Saturday, August 1, 2009


I was in a good mood yesterday evening as we walked from the bus stop to the event we were going to. I started babbling at Chris. It's not like I had anything useful to say, I just wanted to share my day with him, I guess. He cut me off and said, "you need friends to talk to", or something similar, stating he'd had a long day, not stating but meaning he didn't want to hear it. So I just shut up.

He's right though. I do need friends. Trouble is I don't have any anymore. I don't know anyone I can talk to about nothing, everything, anything. I miss it. I miss Neda. She's the only one I could ever just talk to. I miss that so very much. There's a big whole in my life where she used to be, and it won't ever be full again.

I've never really had many friends. The childhood friends I've grown up with really only became my friends because, well, we all love Neda so much, so we ended up friends. Now she's gone and so are they. It's not like I have anything in common with them anymore anyway. I always feel kinda awkward talking to them because we live in such different worlds now.

I don't really know many people in Toronto. I have some acquaintances, and they're nice enough, but... I'm just bad with people I guess. I don't know. I can't seem to make an actual connection. I never know what to say. I feel incapable of starting up a conversation. I'm certianly incapable of keeping one going. :( I'm just.. full of fail.

I miss having friends, I really do. I wish I knew how to 'make friends' but I don't. I never have.

Poor Mike, he's been a saint. I bug him all the time, and he always listens. It's really nice. I'm so very glad I met him. Even if he is all the way on the other side of the continent, in a different country, he really is the best friend I've got. I'm really glad IAM is around, I would never have met him otherwise.

But I talk to him online. It's not the same as having a living, breathing person in front of you to talk to. Maybe that's why I like going to visit my parents so much these past few months... My mom lets me talk her ear off. We have actual conversations. It's nice. It's really nice. I wonder if she has any idea just how lonely I've been lately... I think sometimes I push her pateince, I talk at her so much when I go home, but she lets me talk anyway because she's my mom. Gods bless her. She's a wonderful woman, my mom. I wish I could be more like her.