Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm sorry, I just don't care...

I'm in so much pain, I just don't care about anything. I don't have the energy to care. It's taking all I got just to sit here, just to exist. I don't have anything left for caring about anything...

There are things I know I need to do. Hell, there are even things I wanted to do. But right now I just can't bring myself to do them. I can't bring myself to do anything. The pain is all consuming, all enveloping, it makes everything, everything else look insignificant, and also, frankly, out of reach.

When you really can't care about anything it's very hard to find the energy, nah, the motivation to do them. Every task is overwhelming. Every task tests your patience. And at this point, I really don't have any patience. I don't even have the patience to read 1000 words on my favourite blog, nevermind scouring entires on a job site for something I might be able to do.

*sigh* I suck. I just really really suck.

I also wish I'd brought my muscle relaxants with me as my neck is SO incredibly stiff, damnit. Tension. That's what it is. How the fuck does one wake up with a tension headache though?! I really don't get that. I'm tense and worrying in my sleep?? Perhaps though. I had nightmares all night long. I kept making up and whimpering and falling right back into them damnit. But like.... I've been having such a lovely, and otherwise relaxing weekend! I don't get it, I just don't get it.

I guess I just can't turn the worry off. It's always there. Always. Eating away at me. heh. Just like the fucking yeast infection that hasn't fucking gone way! *grumble*grumble*grumble* But my point, worry. It eats at me. I know it does. I have no was to shut if off. The reason I'm worried isn't gone, I can't stop. I don't know how. *sigh*

I'm scared you see. Very scared. Of a lot of things I guess. Mostly, I'm scared of not having any money. What very little savings I had at the beginning of November is whittling down to nothing now. I make less money working very part time than I actually spend in a month. Sad but true. And I'm not even paying rent damnit. I suck. Only conclusion there. I suck.

I'm also scared I'll never find a decent job. It's been months now, and nothing. Ok, well one thing, I didn't realize, cause again, I suck. So now I'm worried I won't ever get another offer of any kind. I do apply. I keep applying, but still, nothing.

I'm scared. I have no money. I work maybe 10 hours a week for minimum wage. I don't make enough to even pay my meagre bills. I'm scared. I'm really scared. What the fuck am I going to do?!

And right now I'm in so much fucking pain the only thing I want to so is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry. Just cry and cry and cry until there is nothing left of me. *Sigh*

Really not productive to my predicament, but I can't fucking help it. I didn't ask for this pain! If I knew how the fuck to get rid of it, other than death, I would so do it. I would. But I don't know. I just don't. *Sigh* Again, I suck..


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Sometimes I'm just a big kid.

This might be a little TMI, but bear (ha! sorry, you'll get that in a minute) with me for a moment. I'm on my second round of antibiotics - Cipro XL this time - for a very unpleasant sinus infection that's been plaguing me for just far too long. One of the well known side effects of antibiotics, particularly with women, is yeast infections. The stronger the antibiotic, the more likely the chance of being overrun by yeast (the antibiotic kills both the bad bacteria you want to get rid of, and the good bacteria that keep you healthy - like the bacteria that keep your yeast in check).

Dispite having been on numerous rounds of various antibiotics, and just being a woman these past 28 years, I've never had a yeast infection. Considering the strength the stuff I'm on now hoewever, it's no surprise that I aquired one 3 days into my treatmeant. Yay me (NOT).

Highly unpleasant, gross and disgusting. Is all I will say about the yeast 'infection' (infection is a misnomer, it's really an imbalance).

I'm sure this will sound odd, but in feeling so like... gross and unclean, and generally ow-y this weekend I've really really missed my teddy bear (I've been at Chris' since Thursday afternoon). Usually I would curl up with him when I feel like this.... he's always so comforting like that... and he's a teddy, he doesn't care if I'm yeasty, and best of all really, I can't give what I have to him, and he goes in the wash, so regardless of what I might have, there's no worry of him giving it back to me either.. *sigh* So I miss him, for the shear guiltless comfort he always brings me. A hug when I need one, with no one to ask. I can hold him all night, and all day too. He sits in my lap, he fills up my arms, he quietly comforts whenever I need him. I can put him aside when I need to and he doesn't mind a jot. The next time I need a little TLC, he's right there, just as cuddly and willing as ever.

I love my bear. I don't care if I'm supposed to be all grown up and "past tht stage". He's my bear and I love him, and right now, I miss him.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Angry Rant (with swearing)

I hate men today.

"I'm disinclined to breed at this point in time"

And with that his part in it is done, well, except to make fun of my terror every fucking chance he gets. *grumble*

Murphey's Law:
Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong, and at the exact moment to do the most damage.

Being a firm believer in Murphey's Law I have been positively terrified for the past few months that I'm going to end up pregnant. I do not, do not want to have a baby! Not now, and as this terror has shown me, not ever.

But I've been worrying, all the time, every day, all day long, that I've fucked up, that I'm pregnant. I have a bit of a hyphocondriac streak, I'm sure it doesn't help that my 19 year old cousin is in fact pregnant. She is in a better position than I am, at least she has a full time job!!

Me, I'd be fucked. My worst fear of course, is that I'd find out too late to abort. I would really rather kill myself than have a baby. No joke. I do NOT want to have a baby, and sure as fuck not now. I have no job, if I had the baby, I'd have no place to live either. Chris isn't working, how the fuck is he supposed to help me?! And would I really expect him to? No. I don't expect any man to.

So I live with this terror, and it IS terror. And every fucking time I mention my fears to Chris I get two things: first off he makes fun of me, cuase you know, it's so much fun to belittle your terrified girlfriend, and secondly I get the "if you were pregnant, you'd just know" speech.

Now, for all those of you out there that think that's true, I have one thing to say to you: you're fucking dreaming!!! Some women might know, especially ones that have gone through it before, but I'm telling you right know there is NO fucking way I would ever know. No fucking way. It's a load of Bullshit, and I won't have it.

It fucking infuriates me when he says that. "You'll just know." How the FUCK will I just know!? Is my fucking uterus going to send my brain a fucking memo!? I don't fucking think so!! I might know something is wrong, but I'm not going to have a fucking clue what is wrong. That's just fucking ridiculous. You'll just know.... Go fuck yourself. You'll just know...

I really don't like him very much right now, can you tell? Teasing is one thing, but making fun of me, especially when I'm truly terrifed, that's just.... fucking low, that's what that is. Inexcusable. Asshole.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


I have finished objects! And I've left them so long, I actually have three! For me, that's a LOT at once. I guess I've been knitting more lately.. Or rather I've been kniting littler (is that even a word?) things lately.

(1) My Koolhaas Hat.
KoolHaas Hat v1
KoolHaas Hat v1
Ta Da!

I actually made two of these hats. Identical except for the number of CO stitches. I thought it silly to take pictures of both, so pictured is v2, the one that fits me. And here is my favourite picture of me in my hat. (If you click through you can see all the notes I added. Maybe it's the new antibiotics messing with me, but I just found this shot too amusing.)
KoolHaas Hat v2

(2) The Klein Bottle Tea Cozy
Klein Bottle Tea Cozy

I'm really quite proud of this one. It's knit entirely from a pattern on my own creation. I was inspired by the Klien Bottle hat on Knitty, but this one is all me. I knit it for Chris' brother who is the only person I have ever known to get excited about a Klein Bottle.

Klein Bottle Tea Cozy
I really hope he likes it! Personally I think it's pretty damn cool.

(3) The Pentagonical Star
Inspired by Pepperknit's stars that she's made recently, I decided to followsuite and make one for my Chris' newest family member - his nephew.

Pentagonical Star

I used left over Fleece Artist wool in a lovely bright purple and blue. Sadly, I didn't have enough, so instead of frogging the whole thing, I finished the last three points in a white yarn I had that I knew felted. They didn't felt anywhere near the same though. *sigh* What's a girl to do?

Regardless, I think it's cute damnit. It's imperfections add to it's perfection. I never understood that until now. The more I look at it, the more I like it. I like that it's a little lopsided, I think it's kinda charming! Hopefully the recipient (and his parents!) think so too.

Pentagonical Star

Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter

I just finished reading The Laughing Corpse, second of the Anita Blake series by the wonderful Laurell R. Hamilton (and it's all I can do not to pick up the third book and start reading it RIGHT NOW).

I love love love Anita! She is bad ass! And I never say that about anyone, but she is! And oh gods are the books good. Delicious, wonderful story about a little woman who totally kicks ass! All kinds of ass! Vampire, Voodoo Queen, Zombie, human thugs, you name it, she can beat it. Necromancer. Tough Chick. Takes a beating and dishes out worse, you can bet your ass. Oh I love her, I just love her! But then, I've always had a thing for short chicks with spunk, and she has that in spades.

I wanted to post about other things, but I just had to spill out my praise for Anita and her writer Ms. Hamilton. I just love chicks that kick ass, you don't get to see them very often in media of any kind, it's just so damn refreshing! I love it, I just love it.

I'm actually considering calling my local-ish bookstore and asking them if they can get the next two books for me. $24 well spent if you ask me. But should I really be buying stuff when I have so little money? Probably not. But then... I've never been good at self denial, so we will see how long I can resist the urge. Really though, there is a LOT of worse things I could be spending my money on, right?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

On the subject of Chronic Headaches

It's just so fucking painful. I don't know how I ever survived like this. I know I did. For more than 2 years I did. In this kind of "please just kill me now" pain every, every fucking day. I don't know how I did it. Just surviving is a fucking accomplishment. Working, oh fuck, working is way hard. Being polite, being upbeat, trying to be friendly, fuck, they are near imposible. And improving yourself? That's a fucking laugh. Just getting by is hard enough! I'm barely hanging on as it is! No one in this condition wants to add more trouble to their lives. No fucking wonder I got fired. No one wants to work with a grouch.

It's a disability you know, chronic pain. You can't function like other poeple. The expectation that you do is ridiculous. And no one, NO ONE, but those that have gone through periods of intense chronic pain can even begin to understand.

It's every day. Every night. All night. Even in sleep you don't escape it. Every moment of your life. You are fighting for normality. You are fighting just to get up. You are fighting to make breakfast, to shower, to get dressed. Walking out the door, down the steps, it's all a battle. It's hard won. It's exhausting. It never stops. You must always be fighting. It wears you down, bit by bit.

You can't be happy. You might have some semblance of happy, but it's not true happiness. You have this weight on you, bearing down, at all times. You just don't have the energy or freedom for real happiness.

How do I know this? I had about a year to recover, to become pain free. It took a long time for the pain to slowly ebb, and for my brain and body to adjust to the idea of not always being in constant pain. I did get used to if finally. And I noticed, with a kind of shock, as it had been so very long since I'd been without pain, that life was easier, that I was able to be happy, freely, truly, happy! I had so much more energy. I could be friendly and happy and polite and it was easy, oh so easy.

Happy surprised me the most. I thought I'd had moments of happiness during the chronic pain, but they paled in comparison. I mean literally paled. Like the difference between baby blue and true sky blue. It was as if I was living in a fog then, and now it had been lifted. The weight was gone, I felt so light. I got used to it...

And now the fucking pain is back. Back and full fucking force. I don't know what to do! I don't know how to fix it. I wake up almost every fucking morning with a headache that could fell a rhino. Nothing helps. No decongestant, no anti-histamine. I don't know what to do!

I still think it might be the way I'm sleeping but I really don't now how to fix that. I just.. I don't. Gods fucking damnit. I've known for the past ten years or so that sleeping with my head on an upward incline helps. Really helps. I've also learned that supporting my neck properly also helps. Helps a lot. I've been doing these things. That hasn't changed, but the pain is back, oh gods fucking help me, it's back.

It's no fucking wonder to me that people dealing with Chronic pain are often also depressed. You try living in a state of constant, life-crushing pain and being happy-go-lucky!

That's the thing that kills me most. Fucking doctors. You know what their best advice is to someone living with chronic pain?! Ignore it!!!!!!!!!

You heard me right, ignore it. Like it's even fucking possible to ignore it! I want to slap them when they tell me that. Actually I want to break their leg and make them walk around on it, and live their life "normally", sans cast, for the next 3 months. THEN we can fucking talk about how to treat chronic pain sufferers. It would be a different tune then, I tell you what.

No sympathy. NO understanding. That's my biggest beef. Doctors don't get it, and they just don't care how much suffering is involved. They can't fix it. That's the thing I suppose. They don't know how. They can give you pain killers, but only ever enough to take the edge off. Never ever enough to make you feel good - to make you feel pain free - just enough so you go about your life, suffering all the while.

I'm engraged, can you tell?! Is there really any other condition in medicine where they tell you to just suck it up and get on with life? You have an ulcer, oh well that's too bad, eat more regularly, and chin up, NEXT! I don't think so. It's because you can't see it. You can't feel someone elses pain, so doctors just don't fucking care. It's a non-problem for them. Of course it is, they aren't the ones that have to go through every fucking day of their lives in so much pain they want to die.

Make no mistake, death is looking pretty damn good from here. I'm not reglious, I don't have some kind of paradise or firey hell waiting for me. Just death. Sweet oblivion. And the kicker is, all things considered, I like my life!!! I have a man that loves me and I love him dearly, I have wonderful friends, I have great family, other than the pain I'm healthy, I'm smart and a hardworker, I know someone will hire me eventually. But right now, oh fuck, death looks pretty damn good. It's an escape! It's a way to get out of this fucking constant pain.

I want to cry. Every morning I wake up like this I want to cry. I want to stay in bed, stay unconcious. I don't want to face the world. I don't want to do anything that involves moving. Moving makes it worse. But I get up, I go about my day, I'm not sunshine, ha, no, but I do it. Why? Becuase I have to. Because if I don't I won't have a life. Bills have to get paid, things have to get done. I can't let the pain rule my life.

Sometimes I think people don't understand how I could be in pain becuase I do just that. I get up and I keep going. Perhaps if they knew both sides of me. If they saw what I was like on days when I'm dealing with the pain, when I'm miserable, and it takes every once of my will just to put on a wane smile and keep moving. If they saw what I was like when the pain was gone, when I smile, joke, and almost bounce around with energy and happiness. If they could just see the outward difference maybe, just maybe, they could beleive something was different inside, from my perspective too.

Koolhaas Pt. 1 (the rant)

I'm a terrible updater, I admit it. But a whole lot of nothing's been going on. Just life. I'm working a little. A very little right now. I'm looking for work, daily. I visit my man whenever I can. At this point it really does feel like I spend almost as much time at his place as I do at home. In fact, his place does feel like home. I call it home without thinking about it, so it must feel like home. He feels like home, I think that's the key. I'm so happy to have him. I know that's mushy, and I hate mushy, but it really is true - all the time I feel my luck at having found him, at his being mine. :D

Ok, enough with the mushy! I blame it on the late hour, and the rumbling in my tummy - makes it harder to think. Yeah, that's it. ha.

I haven't been knitting much lately. Well, up until about a week ago I was knitting like a fiend. I wanted to make myself a Koolhaas hat. I even bought the pattern! That's something for me, usually I would have just winged it and tried to figure it out on my own, or do something of my own concocting, but I actually liked the pattern so well I paid $4.50 US for it. It's a damn good thing I liked it too! I ended up knitting the hat about 3 times. I knit the top 5 times, it'll be 6 by the time all is said and done actually.

Never being one to follow a pattern exactly, I decided I wanted a very warm hat, but I also wanted that hat to be the Koolhaas hat. It's not a cold weather hat. So I doubled up some gorgous teal alpaca that I had in my stash, and used that. This meant I was knitting on 6mm needles, and therefore not able to follow the pattern in terms of CO stitches or numbers of repeats.

I CO 80 stitches, knowing the yarn in the Koolhaas pattern had stretch. I did three repeats then began the decreasing for the top. I tried it on and realised right away it was WAY too short! It barely covered the tops of my ears! Disgusted, I ripped it off my head.

I like a hat much longer than that, so I frogged the top, and re-knit it, this time with four repeats. When I tried it on again I learned two things to my utter dismay: it was definitely way too tight and about 1-1.5 inches too tall!! It was so tight in fact it gave me a headache! Yes, I'd tried it on while it was on the needles, I knew it was a little tight, but I had no idea it would be as tight as it was!

I frogged the hat to the point where I thought the decreasing would start - for someone with a 19 inch head (3 repeats for those keeping score). Neda helped me on that part as she has a 19 inch head.

koolhaas v1

I must note: when Neda saw the hat she fell in love, when she touched it she became enraptured. It's gorgeous in design, colour and execution (even if I do say so myself), soft, warm, in short (or is this long?) it's everything a hat should be.

Neda convinced me to go with the plan I was leaning towards: leaving this hat on the needles and making myself another with the other two balls of this lovely alpaca yarn I had in my stash. I have to give credit where credit is due, this was not my idea, it was Chris', and after all the work I'd put into the hat thus far I was really very hesitant to frog it completely.

The plan was modified to include a contingency and a recipient of the smaller hat. I would knit myself a hat, and if/when I would need more yarn, as I was sure I would, I would take said yarn from the ball attached to the smaller hat. If and only if there was enough yarn left over would I finish the hat. In the case of being able to finish the smaller hat (very likely as there was a good bit of yarn left over with 3 repeats), it would go to Neda. We just have to agree not to wear it at the same time. ha. A condition she easily agreed to, happy at the prospect of the lovely hat being hers. Yay plan - everyone's happy!

So, I cast on again, this time with 88 stitches. This time I knit 3.5 repeats, knowing that would be the magic number for my head size. I got about half way through the decreasing when I realised, to my utter dismay, I'd seriously fucked up the pattern a few rows back and the only solution was to go back to the beginning. I actually think I fucked up row 2 but managed not to realise until row 6. The only solution was to rip it out and go back to row one, as ripping this hat had proved...problematic. I knit the top again, and again I fucked up, this time about row 7, and had to go back to row 5. I need to stop watching new, well 'new to me' episodes of CSI:Miami while knitting! I so wasn't paying good enough attention, obviously.

Finally I got the dang thing finished. I was so frustrated, and so.. relieved to have it done. It was satisfying in a kind of stubborn, "I beat you!" kind of way. I immediately had to show if off to my parents. ha. In a very childish/proud "Look what I made!"kinda way. Even my Pa was impressed. I could tell cause he asked all surprised, "Did you make this?" Why, yes, yes I did. And I have the journey of frustration to prove it! ha.

My new hat is currently in use, as in it's taken the place of my light-weight bright pink beret as my hat of choice. Sadly, it's not as warm as I'd hoped it would be, and I'm not really sure why. I can't imagine that I knit it too lose, the 6mm needles seemed perfect, but I tell you what, a lot of wind gets through, a lot more than I thought would. Perhaps that's a result of it being 88 sts instead of the truly perfect 84 stitches in diameter. 84 just wouldn't have worked with the pattern. So on well.

It really is a lovely hat though. I am so in love with the colour, design and even the yarn choice. It's gorgeous and I think it looks great on me. I have yet to get a picture of me wearing it though. I'm too busy being out in the world actually wearing it to model it. ha.

I do have some pictures of the finished product. On my camera. At home. In Hamilton. Currently being in Toronto at my Chris' they are doing me no good. I forgot to offload them, so I will have to post them later. But I will. Oh, I will. I worked way too hard on this hat not to show it off!

I did have a point, other than the knitting story, way back there: all this knitting has made my right wrist (the one with carpal tunnel syndrome) really sore. That is exactly why I've not finished Neda's hat. I will though. I'm just not too sure when.