Monday, October 6, 2008

Truth Time

I'm hopeless. I mean that literally -- I've lost all hope.

I don't see the point in trying, I know I should, and I feel guilty about not trying, it eats me up, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's not just the lack of hope. There's lots of fear involved. I know I'll get overwhelmed. I always so. I just end up feeling useless, and powerless, and trapped. I don't want to go through that. I.. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know nothing good will come of it. I'm convinced at this point. So why torture myself? No matter how hard I try, no matter what 'game face' I put on, it's all pointless.

You see? I'm hopeless.

I wish I knew how to overcome this. I wish I was stronger, braver, something... But I'm not. I'm just me - a broken down mess.

You know, I'm not even sure at this point that I could hold down a full time job. I'm so flipping broken. Right now I get allergy shots every month, from the RN at my Doctor's office, in Hamilton. I'm not even sure how I'd be able to work that out with any kind of job. But that's not all. I'm broken. I can't walk or stand for any real length of time. So any job that requires me to be on my feet, I physically can no longer do. I have some kind of nerve bundle in my foot, and eventually I'll need to go see a specialist about that.. Gods know what kind of treatment that will require. I have chronic headaches, of varying kinds it seems. Incurable, so far untreatable. The pain is debilitating. I wish it was seen as an actual disability, perhaps then I could get government help in supporting myself, or finding a job....equal opportunity and all that. Right now it's just a major deterrent for anyone employing me or keeping me on. I'm quite sure it had a major role in my dismissal from my only real job.


The only reason I'm not totally and completely screwed right now is that my darling, darling man has decided to take care of me. I really don't feel like I deserve it. I'm a bad 'housewife', and he deserves better regardless. Right now I don't feel like I can do this for much longer; the guilt is eating me up. He's just too good to me; I don't deserve it. I feel like I should move back in with my parents, in a way... Somehow I think I'd feel less guilty about them taking care of me... Even though, not being here with Chris would be hard, really really hard... I'd miss him like crazy... And I know he'd miss me and... Gah... I just don't know what to do.... *sigh*

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