Friday, August 22, 2008


Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

By Sarah McLachlan

Thursday, August 21, 2008


I was struck tonight, or perhaps reminded is the better word, of a scene, and a character in one of my all time favourite movies - When Night is Falling. At one point the character, can you believe I can't remember the man's name? I'm bad with names, what can I say.

Anyway, this poor, unfortunate man, has this conversation with his girlfriend about silence. He's telling her about a lecture he heard at a conference... The lecturer says something along the lines of Silence is Golden. Sometimes the most unselfish thing you can do in a relationship is be silent. This modern compulsion to say everything, to share everything just isn't healthy. Sometimes, the best answer, the best thing you can do for your relationship, is to just be silent.

Now, in the movie what he's really doing it telling his girlfriend, without having to say it, that he knows she's cheated, and he can't bare to hear her say it; he'd much rather they just both pretend it never happened.

This is not the case with me, thank the gods. I was reminded of this because, like him, I am compelled to agree - Silence is Golden. There really are just times when staying silent, when being silent, is the most unselfish thing one can do. There are times when silence is needed. When the absence of silence will cause far more discord than any worth could be had from saying.....whatever it is one is want to say.

I know this is true. I have learned it the hard way -- by saying what ought not to have been said. Both times when I have done so in the resent past, I have realised only too late that I should have kept my mouth shut. It was not worth it to say what I did. No value came from it, only hurt and....distance.

I hope to someday learn this lesson. In the meantime..... I wish I had somewhere else I could get away from the now painfully uncomfortable silence... Mostly, however, I wish I had some way I could wash away the hurt feelings and... ruffled distance. I am not one of those people that always knows the right thing to say, unfortunately. You know the kind of people I mean, the ones that have a magic way of breaking any tension, of bringing sunshine to any darkness... That is just so not me. *sigh*

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Angry Rant

I just got told by some jackass that refusing to do things I KNOW will cuase me pain is the same fucking thing as giving up!

HOW the fuck does that work?!?!?

My goal is to NOT have headaches, doesn't it therefore make PERFECT sense to refuse treatments I know will only cause me more pain and more headaches?!?!

Fucking jackass. I am NOT giving up!! I'm just not going to do something that doesn't fucking make any sense. *growl*

WHAT THE FUCK. How the fuck is that even close to the same thing?!!? Jackass.

I'm in pain, I'm frustrated, I'm trying to find answers that work, I keep bugging my GP to send to me to specialist after specialist.. No one seems to have any kind of helpful answer, so we move on to the next one. Wouldn't giving up be NOT seeing them???

Seriously, who the fuck wouldn't refuse treatment they knew would cause them pain!? I fucking tried it AGAIN even!! I did! I fucking tired it, and you know what? It fucking hurt all over again! Every fucking time I got a fucking headache!

I spent money I don't have on a fucking sinus rinse kit, and I followed the directions properly, and the water actually drained this time (last time at least half stayed in my head), but I STILL got a headache. Every fucking time!! Half the time I didn't even HAVE a headache before I started!!! That's the killer.. Cause I sure as fuck had one when I was done!!!!!!

I went to see the ENT to STOP the fucking headaches NOT to create more for myself!

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but OBVIOUSLY sinus rinces do NOT work for me!!!!!!!! *Grumble*

Fucking jackass. Who the fuck is he to talk!? He doesn't have a fucking clue.

I am NOT giving up. What the fuck. I am SO pisssed off! I give up enough in my life, I fucking know when I'm giving up, and I am NOT giving up. I refuse to live with this pain. I refuse. And I sure as fuck am not going to create MORE for myself.

Seriously. Who the fuck taught him logic?! Fucking jackass. How fucking dare he!?!

Saturday, August 9, 2008


I've been baking cookies since about 5 pm today, it's now midnight. That's 7 hours of baking! With only like one break for dinner, and one in the middle when my dear man did dishes for me!

I'm dead on my ass tired, and my back is killing me. I really should have stopped after the making of the chocolate chip cookie dough. Frig, I'm so tired that I misread my peanut butter cookie recipe! It said 1 cup of peanut butter, 1/2 cup of butter. I mixed the two up and added a whole cup of butter!

Now this normally wouldn't be an issue, I'd just double the batch and have more cookies than I meant to. But nooo.. When I went to buy ingredients today I didn't buy eggs because I had exactly the right amount of eggs. Doh.

So Chris, being the kind, generous, wants to help kinda man that he is, got out of bed, got dressed, and is currently trudging down to the all night grocery store to buy me eggs!! Sweet, sweet man that he is!

I feel bad. I should have known something would come up and I'd need more eggs. Doh. Live and learn. Hopefully this time I will learn! Dagnabit.

I'm wicked tired, so the plan is to make the dough and chill it, likely in the freezer 'cause that's the only place there is room right now, and bake them in the morning. I hope everyone at Shasta's likes them tomorrow!

Though..... since I'm making sooo many I think I will keep a few of them for home too. That's the plan with the chocolate chip cookies too. Chris asked if I could make some for him as well. 'Cause really, bringing over 100 cookies is a lot excessive!

And he's home! Man he rocks! *beams* I'm lucky, yes, yes I am.