Saturday, October 31, 2009

Ipod Case

When I started going to the gym I realised right away that I'd want to bring my ipod nano with me. Exercising in silence is just unfun. The only problem with that is, my work-out pants have no pockets. Where to put my ipod? Normally, I'd stick it in the side of my bra, but exercising means sweating. Ipods and moisture do not mix.

I looked online just about everywhere google could take me, and the only cases I found would end up costing me way more than I wanted to spend. So I decided to make myself a case. A friend of mine works in a hardware store where they actually sell neoprene! How cool is that? So I got some neoprene, and some contact cement-like glue from him. I used fabric scraps from a yet unfinshed, but fully cut, sewing project. I bought the trim for another project, that I didn't end up using it on, and so had lots for this project. Yay re-purposing!

Side 1
Ipod Case, Side 1

Side 2
Ipod Case, Side 2

I cut the neoprene into a square, roughly big enough to wrap around my ipod, with room to sew it closed. I glued fabric to the front and back of the neoprene, then gave it time to dry. I sewed the fabric-covered neopreme case closed on three sides of the neoprene square, then I sewed the trim on. Took about an afternoon all told. Totally worth it. I think it looks great.

Ipod with Case
Ipod and Case

Ipod in Case
Ipod in case

Of course, like 3 days after I get the case made, I drop my nano, and the screen goes on it! :( Boo-urns!! I love my little nano! I don't even like the newest generation. Who the hell wants a video camera on their bleeding MP3 player?! Honestly! So now I don't know what I'm going to do. The screen isn't fully dead, so I can navigate someone, but I can't change the setting, as I can't see them, and I have no idea when the battery is going to go, as I can't see anything on the right hand side of the screen. Bah! Bah I say!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Prep

In preparation for Halloween, I decided to add another coat of red coloured hair spray to my wig - I couldn't find a red wig the right length, so I had to buy a white one in the right cut, and colour it red. Damn annoying process I tell you what! Next time I think I'd just get a red wig and try to do something with the cut.. Live and learn.

I also tried out Chris' makeup. We're going as Lucy (Daughter of the Devil) and Satan. If you've never seen Lucy, Daughter of the Devil, then you need to get your hands on a copy and watch it! So funny. So good.

Anyway, this is Lucy, and her dad, Satan:

As you can see, Satan is red. So I got my man some red face paint. It's theatrical grade, cause that's how I roll. There will also be lots left over. I'm thinking we may need to go as oompaloomas next year, or somethimg. The makeup covers really well, and washes off with just soap and water - thank goodness.

Picture 666 - Testing Satan's Makeup.

I amused myself greatly with it. Look at how red! I glowed in the flash, I've no idea why, I didn't really glow in person, thank the gods. But yeah, way red. And it didn't bug my skin, which is good, so hopefully it won't bother Chris' either.

I can't wait for the Halloween party! It's going to be fun!! :)


Chronic pain means choosing your battles. There is only so much you can do in one day before all your energy and motivation is gone, and you need to curl up and focus what's left of your energy on just getting through the day.

Yesterday I picked making the desert for Saturday night's Halloween Party. I wanted it done ahead of time so I wouldn't stress about it. This meant I had to go to the grocery store, crush cookies to crumbs, and then make and bake said desert. It took me all afternoon frankly. And when I was done, I was done.

I really wanted to get laundry done too, but what with my uterus kicking my ass, and my jaw so extremely sore, I just didn't have the energy. I've been clenching my jaw as a subconscious way to deal with the headache pain. Well, it's come home to roost. Now my jaw aches constantly no matter what I do. I'm trying to baby it, but it's a battle.

Today, I choose going to the gym as my battle. My goal was 20 minutes of cardio and to do the weighted workout my personal trainer set up for me. I did 40 minutes of cardio - go me! Those last 20 minutes were harder than they normally are, but kept going, slower than normal, but still working my heart and muscles. I was proud of myself. Then I did the weighted workout. To be honest I did 3 sets of everything instead of the 2 she set out. If felt too easy. I did only do 30 of the ball passes, as she suggested though. Those kill my abs! They're sooo much harder than they look! Then I stretched out really well. I took the time. I think this is why I don't feel as tight as I did the night of my first workout. The real test will be to see how I feel tomorrow though.

Again, there are other things I would have liked to have done today, but again, I have to pick my battles. I only have limited energy and gumption. Frankly, today all I wanted to do was lay in my bed curled up in a ball. I'm tickled pink, I got up, got dressed, and did anything at all.

Today feels like a victory. I hurt. I admitted it. I took what painkillers I have, and only when I felt better did I try to do something. Pushing through the horrible pain doesn't build character, it just hurts. But I can't do nothing when I have pain, I have pain every day. But that doesn't mean I should try to carry on as if nothing is wrong, especially when the pain is so bad I can't think. I'm just now learning what it means to manage my pain. But, boys oh boys, what I wouldn't give to one day be pain free!

That's part of why I'm pushing now. I was pain free for a year. Really pain free. I want to get there again. I think I can get there again, I need to believe it, or I'll go stark raving mad.

I need to be more active. I need to loose weight. I need to stress less. This is what I did last time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stress less, but I'm trying to at least manage what triggers I can; I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do, all anyone can ask of me.

Monday, October 26, 2009


November is NaNo (National Novel Writing Month). I've a friend that's done it for a few years now. She actually gets to 50,000 words! 50 thousand words!!!! My mind boggles.

I don't think I've written 50 thousand words in all my (very limited) accumulated works. I'm really not sure I could. I kinda want to try, but honestly, I just don't know if I could. I don't feel like I have any stories to tell. I've not come up with a new story idea in years. What does that say about me? What if that part of me is dead??

I'm a corward, I realise this, but I just...I don't know if I want to know. I think it might break something inside of me to learn that I really can't do it. I don't even understand why I care, but I do. What if that part of me is broken? What if I killed the part of me that was once creative?

I think it must be dead. Like I said, I've not thought of a new idea in years. Years.

I'd like to think that perhaps the story that has been at the forefront is just too.. strong to let anything else push through, but that sounds too much like bull shit, even to me.

"They", you know, the mysterious 'they', say you should write what you know. I don't like that. What do I know? I know pain and fear, with a sprinkling of love. My world is enveloped by pain, ruled by fear, and made tolerable by love. This is not the kind of world anyone would ever want to read about! This is not a pleasant world. It's painful and full of cowardice. It's ugly and shameful, and for many years I did my best to escape through books and my own fantasies. In recent years, I've learned to be mostly happy in my little hole, knitting and baking, and waiting...waiting for loved ones to have time for me, waiting for people to come home (some, okay, one of whom I've only just realised, never will), waiting for the pain to pass, waiting for things to get better.... The things I know, the world I understand... It's not the type you write about. It's not pretty or noble or anything worthy of reading about.

Bah. I really do wish I had a story. Something fun. My life is lacking that right now. The whole chronic pain thing puts a damper on...well, everything actually. Fun would be good. Something light-hearted. I can't be the only one that enjoys a light-hearted romp through fantasy land, can I?? If only I has a story *sigh*

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I like the idea of Sunday sweets.. Or at least, picking a day and posting pretty picture(s). Though I'm not sure if I can be silent as well. Perhaps I'll just just not saying much?

I love fall, I love the little gourds you can buy at grocery stores. I've started a little 'tradition' of sorts, buying myself a wee basket full, so I can enjoy them all October. This year I even got mini-corn! so cute!

Anyway, on to my gourds!


Mini Pumpkin

Wee little pumpkins that fit in the palm of my hand! I coudln't resist! Squee!

Pumpkin in the Palm of my Hand

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Sunshine Yellow Seraphim

I've been lax in posting about my crafty things, I really have. This has to change! I have been knitting, honestly I have. I've also been doing some little cooking and baking too. I need to start posting about these things. I'm not really sure why I don't.... Hrm. something to think about there. Perhaps if I knew why I didn't I could fix it. It's not the effort, I don't do that much other things, honestly. Maybe it's my desire to hide from the world, being jobless, and feeling useless does that to a person I think. And although I'm doing things, I'm not earning any money, so perhaps I de-value them, or just feel guilty for enjoying them without paying for them?? I really don't know.

Anyway, enough with the inner reflection, and on to the knitting. Let me introduce (the whole, what one of you?) to my Sunshine Yellow Seraphim shawl.

Seraphim Lace Detail

I'm so very proud. I bought this beautiful yellow yarn at Romni Wools one day this past summer. Knowing full well I don't look good in yellow, I just couldn't help myself. I love yellow. It made me think of sunshine, and I just could not leave the store without it. It's not so often I fall in love with yarn these days, so I bought it. It was only 700 yards.
Not quite enough to make a shawl usually, but I used bigger needles, bought the Seraphim pattern that I'd fallen for, and knit it.

From this:
Huge skien of beautiful Fleece Artist Merino

To this:
Seraphim Shawl on Chair

In a couple weeks. I was addicted to knitting this shawl. The yarn was such a joy to knit with! The pattern was simple and clear. The lace pattern at the bottom is just so graphic at this size. It's also pretty darn warm for a shawl! And not a bit of itchiness to it!

Please excuse the horrible picture of me, but I wanted to show the shawl on me for size. It's big. It actually fits me!! And I'm a tall fat chick, so that's saying something.

Self Portait

Every time I wear it out I get compliments on it. This of course pleases me greatly. I mean, what's better when you make things than to have others oo and ah, and tell you how pretty they are? Okay, being able to wear them and use them, and be happy with them yourself is paramount, but I still like having my skills/craftswoman-ship(I don't care if it's not a word, I'm not a man) appreciated.

Friday, October 23, 2009


I'm feeling low. It's cold and miserable outside, my knees are screaming at me for making them do so many sets of stairs and January is looming like a great dark cloud over me.

January is the three year anniversary of being laid-off, the last time I worked a real, full-time job. I've worked a bit of part-time retail here and there, but that's it. I don't consider the retail work, "real" jobs. They don't pay enough to keep a dog alive, never mind an adult human. I really regret working the retail in fact. If it wasn't for that, I may still have half-way decent feet. Instead mine are a fucking mess and it's directly a result of working retail. But it's January that looms. Three years in a long time.

I feel so useless; so utterly hopeless. Who's going to hire me with a three year gap in my resume?! Even if the economy wasn't shaky, that's damn odd. But I can't change it. I haven't worked in three years. And I feel fucking useless. Totally and completely fucked. I couldn't even get a job as a secretary. I've tried. No one was interested. No one but PT retail has shown any interest in three fucking years, and the only reason they were interested is because they are desperate for employees. Turnover rates in retail are high - the work is hell and the pay is crap.

I know what I want to do. I know what my dream job would be. And I know there isn't a fucking hope in hell I'll ever get the chance to do it. I don't feel qualified. I know, with a little training I could do it with ease, it's what I'm good at. But I don't even know if the job truly exists.... most people I know that have or have had that kind of job are not only the 'architect', but the 'builder' as well. I'm not technical enough for that. I couldn't build software to save my life. I am not a programmer. I doubt I'll ever be. I don't have the education, or the inclination. I'm not good with languages of any kind damnit. But I'm pretty good with people, and I'm good with documents. Hell, I'm even not bad ad debugging. But writing code? No, I can't do that. Perhaps someday, but it's honestly not likely. So I don't see how I'm going to make it as a business analyst.

Perhaps I should just give up, and try becoming... what? what can I do?! Secretary work?? I don't know if I could do that again. Too many memories of my coworkers and boss laughing at me fill my head when I think of that. I still haven't gotten over that. I don't know as I ever will.

Here I am moaning, when I meant to not think about all this. But I guess some things just can't be silenced. It weighs on me. I just don't know what to do. I feel so utterly hopeless, useless, and helpless to make any change or difference in my circumstances.

So much for having a degree. Useless fucking piece of paper. :(

Anyway. Better thoughts. There's fuck all I can do about it right now. I'm only going to make myself more upset thinking about it.

Chocolate. Did I write about Valentines day this year?? I really can't remember if I did. Chris bought me chocolates. He took me to this posh little place in Yorkville where he'd gotten me chocolate the Christmas before last. Yes, it was that good that I'd remembered and asked him to take me there again and again. I think he was saving it for Valentines day. I'm not big on the holiday, but I am big on chocolate. Ooo, what pretty things they have! And having tasted their chocolate bars I was eager to taste them. So eager I scarfed one down before I even thought to take a picture of the pretty chocolates when I got them home!

Valentine Chocolates

I then re-wrapped their box, so I could have a record of just how pretty they were wrapped. The gold box was very sturdy, and oh so pretty. The ribbon even has their name on it. Real ribbon. Not that fake plastic stuff. We did get them in Yorkville afterall. heh.

Valentine Chocolates, The Box

How pretty is that? And they were good too, I should add, the chocolates, that is. So yummy. The ones with the stripes had a vaugely limed flavour, they were refreshing. The ones with the coffee bean imprints had a bit of coffee flavour. I can't for the life of me remember what the ones with the round, uplifted circle on the tops were. I think the ones with the "the" written on them (only one is left in the picture above as I started with that one), was my favourite. Pure, sweet, but not too sweet, yummy chocolatey goodness, if I recall correctly. I enjoyed them though, that's for sure. It was the force of will alone that stopped me from eating them all that day. I could have, but those little buggers were expensive! woo.

Note Chris, since you're the only one that reads this, when you do read this, please don't think this is my 'subtle' way of asking for more. I just wanted a happy memory to push out the not at all happy one is all. Love you!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Ray of Sunshine

My bestest friend, sent me a ray of sunshine today, all the way from South Korea (which is too far for comfort, if you ask me). Colour me surprised when I went to pick it up at the post office! I thought it was the knitting t-shirt I ordered last week or so, but no. It was a gift from my Neda. It made me cry, it did. She suddenly didn't feel so very far away. Bless her.

What did I get you ask? Why, this:

I recently started watching Buffy again. I torrented the first season, and went to see what it would cost to own it properly. had it on sale. I posted the link to facebook, cause you know, I was so tempted, but I'm not working, and we just bought gym memberships, and such, this was not the month for it. Neda saw it, and decided to get it for me. Sweet, sweet woman!

Buffy had always been our thing, Neda and mine's. We used to watch it together every week, or tape it and watch a few at a time when we got busier with school and such. Neda actually introduced me to Buffy, and convinced me to watch it. I'm so glad she did too, it really is 'full of win' as my new Torontian friends say. But then, I love just about anything with a woman lead that kicks ass. Buffy has a special place in my heart though, because she was the first, the original, ass-kicker.

I'm sitting here hugging the box, almost in tears, thinking about all the good times Neda and I have shared. And that she bothered. She went to the trouble, and spent the money to bring me happiness. That means the world to me it does. She isn't completely gone.

Hope springs eternal. Sometimes at least. :D

Friday, October 2, 2009

Progress! (one step at a time)

We've joined a gym! After my glowing review of the Miles Nadal JCC Chris said he wanted to join as well! Wee! So I booked us an appointment, and we went in to see the nice manager lady. Everyone there is so super friendly. Even reception. I find that pretty freaking amazing.

When Chris does things, he sure does them right. We also bought 3 personal trainer sessions each, so they can help us get started on the road to better fitness. A lady called Chris yesterday to book his first appointment which is orientation, and a fitness check (complimentary session). I hope someone calls me soon too.

This is how much of a goober I am: I'm actually kinda afraid to go to the gym because I've never been to a gym before, don't now the etiquitte, and worse (to me), I have no clue how to work the machines. I'm just. Scared. It's totally irrational, but there it is. Damnit.

Other progress has been made as well. I have a line on a possible wedding location for the date we want. Squee! I really didn't think we'd find anything. All of the other options I'd picked, ironically all in Hamilton area, were booked, but this one is in Toronto was not. Friends of ours had their wedding reception there and could not speak higher of the Hotel, Food, Services, and the lady that manages/organizes it all. Very good praise indeed. Even their guests (the ones I know anyway) spoke very highly of them. Best recommendation I could ask for. I've seen pictures too, and it's very pretty, very elegant inside, without being stuffy. I do like it. I really hope it pans out. I really do want to be married on 10.10.10.

I mean, come on, how cool is that? I'd thought of it before, when I was hoping Chris and I might make it to this point. That 10.10.10 would be a cool day to get married. It would certainly be easy to remember! Mostly I thought being married in 2010 would be great for figuring out when we were married, I'd only have to subract ten. I can do that easy. I'm not very good at subraction, for whatever reason. So yeah. And I wanted October, because I want a fall wedding. I want wedding pictures with the pretty fall leaves in the background. I love fall. It takes my breath away. All the pretty colours. Red, gold, bronze, brown, brightest yellow, darkest rest, they are all stunning. I want that. I want that in my pictures. It will go so well with the red dress.

The only issue with the place I'm hoping to have the wedding, is there is nowhere outside on their grounds for pictures. But we'll live. Chris made the suggestion of going to Humber (Valley?). He went to Humber college, he knows the area. He says there is some pretty wilderness around there, and it's not that far from the Hotel. So yay. I'm hoping that will work out.

I've also kinda fallen in love with a photographer. I found her through facebook ads! Weird. But I went to her website, and looked through her blog of wedding and other pictures. I really like her style. I really enjoy how she captures moments. The pictures aren't stuffy or forced, there is ease and happiness in them. I want that. I'm hoping we can afford her, but her base rate is lower than some of the others I liked a lot less, so I'm hopeful. But honestly, if I really feel like she can get me the pictures I want, then Chris and I will find a way to make it work, I know we will. It's not like I want a lot of her time, 3 hours max. I don't need professional photos of the reception. Besides, I'm having a lunch wedding, it's not going to last all night. What I want is pictures of the two of us and us with our families. That's what matters most to me. We can do that in three hours easy. Even with the ceremony thrown in there.

Once we have the wedding location locked down I think the next big herdle will be finding an officiant. 10.10.10 is a Sunday, so unfortunately we won't be able to get Chris' parents priest to do it. I almost kinda wanted her to. It would have saved me looking for someone for one, but also, I like her. She's bubbly, and full of life and light (which, being a priest, is very suiting). She's also easy going enough that I'm sure she'd be very happy to do a civil ceremony and let us write our own vows (Chris wants to do this, it terrifies me - what to say?!) But she works Sunday, it being a Sunday and all. So we will have to find someone else. Chris I think is going to be more picky here than I am. So I think I might just make him do the looking on this one. I'm not sure I care as much. I just want to get married...

I'm getting more excited about it, and slightly less stressed. I do beleive once we have the location set, and a contract in hands I'll feel better about it all and won't stress half so much. Light at the end of the tunnel. Light at the end of the tunnel. It will work out, whatever happens, because we'll still be together, and really, that's what counts.