Saturday, December 27, 2008

Melisande D'Angecoeur Or Grey Sky Story (working title)

Presber County, Dillon Farm

It was a cold, dreary, sunless morning in late November. Heavy, laden clouds hung low in the sky, threatening the storm they promised. Under this blanket of grey sat the Dillon's farm on soft, rolling, hills dotted with trees. The hills were nothing more than raw brown earth this time of year. The trees were barren, save for a few stubborn leaves clinging desperately to the empty branches. The farmhouse and barns could be seen in the distance, clustered together on a hill, as if they too knew a storm was coming. The fields lay empty, having born their crops long since, all but one that is, the goosenberries had yet to come in. Rows of bushes sill holding onto their now dull, green, waxy leaves held clusters of fully ripe, burgundy and bright green coloured berries. The expanse of bushes crossed the road that ran through the Dillon farm and continued for almost a full acre.

Since she was eleven, Melisande had been in charge of the collection of goosenberries. She had a nose for frost. The berries were sweetest when brought in after the first light frost, but before any real freeze hit them. In this part of the country frost and freezing followed close behind each other. Hers was a knack that made a pretty profit, as goosenberries were in high demand for the Winter Festival that was but a short week away. Goosenberry pie on the first night of the festival was a well-coveted treat and was paid dearly for.

Ever practical, Melisande preferred warm to 'lady-like'. So today, like many days, she did not look like a lady. It was a constant battle between her and her mother to get her to act and dress more like a young lady should. Stubborn, and willful Melisande often won. Besides, what did it matter what she wore when she was out in the fields; who was there to see her other than her family and their workers. Today she wore a thick, steel blue, wool sweater two sizes too big, over a simple deeper blue dress. Her skirts were hiked up to keep them from the mud, showing her thick wool pants beneath. Her long chestnut brown hair was loosely braided, and half-hidden under her sea blue toque. She wore fingerless wool gloves and rubber boots just like the rest of the workers, and her family. They were all out in the field today. They needed to get the crop is as fast as they could or they would loose it.

Melisande stood in row of goosenberry bushes, knife in one hand, berry cluster held gingerly in the other. One quick snip and the berries were in her hand. Quickly but gently she placed them in the half-full basket hanging from her wrist. She looked up along the row of bushes at the workers briskly cutting clusters and transferring them to awaiting baskets. Her eyes went to the sky. She whispered a quick prayer to Fria, goddess of nature, to hold off on her storm until tonight. Melisande only hopped there would be enough time. Her breathe was white in front of her, but her layers of wool kept her warm, save for her hands. Her fingers were almost numb from the cold, but the action was automatic now, she'd been doing this for 6 seasons. Hold, cut fast, release softly, repeat.

Note: I've been trying to get this right for, oh more tha ten years now, and I've never found a way to explain they grey dreary scene I saw in my head. This, this is an attempt I actually like. I'm tickled pink, so to speak. And I'm hoping I can make a story of it.

Depressing Rant for a Depressing Rainy day

Why is it that people that don't even know me, that know almost nothing about me, presume to know what I should do, what's best for me, what I'm going wrong, etc, etc???

I've been sullen and miserable for the past 24 hours, and other than being made fun of for something I can't control, that's been the major cuase of my woes. I feel belitted, uesless (at least in their eyes), broken, and plain just not good enough.

Who the fuck are they to decide I'm not good enough! Do they even know me?! No. No they do not.

Why is there something automatically wrong with me because I don't want to drive, because I don't want to work as a civil engineer?? I'm not sure I could, truthfully, but more importantly I don't want to! I've only seen a peek of that world, but I'm really not interested.

Who the fuck are they to tell me what I should do!?! *growl*

But I can't shake this feeling. This knot in my stomach, this deep ache that they think I'm not good enough, that they think I'm useless, and that he could do better. I wish it didn't matter. I know I shouldn't really care. But I can't help caring a little. I know it doesn't matter right this minute to him, but I can't help but worry he's going to agree with them one day soon. That he too will get fed up with me, that he'll come to think they are right, and leave me. :(

I want to shake it. Part of me knows it's silly. But I can't help feeling low. I can't help worrying. *sigh* I've been unemployed for two years now. I feel useless and hopeless enough without people passing judgement on me. Fuckers. Who are they to pass judgement, who are they to say damnit. They don't know me. They don't know what it's like for me. They haven't a clue about my life. Their opinions shouldn't hold any weight...except they are his people, and it hurts. :(

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Merry Christmas! Let's Bake!

So I haven't posted in forever about all the lovely stuff I've made (both knitting and baking), but today isn't the day either. I'm just about to head off to my parents for a few days, and I really want to be able to leave before 3pm. I'm gussing it's going to be an unfun drive anyway. Wet snow. Our second snowfall, and everyone seems to have fogotten how to drive in the snow. doh.

It's the Christmas season, the big day is fast approching, and I'm no closer to having gifts for the ones I love than I was, oh, this time last month. doh. I've decided some people will be getting baking, but I've yet to actually do the baking. I'm actually taking the ingredients to my parents to bake them there! Deadlines and all.

I joined a cookie swap this year, so by next monday I need to make 108 cookies! GAH. Wish me luck! I'm hoping I have time to make them Friday/Saturday/Monday. Somewhere in there anyway. Frig, I haven't even made a test batch yet! I have no idea if they will even be acceptable!

The crazy thing is, of course, is that I'll be getting almost as many cookies back as I give!! Gah. I don't know what I'll do with that many cookies. I think I will re-gift some of them to a friend with kids who doesn't bake. Hopefully she'll appreciate them, or at least her kids and husband might. Some I know we'll eat... The rest? Well... Maybe Chris can take them to work.... Or I'll have to find a local shelter that's willing to accept home-baked cookies... Do they even do that? I have no idea.

We have a tiny christmas tree on the table/desk here that I bought cause I needed something. Right now it has ghetto decorations of shiny candy wrappers since I couldn't find any bulbs the right size that I liked in the least. It doesn't really feel like Christmas here at all. That makes me a little sad. It's also totally not motivating me to get my Christmas shit together.

I got my Pa a little something, but it's something I know he'll like and use for once, so it's a small victory there. I decided to knit my mom a sweater because I looked all over the place and I couldn't find any that I really liked, and most of the ones that were just 'okay' were $70 plus! Well I can knit one for that price! One I'll love and I think she'll like and will last her a long time! So that's what I'm doing. *nods*

I've decided Chris needs to buy/decide on gifts for his family. It doesn't work out so well when I get involved. But he's yet to decide. I really hate leaving shit like this to the last minute! It stresses me out. I love the man, but he's terrible about the timely gift-buying thing. He's a man, blah blah blah. I don't care, that's no excuse! Half these gifts have a damn long way to go, it's important they get there on time. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it, but it bothers the fuck out of me, which is why I keep mentioning it, and have done since the end of November. And I really can't just be "whatever", it freaking reflects on me too, and I'm not like that damnit! It's the 9th, and it's KILLING ME all my shopping isn't done. I can't enjoy the season with shit like that hanging over me. Which I guess is what I should say instead of "we, you really need to decided what to get your family", because that obviously isn't helping the situation. Sutble doesn't work with men... though I didn't realise I was being at all subtle. damnit.

Anyway! I'm poor, most people are getting very modest gifts... In fact, I think most will end up getting baking - that I have a say in... I've stopped buying for friend's kids a year or more ago, because I have no money. I couldn't, and still can't afford it damnit. Not like they miss it with the shitload of crap their parents buy them.

I don't feel like I'm doing enough for my parents though. My mommy gave me money; she said "it's not a lot", but for me it's more money than has come my way in a long ass time. I feel bad because I can't return the favor in kind. She knows I don't have a job or any money as a result, which is probably why she gave me the money, so I could buy myself the things I want but can't realy afford. Trouble is, it's been really hard to spend the money. There isn't all that much that's gift-worthy that I want. I've been told I'm not allowed to ask for a nice frying pan or a knife that will actually cute tomatoes for Christmas.. But really.. those two things are top of my list of wants/needs. I can live without the frying pan, but we really shouldn't be eating the non-stick coating like we are now. I can also live without the knife, but it's driving me fucking batty trying to saw through tomatoes with the dull knifes we have now. *sigh* I have bought some lovely body butter, a needle case, some knitting books and such. But I still have a good chunk of the money left. I kinda really need to get my hair cut and coloured, so I'm thinking of using it for that.... We'll see.

Okay, I really need to get ready now. Babbling must cease. Merry Chrsitmas! I hope everyone isn't as stressed out about it all as I am! Bleck. I hate the stress. I like the part that comes after... Damnit. And that's usually where I am by this time.... damnit.. oh well.