuck. He's the one that never fucking lets me do anything! He's the one that's all "careful of your hand!" And then the ONE fucking time I ask him to do something for me, he fucking forgets so I'm forced to do it! Grr. Just. Grrrr!

I'm sitting in the appartment and I don't have a fucking clue what to do with myself today. I know the painters are likely to come at some point, but I don't know when - 9am to 5pm is a big window. I was going to bake today. Coconut cupcakes. But he's pissed me off so badly I have absolutely no fucking desire to bake. Especially not for him. I know that petty and spiteful. But I'm pissed off! I can't help it!

I'm sitting here pouting and frankly I don't want to do a gods damn fucking thing. Well... there are things I kinda want to do, but none of them are productive. In fact they are all very destructive, and I might potentially regret them in the long run. Might. Maybe...

Spiteful. I'm spiteful and I know it. It's hard to control it and frankly I'm far too pissed off to really even want to.

He told me to go out and enjoy the weather when he left. The fucking 88% humidity and 60% chance of rain weather. Yeah, cause that sounds like really good fucking idea.

Especially after he forced me to sleep in! He actually did you know. I was about to get up and he very literally came over and pushed me back down into bed. Now my neck is killing me and I've got a fucking headache. I'm totally blaming him for my pain. I didn't have a headache when I woke up! If he'd only just fucking let me get up. But nooooooo! He just had to be in control. It's really seriously fucking annoying after awhile- his pushy, I-must-ALWAYS-be-in-control attitude.

I can't do fuck all. I can't ever help. "I was going to do that," he always says and stops me from ever being even slightly fucking useful whenever I try. Pisses me right the fuck off.

I really just do not want to be here right now. I don't want to be near him, or his stuff. I don't want to see him. I don't want to think about him. Frankly I'd really like a punching bag so I could let out some of my rage and frustration. I really just want to hit something. Sadly that is not an option. So I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

Fucking men. But it's not all men. It's just one man. Pushy. Bossy. Always has to be in control. Can't ever fucking let me do anything. Always has to have his fucking way. Always has to be his way. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or wants. Doesn't fucking occur to him to ask. To care. To take it into consideration for fucks sake. Fucking control freak. Fuck!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Good news for a change!

I can knit again! Well, at least I think I can. I did some knitting yesterday, and it totally didn't hurt, nor did it feel forgein, nor is my hand sore from it!

So so very exciting!

Three of my cousins are pregnant right now, I'm thinking that maybe I will knit them somethings for their babies-to-be. I really really want to get my hands on.... *looks up the titles as I have no memory* ...... The knitters Almanac by Elizabeth Zimmermann! I think I'm going to put in a request for it from my local Hamilton Library in fact!

If I like it, I might end up buying myself a copy, only trouble is, when I did go looking for it, it was the hardest thing to find! Very sad that. Anyway, this is what the library is for, n'est pas? -- Borrowing books you may or may not want forever, but do want to use. :)

I don't really have the money to be buying yarn for these baby gifts though, so I am going to have to search my stash. I might also end up asking my mom for the money. Sort of in a, "if you buy it, I will knit it" kind of way. That way it can be a gift from both of us!

Also, in other good news, Apple finally replaced my keyboard, and ta da! It's working perfectly this time! Very joyus! I really missed being able to cut and paste! (The 'c' key was the first to go funny and non-responsive)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Money Grubbing Bastards

Telus and Bell. Charging for incoming text messages! Messages that senders already paid for. Messages that the reciever has no way of not accepting. Dispicable. That's what this is. Fucking bastards.

I don't know if this will help, but I signed. If you are as displeased, please sign as well. Can't hurt!

Stop the text message cash-grab

Personally I'm going to try to get out of my contract. I was promised that my plan's fee would never increase. Well I was promised FREE incoming messages... So this is most certainly an incrase. Just gotta find my contract when I get back to Hamilton. I'm cancelling my plan, and I'm gonna fight to get out without paying a fee, THEY are the ones that broke their deal with me. Bastards.

Friday, July 11, 2008

It's My Birthday

So I talked to Neda last night, and feel loads better. Sabrina and I don't always communicate the best, we mean well, but sometimes things don't always come out how we mean them, on both sides.

I was sooo worried my friends were upset with me, but no one is, including Sabrina it seems! So Yay! Angie apparently could talk of nothing else yesterday! Neda's the best. she's aces when it comes to easing worries!

Today has been great. I got woken up by my wonderful boyfriend singing 'happy birthday'. and tonight he brought me home live flowers! They. I think, are Hyacinths, possibly. Pretty in anycase!

Both Sabrina and my mom called to say happy birthday to me, that was really very nice. Brightened up my day. I love my mom... She really is just so good to me. She let me babble at her and everything! lol.

Most things have just gone swimingly today too, which is great. Now I just have to go finish icing my cake for the dinner party tonight. Don't worry, it's at a restaurant -- I'm not about to do that much work on my birthday!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Damnit!!! (warning potentially incoherent rant ahead)

Why does she always do this to me?!? What's her fucking issue?! Seriously. Gods fucking damnit.

All she had to do was say 'no'. That flipping simple. I was expecting a 'no' from her of all people anyway, all she had to do was say, 'no, sorry, I can't make it'. But nooooooooooooo! She has to go on a rant and make me feel guilty and miserable and give me a fucking ulcer worrying I've forced my friends into something they don't want to do! Mean! Seriously.

I didn't want to ask anyone in the first place because I knew it was a lot to ask, and they NEVER do anything for me, so why should I bleeding well expect them to do this, and on such short notice even.

Now my stomach is in knots and I just want to call the whole thing off..... I feel so gods damn fucking guilty. And angry. Really fucking angry that she just had to give me a guilt trip and make me feel like ALL my friends are pissed off at me! She couldn't just contain her guilt rant to her own issues, oh no, she had to fucking drag everyone else into it. Grr.

None of them had to say 'yes'. They all could have made their excuses. Chris and I could have gone on our own - no big deal. I really would have rather had them do that than being racked with guilt like this!

Now I can't even enjoy baking my cake because all I can think about is that my friends are all pissed off with me. Why the hell did she feel the need to make me feel bad like this!? Does she get fucking joy out of making me miserable?! What the fuck!


She just likes to twist things to make herself feel better! Whatever, that's fine. But spreading her mis-information, sewing discord, and making the rest of my friends angry with me is just seriously low. Low, mean, cruel, and so totally NOT cool! Grrr!

On a happier note, my cakes are cooked and they smell so flipping amazingly coconut-ily delicious! :D Yay! At least baking and I are still friends!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Get Smart

The movie was frickin' F A B U L O U S ! ! !

I highly recommend it to anyone that loves a good laugh! Especially those that loved the original TV show!

It's SO damn good! Man I laughed my ass off! (Well not literally, never fear there, still overly-well-endowed with butt)

Seriously though, y'all need to go see this movie! I want to go see it again even! It was that good!

I HATE my hair!!!!! Grrrrrr........

I wonder if anyone else has this problem.... I went to the hair dresser and asked for something, LAYERS in this case, and did NOT in any way, shape or form get what I wanted. :( What the hell does one do when the hairdresser ignores your request? I don't want to be stuck with this fucking hair cut for the next three months! Damnit.

Does this ever happen to anyone else?? Am I the only one??

My hair really really needed to be cut, so I understand that I lost like two inches of my length.... I needed, desperately, to loose at least an inch. So this I can live with.

But I wanted LAYERS. I have very thin, fine hair, and I really would have liked to have my hair curl. It will do it nartually, but only if its layered, otherwise it's just too heavy for my fine hair. :(

I didn't get layers though. She 'textured' the bottom inch or so but that is NOT fucking layers! So my hair is still one fucking length. *grumble*grumble*grumble*

I hate my fucking hair! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! I can't do a fucking thing with it! When I try to straighten it, it's still just a big fucking disater. What the fuck is the good of getting my hair cut if it's not actually an improvement?!?!?!?

Another reason I wanted layers is that I have horrible split ends. All the way up... I needed/need the layers to get rid of them!! But nooo... No layers.

Now what the fuck am I supposed to do?! I can't afford to get it cut AGAIN.

*sigh* I just want to shave my head. I'm SO fucking frustrated!! I was SO SO SO looking forward to getting my hair cut! I haven't gotten it cut in a YEAR! A fucking year!! And now I'm stuck with with blah haircut that I did NOT want. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

It's My Birthday.....

As many of my readers know (since I expect only my closest of friends to ever pay attention), my birthday is fast approaching.

This year I plan to celebrate my birthday on my birthday - Friday July 11th.

The Plan: Dinner at Sultan's Tent in Toronto. Moroccan Food & Belly Dancers(!!!!). Price Fixed Menu: dinner starts @ ~$40/person (more with drinks, and if you choose to have items that have added $$ amounts).

I do understand it's a lot for dinner, and many of my friends have other things going on this month, but I really want to spend the night eating good food and watching the belly dancer with them - I just think it would be fun. Yes, I know I'm a goober, but I think that's the coolest thing ever! I've never seen a belly dancer before!

I've become really rather bitter about the whole birthday thing in the past couple of years. Aside from Harry Potter last year (which I do believe was more a stroke of luck than anything else) I have not celebrated MY birthday in more years than I can count! Ever since Sabrina's Brian joined the group we always celebrate his birthday, which is the day before mine, and EVERYONE ignores/forgets that I even have a birthday! So completely and totally unfair.

I do realise this is partly my fault. Even though I'm one of those weirdos that LOVES birthdays, I/we never do anything - probably in part cause I never say anything. Truth is, I just don't trust that I matter enough to everyone... That if I do ask I'll just get turned down.

Well I DO matter damnit, and even if everyone does turn me down - for whatever reason(the money, time, whatever) - I still want to do something for my birthday. So I'm going with Chris regardless.

But I did ask. Actually, I asked Neda what she thought, and she took up my cause. She's asked the gang, bless her. And to my utter surprise some of them have actually said yes!! All the ones she could get ahold of in fact!

Frankly I wouldn't even have bothered asking - I would have assumed a resounding "no" - but in a drunken stupor last Friday night (at Neda's birthday bash) I mentioned it to Alicia. She sounded so positive about wanting to go, and it being okay for me to ask, that I thought maybe I would give it a shot. After some sober thought, I agreed with my drunken though - what the hell, I'll ask; no harm in asking.

I still can't believe everyone (so far) has said yes!

I figured Neda would be all for it, she's sweet like that.

Angie and Will I really did think would say no, Angie usually isn't adventurous with food, it's also a lot of money, and I know money is often tight for them. But they said yes! *beams*

Jess and Rob I really wanted to come 'cause Jess is one of my best friends, but I really wasn't sure what she'd say. I couldn't/didn't come to her birthday because both Chris and I weren't working - we SO could not afford it . I really wanted to go, but I just didn't have the money. So I really didn't know what she'd think of me asking the same thing of her a few months later... But they said yes! *beams brighter*

Sabrina and Brian will likely say no. Neda's asked, but they haven't gotten back to her. Sabrina is the one that always complains to me about all the birthday's she has in June and July -there's Neda, then her mom, then Brian, then me (and possibly other's in between I don't know about). As a result I always get the short end of the stick with her. So I expect a resounding "No" from her, but that's okay really. I have enough "yes"es that I think we will all be able to enjoy ourselves.

I also got Neda to ask Alicia and Allen too. I figured since I mentioned it to her at the party and she seemed excited about it, I would ask them too. I hope they say yes. I'm not sure if Allen will be home from his family vacation by then, but I've love to have one or both of them there.

Originally I was just going to ask 'the gang' and Jess and Rob - I didn't want to inconvenience anyone else.... But, really, it shouldn't be an inconvenience damnit. I want to celebrate with my friends, is that so very wrong? I don't think so.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I used my hand yesterday - last night - in a very NOT "light task" way.

I didn't mean to! I really didn't mean to. It was instinct... I was about to fall. My other hand was already propping me up on the other side. I was on my way to planting my head on the edge of a shelf, very likely, so instinct took over - I put my right palm out to stop me. Full weight on my hand. On my palm. On my not-yet-2-week-old incision.

If I/we hadn't been doing what we were doing I think I would have screamed, curled up in a ball and cried for awhile. As it was, I paused, stared at my palm in a silent scream, took a deep breath, let the pain wash over me, and continued on with what I was doing.

Today I am not so okay. Woke up with my incision, and deeper, screaming in pain. It could be that my hand wasn't propped up all night for once, or that I really abused it last night, or both. I was really tired, and my poor right ear is soooooo sore from me sleeping on it every night. I tried to keep my arm propped, but it just didn't work well last night. *sigh*

I knew as soon as I woke up this was not a pain to get better on its own any time soon, so I took two Tylenol 2s. Now I have nasty ass gut rot. Fucking caffiene! Why the hell do they have to put that in them?? The caffeine doesn't help me stay awake it just give me fucking gut rot.


I feel sooo sick now. But the pain is bearable. I don't really think the gut rot/nausea is however. :( And there isn't a damn fucking thing I can do to ease it really... *pout*

Today is not going to be fun! (1-handed GO travel today, back to Hamilton.)

I just want to be at home, in my big comfy chair, hugging one of my teddy bears.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Week Two

So week two after surgery, my hand seems to be improving rather quickly, to my delight.

Week 2 is meant to be "very light tasks", this list keeps expanding... Sometimes including things that aren't so light...which then get recinded! Honest! You don't know until you try, right?

For instance, opening doors : NOT light. Who knew? Typing (with my wrist straight and my palm NOT touching the keyboard) : light task. Lifting a small glass : NOT light. Lightly scratching itchy mosquitoe bites (damn things love me!) : light task. It's a learning process.

Today I think I might even venture out on my own... I want to go to Honest Ed's. I just realised, I need to by a 9" x 13" baking dish to replace the one I broke! I'm going to need it for dinner tonight! Doh. I also want to get a 8" springform cake pan, or if they don't look very sturdy, then a regular cake pan. I also need some baking ingredients and pipping bags. Not really sure I can get them there, but i figure it doesn't hurt to look, right?

Neda's birthday is tomorrow, and the gang is getting together Friday night. I offered to bake the cake, obviously with my mommy's help. Poor woman, she's getting roped into all kinds of baking! I mentioned to Neda I wanted to bake her a cake (when she said Angie was going to get one). Her response was "Oh, I'd rather have one of your cakes than anything Angie would get!" Yay me! What a delightful compliment!

When I was thinking of making a cake for Sabrina's birthday, I mention to Neda this chocolate torte I'd been eyeing. She seemed to really like the idea. "ooo, yes, with rasberries on top!" She'd said. So I think I will make that for her. It's actually really simple as well, which is good for my 1-handed self. Well, 1-handed for cooking anyway, as that is NOT a light task!

I've been thinking of how to top it, as I've not yet found any option that truly satisfied me. Right now I'm thinking of putting ground hazelnut on the sides, and drizzeling white chocolate on top, then, maybe a pile of ground/chopped hazelnuts on the very centre. I'm not so good at visualizing things. Or possibly sprinkling the top with ground hazelnuts, then the white chocolate glaze zigzagged across the top. That sounds better I think.

The one thing I'm worried about is how everyone else will like it.... I have, I think, one lactose intolerant person coming. I'm slightly intolerant, so butter has never bothered me. Dark chocolate doesn't contain that should be okay. They ate my fuge, come to think of it, so this should be okay then. Will likely won't eat it, he doesn't like cakes... Sabrina might complain it's too rich, Angie will say it's too fattening. But I'm not adding sugar, it's just rich, this is why it will be cut in very very thin slices!

Oh well, it's Neda's birthday, and I think this is something she would really enjoy. I'll keep the glaze very light, so there is just a hint of sweet. She'll love it, I'm sure.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Had some bad dreams last night. One where this kinda cute(but SOOOOO not my type) very short woman was pushing herself on me. In front of Neda even.. I tried to stop her, didn't work. Tried to ignore her, she just kept trying. Finally I gave in a little, touched her, kissed her, but in the back of my mind and in the pit of my stomach I knew it was wrong. I just couldn't for the life of me remember/think of why this was such a bad idea. Then she said to me, something like, "I bet your boyfriend would love to hear about this," half snarky, half casual.

My heart fell. Right into the pit of screaming 'this is wrong!!' that was my stomach. Without thinking I stood up, knocking her off my lap and onto the floor. I was shaking so bad it took what felt like forever to get my shirt back on (we three were alone in my room but not in the house, and I needed to get away from them, I needed to vomit too frankly). Neda looked all confused, asked what was wrong with me. All I could see was visions of telling Chris what I'd done, or worse - of his finding out, of his hurt, of losing him. I was so distraught I could barely speak. I grabbed Neda by the shoulders, to get her attention I think, and shook her - more a result of my own violent shaking - saying, "Chris! Chris!". That was all I could say.

Suddenly, or at least it is sudden in my memory, the scene shifted. I was in some kind of open public space, almost like an PATH food court in Toronto. Only I was laying on a bare mattress, my pants undone - no idea why. To my right was another bare mattress, with a late 20s man laying on it. To my left was a round table, with many people sitting around it. I'm pretty sure they were all my friends, I recognized at least Will.

The guy on the other mattress rolled onto mine and started talking to me. He mention something about my pants, I looked down and they were open - I was shocked, I hadn't known! I went to do them up, and he tried to stop me, put his hands on me. I was nice and asked him as polite as I could, to stop touching me. He just sneered at me and made his touch somehow lewd. I got angry. I grabbed him by the collar/front of his shirt, pulled his face close to mine - big mistake - and told him, between gritted teeth, to get his hands OFF me. When I tried to push him off me I realised I couldn't. He was fully on top of me, his legs pushing mine open, his hands where they shouldn't be, and that evil sneer inches from my face.

To my own credit, I didn't outwardly panic, I kept my brave face, telling him in a louder more angry voice to get the fuck off me while I tried in vain to get him off. This is when Will and I think Brian turned around and saw us. In a split second they had pulled him off me, saying, you heard her, obviously angry. They threw him in the corner behind the table everyone was sitting at, then got up and went over to kick the shit out of him. Meanwhile, I got up, shaking, to sit with everyone at the table.

Weird ass fucking dreams! And I woke up thinking it was 3:16pm - it was more like 10:07am though - musta still been dreaming. The melancholy of the dreams has totally followed me though.

It also really bothers me that I keep dreaming about being unfaithful! I would never NEVER do that!

Saturday, June 14, 2008


Am currently one-handed. Bandaged. Fighting being helped at every turn. But some things I just can't do. I'm not being gracious about it. I thought I would be more so. I guess I am more independant than I thought.

Chris is, in part, totaly enjoying this - being able to boss me around and thinly disguising it as being helpful. I tease him, and vise versa, but I'm ever so glad he came and stayed the night with me. I needed him for the comfort I did.

My darling man is taking my mac home with him - it needs repairs and the part is now in. Needless to say I won't be online for awhile. They are very quick at the Apple store - 3 days to order in the part, another 2 to install it - but the issue is my man works (yay!) so dunno when it will get back to me..

Behave. Miss me. Don't do anything I would do. ;)

Friday, June 13, 2008


Wicked tired.

Ever so nervous.

Waiting for toenails to dry.

Thinking about tomorrow. "Minor Surgery". Never had any kind of surgery.


Made cupcakes last night. They are wicked good. Pictures to follow. Promise.

Hot pink toenails. Hope they last.

Gonna miss using my right hand I am!

Sooooo tired. I think I will sleep on top of the covers. Fuck it.

*grumble* And now I'm totally worried I might have a yeast infection! Now is so not the time! Not that there is a good time for that kind of toruure!

Monday, June 9, 2008

What a Day!!!

Being a housewife is hard flipping work!!

Today my Chris has his first day at his new job. So proud. Full time. With Benefits. Doing whatever techie stuff he does. Very good. Very happy for him. Happy for me, cause I'm a little less worried now.... I know he'll take care of me when I can't do it myself. Now I know that he really is able and I'm not putting undo strain on him. Very good thing. I really do hope his day is going a damn sight better than mine!

I have not had a good day. I'm one disaster after another!

Not to mention I've spent $55 on groceries today! Plus $20 on very needed antihistamine pills. I can't get over how expensive things are! $12.11 for 1L of homogenous milk and a tub of Breyers ice cream!! $10.82 for like 10 lbs of potatoes! Nuts. Just nuts.

I spent over an hour trying to figure out what to make for desert today - we have company coming to dinner. I look like shit, but that's the least of my worries at this point. So anyway, figured out what I wanted to make, made a grocery list, off to the grocery store I went.

When I came I started making the desert and deviled eggs, as an appeitizer, ya know? Well I one of my eggs craked as soon as it hit the water! And another cooked really funny. Good thing I made extra! Still not how I would have liked them to turn out though. I didn't know you could fuck up boiling eggs. *shrug* I have enough for them to munch on while I finish making dinner. Though at this point I think I'm going to get Chris to help me! I really just do not trust myself.

For some strange reason I felt a desire to make the desert exactly according to recipe, even though I felt like I had way too much graham cracker mixture, too too much coconut, and just WAY WAY too much sweetened condensed milk. I was trying to make hello dollies, in case you are curious. Did not work out from start to finish.

I put them in the oven, and let them cook, at the 20 minute mark I noticed they were getting too dark on the top for my liking and turned them down.

At this point I started on the potato salad. I had already cooked the potatoes last night, so I got them out of the fridge and started cutting them up. Half of them were dark around the skin, some had black spots. Not good. Especially since I already had to through out half the ones I cut open the night before on account of them being bad. I called my mom for advice. When unsure, ask mom. She suggested I through them all out, including the bag of basically bad potatoes, and go get some good ones, as in buy loose ones so I'd know what I was getting.

Off to the grocery store again. Got potatoes, carried 10 lbs of potatoes home. Heavy! And, I must add potatoes at the fancy shamancy place down the street cost me over $10! Jesus. But at least I know they are all good! I picked every one myself! Very carefully might I add after my last mishap!

I came home again, and took the desert out of the oven to cool (I'd turned it off and left it in the oven when I went for potatoes). I didn't know where else to put it, it still being hot, so I set it on a burner. I put the new potatoes in a pot, and set it to high to get it to start boiling, then finally sat down for a few minutes.

Before long I could smell somthing burning. I knew there wasn't anything on the burner as it was the one I used late last night for the bad potatoes. I rushed into the kitchen knowing just what I'd done - I turned the wrong burner on and I was burning my desert!!!

I turned the burner off and grabbed the tea towel, picked up the desert with it, and looked for somewhere to place it. I didn't want to put it on the only free burner as that was where the hot oven was venting - counter-productive. So I set it on the counter. It just barely touched and I heard a sizzle. Oh fuck I'm burning the counter I think, and set the desert on the burner, the closet easiest place. I look at the counter to make sure it's ok, it is. I step away, to leave the kitchen and BOOM! The glass dish the desert was in EXPLODED sending glass and hot desert flipping everywhere.

I was so so SO lucky! A few seconds earlier and it would have exploded in my hands and landed on my feet burning and cutting me up really badly. So lucky. As it was, I got hit on the shins with a few pieces, but wasn't cut, and was wearing my house shoes, so no worry of walking on all that glass around me. If I wasn't wearing shoes there would have been a 100% chance of me cutting my feet just stepping out of the mess. It went 2 feet around me in all directions. It's taken me almost 2 hours to clean it up!

I called my mommy again. Right after it happened. I was sooooo shaken up. I was actually shaking. I needed someone to tell me this really was a 'best case' in a worse case scenairo. I wasn't hurt. It's just a dish. And desert, damnit. But nothing irreplacable. I'm irreplacable and I was fine.

I cleaned up the mess on the stove first so I could boil the potatoes and set into the very slow long job of cleaning up. I think I've got it all, but I'm still going to get everyone to keep their shoes on in here for the next day or so. Will vaccum again tonight before bed.

It's almost 5 pm. I have the potatoes cooling in the freezer. I really really hope they are cool by 5pm, because I have to make the flipping salad soon. The ingredients need an hour to 'rest' together to blend before I add the mayo! Man this is cutting it short.

I am so tried. I really just want Chris to come home now. I need a hug!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Money, money, money, moooohn-ney!

So I'm running out of allergy serum. Have to get another bottle. The price has gone up from $120 to $150. Somehow I figured it would go up.

I'm not sure when I was last tested, I think it was last september, so I'm thinking maybe I'm due? I have to deliver the cheque. I'm not sure when they are closed today... I'm thinking maybe I should call back and see.

I don't really feel like going anywhere. Okay, that's not actually true. The reverse is. I really DO want to go out and get this done, among other things, but I'm terrified to go anywhere because I have NO comfy, arch-supporting shoes!! :(

I'm now terrified - just utterly terrified - to put my new fucking runners on again. *pout* I think my right arch fell this morning in the like 2 minutes it took to walk to the car in them, and my poor foot is STILL sore.

I just don't know what to do! I don't know how to fix this. I really really want to, but I don't know how. *pout* I have NO luck with shoes!

And now I'm $150 poorer. Nothing to be done about it. I need this. I'm just all the more worried about my lack of real employment, and any sourse of income. :(

Monday, June 2, 2008

Cake Disaster

I made two really lovely Red Velvet Cakes. Red, moist, rose perfectly. Just wonderful.

Then I TOTALLY fucked up the icing. TOTALLY.

Lesson: I cannot make whipped cream icings. I tried. Honestly I did. But it was SO fucking liquid that the layers of my cake fell off each other - like all the way off - in a most specatualr mess! I suck ass.

I'm sure it also doesn't help that I did a TERRIBLE job cutting the layers. I tried. Honestly I did, but I still fucked it up really really well -- the only thing I've done well with this cake is the fucking it up. When I fuck up I don't go half way, I go ALL the way. Total fucking mess.

So it's now in the freezer with ice pops holding it up. If I had my way it would be in the fucking garbage can. It's a fucking disaster and that is the only place it belongs.

I so so so pissed off at myself. Fucking mees. I can't believe I ruined my cake! This is the last cake I'm going to get to make in a long time, and I TOTALLY fucked it up! It's not a little mistake, it's a TOTAL fucking mess. Like icing all over the freezer mess.

It's taking all my self control not to beat myself about the head repeatedly. *grr*

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Minor Surgery

After five months of waiting to see the plastic surgeon, I finally had my appointment this last Thursday. He wasn't nearly so horrible as I thought/was worried he would be, so yay! He is very good at what he does though, and really that matters more than having a good bedside manner!

I asked about recovery - it's my biggest worry - and got a 'your milage may vary' kinda answer. Recovery can take anywhere from two weeks to two months. I'm personally hoping it's NOT two months!

It's minor surgery so it's done in his clinic, under local numbing agents, so I'll be awake. I didn't ask how long it would take, never really occured to me to ask actually... I was really only focused on recovery and what to do after. I have an instruction sheet, and they will go over everything with me when I come in for the procedure.

Since I waited five months just to see the man, I asked to book the surgery asap. I didn't want to be waiting another five months! Turns out, for once, asap, really is soon! I have an appointment for 12:45pm on Friday June 13th! That's like, not this Friday, but the one following! Crazy soon!

I won't be getting Chris' sweater finished by then, he knows and is okay with that. I'll finish it when I can. Hopefully my hand will be enough better by the fall that I can knit again!

I had to tell my new manager, on my second shift at work no less, that I had an appointment for surgery much sooner than expected and wasn't sure just how long I would be out of commision. The talk thankfully went so much better than expected! She was relieved in a way. See, she was told to hire extra help, which she did, then she was told her sales weren't good so they cut her hours, now she has people she can't actually give shifts to. One of the other girls will happily take my like one shift a week therefore. She told me to keep her posted and by the time I am ready to come back she will likley have more hours for me. I was really worried about how that talk would go, so relieved it went well!

I am still looking for other work. Better work. Work that can, you know, actually give me hours and such. I'd love a full time job. I keep applying for anything I'm remotely qualified for. Right now though, since finding out about my surgery date, I'm kinda wondering if I should still keep looking.... At least for the next few weeks. Cause like, if even by some miracle someone DID want to hire me, I'm going to soon be in no condition to do any kind of work... I think I will keep looking, but I think until at least a week after surgery - when I will have a better idea (I hope) of my recovery time, I'm going to look, but only apply if it's really something I want.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I have an engineering degree, and yet I'm totally unemployable.

Does anyone else see the problem here???

Wtf is wrong with me? Seriously. What??

I'm smart, I'm competent, I know how to learn, I know how to handle people, I'm a hardworker... But none of it matters. None of it makes the littlest of differences. No one wants to hire me.... Not for any kind of decent job. I can't live on PT retail for fuck's sake.

I'm beyond my wit's end..... I'm SUCH a fucking failure.

I've never felt more hopless, helpless, and useless in my entire life. What a fucking waste of space I am!


When I feel this overwhelmed I just want to run away from the world and hide, hide until it's all over. But it won't ever be over. I can't fix this. I can't. I'd fucking love to, but I can't. I'm fucked. Totally and completely fucked.

Kill me now. Just. Kill. Me. Now. Please.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

One Step Closer!

So I had two interviews yesterday. I think they went fairly well. One was with a manager of ladies wear at The Bay on Bloor St., the other was with Crate & Barrel. Retail I know. But it's work. And at least it's not boring!

The Bay interview was my second with The Bay. The lady that interviewed me today said the lady that did so last time really liked me! So yay. And I ended up getting a job offer for PT work, which I of course took. Not sure how many hours I'm going to get or what not... We'll see. Chris and I have decided to play it by ear, easiest/smartest thing to do for right now I think.

Oh, and I mean play it by ear in terms of where I live. Obviously working in Toronto means I'll be staying here with him during the days that I work, and going home to Hamilton when I'm off. Depending how my first week or so looks I will likely ask that instead of spreading my 2-3-4 days off, if I could have a few in a row, so I can go home and stuff. Just like I did at Cotton Ginny. But at the same time, I want to work as many hours as they can give me, so we will see. I know it's only PT, so I'm really not expecting more than say 15 hours a week.... *Sigh*

I also have to give my two weeks notice at CG. It's a 'conflict of interest' or me to work both places. Not terribly sad about that. I'll miss the wonderful ladies I got to work with, but I have been trying to find work in Toronto for just months now.

Still need to keep looking though. And keep looking for full time and such, but it's definitely a step up, and a step in the right direction! I get to spend more time with my Chris... And we both want that.

Bless him, you know, the other night I was all sad, so he sat down next to me and asked what was wrong. It took a long time for me to find the words, I'm just terrile with saying the words, but he let me have that time. Patience. Patience is definitely a viture with me. When I finally told him, he was slightly releived. "I thought this was the break-up speech," he said. Dear, dear, dear man! As if I would do that! And now! I love him far far too much to ever let him go. And I told him so. I want to keep him I do. *nods*

In other news, tomorrow is mother's day, so I'm baking my mom a cake today and bringing it home with me. I sure hope she likes it! Angel food cake with strawberries, and a diet style frosting. Hopefully it will be yummy and pretty! Hopefully...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Mr. Darcy

I totally dreampt about Mr.Darcy last night. Like a younger Collin Firth as Bridget Jones' Mr. Mark Darcy. I was working on a case... I was either a CSI (lord knows I could never be a cop!), or I was a civilian 'expert' working with the cops. We were looking for this woman. We didn't think she was a killer, but that she knew something about a string of parking structure murders. We needed to find her, and she sure wasn't making it easy for us. We were canvassing the neighbourhood where Mr. Darcy's law office was looking for her or anyone that knew her.

Gods know why, but it was set in good old Hamilton, in late November. Cold and crisp, when all the air smells of is sweet leaves and the coming of winter (the world has been smelling really nasty lately, so I miss winter's clean smell sooooo badly!)

Oh, and I should mention, for once, for once in a very great while, I was actually single and unattached in my dream. Yay to not feeling guilty for having the hots for someone! And I mean.. When it's Mr. Darcy... Come on! What woman could resist really?

Anyway, that's how we met... How it became a social thing, I have no idea. I do know we started out as "friends". He was in a serious relationship with a woman named Marcy - no lie. heh. Why they were still together I don't know. I hadn't known him long when I realised neither of them liked each other very much. All they did was argue. They had nothing in common really. They never actually wanted to spend time with each other, they both of them totally did the avoiding thing..

So I really didn't feel guilty about totally having the hots for Mr. Darcy! heh. And it was very much mutual too. That was the best part. The restained heat... I could feel it every time I was near him. It was intoxicating really. And the slightest touch lit me up like wildfire, it did both of us really. I could see it in the way he looked at me...

Man it was good! Complicated, but good... And fun. That first blush of getting to know someone. Haven't had that in a really long time. The getting nervous to call them, worried how they will react. That awkward moment when you try to find a sublte way to tell them you want to see them, or maybe that's just something I do. lol.

Anyway, it worked out ever to well in my dream! Mr. Darcy was going to teach me Samba! And I do believe we were going to go to the Winter Fair or some such together. I woke up then for a moment, luckily I sank back into my dream..... What a lovely dream! *happy sigh*

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Ow! Ow! Ow! OW!!!!!!! (warning: swearing ahead)

I'm in SO much pain! So so so much pain. It's hardly bearable. Actually it's really just not bearable. I would say an 8 or 9 out of 10. I want to cry but I just.. I can't and I don't know why. *whimper*

I hurt. Deep in my bones. Everything hurts. Hurts so fucking bad. I can't think for the pain. Ironically, for once the only thing that doesn't really hurt is my head! 'Just' everything else. Oh gods do my shoulders hurt!!! I can't stand this pain, I really can't.....

I just woke up from feverish, tossing and turning and nightmares I couldn't escape. No rest. No rest of any kind. And the pain, oh my fucking gods, the pain!!!

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I'm guessing it's the Tramadol I came off of as of 10am Tuesday. I was taking Tridural for the insanely intense sinus headaches I've been plagued with for the past, oh, 3-4 months I guess now. It's the only reason I can think of that I would be in this kind of all-consuming pain and be feverish as hell on top of it. I was given a 4 day titration dose to 'ease me off'. I guess it didn't ease very well! Why the hell didn't anyone warm me about this?! It better not fucking continue too long, I just can't stand it!!

I took two gravol because I know those fuckers knock me off my ass. Hopefully in half an hour I will fall into a drug induced sleep - it really can't come soon enough. I need to sleep. So tired, and fuck, I do NOT want to be awake with this pain.

It hurts. It hurts so gods damn fucking badly. I want to cry! I really want to cry! Why can't I cry?!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Cakes! (and cookies too!)

Awhile back I made a Coconut cake. Super sweet, but oh so good. While Chris was laying on the couch in sugar-shock he asked me if I could make a diabetic-friendly version for his mom. Not one to shrink from a challenge, I did some research, and came up with a plan. For Easter I made it.

Angel Food Cake,
Angel food cake - half out of pan

Cut in 2 Layers,
Angel food cake - cut in half

Then Frosted with whip cream/vanilla pudding/coconut extract icing, and coconut.
Angel food cake
Looks good nia?

After a night in the fridge off to Oakville for Easter it went!
Coconut angel food cake-on the way to Oakville

When I told Chris' mom that it was diabetic-friendly her face lit up and she hugged me. She said this was the first time she'd had a whole slice of cake in years! Chris was ever so pleased I could do that for her. He had this... proud thing going on. *beams* Even his brother who confessed he didn't like coconut, said he liked it! It wasn't overpoweringly coconutty. And Robert, Chris' youngest brother who is a foodie said my Angel food cake was just perfect! Yay me! It was my very first Angel food cake after all. Chris and I shared a slice, it really was good! You would never know it was the light version! heh.

That very same day, or I should say night (I do most of my baking at night it seems, nighthawk that I am) I made a 2 layer chocolate cake as well - for Chris and I. I was craving moist, soft chocolate cake something fierce. I still am, or rather am again. heh.

I found the recipe online, really good recipe too! I would share, but I don't seem to have saved the link, dope that I am! At least I still have the paper copy at Chris' place so I can find it again.

Anyway, the two cakes hot out of the oven.
Chocolate cakes

Cooling upside down to flatten them out (and being a shelf while I icinged the bottom layer of the Angel food cake).

I think the next time I make this or any other layered cake that I want to be light and fluffy I will skip this step. They do get flatter, but the also get denser, and I was really looking forward to a light, fluffy, moist cake. Also, refrigerating the cake made it dryer. We eat cake so fast, that after the setting, it really doesn't need to be in the fridge, this too will help it be soft and moist - now that we have a cake dish we can do this! yay. :D

The finished Cake.
Chocolate cake-icing disaster

As you can see I had a little icing disaster. It was my first cream cheese icing. At first it was just way too thick to spread so I added a little bit of liquid, only, I added too much. Doh. And it just poured over the cake. Once it was chilled it was fine, but applying it was a nightmare! At least it tasted great! Next time I am so adding whipped egg whites to lighten it though, it was far heavier than I wanted, and like way too much of a sugar rush for what I was craving, good though. Chris and I couldn't stop eating it!

Cake with a slice out.
Chocolate cake-slice out
Not so bad, considering my trouble!

A slice of cake.
Slice of chocolate cake
Doesn't that look gooooood? I SO want one right now myself!

Last but not least, my last baking endeavor was some oatmeal cookies. I was craving oatmeal cookies, we didn't have any of the extras to add (raisins, nuts, etc) so I made them plain, with a touch of cinnamon for flavour. They were very crunchy, I think next time I will add a little less oatmeal and flour and maybe some milk to keep them moist. They were damn good though! :-D

Simple Oatmeal Cookies.
Oatmeal Cookies

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


I've decided the only action left to me is radical action. Nothing else is working so I must do something else.

I'm leaving my boyfriend, and moving to the US to work on an Alpaca farm! I love Alpacas, they are so danm cute, and they make the most FABULOUS yarns. It's something I could love, so I'm going to do it. :-D

And maybe, just maybe I can meet a cowboy of my own and we can start an alpaca farm of our own! My own alpacas... All mine to pet and fondle and shave nakie in the spring! :D I've never had to pay $28 a skien again! Mine, all mine! Weee!

A girl can dream right? ;)

Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm sorry, I just don't care...

I'm in so much pain, I just don't care about anything. I don't have the energy to care. It's taking all I got just to sit here, just to exist. I don't have anything left for caring about anything...

There are things I know I need to do. Hell, there are even things I wanted to do. But right now I just can't bring myself to do them. I can't bring myself to do anything. The pain is all consuming, all enveloping, it makes everything, everything else look insignificant, and also, frankly, out of reach.

When you really can't care about anything it's very hard to find the energy, nah, the motivation to do them. Every task is overwhelming. Every task tests your patience. And at this point, I really don't have any patience. I don't even have the patience to read 1000 words on my favourite blog, nevermind scouring entires on a job site for something I might be able to do.

*sigh* I suck. I just really really suck.

I also wish I'd brought my muscle relaxants with me as my neck is SO incredibly stiff, damnit. Tension. That's what it is. How the fuck does one wake up with a tension headache though?! I really don't get that. I'm tense and worrying in my sleep?? Perhaps though. I had nightmares all night long. I kept making up and whimpering and falling right back into them damnit. But like.... I've been having such a lovely, and otherwise relaxing weekend! I don't get it, I just don't get it.

I guess I just can't turn the worry off. It's always there. Always. Eating away at me. heh. Just like the fucking yeast infection that hasn't fucking gone way! *grumble*grumble*grumble* But my point, worry. It eats at me. I know it does. I have no was to shut if off. The reason I'm worried isn't gone, I can't stop. I don't know how. *sigh*

I'm scared you see. Very scared. Of a lot of things I guess. Mostly, I'm scared of not having any money. What very little savings I had at the beginning of November is whittling down to nothing now. I make less money working very part time than I actually spend in a month. Sad but true. And I'm not even paying rent damnit. I suck. Only conclusion there. I suck.

I'm also scared I'll never find a decent job. It's been months now, and nothing. Ok, well one thing, I didn't realize, cause again, I suck. So now I'm worried I won't ever get another offer of any kind. I do apply. I keep applying, but still, nothing.

I'm scared. I have no money. I work maybe 10 hours a week for minimum wage. I don't make enough to even pay my meagre bills. I'm scared. I'm really scared. What the fuck am I going to do?!

And right now I'm in so much fucking pain the only thing I want to so is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry. Just cry and cry and cry until there is nothing left of me. *Sigh*

Really not productive to my predicament, but I can't fucking help it. I didn't ask for this pain! If I knew how the fuck to get rid of it, other than death, I would so do it. I would. But I don't know. I just don't. *Sigh* Again, I suck..


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Sometimes I'm just a big kid.

This might be a little TMI, but bear (ha! sorry, you'll get that in a minute) with me for a moment. I'm on my second round of antibiotics - Cipro XL this time - for a very unpleasant sinus infection that's been plaguing me for just far too long. One of the well known side effects of antibiotics, particularly with women, is yeast infections. The stronger the antibiotic, the more likely the chance of being overrun by yeast (the antibiotic kills both the bad bacteria you want to get rid of, and the good bacteria that keep you healthy - like the bacteria that keep your yeast in check).

Dispite having been on numerous rounds of various antibiotics, and just being a woman these past 28 years, I've never had a yeast infection. Considering the strength the stuff I'm on now hoewever, it's no surprise that I aquired one 3 days into my treatmeant. Yay me (NOT).

Highly unpleasant, gross and disgusting. Is all I will say about the yeast 'infection' (infection is a misnomer, it's really an imbalance).

I'm sure this will sound odd, but in feeling so like... gross and unclean, and generally ow-y this weekend I've really really missed my teddy bear (I've been at Chris' since Thursday afternoon). Usually I would curl up with him when I feel like this.... he's always so comforting like that... and he's a teddy, he doesn't care if I'm yeasty, and best of all really, I can't give what I have to him, and he goes in the wash, so regardless of what I might have, there's no worry of him giving it back to me either.. *sigh* So I miss him, for the shear guiltless comfort he always brings me. A hug when I need one, with no one to ask. I can hold him all night, and all day too. He sits in my lap, he fills up my arms, he quietly comforts whenever I need him. I can put him aside when I need to and he doesn't mind a jot. The next time I need a little TLC, he's right there, just as cuddly and willing as ever.

I love my bear. I don't care if I'm supposed to be all grown up and "past tht stage". He's my bear and I love him, and right now, I miss him.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Angry Rant (with swearing)

I hate men today.

"I'm disinclined to breed at this point in time"

And with that his part in it is done, well, except to make fun of my terror every fucking chance he gets. *grumble*

Murphey's Law:
Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong, and at the exact moment to do the most damage.

Being a firm believer in Murphey's Law I have been positively terrified for the past few months that I'm going to end up pregnant. I do not, do not want to have a baby! Not now, and as this terror has shown me, not ever.

But I've been worrying, all the time, every day, all day long, that I've fucked up, that I'm pregnant. I have a bit of a hyphocondriac streak, I'm sure it doesn't help that my 19 year old cousin is in fact pregnant. She is in a better position than I am, at least she has a full time job!!

Me, I'd be fucked. My worst fear of course, is that I'd find out too late to abort. I would really rather kill myself than have a baby. No joke. I do NOT want to have a baby, and sure as fuck not now. I have no job, if I had the baby, I'd have no place to live either. Chris isn't working, how the fuck is he supposed to help me?! And would I really expect him to? No. I don't expect any man to.

So I live with this terror, and it IS terror. And every fucking time I mention my fears to Chris I get two things: first off he makes fun of me, cuase you know, it's so much fun to belittle your terrified girlfriend, and secondly I get the "if you were pregnant, you'd just know" speech.

Now, for all those of you out there that think that's true, I have one thing to say to you: you're fucking dreaming!!! Some women might know, especially ones that have gone through it before, but I'm telling you right know there is NO fucking way I would ever know. No fucking way. It's a load of Bullshit, and I won't have it.

It fucking infuriates me when he says that. "You'll just know." How the FUCK will I just know!? Is my fucking uterus going to send my brain a fucking memo!? I don't fucking think so!! I might know something is wrong, but I'm not going to have a fucking clue what is wrong. That's just fucking ridiculous. You'll just know.... Go fuck yourself. You'll just know...

I really don't like him very much right now, can you tell? Teasing is one thing, but making fun of me, especially when I'm truly terrifed, that's just.... fucking low, that's what that is. Inexcusable. Asshole.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


I have finished objects! And I've left them so long, I actually have three! For me, that's a LOT at once. I guess I've been knitting more lately.. Or rather I've been kniting littler (is that even a word?) things lately.

(1) My Koolhaas Hat.
KoolHaas Hat v1
KoolHaas Hat v1
Ta Da!

I actually made two of these hats. Identical except for the number of CO stitches. I thought it silly to take pictures of both, so pictured is v2, the one that fits me. And here is my favourite picture of me in my hat. (If you click through you can see all the notes I added. Maybe it's the new antibiotics messing with me, but I just found this shot too amusing.)
KoolHaas Hat v2

(2) The Klein Bottle Tea Cozy
Klein Bottle Tea Cozy

I'm really quite proud of this one. It's knit entirely from a pattern on my own creation. I was inspired by the Klien Bottle hat on Knitty, but this one is all me. I knit it for Chris' brother who is the only person I have ever known to get excited about a Klein Bottle.

Klein Bottle Tea Cozy
I really hope he likes it! Personally I think it's pretty damn cool.

(3) The Pentagonical Star
Inspired by Pepperknit's stars that she's made recently, I decided to followsuite and make one for my Chris' newest family member - his nephew.

Pentagonical Star

I used left over Fleece Artist wool in a lovely bright purple and blue. Sadly, I didn't have enough, so instead of frogging the whole thing, I finished the last three points in a white yarn I had that I knew felted. They didn't felt anywhere near the same though. *sigh* What's a girl to do?

Regardless, I think it's cute damnit. It's imperfections add to it's perfection. I never understood that until now. The more I look at it, the more I like it. I like that it's a little lopsided, I think it's kinda charming! Hopefully the recipient (and his parents!) think so too.

Pentagonical Star