Thinking Too Much. Again.

I just got the 'you should be making money, not living your dreams, you need income' lecture.

*sigh*

Ironic really since, just this morning I was thinking, that maybe, just maybe I could do what I've always wanted instead of what I was schooled for. I thought it was amusing that I went to school, to secure a career with a steady pay, but since I'm now chronically ill and totally incapable of working full time, I might actually be able peruse what I wanted to.

I've always wanted to write, but I've never liked the insecurity, the knowledge that I may never get paid enough to live one, the knowledge that creative writing won't feed you, and you'll have to have a 'day job' to fall back on, or learn how to be a commercial writer.

My husband just suggested I seek out freelance work to write crappy websites.

I'm ethically against ad farm websites with dubious and badly written content, just on principle; they're sneaky and sleazy.  Besides that, I'm not actually sure I could write that sort of content. What I mean is, I'm not sure I have any writing skills outside of the creative writing field.

There is of course, pay by the story options. Maybe? Someday?

Right now I'm just beginning to learn how to write. I feel like I'm a toddler, trying to pick out a career. I.... I don't feel ready for that?

All I really want right now is to finish my nano story, let it rest a bit, and then attempt editing it. I've never edited anything half so large. I think it will be a huge undertaking and learning experience.

I also really want to read more on the art, the science of writing and editing. Maybe take a course on mystery/suspense writing, and the one on writing for women and selling it - that one is sounding more and more like something I need to learn.

I want to sell my work. I really do. But I'm not even sure right now what kind of stories I'm capable of writing. I don't want to be some literary genius, I just want to write things I'm mostly proud of, things that others will read and enjoy. I'm perfectly happy being the cotton candy of the writing world. I love cotton candy!

It's been almost a year since I took the creative writing course. I haven't accomplished much since then. I haven't done any of the reading I'd hope to. Life has intruded. Also, a deep love affair with the cotton candy of the writing world. I have read so many romance novels! And most of them were yummy. I'm not entirely sure what I learned, except that I really love simple, cheesy, cotton candy romance stories.

My tummy hates me tonight. I'm not at all sure why it's angry like it is. I haven't eaten anything to set it off. But I know how I'm feeling isn't helping. Right now I'm feeling very guilty and worried.

Guilty for being a penniless burden. Guilty for wanting to live my dream instead of trudging to make some amount of money. I want to believe that living my dream, that writing what my soul wants to, would lead to money, but I know it wouldn't do it as fast as if I just sought out freelance work and wrote, gods knows what. Hell, I feel guilty for wanting to write instead of doing other useful things like getting groceries, doing dishes, cleaning our apartment, doing laundry. I can't do both, at least, I can't write mostly full time AND do errands or anything else. Nano has taught me that getting 100 pages in a month means ignoring everything else in my life. I can't keep that up long term, I'd burn our or contract some filth-related disease.

I'm worried my husband is finally starting to understand the burden he's placed on himself (me). Worried that he's worried about money. Worried that he feels the pinch of having a useless wife, and is, understandably blaming me for not helping out. I'm worried that I'm being totally selfish even considering trying to become an author. Being married to an author sucks, authors don't make a lot, but work a lot, and me, I work best at night - he might as well be single. As mentioned above, if I were to take a more serious attempt at being an writer, I'd have to devote time otherwise spent taking care of us. *sigh*

I feel utter selfish for wanting to live a dream. Just because I live with chronic illness, and my life is pain, doesn't mean I'm entitled to anything. As my husband pointed out, he wouldn't be doing what he does if it wasn't for the paycheck. I have no right to expect to like my job, never mind love it. I have no right to peruse something that won't help us financially.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just give up this silly idea, and look for part time work a chronically ill person might be capable of. Clearly, I need to be making money, not living some foolish childhood dream. I'm an adult now. I didn't pick a field I loved in the first place, I picked one I thought would get me a steady pay check. I need to put that goal first again. Just because I'm chronically ill doesn't relieve me of the duty and need to actually support myself. Dreams are for bedtime. Work is for waking hours.

I miss my baby*!!

I really really miss my laptop! I didn't think I'd miss it this much! This is a bit ridiculous! I miss my files! I miss my music! I miss my bookmarks! I miss my keayboard! I miss sitting wherever I damn well please! I miss not having painful dark purple bruises on my thighs from this damn ikea chair!

I want to be sitting on our soft, wonderful bed, curled up in blankets, cuddling my teddy bear, not straining my back, wrists and legs sitting at this table in this chair!

OMG, I want my macbook back! I sure as hell hope they are done with it soon damnit!

It's five days as of Thursday, which it now is. I really hope they call me sometime tomorrow (as in today, but after I sleep), to tell me it's done and I can come and get it!

Patience may be a virtue, but it's not high on my list of priorities right now!


* baby = Macbook

Tallship Photos

Last night I was going through the many photos I took during my two visits to see the Tallships at Toronto's Harbourfront. I edited the ones I liked best into 4x6 pictures so I could have them printed - I thought my parents would get a kick out of seeing them. And I mean, what's the point of pictures really if you don't get them printed?

Although there was 60 pictures I thought I'd print when I started editing, there was somehow, only about 30 when I was done. I do not know how this works, I honestly didn't think I was nixing half so many! There were a few though, that I really, really liked. Enough that I wanted to display them around my home. Until I realised we have no where to display them. We don't have any holes in our walls - we aren't allowed, and we have precious little space for putting things as it is. Then I thought about my Pa, and how he just took over my old bedroom, and has lots of space. I also really wanted to print the pictures in the first place because I thought he specifically would like them.

So... I'm thinking of printing three 5x7s, buying in one of those 3-in-1 frames for them, and gifting them to my Pa. I'm not even totally sure he'd like it... I mean, I don't have any photographic talent. I'm not even sure I have an eye for the finished product. But if I get the frame from the dollar store, then I've not expended too much money if he does't like it; I'll only be risking my feelings. Bah, I'm so emo!

Anyway, my real point in all this, is I can't pick 3! Doh. There are 5 that I really quite like. But I think giving him all 5 might be a bit much.

One


Two


Three


Four


Five


Oddly enough there are only 3 ships represented here, as you can likely tell. Two each are of the Bounty and the Europa. I guess I just really liked the lines of those ships.

I was thinking of having the colour photos on either end of the frame, and picking one of the black and whites to go in the middle. Although I love #1, it's way too close to #3 to work in a 3 picture frame I think. If I did all the B&Ws together, that would look good but I don't think Pa is a B&W fan. So.. it's really down to #2 and #5. I just don't know which I like better/would work better. That is of course unless someone out there has a better idea?? Or should I just nix the whole thing? I feel very......self-conscious about gifting someone photos I took, like my ego is way bigger than it should be. But I really like them, and I think he might like them too. Bah.... Help! Please!

FIFA World Cup 2010

So, I've turned into one of those football fans that only watch during the World Cup. I used to watch Premiere League, but now that I live with Chris... well, we don't have a TV or cable, so it's not so easy to watch.

Anyway, the 2010 world cup has rekindled my love of football, and I've been watching when I can, via the CBC website. I really do love that they are streaming all the games they air, at least when they are airing them live. It's not as good as ESPN and their allowing you to watch the games for like a week, but they don't place nice with Canadians, so whatever. I don't usually want to watch a game once I know the score anyway!

So today I go to CBCs website to see what games they are airing and when today, and see... the awesome-est advertising ever:



*giggles*

So full of fail!

Wedding Planning - Ideas

Catching up on my blog reading today, I managed to follow a link to Etsy and found a flying pigs cake topper!! The pigs were not as cute as I'd like, and were totally the wrong colours for our wedding, but the idea! Oh, how I love the idea! Since I was a kid, I've always said to family and friends that I'd never get married, so the flying pigs just seemed utterly perfect to me.

I was planning on just doing some kind of flower but thing for the top of the cake(s) as I am making them, and I want to keep them as low key/low stress as I can manage.

But now that I have this idea in my head... I don't know if I can get it out. It's just too good.

I went looking for cuter pigs, and found this little guy:

How seriously cute is he?! He's 9cm tall. I'm thinking I could pretty easily make some pink felt wings and sew them on his back. Then, ta da! "Cake Toppers" for $30 (or less I'm hoping!). Though they won't go on the cakes - icing and plushies do not mix! They will go by the cakes on the desert table. With the added bonus that we can give them to my man's two little nephews at the end of the day. :)

Another possibility is that I have a friend who makes cakes semi-professionally. I don't want her to make my cake, mostly because I love to bake, but I'm thinking about perhaps asking her (& paying her, of course) to make two (or 4 if I do two cakes) little gum paste flying pigs when the time comes.

It's late here, and I'm kinda sleep deprived at this point, so I'm not entirely sure if this is a brilliant idea or a horrible idea. I'm hoping it's brilliant because right now I'm totally loving the idea of "when pigs fly".

Halloween Pictures!

As I've mentioned, Chris and I were Lucy, Daughter of the Devil, and her dad Satan. I was, of course Lucy, and Chris Satan. It was my idea, so I bought what we needed, and even helped Chris get his horns glued on.


Chris gluing on his horns.


Here's my waiting for Chris to be done - my costume was a lot less involved.


Chris and I together, before we went out for the night.

It was really warm at the apartment party we went to, so unfortunately Chris' horns did not stay glued on. I think it was the conbination of sweaty skin, and heavy horns that did it. If we do horns again, I'm leaving them/making sure I get them on thin stretchy cord so we don't have to glue them anywhere.

Chris got lots of attention; everyone was so impressed with his make-up. And likely the beard - apparently it itched like crazy, poor man! He bore it like a trooper though. All in all we had a fun time, but I think next year we need to have less involved (no face paint), and cooler (man was it hot in there!) costumes. Live and learn I guess!

I also made pumpkine cheesecake squares for the occasion, which, I'm only realising now, I never got any pictures of! *gasp* I guess I'll just have to make it again sometime? ;) They really were quite yummy. Though, I think if I make it again, I'll make it in pie or cake form, it really was too met and mushy to be proper squares, good though! So good. Everyone liked them. :D

Halloween Prep

In preparation for Halloween, I decided to add another coat of red coloured hair spray to my wig - I couldn't find a red wig the right length, so I had to buy a white one in the right cut, and colour it red. Damn annoying process I tell you what! Next time I think I'd just get a red wig and try to do something with the cut.. Live and learn.

I also tried out Chris' makeup. We're going as Lucy (Daughter of the Devil) and Satan. If you've never seen Lucy, Daughter of the Devil, then you need to get your hands on a copy and watch it! So funny. So good.

Anyway, this is Lucy, and her dad, Satan:




As you can see, Satan is red. So I got my man some red face paint. It's theatrical grade, cause that's how I roll. There will also be lots left over. I'm thinking we may need to go as oompaloomas next year, or somethimg. The makeup covers really well, and washes off with just soap and water - thank goodness.



I amused myself greatly with it. Look at how red! I glowed in the flash, I've no idea why, I didn't really glow in person, thank the gods. But yeah, way red. And it didn't bug my skin, which is good, so hopefully it won't bother Chris' either.

I can't wait for the Halloween party! It's going to be fun!! :)

Gourds!

I like the idea of Sunday sweets.. Or at least, picking a day and posting pretty picture(s). Though I'm not sure if I can be silent as well. Perhaps I'll just just not saying much?

I love fall, I love the little gourds you can buy at grocery stores. I've started a little 'tradition' of sorts, buying myself a wee basket full, so I can enjoy them all October. This year I even got mini-corn! so cute!

Anyway, on to my gourds!





Wee little pumpkins that fit in the palm of my hand! I coudln't resist! Squee!

Chocolate

I'm feeling low. It's cold and miserable outside, my knees are screaming at me for making them do so many sets of stairs and January is looming like a great dark cloud over me.

January is the three year anniversary of being laid-off, the last time I worked a real, full-time job. I've worked a bit of part-time retail here and there, but that's it. I don't consider the retail work, "real" jobs. They don't pay enough to keep a dog alive, never mind an adult human. I really regret working the retail in fact. If it wasn't for that, I may still have half-way decent feet. Instead mine are a fucking mess and it's directly a result of working retail. But it's January that looms. Three years in a long time.

I feel so useless; so utterly hopeless. Who's going to hire me with a three year gap in my resume?! Even if the economy wasn't shaky, that's damn odd. But I can't change it. I haven't worked in three years. And I feel fucking useless. Totally and completely fucked. I couldn't even get a job as a secretary. I've tried. No one was interested. No one but PT retail has shown any interest in three fucking years, and the only reason they were interested is because they are desperate for employees. Turnover rates in retail are high - the work is hell and the pay is crap.

I know what I want to do. I know what my dream job would be. And I know there isn't a fucking hope in hell I'll ever get the chance to do it. I don't feel qualified. I know, with a little training I could do it with ease, it's what I'm good at. But I don't even know if the job truly exists.... most people I know that have or have had that kind of job are not only the 'architect', but the 'builder' as well. I'm not technical enough for that. I couldn't build software to save my life. I am not a programmer. I doubt I'll ever be. I don't have the education, or the inclination. I'm not good with languages of any kind damnit. But I'm pretty good with people, and I'm good with documents. Hell, I'm even not bad ad debugging. But writing code? No, I can't do that. Perhaps someday, but it's honestly not likely. So I don't see how I'm going to make it as a business analyst.

Perhaps I should just give up, and try becoming... what? what can I do?! Secretary work?? I don't know if I could do that again. Too many memories of my coworkers and boss laughing at me fill my head when I think of that. I still haven't gotten over that. I don't know as I ever will.

Here I am moaning, when I meant to not think about all this. But I guess some things just can't be silenced. It weighs on me. I just don't know what to do. I feel so utterly hopeless, useless, and helpless to make any change or difference in my circumstances.

So much for having a degree. Useless fucking piece of paper. :(

Anyway. Better thoughts. There's fuck all I can do about it right now. I'm only going to make myself more upset thinking about it.

Chocolate. Did I write about Valentines day this year?? I really can't remember if I did. Chris bought me chocolates. He took me to this posh little place in Yorkville where he'd gotten me chocolate the Christmas before last. Yes, it was that good that I'd remembered and asked him to take me there again and again. I think he was saving it for Valentines day. I'm not big on the holiday, but I am big on chocolate. Ooo, what pretty things they have! And having tasted their chocolate bars I was eager to taste them. So eager I scarfed one down before I even thought to take a picture of the pretty chocolates when I got them home!



I then re-wrapped their box, so I could have a record of just how pretty they were wrapped. The gold box was very sturdy, and oh so pretty. The ribbon even has their name on it. Real ribbon. Not that fake plastic stuff. We did get them in Yorkville afterall. heh.



How pretty is that? And they were good too, I should add, the chocolates, that is. So yummy. The ones with the stripes had a vaugely limed flavour, they were refreshing. The ones with the coffee bean imprints had a bit of coffee flavour. I can't for the life of me remember what the ones with the round, uplifted circle on the tops were. I think the ones with the "the" written on them (only one is left in the picture above as I started with that one), was my favourite. Pure, sweet, but not too sweet, yummy chocolatey goodness, if I recall correctly. I enjoyed them though, that's for sure. It was the force of will alone that stopped me from eating them all that day. I could have, but those little buggers were expensive! woo.

Note Chris, since you're the only one that reads this, when you do read this, please don't think this is my 'subtle' way of asking for more. I just wanted a happy memory to push out the not at all happy one is all. Love you!

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

This totally amused me to no end today. I love sheep. Sheep being herded into patters while wearing LED vests, I mean, come on, how cool is that?! :D

Sheeeeeeeeep!

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Yesterday I messaged Neda on facebook asking her if she was alive - I really haven't heard from her since around Christmas - and told her I missed her (I mean, of course I do). Asked her to drop me a line.

Well, bless her sweet heart, she did one better, she called me! I got to talk to my Neda! Sunshine!!

Oh I needed that. You can't imagine how much I needed that! I feel so much better today!

Yay!

And it made me think of one of my favourite songs. Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers. Bill Withers really is awesome.



Thank the gods sunshine translates through the phone lines or I really would be the saddest SOB!! As it is my heart is light and full of joy for having such a good friend. She saved me once again! I should never have doubted! Some women find men, and make them their best friends, and sort of... abandon, or loose need fro their girl friends for the most part. That.. that is not me. I could handle loosing any man, I could not handle loosing Neda. She's my sunshine!

I still miss her. There's a whole in my life, and my heart where she's supposed to be, but she'll come home again and fill it. And in the meantime, I get little bits of sunshine to see me through. Gods keep her, and bring her home to us. You know if she doesn't come home, it'll be more than just me buying a ticket to South Korea to kidnap her ass and bring her back home. *nods* She's well loved, she is.

I miss her.

I miss her so much it hurts.

I know she needed to go - she wanted to go, that was enough. I'm sure she's having a fab time. And she'll come home eventually(right?). But in the meantime.... oh gods to I miss her.

I didn't think I'd miss her so much, but I do. I do.

I feel like I have no friends.

No one to talk to. No one to babble with. No one to see the late night showings of kids movies withs. No one to go out to dinner with. No one to be silly with.

Her sunshine is gone and I miss it. I miss it.

I miss her.

Depressing Rant for a Depressing Rainy day

Why is it that people that don't even know me, that know almost nothing about me, presume to know what I should do, what's best for me, what I'm going wrong, etc, etc???

I've been sullen and miserable for the past 24 hours, and other than being made fun of for something I can't control, that's been the major cuase of my woes. I feel belitted, uesless (at least in their eyes), broken, and plain just not good enough.

Who the fuck are they to decide I'm not good enough! Do they even know me?! No. No they do not.

Why is there something automatically wrong with me because I don't want to drive, because I don't want to work as a civil engineer?? I'm not sure I could, truthfully, but more importantly I don't want to! I've only seen a peek of that world, but I'm really not interested.

Who the fuck are they to tell me what I should do!?! *growl*

But I can't shake this feeling. This knot in my stomach, this deep ache that they think I'm not good enough, that they think I'm useless, and that he could do better. I wish it didn't matter. I know I shouldn't really care. But I can't help caring a little. I know it doesn't matter right this minute to him, but I can't help but worry he's going to agree with them one day soon. That he too will get fed up with me, that he'll come to think they are right, and leave me. :(

I want to shake it. Part of me knows it's silly. But I can't help feeling low. I can't help worrying. *sigh* I've been unemployed for two years now. I feel useless and hopeless enough without people passing judgement on me. Fuckers. Who are they to pass judgement, who are they to say damnit. They don't know me. They don't know what it's like for me. They haven't a clue about my life. Their opinions shouldn't hold any weight...except they are his people, and it hurts. :(

Lucy, Daughter of the Devil

Devil: Hello?
Lucy: Hey it's me. I need to borrow a hundred and eighty dollars. I wanna take a pottery class.
Devil: Um, I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars, so...No!
Lucy: Where are you?
Devil: Oh, I'm at my dildo factory.
Lucy: You have a dildo factory?
Devil: Yeah, of course. Sinsperations.
Lucy: I know Sinsperations!
Devil: You do?
Lucy: Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...
Devil: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn't wanna hear Baby's ideas about dildos.
Lucy: No, it's a vibrator. It's the one...
Devil: No, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you, no.
Lucy: Dad! So prudish! I'm a big, big masturbator. I thought you knew that about me. It's kinda my thing.
Devil: Bye.
Lucy: You know what, I would love to come in and do product testing.
Devil: Bye, I shut my phone.
Lucy: Oh, do you have a Bring your Daughter to Work Day?


This show is just so damn funny. In that it's wrong but it's funny anyway, sort of way.

Sometimes I'm just a big kid.

This might be a little TMI, but bear (ha! sorry, you'll get that in a minute) with me for a moment. I'm on my second round of antibiotics - Cipro XL this time - for a very unpleasant sinus infection that's been plaguing me for just far too long. One of the well known side effects of antibiotics, particularly with women, is yeast infections. The stronger the antibiotic, the more likely the chance of being overrun by yeast (the antibiotic kills both the bad bacteria you want to get rid of, and the good bacteria that keep you healthy - like the bacteria that keep your yeast in check).

Dispite having been on numerous rounds of various antibiotics, and just being a woman these past 28 years, I've never had a yeast infection. Considering the strength the stuff I'm on now hoewever, it's no surprise that I aquired one 3 days into my treatmeant. Yay me (NOT).

Highly unpleasant, gross and disgusting. Is all I will say about the yeast 'infection' (infection is a misnomer, it's really an imbalance).

I'm sure this will sound odd, but in feeling so like... gross and unclean, and generally ow-y this weekend I've really really missed my teddy bear (I've been at Chris' since Thursday afternoon). Usually I would curl up with him when I feel like this.... he's always so comforting like that... and he's a teddy, he doesn't care if I'm yeasty, and best of all really, I can't give what I have to him, and he goes in the wash, so regardless of what I might have, there's no worry of him giving it back to me either.. *sigh* So I miss him, for the shear guiltless comfort he always brings me. A hug when I need one, with no one to ask. I can hold him all night, and all day too. He sits in my lap, he fills up my arms, he quietly comforts whenever I need him. I can put him aside when I need to and he doesn't mind a jot. The next time I need a little TLC, he's right there, just as cuddly and willing as ever.

I love my bear. I don't care if I'm supposed to be all grown up and "past tht stage". He's my bear and I love him, and right now, I miss him.

Picture Story

I've been working part time in retail for the past month now. Really rather tiring. When I first started my feet got soooo sore, even after just a 4 hour shift! Now after 8 hours, my feet are sore, but no where near what they were the first few days. Thank the gods. But my point was, even working part time, it seems to suck up so much of my time!

So I have some unfinished business, or should I say finished business? *grins proudly* I finally finished my purple sweater! Ta Da!



Well, it's mostly finished. I haven't added buttons, but I've been wearing it with the fabulous broach as you see above and I'm really liking it. I'm thinking of just seaming up the button holes and wearing it as is.

I really do like it, it's so soft and warm but it's linty. oh. my. gods. If I knew the yarn was this linty I wouldn't have bought it! On the other hand, I'm very happy to have this sweater, linty or not. And proud of it too for that matter. I'm just never knitting with angora again. It's soft, warm, and lightweight, but it leaves fluff just everywhere

In the theme of showing off, I also wanted to show off the Banana Bread I made for Chris. This is the first time I've ever made it! I found the recpie online, the picture looked like my moms, and it seemed to have all the right things in it, so I went with it. If I do it again I won't be adding the cininmin, totally unnecessary and a little strange as I don't think it properly compliments the banana. Anyway, check it out! Isn't it pretty?





It tasted pretty darn good too. You don't even have to take my word for it. Take Chris'. He ate the whole loaf in two days, i.e. two sittings!

On a completely unrelated note: This is what passed as a Christmas tree at our house this year! It's barely 3ft tall and sat on our end table!



Can you believe it? Mom said it was just too much bother to bring the tree down from the attic, and move all the furniture around and such. *sigh* I really wish she had at least let me do it! I soo missed having a proper tree. Needless to say next year, gods willing, Chris and I are going to have a proper tree. I don't care how much space it takes up. We will make room. I want a proper tree. It's ironic, I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but I so love the trappings of Christmas. I love the tree, the decorations, the candy, the cookies, even the carols. So we are going to have a proper tree. *nods*

On another completely unrelated note: one of the last few times I was at Chris' place, he cleaned out his bottom drawer in his dresser so I could have some space, isn't that just the sweetest thing? Anyway, that was where he kept his sexin' stuff. Somehow we got on the topic of condoms and how they fit. Me not having the right anatomy, and never having taken a close look at any condom, I wanted to know if they were all the same or what. This lead to his being surprised that I'd never played with one. Since I was so curious, he let me open one and play with it. This is the result. LMAO.



For some strange reason I can't really explain I just love this image.... I think I look pretty good in it, somehow.. aside from the dirigible sized/shaped condom, of course.