Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I used my hand yesterday - last night - in a very NOT "light task" way.

I didn't mean to! I really didn't mean to. It was instinct... I was about to fall. My other hand was already propping me up on the other side. I was on my way to planting my head on the edge of a shelf, very likely, so instinct took over - I put my right palm out to stop me. Full weight on my hand. On my palm. On my not-yet-2-week-old incision.

If I/we hadn't been doing what we were doing I think I would have screamed, curled up in a ball and cried for awhile. As it was, I paused, stared at my palm in a silent scream, took a deep breath, let the pain wash over me, and continued on with what I was doing.

Today I am not so okay. Woke up with my incision, and deeper, screaming in pain. It could be that my hand wasn't propped up all night for once, or that I really abused it last night, or both. I was really tired, and my poor right ear is soooooo sore from me sleeping on it every night. I tried to keep my arm propped, but it just didn't work well last night. *sigh*

I knew as soon as I woke up this was not a pain to get better on its own any time soon, so I took two Tylenol 2s. Now I have nasty ass gut rot. Fucking caffiene! Why the hell do they have to put that in them?? The caffeine doesn't help me stay awake it just give me fucking gut rot.


I feel sooo sick now. But the pain is bearable. I don't really think the gut rot/nausea is however. :( And there isn't a damn fucking thing I can do to ease it really... *pout*

Today is not going to be fun! (1-handed GO travel today, back to Hamilton.)

I just want to be at home, in my big comfy chair, hugging one of my teddy bears.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Week Two

So week two after surgery, my hand seems to be improving rather quickly, to my delight.

Week 2 is meant to be "very light tasks", this list keeps expanding... Sometimes including things that aren't so light...which then get recinded! Honest! You don't know until you try, right?

For instance, opening doors : NOT light. Who knew? Typing (with my wrist straight and my palm NOT touching the keyboard) : light task. Lifting a small glass : NOT light. Lightly scratching itchy mosquitoe bites (damn things love me!) : light task. It's a learning process.

Today I think I might even venture out on my own... I want to go to Honest Ed's. I just realised, I need to by a 9" x 13" baking dish to replace the one I broke! I'm going to need it for dinner tonight! Doh. I also want to get a 8" springform cake pan, or if they don't look very sturdy, then a regular cake pan. I also need some baking ingredients and pipping bags. Not really sure I can get them there, but i figure it doesn't hurt to look, right?

Neda's birthday is tomorrow, and the gang is getting together Friday night. I offered to bake the cake, obviously with my mommy's help. Poor woman, she's getting roped into all kinds of baking! I mentioned to Neda I wanted to bake her a cake (when she said Angie was going to get one). Her response was "Oh, I'd rather have one of your cakes than anything Angie would get!" Yay me! What a delightful compliment!

When I was thinking of making a cake for Sabrina's birthday, I mention to Neda this chocolate torte I'd been eyeing. She seemed to really like the idea. "ooo, yes, with rasberries on top!" She'd said. So I think I will make that for her. It's actually really simple as well, which is good for my 1-handed self. Well, 1-handed for cooking anyway, as that is NOT a light task!

I've been thinking of how to top it, as I've not yet found any option that truly satisfied me. Right now I'm thinking of putting ground hazelnut on the sides, and drizzeling white chocolate on top, then, maybe a pile of ground/chopped hazelnuts on the very centre. I'm not so good at visualizing things. Or possibly sprinkling the top with ground hazelnuts, then the white chocolate glaze zigzagged across the top. That sounds better I think.

The one thing I'm worried about is how everyone else will like it.... I have, I think, one lactose intolerant person coming. I'm slightly intolerant, so butter has never bothered me. Dark chocolate doesn't contain that should be okay. They ate my fuge, come to think of it, so this should be okay then. Will likely won't eat it, he doesn't like cakes... Sabrina might complain it's too rich, Angie will say it's too fattening. But I'm not adding sugar, it's just rich, this is why it will be cut in very very thin slices!

Oh well, it's Neda's birthday, and I think this is something she would really enjoy. I'll keep the glaze very light, so there is just a hint of sweet. She'll love it, I'm sure.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Had some bad dreams last night. One where this kinda cute(but SOOOOO not my type) very short woman was pushing herself on me. In front of Neda even.. I tried to stop her, didn't work. Tried to ignore her, she just kept trying. Finally I gave in a little, touched her, kissed her, but in the back of my mind and in the pit of my stomach I knew it was wrong. I just couldn't for the life of me remember/think of why this was such a bad idea. Then she said to me, something like, "I bet your boyfriend would love to hear about this," half snarky, half casual.

My heart fell. Right into the pit of screaming 'this is wrong!!' that was my stomach. Without thinking I stood up, knocking her off my lap and onto the floor. I was shaking so bad it took what felt like forever to get my shirt back on (we three were alone in my room but not in the house, and I needed to get away from them, I needed to vomit too frankly). Neda looked all confused, asked what was wrong with me. All I could see was visions of telling Chris what I'd done, or worse - of his finding out, of his hurt, of losing him. I was so distraught I could barely speak. I grabbed Neda by the shoulders, to get her attention I think, and shook her - more a result of my own violent shaking - saying, "Chris! Chris!". That was all I could say.

Suddenly, or at least it is sudden in my memory, the scene shifted. I was in some kind of open public space, almost like an PATH food court in Toronto. Only I was laying on a bare mattress, my pants undone - no idea why. To my right was another bare mattress, with a late 20s man laying on it. To my left was a round table, with many people sitting around it. I'm pretty sure they were all my friends, I recognized at least Will.

The guy on the other mattress rolled onto mine and started talking to me. He mention something about my pants, I looked down and they were open - I was shocked, I hadn't known! I went to do them up, and he tried to stop me, put his hands on me. I was nice and asked him as polite as I could, to stop touching me. He just sneered at me and made his touch somehow lewd. I got angry. I grabbed him by the collar/front of his shirt, pulled his face close to mine - big mistake - and told him, between gritted teeth, to get his hands OFF me. When I tried to push him off me I realised I couldn't. He was fully on top of me, his legs pushing mine open, his hands where they shouldn't be, and that evil sneer inches from my face.

To my own credit, I didn't outwardly panic, I kept my brave face, telling him in a louder more angry voice to get the fuck off me while I tried in vain to get him off. This is when Will and I think Brian turned around and saw us. In a split second they had pulled him off me, saying, you heard her, obviously angry. They threw him in the corner behind the table everyone was sitting at, then got up and went over to kick the shit out of him. Meanwhile, I got up, shaking, to sit with everyone at the table.

Weird ass fucking dreams! And I woke up thinking it was 3:16pm - it was more like 10:07am though - musta still been dreaming. The melancholy of the dreams has totally followed me though.

It also really bothers me that I keep dreaming about being unfaithful! I would never NEVER do that!

Saturday, June 14, 2008


Am currently one-handed. Bandaged. Fighting being helped at every turn. But some things I just can't do. I'm not being gracious about it. I thought I would be more so. I guess I am more independant than I thought.

Chris is, in part, totaly enjoying this - being able to boss me around and thinly disguising it as being helpful. I tease him, and vise versa, but I'm ever so glad he came and stayed the night with me. I needed him for the comfort I did.

My darling man is taking my mac home with him - it needs repairs and the part is now in. Needless to say I won't be online for awhile. They are very quick at the Apple store - 3 days to order in the part, another 2 to install it - but the issue is my man works (yay!) so dunno when it will get back to me..

Behave. Miss me. Don't do anything I would do. ;)

Friday, June 13, 2008


Wicked tired.

Ever so nervous.

Waiting for toenails to dry.

Thinking about tomorrow. "Minor Surgery". Never had any kind of surgery.


Made cupcakes last night. They are wicked good. Pictures to follow. Promise.

Hot pink toenails. Hope they last.

Gonna miss using my right hand I am!

Sooooo tired. I think I will sleep on top of the covers. Fuck it.

*grumble* And now I'm totally worried I might have a yeast infection! Now is so not the time! Not that there is a good time for that kind of toruure!

Monday, June 9, 2008

What a Day!!!

Being a housewife is hard flipping work!!

Today my Chris has his first day at his new job. So proud. Full time. With Benefits. Doing whatever techie stuff he does. Very good. Very happy for him. Happy for me, cause I'm a little less worried now.... I know he'll take care of me when I can't do it myself. Now I know that he really is able and I'm not putting undo strain on him. Very good thing. I really do hope his day is going a damn sight better than mine!

I have not had a good day. I'm one disaster after another!

Not to mention I've spent $55 on groceries today! Plus $20 on very needed antihistamine pills. I can't get over how expensive things are! $12.11 for 1L of homogenous milk and a tub of Breyers ice cream!! $10.82 for like 10 lbs of potatoes! Nuts. Just nuts.

I spent over an hour trying to figure out what to make for desert today - we have company coming to dinner. I look like shit, but that's the least of my worries at this point. So anyway, figured out what I wanted to make, made a grocery list, off to the grocery store I went.

When I came I started making the desert and deviled eggs, as an appeitizer, ya know? Well I one of my eggs craked as soon as it hit the water! And another cooked really funny. Good thing I made extra! Still not how I would have liked them to turn out though. I didn't know you could fuck up boiling eggs. *shrug* I have enough for them to munch on while I finish making dinner. Though at this point I think I'm going to get Chris to help me! I really just do not trust myself.

For some strange reason I felt a desire to make the desert exactly according to recipe, even though I felt like I had way too much graham cracker mixture, too too much coconut, and just WAY WAY too much sweetened condensed milk. I was trying to make hello dollies, in case you are curious. Did not work out from start to finish.

I put them in the oven, and let them cook, at the 20 minute mark I noticed they were getting too dark on the top for my liking and turned them down.

At this point I started on the potato salad. I had already cooked the potatoes last night, so I got them out of the fridge and started cutting them up. Half of them were dark around the skin, some had black spots. Not good. Especially since I already had to through out half the ones I cut open the night before on account of them being bad. I called my mom for advice. When unsure, ask mom. She suggested I through them all out, including the bag of basically bad potatoes, and go get some good ones, as in buy loose ones so I'd know what I was getting.

Off to the grocery store again. Got potatoes, carried 10 lbs of potatoes home. Heavy! And, I must add potatoes at the fancy shamancy place down the street cost me over $10! Jesus. But at least I know they are all good! I picked every one myself! Very carefully might I add after my last mishap!

I came home again, and took the desert out of the oven to cool (I'd turned it off and left it in the oven when I went for potatoes). I didn't know where else to put it, it still being hot, so I set it on a burner. I put the new potatoes in a pot, and set it to high to get it to start boiling, then finally sat down for a few minutes.

Before long I could smell somthing burning. I knew there wasn't anything on the burner as it was the one I used late last night for the bad potatoes. I rushed into the kitchen knowing just what I'd done - I turned the wrong burner on and I was burning my desert!!!

I turned the burner off and grabbed the tea towel, picked up the desert with it, and looked for somewhere to place it. I didn't want to put it on the only free burner as that was where the hot oven was venting - counter-productive. So I set it on the counter. It just barely touched and I heard a sizzle. Oh fuck I'm burning the counter I think, and set the desert on the burner, the closet easiest place. I look at the counter to make sure it's ok, it is. I step away, to leave the kitchen and BOOM! The glass dish the desert was in EXPLODED sending glass and hot desert flipping everywhere.

I was so so SO lucky! A few seconds earlier and it would have exploded in my hands and landed on my feet burning and cutting me up really badly. So lucky. As it was, I got hit on the shins with a few pieces, but wasn't cut, and was wearing my house shoes, so no worry of walking on all that glass around me. If I wasn't wearing shoes there would have been a 100% chance of me cutting my feet just stepping out of the mess. It went 2 feet around me in all directions. It's taken me almost 2 hours to clean it up!

I called my mommy again. Right after it happened. I was sooooo shaken up. I was actually shaking. I needed someone to tell me this really was a 'best case' in a worse case scenairo. I wasn't hurt. It's just a dish. And desert, damnit. But nothing irreplacable. I'm irreplacable and I was fine.

I cleaned up the mess on the stove first so I could boil the potatoes and set into the very slow long job of cleaning up. I think I've got it all, but I'm still going to get everyone to keep their shoes on in here for the next day or so. Will vaccum again tonight before bed.

It's almost 5 pm. I have the potatoes cooling in the freezer. I really really hope they are cool by 5pm, because I have to make the flipping salad soon. The ingredients need an hour to 'rest' together to blend before I add the mayo! Man this is cutting it short.

I am so tried. I really just want Chris to come home now. I need a hug!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Money, money, money, moooohn-ney!

So I'm running out of allergy serum. Have to get another bottle. The price has gone up from $120 to $150. Somehow I figured it would go up.

I'm not sure when I was last tested, I think it was last september, so I'm thinking maybe I'm due? I have to deliver the cheque. I'm not sure when they are closed today... I'm thinking maybe I should call back and see.

I don't really feel like going anywhere. Okay, that's not actually true. The reverse is. I really DO want to go out and get this done, among other things, but I'm terrified to go anywhere because I have NO comfy, arch-supporting shoes!! :(

I'm now terrified - just utterly terrified - to put my new fucking runners on again. *pout* I think my right arch fell this morning in the like 2 minutes it took to walk to the car in them, and my poor foot is STILL sore.

I just don't know what to do! I don't know how to fix this. I really really want to, but I don't know how. *pout* I have NO luck with shoes!

And now I'm $150 poorer. Nothing to be done about it. I need this. I'm just all the more worried about my lack of real employment, and any sourse of income. :(

Monday, June 2, 2008

Cake Disaster

I made two really lovely Red Velvet Cakes. Red, moist, rose perfectly. Just wonderful.

Then I TOTALLY fucked up the icing. TOTALLY.

Lesson: I cannot make whipped cream icings. I tried. Honestly I did. But it was SO fucking liquid that the layers of my cake fell off each other - like all the way off - in a most specatualr mess! I suck ass.

I'm sure it also doesn't help that I did a TERRIBLE job cutting the layers. I tried. Honestly I did, but I still fucked it up really really well -- the only thing I've done well with this cake is the fucking it up. When I fuck up I don't go half way, I go ALL the way. Total fucking mess.

So it's now in the freezer with ice pops holding it up. If I had my way it would be in the fucking garbage can. It's a fucking disaster and that is the only place it belongs.

I so so so pissed off at myself. Fucking mees. I can't believe I ruined my cake! This is the last cake I'm going to get to make in a long time, and I TOTALLY fucked it up! It's not a little mistake, it's a TOTAL fucking mess. Like icing all over the freezer mess.

It's taking all my self control not to beat myself about the head repeatedly. *grr*

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Minor Surgery

After five months of waiting to see the plastic surgeon, I finally had my appointment this last Thursday. He wasn't nearly so horrible as I thought/was worried he would be, so yay! He is very good at what he does though, and really that matters more than having a good bedside manner!

I asked about recovery - it's my biggest worry - and got a 'your milage may vary' kinda answer. Recovery can take anywhere from two weeks to two months. I'm personally hoping it's NOT two months!

It's minor surgery so it's done in his clinic, under local numbing agents, so I'll be awake. I didn't ask how long it would take, never really occured to me to ask actually... I was really only focused on recovery and what to do after. I have an instruction sheet, and they will go over everything with me when I come in for the procedure.

Since I waited five months just to see the man, I asked to book the surgery asap. I didn't want to be waiting another five months! Turns out, for once, asap, really is soon! I have an appointment for 12:45pm on Friday June 13th! That's like, not this Friday, but the one following! Crazy soon!

I won't be getting Chris' sweater finished by then, he knows and is okay with that. I'll finish it when I can. Hopefully my hand will be enough better by the fall that I can knit again!

I had to tell my new manager, on my second shift at work no less, that I had an appointment for surgery much sooner than expected and wasn't sure just how long I would be out of commision. The talk thankfully went so much better than expected! She was relieved in a way. See, she was told to hire extra help, which she did, then she was told her sales weren't good so they cut her hours, now she has people she can't actually give shifts to. One of the other girls will happily take my like one shift a week therefore. She told me to keep her posted and by the time I am ready to come back she will likley have more hours for me. I was really worried about how that talk would go, so relieved it went well!

I am still looking for other work. Better work. Work that can, you know, actually give me hours and such. I'd love a full time job. I keep applying for anything I'm remotely qualified for. Right now though, since finding out about my surgery date, I'm kinda wondering if I should still keep looking.... At least for the next few weeks. Cause like, if even by some miracle someone DID want to hire me, I'm going to soon be in no condition to do any kind of work... I think I will keep looking, but I think until at least a week after surgery - when I will have a better idea (I hope) of my recovery time, I'm going to look, but only apply if it's really something I want.