Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Freaking Out

I'm officially the heaviest I've ever been. And let me tell you, I'm one fat fuck.

I'm totally freaking out.

I think it might, in part, be due to my meds. I've gained ten pounds in the past 2 months maybe. Maybe a month. It feels fast. Really fast. *Sigh*

At this rate, in a year's time I won't be able to walk, or frankly, fit out the fucking door. No, I'm not exaggerating. I'm sadly damn serious.

I need to loose weight, desperately. But the only way I can see me managing it, is if I cut off a leg.


I'm so fucking sore. All the fucking time.

And if it's not one thing it's another. Either I'm sick, or I'm in pain. I have an infection, or a flare up, or something. There is never a good fucking time. Never.

I just. I don't have it in me anymore to get up when I'm exhausted and sore. I just... I don't have the gumption. Nothing can motivate me. All there is, is the pain, and all I want is to curl up in a ball and hide from it. Of course that doesn't help anything, but I do hurt less in the present.

I just... I can't live for some future that may never come. I'm not a believer. I know it should work. I've done it before. But I no longer have it in me, whatever it is, whatever it takes, to make myself get up and go to the gym when my head is killing me or when my knees scream at me.

And they scream. All the time now. But it's no fucking wonder with what I weight. And it will only get worse of course. Cause I can't seem to do anything to make it better, so it will only get worse.

My doctor is of no help. He's of the 'suck it up' camp. As is the RN. I 'just need to do it'.

What world are they from?!

Living with chronic pain for 10 years has sucked all the life out of me. I have no ambitions. No goals. No dreams for my future. I know what my future holds, and it's a fucking nightmare. Pain. That's what I have to look forward to. For the rest of my life. Pain. Migraines. Tension headaches. Cluster headaches. Jaw Tension headaches. Nausea. Fatigue. Depression. Aching joints. Aching muscles. If I've got it, it's going to ache at some point, yay FMS.

I don't know how to overcome this. I don't have a fucking clue how others do it. I don't know how they work full time jobs, and have families and just push through it.

My pushing days are over. I just can't. I can't.

How do people do it? I don't understand it. I don't understand how I ever did it.

I hurt. I hurt all the fucking time. No matter what I do, I hurt. So why should I expend time and energy making myself hurt more? I don't get it. I don't have extra energy! I use up what little I have just trying to survive day to day.

I wish I had that kind of motivation, that kind of stubborn determination. But I just don't. I've lost it. It's broken. Gone.

I think it was too many fucking doctors not believing me. Too many looking at me and clearly not believing me when I told them I was in pain, so much pain I thought I was going to go insane. They didn't believe me because I was holding down a full time job. I was going to the gym. I was going grocery shopping and taking care of myself. I was going out with friends, on occasion. I lived a mostly full life. I couldn't possibly be in as much pain as I said I was if I was doing all of that. I could see in in the snide looks. In their unbelieving tones. In their flat our refusals to help me. "I can't help you". That's what they all said. Every single fucking one of them. With the message that I should just suck it up and carry on.

No one believed me until I went to my doctor, years later, and told him the state I was in then. I was bed-ridden, like I still am. I was unemployed and incapable of holding down any kind of job, like I am now. I was in so much pain I was fucking suicidal.

All those doctors looking at me like I was lying.. that's what did it. They got me thinking, why SHOULD I just push through this? Why don't I let the pain show? Why don't I try to ease my own pain. They weren't fucking helping, what the hell else could I do? So I let it show. Over time, I stopped pushing as hard, little by little. And then my body fell apart all on it's own. Pain so bad I spent months in bed crying. Literally because I had nothing that could ease my pain for long, and no where to turn.

I still feel like I have no where to turn. My doctor knows I have fibromyalgia, but he's still unsympathetic. I have all kinds of drugs. They help. A bit. Sometimes. I feel like the longer I take them, the less effective they are. I just keep feeling worse and worse. *Sigh* I don't know what to do with myself.

I mean, I know what I need to do. I know. But that doesn't mean I'm capable of it. It doesn't mean I know how to get myself to do it.

I'm so fucking broken. I feel like I'm beyond repair.

I just. I can't do it. I can't. I know I can't because I've wanted to for months, but the pain wins. The pain always fucking wins.


I bought Yarn today!!!

So Elann.com sells yarn as discounted prices, I'm not sure how it gets all the yarns it does. I think they are often discontinued lines or colours, or the last balls of a die lot.  Elann also has their own line, which I don't think I've used actually, but it is also really well priced.

Anyway, point is, I was looking at the Elann.com speak peak, that tells you what they are going to get into stock in the next few days, this past weekend, and they had the prettiest purple merino.  Oh my goodness.  And a name that I know is good stuff!  I've touched it in the store, so I know it's soft.  I've read knitters reviews and know it's good quality. Research is important when you're going to buy enough yarn to make a sweater! Especially since you have to wear it at the end!

It went on sale today at noon.  I just looked at 1pm, and they only had 30 balls of the colour I wanted left!!  And how many did I figure out I'd need to make me the sweater I wanted with it?  30 balls!!  I'd just checked in time!

So, this is the yarn I bought, Berroco Merino Heathers in Elderberry Wine:

And this is the sweater I want to make with it (in my considerably larger size):
It's a free pattern! Yay!  I don't like how they did the neck though. I mean, I LOVE the look, that's exactly what I want, but I don't like their technique.  Using google, for once my google-fu was with me, I found another knitters blog and she made an adorable cardigan for a little girl with ruffles just like that. And bless her, she totally explained exactly how she did it! :D  So now I can do it myself!   I'll likely also be using Elizabeth Zimmerman to help me figure out the increasing in the neck, or decreasing, I haven't decided if I want to make it from the top down or from the bottom up yet. doh.

**Excited!!**  So very excited!  But first I promised my husband(squee! husband) some mittens for christmas.  I also really need to work on my NaNo story or I'll never get to 50,000 words. *sigh*  At least the yarn purchase takes a little of the stress off!  Though, at the rate I knit, I'll have a lovely warm sweater just in time for summer! LOL.  But, if we have a cool June, I just may need it! ha.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I Helped!!

So I've been wondering since Thursday how my friend did on her test.  I just haven't had time to call, or rather, I thought of it when it was far too late to call or I wasn't in a good place to call. doh.  I thought it was strange she didn't call me.

Today I went looking in my junk folder because I was expecting an email that just never arrived, and I found a voicemail from said friend.  She said she passed!  Woohoo!

I'm so very very happy for her!  It's a huge deal for her career-wise.  I'm so damn proud of her!  And so very glad I actually helped!! woohoo!!!!!

I feel a lot less useless and broken.  At least for the moment.  As a result.

I'm still broken though. I always will be, I think.  It's depressing.  Though what really killing me is that I've had a fucking yeast infection for the past MONTH, and no OTC I've tired has actually helped!  Though, I should say, I think I managed to kill the yeast in my vagina, but the yeast on my vulva just will NOT die. :( :( :(  I don't know what to do!

I called my doctor's office today, to try to get some help.  I think I must have called like 30 times.  When I finally got through I got their fucking recorded message!!  So they aren't in.  Maybe not at all today. >.<  I really don't know what to do now.  **frustrated**  I want to have SEX again for fuck's sake!  It's seriously messing up my moods/mental health/general health.  *Sigh*

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Stress will fuck you up man.  For me, my stress is all in my head, literally.  As in, I get tension headaches big time.  Then, because I'm in pain, I start clenching my jaw, only I never realise I'm doing it until it's too late.  Too late being when my teeth start hurting from the pressure, and my jaw begins to ache. Then I get a TMJ headache from the jaw clenching and those are wicked bad. ugh.

I've been feeling stressed lately. Trying to keep up my word count in NaNo, being stressed about the time-line of helping Sabrina try to pass a test that will basically decide her future in the bank she works for, and being on antibiotics for a week there - they fuck me up! Also, my biggest stressor really, is the... way I've been feeling. I've been sore, but also really super weak and without energy.  For instance, they other day I did the dishes, cut up a giant butternut squash and put the oiled pieces in the oven for my dinner.  I was standing for maybe 40 minutes at most doing this.  By the time I sat back down, I was sweating, very weak and actually shaking from the effort.  How sad is that?!


So yeah, my inability to do much of anything is really stressing me out.  Every time I try to do something I realise I have literally no energy, and I end up even more exhausted. Boo-urns.

I want to be able to do things again. I want to not ache all the time.  I want to not get exhausted just by walking to fucking bay street!  Or sitting in a Second Cup for an hour. Blarg.

Today of course I'm planning to sleep.  Like, most of the day.  I walked around the Royal Winter Fair with Chris for 4.5 hours yesterday.  Then we went to a friend's place to hang out last night when I was already feverish with exhaustion.  My body is going to make me pay for that outing.  I knew it would when I did it.  But sometimes you just need time with people.  So oh well.

I have to go get the laundry at 10:10am because Chris has an appointment with a personal trainer at 10:30 and can't do it.  Yet I'm do fucking exhausted right now I want to go back to sleep.  Pathetic.  That's what I am.  Fucking pathetic.  UGH.

Friday, November 5, 2010


I had a nap today. While listening to an audiobook even.  I started feeling heavy, sore absolutely everywhere. It hurt so bad. Like sinking into a vat of mild acid or something... And then darkness. I woke up when my phone bugged me to take meds, but was still too tired, so I stopped it and didn't take my meds.  They're for pain, but I HAVE to take them with food. I'm heating up something for lunch, I'll take them then.

When I did finally wake up... I realised why I didn't want to make up. Realised why I let myself fall into painful sleep.  Besides the fact that I didn't sleep well last night and woke up too fucking early for what little sleep I got.... I'm depressed.  I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Hide from everything.

I've got a child inside that loves Christmas more than anything else in the world. Because everyone smiles. Everyone comes home. Our home feels like the centre of the world. Hugs abound. Laughter. Yummy cookies before dinner!  Yummy turkey! Dinner with more than the three of us! Krokono (or however it's spelled) came out! We all played, no matter how bad we were. Family. Family all around. Talking all at once. Laughing.  The older I got the more the giving of presents has become important. Being able to give my parents back something. Being able to make them smile.  Still the kid. Still seeking approval. Their joy became everything.  Eating breakfast together. Roppie Pie... mmmm.. All the roppie pie I could eat!  Yeah, Christmas time was great.

Christmas hasn't really been like that in some time though.  There's fewer of us.  Most of mom's kids just don't visit.  They have grandbabies of their own now, now THEY are the ones being visited. A few still come, maybe three of the 7 or so that used to.  They don't stay long, but it's still very nice to see them.  Uncle Don is more quiet, less likely to smile now that his wife isn't here with us anymore.  But he comes.  There's no more krokono.  Everyone just lost interest I guess.  Aunt Gladis, uncle Don's wife would always play.  It would her, Pa, and Uncle Don beckoning someone to come play with them, but with just the two men... it wasn't the same.  But there was still smiles. Still laughter.  Still family.  Still goodies, and gifts, and yummy food my mommy made.  When I actually had money, and a life of my own, being able to shower my parents with gifts they way they always did me, was the greatest joy.  Their surprise.  Their joy.  They didn't always love what I got them, but they were grateful. That's how they raised me to be too.  They knew how much it meant to be, to be able to give to them.  I miss that sooo much.

As of last year, my Christmas was not my own. I was part of a couple.  Now I'm married.  I have obligations to both families.  We don't drive.  It's at the very least an hour and a half between them.  Because of transit, it takes as long to get to his parents from our home in Toronto, as it does to get to my parents. And the time to get from one to the other is about the same as that as well.  If we don't start at one of our parents house then we're going to end up spending six hours traveling Christmas day, and barely an hour or two with either family.  And then boxing day, instead of resting, we have to spend it with his extended family.  It's just not fair. His family always ends up weaseling more time out of us.  And we always end up leaving feeling depressed.  His family means well I'm sure but the constant barrage of questions and remarks that clearly say, "Why aren't you living like us? Why aren't you living up to our expectations? What's wrong with you? (and just for me: Why aren't you soldiering through, it's not that bad? Why aren't you working? Why aren't you in school?)"  It leaves us exhausted, grumpy, and at least me, sad.  I do not look forward to any of that.

Chris said we don't have to spend Christmas together. Lots of couples don't. We could go to our respective parents.  Yeah, cause that's just what I want to do. I want to abandon him.  I want to spend my once favourite holiday away from him. This is not what I want.

But I can't seem to figure it any way that will work.  My parents no longer have a spare bedroom.  Or, rather, I no longer have a bed there.  My Aunt Barb is planning on staying at my parents a few days before Christmas. That means she'll be sleeping on the couch or on the air mattress on the floor in the living room.  There would be no room for us if we wanted to sleep there. Just, literally, no room.  I so do NOT want to sleep at Chris' parents.  They're nice enough and all, but I would be so so so uncomfortable there. I wouldn't sleep a wink. I'd be sick and feverish the whole day as a result.  No, no, we can't do that.  So what?  We sleep at home and get up at 6am to catch the 7:30am bus to get to my parents by 9am... so we can get started on making/helping my mom make dinner.  Because I don't want her doing everything by herself this year. It's too much. I'm not a bad cook.  If she directs, I'm sure it will be fine.  Though I don't see why we'd need to get started at 9am.  I tried to tell Chris there was no way we were getting mom to not cook the turkey.  She's just going to do it, and we won't even know she has until we smell it cooking hours later (if we were to stay over).  We so don't need to start the veggies and such at 9am! pft!  Mom will bake the pies a few days before... I'm thinking I might come home and ask if I can help. Hell, I'll ask for lessons!  I'm terrible at pie crust rolling.  I wanna do it with her cheering/instructing.  She can peel and cut the apples.  Show me how much to add. I've never done it!  I want to help. I really do.  If I make it like she's doing ME a favor, she'll be more likely to let me in.  Especially if I'm there in the morning and ready.  So, we'll see, THAT might work.  *Sigh*  but then we still have to see his parents.... which would mean leaving before dinner was done, very likely. Or just after. And then staying late at his parents WAY past my bedtime like we did last year.  I was hoping we could invite Chris' parents to my parents.  That was HIS idea. It's a good idea. But that means a ton of people at my mom's house. If I'm not there to make sure she isn't doing too much I'll worry.  Like really worry.  And Chris will guilt me into being even more worried.  So yeah...

Christmas is now just a fucking nightmare and I want to hide under the covers and pretend I don't exist -- my standard response when things make me this sad and I feel just as helpless, just as useless as I do now to make anything at all better.

I mean, I have fibro.  I AM useless. And everyone around me knows it.  My mom worries I'll do too much, and does for me.  Chris worries I'll wear myself out and doesn't let me help even when I'm up and around.  I'm like morbidly obese, icky eye candy or something.  Not even good for looking at, but that's all I'm good for... =/

Hunger & Fibro

There's something seriously wrong with me.

Well, duh, right?  But I keep thinking/saying this. To myself, and to Chris.  I know I have fibromyalgia, but admitting all the ways that it fucks with me is really hard.

I get tired so easy now, and not just a little tired, but like, bone weary, wear the ache just seems to go all the way through me.  I hurt for no reason, and for me is, so very very frustrating.  I still say things like, "why do I hurt?  There's no reason for it damnit. I haven't done anything."  And Chris will respond, "You have fibromyalgia, that's why."  I know logically, that's all the explanation there is.  That's fibro's main symptoms.  And yet.  I still feel.....angry... frustrated...

The same damn thing seems to happen with hunger that does with other pain/touch responses.  My fibromyalgia actually heightens my sensitivity. Like I fucking need that!  Hello, fat chick here! And yet... for the past week now I've not been sleeping well, why?  Because I've been going to be a little hungry, I mean, eating just before bed is a bad idea right?  So I wake up at like 4am, 5am, 6am (today I'm lucky it was this late), and I'm starving.  I'm not just normal hungry.  I'm so hungry I'm curled up in a ball of pain as my stomach growls, and clenches, and it feels like the hunger is burning all the way up my throat. I've tried ignoring it.  All that happens is I lay there awake, for three hours, in pain so bad I want to cry or scream, waiting for Chris to get up, waiting for it to be a reasonable hour, so I can finally EAT something.

I do not like this pattern.  I don't know what the fuck started it.  I don't know why my stomach is suddenly so very very needy.  I've had acid reflux issues on and off over the past few years.  I think it's hereditary.  My mom (aka grandma) has it, and so does at least 2 of her children.  I also had antibiotics chewing through my belly, and fucking up my sleep patterns for the past week as well.  So I'm taking Nexium at bedtime, for the acid reflux.  I'm hoping it will eventually help.  3 days in, and the pain in my throat isn't as bad, but it's not better. I'm hoping that means I'm healing, slowly.  If things don't improve pain-wise in like a week or so, I have to give it time to work afte rall, then i'm going to bug my doctor.

What I'm really worried what has happened though, with all my meds, and the weird times I've ended up taking them, and almost all of them require food, or to be taken with food... that I've been eating at odd hours, and eating more than I normally would in some cases.... is that I've managed to stretch my stomach out even further. In less than a fucking week... Because I've noticed for the past three days or so, when I wake up hungry, it takes a lot more than it used to, for me to feel full, for me to not hurt from hunger even.  Like, two pieces of toast just don't do it.  That's a good breakfast damnit. There have been many times in the past where I couldn't even finish that! Now... Now I eat that and my tummy still hurts until I have like some yogurt and an apple, or two.  This is just ridiculous.

I know how to shrink my tummy. It's just will power and suffering really. You stop eating so much. And in 3 to 10 times as long as it took to stretch, your tummy will, eventually go back to normal.  I'm not big on suffering, as you might imagine.  I'm so not looking forward to this.  I'm not even sure I have the bleeding will power. I mean, I can't fucking sleep! I'm too damn hungry to sleep.  This is fucking insane. Grr! I hate my body.  But I know I need to try. Even for me this is excessive.  And I don't like it.

The hypochondriac in me is wondering if I have an ulcer, or some other real kind of stomach issue that would cause this much freaking pain.  But realistically, I'm pretty sure it's just my fibro finding yet another way to fuck with me. *sigh*