Friday, September 25, 2009

Decisions, Decisions.

I apparently can't make decisions. Of any kind really.

I've been thinking of joining a gym for some time. In the hopes that I'd, you know, actually go and get more fit. I've only looked at two. I'm not sure how many people normally look at, but there are four on my list. I've seen the high end and the low end. And I've fallen in love with the high end.

The JCC at Spadina and Bloor, is the high end. And let me tell you, you do get what you pay for. It's really lovely. Clean. Well maintained. Lots of employees around to be helpful. They have a salt water pool! I could not be more excited about that. No contracts. No cancellation fee. Well loved personal trainers - 5 of the 9 they employ were in session when I was there, on a weekday morning! The change room facilities are gorgeous. Sauna, steam room, whirlpool, shanzy vanity stations with complimentary hair dryers.

But do I really need all that? No, I don't. I do believe there is going to come a point where a personal trainer could be really useful. Only one of the other places I'm looking at is likely to have actual personal trainers, and they don't have a pool.

I have bad knees and bad joints. when I'm in too much pain to do other things, I can swim in the pool with a lot less pain. So a pool is really important to me.

Part of me wants to look at the other pooled option I've been considering and then decide. The second pool options is $20 less a month. It's worth looking into really. Though, another part of me just wants to join the JCC's gym and be done with it.

Why can't I make a decision? What's wrong with me?!

I'm having the same troubles with the wedding stuff. I just cannot make any decisions.

Perhaps my biggest issue with all of this is, I'm a freaking princess and I know what I want, but I'm having a lot of trouble with the price tags associated with it all. If I was working and it was my own money I think I'd find it easier. But it's not my money. I'm a useless bum leaching off of my fiancee. I hate being a burden. I worry these kinds of decisions will result in my being an even bigger burden.

Though, to be fair, on the wedding front, I am trying to wage a war against my inner princess. There is only some much princess-ness I can take before I snap. Yet the pretty options call to me. I'm having a hard time giving up on options I really like. But I don't like their price tags, so.. yeah. I can't decide. And Chris is staying out of it entirely. I'm not sure if that's a safety mechanism for him, or if he just doesn't care, or what. But the lack of input bothers me.

You know, I told him I was going to make a minestrone soup. I read him the ingredients. I asked him if that sounded good. He said yes. He even said he didn't think zucchini should be in the soup, so I left them out. Two days after I've made it, I ask him how he likes it. He tells me minestrone is his least favourite soup. It's a miracle of good cooking he's willingly eating it at all. When I ask him why he didn't say something before I made it, he tells me I never told him!! *head-desks*

Understandably I'm really worried the same thing is going to happen with the wedding. I'm going to make decisions/suggestions, he's going to say "yes" without actually listening to me, and then he's going to "find out" the day of and be disappointed/upset with me. *sigh* It's our wedding. It's important to me it represent both of us damnit, and that he is happy with it too. I just don't know how to make that happen. :(

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Pissed the fuck off (RANT)

I don't know if I can handle this.... Being lecutred for the rest of my life, every time I have a reaction that isn't up to his standards?!?! I don't think I can do it. I'm sooooooooo pissed off, and it's the second time in two days.

Fuck a duck.

I don't think I can live like this. First he lectures me about the crazy Christian zealots and now this. Fuck. Apparently "I have no right" to get "pissy" that Rogers is being sleezy, and changing their fees, effectively charging their customers more for the same damn service. I think it's low, but because 'the market will bear it', I'm not allowed to be upset?!

What the fuck.

If we were talking about something he cares about it would be a different fucking story. When I'm the one saying, well this is how things are, he gets all fucking pissy at me. But I'm not allowed the same reaction apparently. Apparently when I do it, it's wrong, and I'm being irrational.

Try explaining that there are different standards of dress for men and women. And if you don't follow them, as a woman, things will be much harder for you, and you may never get ahead in the business world. Try saying well sexism is 'just the way it is'. Try saying that women being abused is 'just the way it is'. People still get in and stay in abusive relationships. "The market will bear it". Obviously there's nothing to get upset about. Women "allow" themselves to be seen as meat, right??

Yeah, he'd have a fucking field day. (Note: I do not believe abuse is okay, but I'm trying to make a point. The standards of dress thing was a real arguement, however.)

But when I say something is out of wack and I don't like it, I get the "that's the way it is, there is no point in getting upset about it" lecture, that goes on and on and on. And after I tell him I don't appreciate being lectured, he lectures me again about how I shouldn't get upset about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That the lecture is my own fault!!?!

I can't take this. I just can't take this.

And there is spanakopita makings in the fridge. :( If I leave now, to go to my parents, it will be ruined. I hate wasting food. But I also do not want to be here right now. I'm too pissed the fuck off. Gods damn double standard. What the fuck. I just hate being lectured. I hate it.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

To Clarify..

I still very much want to marry Chris. I love him dearly. I want to keep him forever and ever.

I was just so disgusted with everything the idea of marriage itself was totally unappealing. That's fair, right?

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I tried to "think outside the box" in terms of venues for the wedding ceremony, and realised I just can't do it. All the places that appealled to me are places that normally do weddings. I fail.

Still, having the wedding somewhere, and doing lunch, but not a reception could work. Telling anyone it's a wedding reception adds 40% or more onto the cost. I don't want special treatment anyway. I just want to make a lunch reservation somewhere for a group of 35 adults and 5 children. I want to be able to bring a cake. I'll cut it myself, they just need to bring me a knife and plates. That's simple; restaurants do that all the time for birthdays.

I'm wondering now if I'll even need two layers of cake. Perhaps one will be enough. I'd like two, partly to show off, partly to learn how. But.. again, we'll see.

Gah. Weddings. I want to kill my inner princess. I really do. But I can't seem to even control her. Bah! Bah, I say.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I hate weddings.

I really do hate weddings. Hate. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate weddings.

I'm really seriously considering just saying, "fuck it", to ALL of it and eloping. We can take our parents out to dinner at some point afterwards, and that's that.

I refuse to spend $10,000 on a wedding, hell, I can't even, in good conscience, spend more than $6000. I refuse to go into debt to pay for the wedding. I refuse to have others tell me (us) how to run our wedding, so funding isn't really an option here. And I can't figure out how to do it for less.

There are certain things I really want for the wedding - things I just can't compromise on. It's all or nothing for me. Going half-assed would be just as disappointing and frustrating as not doing it at all. More even really.

Engagement ring. Wedding bands. Red taffeta dress and red runners. Having my hair done. New suit for Chris (he doesn't own one). NOT getting married in a church. Getting married somewhere pretty, preferably outside. Having my loved ones at the wedding. My mom seeing me get married, especially. Making the wedding cake myself. Getting a chauffeured car (I am NOT taking public transit, nor depending on anyone to give me a ride). Having professional pictures taken.

But to do all that really means having a reception. Chris wants a reception. It's the only want he's really expressed. It's the only part I've really wanted to avoid. Having a reception means money. Lots of money. Receptions are money and life suckers. Gods I hate them. They make me realise why I hate weddings all over again.

I just can't figure out how to do all this without spending an atrocious amount of money. And when I think about what it would really cost it sickens me. The excess. The waste. And for what? All this hoopla and what do we really have to show for it at the end of the day?! It just all seems like too fucking much.

I'm torn. I'm really honestly torn.

I feel like I'm getting sucked in by the wedding void. It's a snowball taking me down the hill into hell. (Mixed metaphors, I know. I'm angry. Deal.) One thing leads to another and before you know it, you're 12 grand in the whole!

I don't want that! I really really don't want that, damnit.

But at the same time it breaks my freaking heart to think of getting married and NOT having my mommy there.

So I don't know what to do damnit. I just.. I don't know what to do.

If I could just figure out where to get married --- that wasn't going to cost me $2000 in rental fees, then we could just fudge the reception as brunch at some restraint. I'd just make reservations for a large group, and we'd eat with everyone else. There is only going to be 40 of us. A big enough restaurant wouldn't have an issue with that. It's doable.

But where the fuck could I hold the wedding? I really do want the pretty red dress. I don't think I could compromise on that one. I just.. I can't. I want the dress. So the location has to match. I'm not getting married in some community gym. It just wouldn't do. It wouldn't do at all. I'm just too spoiled for that. So where does that leave me?!?!

Fucking weddings. I hate weddings. I really really do. I don't even want to get married right now. I'm just so disgusted with the whole fucking thing.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Yup, that's right folks, we're engaged. Chris asked me to marry him the Sunday before last, and I, of course, said yes.

Sadly, there is no story to tell. I vaguely remember the first and last sentences he said. He started with, "I know we haven't discussed marriage yet..." And my brain went into hyperventilation overdrive thinking: Oh gods. Oh gods. He's going to ask me to marry him, isn't he? Isn't he?? Oh gods. So everything is a blur. Oops. He did end with something about not having a ring, but that we could get one.

I'm really rather hoping we go through with that. I know it's cliché, and likely not feminist of me, but I really do want a pretty ring. It doesn't have to be the traditional diamond. But I want a ring. I think this whole thing will seem more real to me with a ring on my finger.

One of my best friends, Sabrina, had her engagement, and wedding bands made by some custom jeweler. He did a lovely job. I really like their rings. So I've asked her for his info. Hopefully we can at least get my engagement ring from him. I'm thinking I want either something with a lab-created ruby or a black freshwater pearl. I really can't decide. Whether or not this jeweler can get lab-created rubies will likely help me decide. Though I hope he can, as I think I'm kinda leaning towards the ruby.

So wedding. There is going to be a wedding. My first thought when Chris asked me, after the initial shock, was: "Oh gods. I have to plan a wedding." Thankfully, with Sabrina and Angie both married, I've given some thought to what I want for my wedding.

First things first, I want a small wedding. As small as I can possibly manage it. Family only, and even then, not very much of my family. My grandparents, who raised me, have ten children. Just inviting them and their spouses would be bigger than I want to go. So I've decided to only invite a few, and no cousins. Sabrina, Angie and Neda are invited, but they are family to me. I've known them all for twenty years now. Gods, how the time flies!

Secondly, I want to get married in a red taffeta dress. Preferably with red running shoes underneath so I can be comfy. I've never much cared for wedding dresses. At my size I think I'd look frightening in a white, lacy, beaded monstrosity. A big blindingly white blimp. No thank you. I'd much rather be a red blimp. Also, I'm not a virgin!! I've been living with Chris in a tiny bachelor's apartment for a year now, and dating him for three. Honestly. I have no desire to pretend I'm something I'm not. And I look good in red, damnit. It must be taffeta, it's one of the prettiest fabrics I've ever seen. Besides, when am I ever going to get another chance to wear it?

Third, I don't want to get married in a church. Chris and I are both atheists. I would not feel comfortable in a church. It just smacks of too much wrong for me.

The reception has always been a hard point for me when thinking about getting married. On the one hand I don't want hoopla, on the other, I do want to share the occasion and the day with my family. So Chris and I have decided on a daytime wedding, meaning we'll have the ceremony in the morning, directly followed by a lunch reception. This I think, will suit ours and our families needs best.

One of the hardest parts for me is convincing my oldest friends I don't want hoopla. They can't seem to understand it. I've had enough hoopla to last me a lifetime with Angie and Sabrina's weddings. I don't want hoopla. I don't want to put them or my family or myself through that.

No Engagement Party, no bridal shower, no stag & doe, no bachelorette night, none of that hoopla. It's just too much. Heck, I'm not even having a 'wedding party'. I don't want a maid of honour, bridesmaids, groomsmen, a flower girl, a ring bearer - the list goes on. It's all just too much.

I don't want any of that. I don't want to deal with it and all the stress that goes along with it. I just want to get married and have the people I love most there to see it happen. That's it.

I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize, as they say, while I plan this. I really don't want hoopla. I have to watch myself and not get suckered into it.