Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Had some bad dreams last night. One where this kinda cute(but SOOOOO not my type) very short woman was pushing herself on me. In front of Neda even.. I tried to stop her, didn't work. Tried to ignore her, she just kept trying. Finally I gave in a little, touched her, kissed her, but in the back of my mind and in the pit of my stomach I knew it was wrong. I just couldn't for the life of me remember/think of why this was such a bad idea. Then she said to me, something like, "I bet your boyfriend would love to hear about this," half snarky, half casual.

My heart fell. Right into the pit of screaming 'this is wrong!!' that was my stomach. Without thinking I stood up, knocking her off my lap and onto the floor. I was shaking so bad it took what felt like forever to get my shirt back on (we three were alone in my room but not in the house, and I needed to get away from them, I needed to vomit too frankly). Neda looked all confused, asked what was wrong with me. All I could see was visions of telling Chris what I'd done, or worse - of his finding out, of his hurt, of losing him. I was so distraught I could barely speak. I grabbed Neda by the shoulders, to get her attention I think, and shook her - more a result of my own violent shaking - saying, "Chris! Chris!". That was all I could say.

Suddenly, or at least it is sudden in my memory, the scene shifted. I was in some kind of open public space, almost like an PATH food court in Toronto. Only I was laying on a bare mattress, my pants undone - no idea why. To my right was another bare mattress, with a late 20s man laying on it. To my left was a round table, with many people sitting around it. I'm pretty sure they were all my friends, I recognized at least Will.

The guy on the other mattress rolled onto mine and started talking to me. He mention something about my pants, I looked down and they were open - I was shocked, I hadn't known! I went to do them up, and he tried to stop me, put his hands on me. I was nice and asked him as polite as I could, to stop touching me. He just sneered at me and made his touch somehow lewd. I got angry. I grabbed him by the collar/front of his shirt, pulled his face close to mine - big mistake - and told him, between gritted teeth, to get his hands OFF me. When I tried to push him off me I realised I couldn't. He was fully on top of me, his legs pushing mine open, his hands where they shouldn't be, and that evil sneer inches from my face.

To my own credit, I didn't outwardly panic, I kept my brave face, telling him in a louder more angry voice to get the fuck off me while I tried in vain to get him off. This is when Will and I think Brian turned around and saw us. In a split second they had pulled him off me, saying, you heard her, obviously angry. They threw him in the corner behind the table everyone was sitting at, then got up and went over to kick the shit out of him. Meanwhile, I got up, shaking, to sit with everyone at the table.

Weird ass fucking dreams! And I woke up thinking it was 3:16pm - it was more like 10:07am though - musta still been dreaming. The melancholy of the dreams has totally followed me though.

It also really bothers me that I keep dreaming about being unfaithful! I would never NEVER do that!

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