Friday, July 25, 2014

Fantastical Dreams

For the second might in a row my dreams were so good, I decided to stay in bed longer because I wanted to know what happened next, I wanted more, and I actually got back into the same dreamscape!  That alone is a rare thing for me!

Today my dreams were a mish-mash of sci-fi and Dr Who fan-fic. Though, it was fan-fic with a twist, cause I was NOT happy when I found out the tall lanky blonde was The Doctor! But who wants to fall in love with The Doctor?!  You don't get to keep him!! You don't get a lifetime with him. No, you have to share him, and if you're lucky you'll get a year or two. Not all of us are as lucky as Rose, to get our very own human copy, made when he still loved us and would grow a set and admit it.

So yeah. But oh my it was crazy fun!

It all started with me being trapped inside the body of a 14 year old girl. I say trapped because I me, or at least an unattached 30-ish yr old version of me, like me just before I met Chris really. Somehow, and the somehow was foggy even for me, I'd gotten myself into some kind of trouble and I'd woken up as the 14 yr old daughter of a 40-ish yr old couple. The mom worked full-time out of the home, but Dad worked from home. He had a hobby ski shack store taking up a room of our house, it might have been an addition because it wasn't actually heated... It was cold in there, but it wasn't the season for skiing. So late spring early summer maybe? Cause it wasn't warm, though I don't know if it ever got warm on that planet.  Dad was a geek though. I think he had a lab at the back of the house, or maybe downstairs, or he worked at a computer.... But I think it involved a lab. He'd get lost in his work. I was alone all day as a result really. I must have been home-schooled cause school was not involved.... Or the two of them were too self-obsorbed to realize I should be schooled.  I got the feeling I was sort of... Magic-ed into their lives. That maybe I hadn't so much stolen some poor 14 yr old girl's body but one was sort of... created for me to hide in. Cause I sure felt like I was hiding in this big house in the middle of no where.

The only other person I ever saw was my Dad's friend. I called him Uncle... something. I can't think of it now. Steve? He so wasn't a Steve. Stev maybe though. He was a tall, lanky blonde man. He had this patch of puffy, half-curly blonde hair in front that made it impossible for me to ever take him totally seriously. He came around a lot. He was around so much I almost wonder if he lived with us, but I think not, there was still some distance... I wasn't that comfortable with him.... But I was crushing. I mean, he was attractive, he had the best smile - mischievous, sexy as hell, but so damn honest. Not that he was honest! I was quite sure he often wasn't honest at all, but when he smiled, he meant it. When he looked at me, I got the distinct impression he saw me, not the awkward 14 yr old body I was borrowing, but me - the fat 30yr old woman who was making the best of an odd situation. Perhaps that's part of why he found me so intriguing, I wasn't freaking out, I was just going with the flow and trying to live this new life as best as I knew how.

So that's all explanation. I was in the foyer/great room talking with Dad - I wanted to know where the hell my cat was. I hadn't seen her in days now and I was getting really worried. I wanted to know if he'd seen her, if he might have let her out and forgot about her, or if she was snugged in some other part of the house. He couldn't even remember the cat! He didn't think we had a cat. Damn forgetful professor type.

That's when Uncle Stev came in holding my poor kitty in his big hands. She was mewing softly and had blood on her face.  She was all wet. I think she'd been out in a snowbank.... Stev wasn't wearing a coat though.... He set her down on the floor and I fell to my knees beside her, not knowing where to touch her, stumbling over my words, asking what'd happened. He said, very serious that he thought she'd been hit by a car. I told Stev to get a towel to wrap her in, she must have been so cold. I stood and glared at my Dad. I told him we were taking her to the vets. Now. He has the nerve to say she's still breathing, and he's sure she'll be fine on her own. If she isn't fine in a few hours then we can go. He needs to get back to his lab. I wanted to stomp my foot, but I wasn't the teen I looked like. I schooled my face to look as stern as I could and said slowly, "No. We are going to the vets NOW." And stared him down. He blinked and nodded. He turned on his heel and ran off down the hall, coming back moments later with a bundle of clothes for me, saying I needed to change and so did he.

I don't know why my Dad was dressing me. It's a dream! But I did realise then that I was wearing pj pants and a t-shirt. lol.  I took the clothes and went off into an alcove to change. Again, I don't know why I didn't go to my room. To be honest, in my dream at that moment I didn't have a clue where my room was -- sometimes when I dream I don't... have enough info to be truly assimilated in the story. But this also worked for the plot - I wasn't far from my kitty but I was just out of sight of Uncle Stev. Or I would have been if he hadn't followed me. So he caught me, literally, with my pants down. I was pulling the new jeans up, and having a time of it cause they were tight. My brain was firing off cause I was too fat for my pants and how did I even explain that to my Dad, and how did I do it without Unlce Stev hearing, and now here he is, his eyes on fire, with that grin of his, sitting on the bench watching me pull my skin-tight jeans up. My face was lobster red.

Uncle Stev said as he'd rounded the corner "I can't wait till you grow up", with laughter in his voice. But as soon as he'd seen me, the light in his eyes had turned to a smoldering fire. But I got the impression he was seeing what I saw, not what was really there. Cause I saw my old body, my grown-up body tugging on the jeans, with my boobs jiggling. This new body didn't have those yet, not like my old body did anyway. I don't have big boobs, but he 14 yr old was... just starting, ya know?  Anyway! 

He threw me off, I asked why--why couldn't he wait till I was grown up. He said, the way I handled my Dad.... But then he changed the subject. I think there was teasing about the tight jeans. The way he looked at me.... So much fire in his eyes. I finally got the pants on and sat down beside him. He turned to me then, his eyes aglow again, and asked if I was going to take my shirt off now, as he looked to the new t-shirt. If I coulda gotten redder, then I did. I was going to just turn and take it off, cause I'm not a child... But that was too much, even for me. So I put the new shirt on over top and took the old one off underneath. He remarked he'd seen his kid sister do it that way too, but he didn't come off creepy. I'm not sure how he managed that, but he did!  And it didn't sting, being compared to a kid. Not when he still looked at me like that. I stood in front of where he was still sitting, all male smugness. I told him he was a bad, evil man, and he needed to stop looking at me like that. He asked why, so softly. I replied, because he made me want to do things I shouldn't do. Then I stopped thinking and acted. I took his face in my small hands and kissed him for all I was worth. He opened for me, and I leaned in, plastering my body to his warmth, his big hands on my back puling me in. It was a hot rush, and I never wanted it to end.

That's when I heard my Dad yelling at us. Boy was he pissed at the pair of us.  I'm not sure who he was yelling at more, me or Stev. I don't know what happened next.. I have a vague memory of his big hand wrapped around mine and running, but I think this might have been when I woke up.

When I next dropped into my dream Stev and I, with  a group of friends were off to visit some ancient temples on a distant planet. He'd been dreaming/planning/researching the place forever and we'd finally got everything set up and were going with like four others. Of course I have terrible luck and I got injured at the beginning of our journey. I have no idea how. I had the vague impression that someone had actually been chasing us/out to get us, and I'd gotten hurt as a result. The first time I woke up I think I was in a hospital. Or I thought I was, but maybe I was just in our ship's medical area. The next like three times I woke up I was on a stretcher, bundled in blankets, with tubes coming in and out, and wrapped in bubble wrap!!  No really, my outer layer was big blue bubble wrap. It's a dream.  And every time I woke up, we'd be outside on some mountain top, or some lush green hill, and they'd tell me how much closer we'd gotten, or where we were. I remember saying they were making good time. And then I'd black out again.... Hell, maybe Stev was fast-forwarding my body, cause I was a grown-up by the time we got to our destination.  So either I got a new body, or the one I had aged. But I remember being really annoyed that I'd missed everything stuck in the bubble wrap and wrestled my way out, whether I was ready or not. 

The world we went to was so colourful. The grass wasn't green, it was pink and blue and purple in spots. We'd come to their religious mecca. All their religions had temples there. Huge and so very distinctive. Stev wanted to buy an obelisk I think. Stev was rich I'd found out. Silly rich. So he meant it. A full on Obelisk in honor of whatever was his choice, that's how they worked, if you donated enough, and he fully intended to so he could get one to whatever it was he wanted... He wouldn't tell me.... It was a surprise. But he was like a kid in a candy store, so excited for all the history, and I wasn't going to be trapped, I wanted to share it with him. So he headed off to this gothic looking temple talking of obelisks, and one of our travel mate's said they didn't really sell them, I said hush, don't spoil his fun. I think I must have followed him cause I knew just what happend next, saw it, when our friends didn't.

He went into the temple and picked up a staff, I think I got in as he picked it up. But oh, such bad timing. One of the nuns had just awoken from her like 100 yr slumber and she sees him in this temple of all places with THAT staff and she thinks he's the second coming of some evil god. The shriek she let out was painful!  When Stev tried to go to her to see what was wrong, she started shaking, screamed again, turned, ran, and kept screaming. She  must have followed me into the building, but she didn't see me, just Stev.... And she ran all the way to her monastery screaming of their evil god the whole way. The entire religious sector was up in arms, and coming for us. They weren't interested in talking either, they had pitchforks....well weapons of some kind and they wanted us dead.

Again, I found myself with Stev's big hand wrapped around mine and we were running for our lives. I guess I should have seen it coming. I mean, who else does so much running?!?  But I mean... I just... He was Stev!

I think the dream might have broke here too. And the running ended with us being in this large odd room full of..... ghosts... Not exactly. It looked almost like a lecture hall or a gathering, with tables that sat two facing the narrow end of the room. At every table was... dead decaying.... creatures. None of them looked human. And they weren't fully dead either. They all talked. They could move their heads, but non of them could get up it seemed.  The room was white - white tables, chairs, walls, ceiling, even the dead things were wearing white. It was creepy as fuck, let me tell you.  And I don't know how we got there. One minute we were running on the planet with all the temples the next we were in this room far far away. And the dead things, they called Stev The Doctor.  They said The Doctor is back! He's finally come to face us! I dropped his hand and looked at him like he'd betrayed me.  Though, he had! damnit.

I was heart-broken. I'd fallen in love with him. I don't know if I'd known it until then.  But learning who he was, made me realize the depth of what I'd just lost. I don't know why I didn't doubt it. I guess my brain suddenly saw all the pieces I wanted to ignore. And I lamented that I wanted a lifetime to love him in and now I'd never get that. I'd never get to keep him. I'd never get to love him.He looked sad when I said that. He must have seen my heartbreak. He started babbling about how Id be safe there. That he had to go, but he'd be back. When he could, he'd come back. I knew what that meant. I knew who, what the doctor was. It meant I was on my own, that I'd never see him again, and I told him so. I told him not to lie to me anymore. That I deserved the truth damnit. That he should have never led me to believe I could love him, that he would be mine. I asked him if he even loved me. He said "Of course, yes" before he fadded out and was gone. The evil creatures in the room tired to tell me he didn't say yes, that he was trying to say something else. They tired to get into my head, literally, some of them were telepathic. It was really scary. I ran to the back of the room. There were no doors, no way out. I tried to be brave, told them to shut it, to leave me alone, when one of them got up and started coming for me. And I screamed. I called for The Doctor. I'm no Riversong. I had no clue how to get him to come to me. As I ran from the half-dead thing he appeared beside me, only, he wasn't MY Doctor anymore. My Doctor... Because Stev was never real. This man was tall too, older, greying curly hair, and I knew he was The Doctor, the way we that love him can just tell. Cause damnit he was still in there. And he took my hand, apologized for keeping me waiting, and said he was getting me out of there. I could only wonder at how much life he'd lived in the last five minutes of my life. It made my heart ache, but there wasn't time for that.

Then we were on a space station. One that he had helped get built, and that my brother, my brother?? Now ran. Yes my brother. The couple Id left, that 14 yr old girl I'd been, they'd had a son, and he ran this place. So he was family, as much as anyone else in this time and place could be. I think he was trying to help me feel less alone. Of course nothing ever goes smoothly around The Doctor. he was giving me a tour, I walked away from him to ask one of the non-human staff, see if anything he said was true, but he agreed. The Doctor just smiled at me. I think he liked that I wanted to talk to the natives.... 

I saw someone outside an airlock, then suddenly there was an explosion, and people were being thrown out into space. He said it wasn't safe here for me, and he'd get me home. He didn't give me a choice. He stuffed me in a pod and had the station send me back to earth while he went down to the planet below. Dreams. I got to see him land. Hell, I was there, I touched the snow encasing the soldiers in their auto-suits. A whole civilization who seemed to have forgotten how to use their bodies! They sat in their suits all night, all day, until they were needed then flew in straight perfect lines, not moving a muscle, high in the clouds, letting it all form snow around them.  Maybe he was going to take me, but I'm afraid of heights, I didn't do well hiding in the clouds... The dips made me so nauseous and scared! But the soldiers were... only soldiers by name.... it was so strange! And then we were in the city and he was tapping into their phone lines and using a code he'd obviously set up long ago, but it wasn't there anymore. It was the same code he'd showed me up in the station, but down here, their systems just didn't recognize it. He was adamant that it was there, we were just interfacing with too new a system, the old system would know him. There had to be people that knew him. He found two older men, and asked them if they'd like to be the first men to have children in 100 yrs. So he hadn't come back, but he'd been watching, and he knew how to fix this problem, or at least I hope he did. They were white-haired, and frankly didn't look young enough to be dealing with kids, I didn't think they'd care......

And the dream breaks, and I could no longer see what he was doing. I think maybe I just got to watch cause he was alone then. I felt for him alone down there. I knew he'd be fine, but I didn't like him alone, He wasn't careful enough when he was alone and I knew it.

The next time I enter the dream I'm back home. I'm on earth, I'm with my childhood friends, so he must have fixed it so I could wear my own skin somehow in there. I realise The Doctor isn't capable of that, but whatever, it's a dream!  And I'm sitting with the girls and a commercial comes on the TV, or maybe it's a billboard or even just something one of them is looking at. It - was ad for a ship company looking for crews of five woman, any five, just come to them as groups and they would match you with a ship. High adventures on exotic seas, they promised. No experienced required. And they were all, we should do this! You're in right? And I was like, I'd love to, but I'm too broken, I could never do that. So I was really me by then. Broken and beaten down by FMS, I couldn't do what they could, couldn't be what they were. Wanting doesn't make it so.

And yet the next moment I'm on a ship on a blue sea, with a GIANT octopus following, teasing out ship. I mean giant. This fucker was nearly as big as our ship, actually, I think he might have been bigger, and we weren't in a dinky boat! One of us was in the water with him.  she was swimming when he came up beside her and started..... playing with her. We didn't know what to do. She said she was okay, HE suggested she stay in the water with him, that he could help pull their boat cause they didn't appear to be going anywhere. 

So he could talk.... But he wasn't that bright because we all ended up taking turns in the water with him, but he thought we were the same girl. Or maybe us wee humans were all the same to him, I dunno.

When it was my shift he asked me why I was so nervous and why I wasn't blowing bubbles anymore and I realized the last girl, probably Neda, had been scuba diving with him and I cursed her. Cause if he expected me to hold my breath that long I'd just end up dead.  I told him not to get any bright ideas with all his tentacles, it wasn't okay to molest me, and he said he's already felt up my round butt and legs. He said my skin was awful thick, and that I didn't use nearly enough of my still-devoloping brain. That's how he put it! My skin was thick because the ocean was freezing cold there and I was in a scuba suit so I wouldn't freeze to death during my water shift.  I asked him where he was from, cause we didn't have talking octupuses on earth, and he told me we weren't ON earth anymore! I was shocked to say the least.

Somewhere in the small-print of the ship-mate contract I was sure it said something about going *anywhere* they needed us and I was cursing the girls for not warning me, cause I knew they knew. I just knew. And they knew I didn't want to leave earth again...Not after the last time.  Not after HIM. And then the Octupus said the strangest thing, He said, 'I don't understand what he sees in you'.  And I knew who he meant. I mean, it's not like I get around. Stev was the only man I remembered loving, really loving, in that kind of, I want to keep you forever and grow old with you, kind of way. And my heart still hurt thinking about him.

I don't now what hurt more, that I didn't get to keep the man I loved, or that.. that maybe he never really existed. Sure Stev and who I knew The Doctor to be had similarities, but The Doctor never really loved, not the way I needed to be loved. He never stayed. He never gave all of himself to anyone. He never grew old, he never lived a normal life, there was no day to day with him, no falling asleep in his arms, no waking up pressed to him, no kissing him goodbye and knowing, knowing he was coming home again, no home, never any home with him.  But Stev and I had a home. We were home to each other. We were never apart. He was my comfort, my blanket, my heat every night. We were fire and it was a glorious slow burn I thought could go on forever. But if he wasn't Stev, not just Stev, he was The Doctor, and you don't get to keep him. Not ever.

But I've got this problem.... I'm a hopeful romantic. I can't help but hope. Try as I might, I still hoped. Hoped I'd get to see him again. That somehow the universe would make things right and I'd get my Stev back, I'd get to keep the man I loved. I didn't care if he came to me with a different face, not as long as he was the same man. He loved me in that body that.. that wasn't really me, he saw me under it all, how could I not do the same for him? But you don't get to keep The Doctor.  And still when this strange giant Octopus made his oblique comment my heart beat faster and hope stopped my voice for a moment.  I wanted to know. I needed to know. But how did an octopus know The Doctor.. Okay, that's a silly question really. But, what did I ask?

Again, I didn't impress the octopus. I think I paused too long for his liking. He ended up.... swallowing me....  And I was inside him, only it wasn't just gooey, there was glass and metal workings, and a marble floor, and I was stuck in a low glass walled circular room, with a smaller room at the centre. I ended up in it's centre, which was stupid, and I couldn't get my body to listen and try to crawl back out. I just panicked and screamed until I woke up. 

But I went back under into dreamland..... And I was back inside him, only I was moving, water pushing against me and then I was flying and there was blue sky and a yellow sun setting and he was tapping me with a tentacle trying to get me to wake up. No, he wasn't impressed with me at all.

I think that's the end of it....

Judged not good enough by a giant octopus.... But even though I claimed I wanted a quiet life, I still ended up on a clearly alien ship on some very foreign sea, talking to a giant octopus..... So very strange. The whole lot of it.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

My Religion is Love

It's been coming on slowly, but I finally figured it out. Oddly enough it took a wondering mind and a scene from an Anita Blake novel for it to really hit home for me: My Religion is Love.

Let's start with a definition, to make things easier:
noun: religion
the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.
"ideas about the relationship between science and religion"
synonyms:faith, belief, worship, creed; More
"the freedom to practice their own religion"
  • a particular system of faith and worship.
    plural noun: religions
    "the world's great religions"
  • a pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance.

I'm not talking about the first definition. As if. I've been an atheist for 21 years now, and that's never going to change.  There's been a time or two where I wished I could believe in a god(s) or goddess(es), it certainly would make things easier, but I just can't allow myself that safety blanket. Hell, to be perfectly honestly, I'm not capable - I have no faith in things I can't see or feel.

There's only ever been one instance where I felt a higher being might have helped me, and she owns part of soul, should she ever want it. But even so, I'm too much the logical engineer: I just can't really believe in her existence, or any other god's.

No, what I'm talking about is the other two definitions: Faith. And.... "An interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance" fits, but it's a damn ungainly way of saying it.  I'm not sure how else to say it though. But it's not an "interest"... It's.... the thing that makes everything else make sense to me, it's the core of my emotional logic, it's the meaty bit, the driving force, the thing that makes life bearable, makes life worth living. It's...... 42.

Religion is about faith. And for most of my life I have had precious little faith, in anything or anyone. But slowly, oh so slowly, I've found my faith. I have faith in one thing: Love.

I've always been a hopeless romantic. I've always seen every story from the heart first - by that I mean, whatever the story, in my head, it revolves around the relationships, around the love and hurt, and whatever else is always secondary for me.  I've always wanted to believe in love, but I've never..... had reason to. I'm logical, even when it hurts, and love just wasn't for me. But I also couldn't see, couldn't believe the kind of love you read about in books, the kind you'd die to protect, die fighting for, or suffer any hell to keep safe, actually existed in the real world, not really.

Until I found the right man who taught me what it meant to really be loved. Until someone I loved walked through hell for me.

I'm not a hopeless romantic anymore. I'm a hopeful romantic.  I believe. I have faith. In Love.

I've been a hopeful romantic for years. But the faith thing, that's new. And it was only recently that I realized just how deep it went for me.

It's stupid, a horror novel lighting the way, but it did. There's a scene, I think in Blue Moon where there's a demon, an actual demon, just outside Anita's circle of power trying to get in. She's not alone. Her assistant, her ex's injured mother, and some others. For a time they are protected by Anita's magic, but at one point the circle breaks. Sort of by accident they find their only weapon: their faith. Anita tried shooting it, but the bullets went through the demon, he was only solid when he wanted to be. Her ex's mother was understandably terrified, and Catholic I think. So like any good Christian she started reciting the Lord's Prayer. When the demon tried to get close to her, it was as if her words literally stung him. He couldn't get close to her, couldn't touch her. Anita, Episcopalian, added her voice and the demon cringed. She urged the others, if they had faith, now was the time to use it. I may be remembering it wrong, but I think there was another man, not a Christian, a Hindu, who started reciting the Bhagavad Gita and the demon couldn't touch him either. Or maybe it was just Larry her assistant who is Jewish, I think, that started praying. For whatever reason, I walked away with idea that faith was faith, and evil just can't touch it. But this scene haunted me. Because I have no faith. I have no armour against that kind of evil. Or I didn't.

No, I don't think I'm going to find myself face to face with a demon, not in real life, but I'm plagued by nightmares, vivid, terrifying nightmares that I wake up screaming from. So for me, having armour the next time I'm attacked isn't just an intellectual exercise. But it has to be armour I believe in 100% 'cause I'm fighting myself and if I don't believe it, then the gun won't fire, the door won't shut, my legs won't work, and I won't win. And when I don't win it hurts, it burns, I feel everything in my dreams, and I wake up screaming my terror.

The other day, in the shower, this scene popped into my head again, as it does every once in awhile. Sometimes I recite the Lord's Prayer with Anitia, thinking, if I lived in her world, if my cross lit up and made vampires shrink back from me, I could believe in god too. I can't even think of the words now, but I've known large bits of it, memorized it when I was a teen, hoping to find comfort. But that morning as my mind's eye saw Anita crouch beside her ex's mom, holding the woman's hand and reciting the prayer, I stood tall on that red hill and sang my heart out: "Ain't no mountain high enough,  Ain't no valley low enough, Ain't no river wide enough, To keep me from getting to you babe, ..."

Love poured from every every word, bright and powerful. I nearly glowed with it. The demon flinched, but not because I couldn't hold a tune, Love took care of that I think. No, he flinched because I was full of faith, and he couldn't touch me. 

And that pulled me out of my daydream. I had faith. True, unwavering, no-doubt-in-my-mind faith. The kind of faith most people save for a god, that's the kind of all encompassing faith I have in love. My faith has been building slowly over the years, so it's not like it came as a surprise exactly.  But I'd never really called it faith, and I'd never really thought of it in terms of religion. Faith had always been the sticking point for me with religion - I just never had faith.  But I have it now. In Spades.

So it occurred to me: my religion is love. And as time goes on, I'm more and more convinced it's true. And that it's what's right for me.

It's not a traditional religion, but since when am I ever traditional?

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Feminist Rant

So I was browsing the internet, as I do, and I came upon something rather interesting: The Quest to Understand Feminism Through 'World of Warcraft'.

It's kinda sad, but interesting all the same. I can happily say my experience in WoW is far more positive than the artist's. So far I've:
  • Met loads of real women.**
  • Been a member of at least two guilds run by women.
  • Been on a raid team where the steady and most competent members happened to be women. 
  • Met a lot of married couples like myself and my husband, who play and raid together. Geek Force unite!
  • Met quite a few young, unmarried men that wished they could get their girlfriend's to play or wished they could find one that did - they were perfectly happy to have women play wow alongside them.
  • Not once, in my just over two years of playing, have I ever heard a comment like "GB2 the kitchen".
I should point out, however, that I am Alliance, not Horde. There are jerks everywhere but we have prettier cities.

**I actually asked many a guild member (in our guild chat room) whether they were women or men, so I wasn't assuming. 

**Also, we used Vent (a program that's like a conference call for a raid team) during our raids. It's hard not to notice when "Faith" the female human on screen is accompanied by the deep Southern drawl of a man, or when "Honey" has the sweetest little voice you've ever heard and you just want to squeeze her.

Anyway! Back to the article. Where's the rant you ask? Well, here it comes: one comment I could just not leave alone. It set my blood boiling and I had to say something. Here's the comment:
Yeah, and then there's real life where women are socially equal to men and just like the special status playing the perpetual victim gets them. Post Modernist "feminism" is the ultimate form of misogyny as it requires women to be victims for it to have any threat of logic.
Oh boo hoo, you went out in public and heard something you didn't like. PATRIARCHY! OOOOoooh. Equal means equal. Deal with it.
 And this is my reply:

Are you serious?!  That pregnant 19 year old wasn't playing the victim. She was raped by a family member, and I can only assume a MALE, seeing how conservative she was she'd be a screaming homophobic otherwise. She IS a victim.

And "threat of logic"?!  You know, just saying something doesn't make it so. Women are NOT treated equally to men. Men are still payed vastly more for the exact same work, with the exact same experience.  Straight out of university, women with great grades will make the same as men with shitty ones( Female 'A+' Students End Up Making As Much As Male 'C' Students). How is this equal?!?

We've come a long way. Women are persons under the law; at least where I live. We can vote. We can own land. We can hold almost any job, as long as we don't mind a pay cut. But are we equal? NOT EVEN CLOSE.

When men are given wives as GIFTS,( South Africa investigates 'wife gift' for SABC head). No, we are NOT equal.

The fact that you think women are misogynistic for wanting true equality, for wanting girls and women to have the same value socially, culturally, intrinsically as their male compatriots says how not equal we are more perfectly than I ever could.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Romantic Comedy's are not a good model for healthy relationships

Laurell K Hamilton asked her fb followers if they've ever had their life influenced by romantic comedys, or had the kind of things that happen in rom coms happen in their relationships. And it got me thinking about it... not for the first time.

When I talk at/rant to Chris, my hubby about this, his answer is that I should blog about it or some such, so for once, I'm listening. ;)

I should start off by saying I used to love romantic comedies. It was my favourite genre in fact. Funny, with a guaranteed HEA (Happily Ever After) ending, what's not to love?

Then I met Chris. But more importantly, I had the very first grown-up, healthy courtship and then healthy relationship of my life.

 So when, months into dating Chris, I wanted a rom com - no, I don't remember which one - I realized just how messed up the genre was as a whole.

When you stop and think about the kinds of things rom coms promote as 'romantic', or 'all in the name of love'... Creepy is what comes to mind.

Movie Example: Edward sneaking into Bella's bedroom to watch her sleep at night. Even ignoring the fact that she's 16, and he's like 200 or 100, or whatever- he's an old man. Even ignoring the age thing, he's breaking and entering to watch her sleep.

Now, I have actually had this happen to me - sort of - he didn't break in at least! When I was a teenager, I was dating a very sweet boy. He came over one evening when I was having a nap (yes, even at 14 or 15 I liked naps!). My parents let him in, assuming he'd wake me up. He didn't. I woke up to pitch black , not only had the sun set but the power had gone out so there wasn't even filtered light from the streetlights outside my big ass window. The radio was off, but was on when I'd gone to sleep. And I could hear someone breathing in the room. Someone that wasn't me. I freaked. I stayed stock still until the power came back on - longest seconds of my life! With the light from the street I had enough clues to figure out it was my soon to be ex boyfriend, not some serial killer there to murder me. But he just sat there and watched me sleep, for gods knows how long! WHAT THE FUCK?! I was terrified! That is just not cool, let me tell you.

Real life example: When I was dating my now husband, I had an ex call me out of the blue, and tell me he missed me, he wanted me in his life, that he some nights he just sat in his car outside my house, thinking about me, but didn't have the nerve to knock.

My first reaction, a result of watching too many romantic comedies, was: aww, how sweet.

Then I really thought about it.

I hadn't heard from this guy in six months and even then he was just brushing me off. So miss me, my ass.

Also, I'd been spending almost half my time at Chris' place in Toronto but home was still my parent's place in Hamilton (a hour's drive from Toronto); I just wasn't there much.

So this 37 yr old man was sitting outside my parents house. In his car. At night. What? Just staring?

STALKER!! My brain screamed and my pulse jumped. I wasn't worried for myself. I really wasn't home many evenings at this point. But my parents were. Every protective instinct I had came rushing to the forefront.

So I did the only thing I could think of: I talked his ear off about how happy I was. I told him I was seeing a wonderful man (my Chris) that was only a few years older than me (not old and decrepit like him). How Chris was wonderfully geeky, sweet, and oh so good to me. I went on about our amazing chemistry, and how no one had ever pleased me like Chris did, over and over and over again. I told him how Chris thought I was 'worth the trouble', something no other man had ever told me - I always got the opposite. Especially from this guy (yes, he was a self-obsessed jerk). I told him I never thought about him, but I wished him well.

Worked like a charm too! He never bothered me again! 

I really hope he was only feeding me a line, trying to get me pinging for him or some crap. Cause to this day it kinda freaks me out to think about him sitting in his sedan outside my parents house.. last at night.... I mean. what the fuck?

So yeah. Do not model your relationships on rom coms. That's not the kind you want. Take it from a happily married woman. Yay for "boring married life" *snickers* I wouldn't want it any other way.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Poerty. Blah.

Pulled by invisible stings
My muscles jerk wildly
Betraying a secret
I keep even from myself.

The stone ogre is solidifying
Moving oh so slowly
Muscles strain, tendons scream
I bite my tongue to hide my pain.

Bones made of lead,
Muscles like molasses in January
Pushing just to do the simplest things
I am alone in this hell.

They look like good strong hands don't they?
My wrist jerks, my thigh jumps
I hold in the scream burning in my throat

Weighed down by more
Than my own gargantuan size
Fighting the good fight
Try as I might, I'm still loosing.

But is it the war or the battle
That is beating me down?
In the pit of despair
It all looks the same to me.

Fight the good fight.
It's more than just words.
I'll never give up.
I walk through hell for the ones I love.

There is hope. I know it.
I can't see it now, but it's there.
I'll wait out the darkness
Because this too shall pass.

In the light of love
Everything is possible
I believe in the dream
I believe in love.

And someday, some way,
This will get better.
No matter how many times
I fail along the way, I will win.

Never give up, never surrender
There must be a peace
Between my dreams
And this disease eating at me

A modicum of control is all I desire
The disease is part of me. I admit it.
Now, how do I get it to co-operate?
So help me Fria, I will find a balance.

So uh, it was suggested in this course I took, that I try to express my pain in some way... This is one of my attempts. Take it for what you will.

Saturday, September 22, 2012


I love fictional characters without restraint, wholeheartedly even. I very rarely love real people half so much.

I'm sitting here crying because I know this is the last season for Amy and Rory Pond as the Doctor's companion. Already I miss them. Already I am sad to say goodbye to them. I fell in love with them you see, and it hits me hard that they...they won't be continuing the story with us.

When Mattiline died - a character in the Hallows book series -  I sobbed for hours, inconsolably. I was heartbroken. Chris came home and found me sobbing. He thought someone had died - a real someone that is. I don't think he ever understood how my emotions could rage, how I could be so very attached to someone who wasn't real.

But that's part of it - for me, they are real. If the writer is any good, their characters become real for me. And when they die, my grief is just as real. This is something I've known for years now, and have become very careful about what I read.

Thankfully most romance novels are engaging enough to be entertaining but not enough to touch my heart. Ha.

What I hadn't realized before, was why. Why do I love fictional people so easily? Why do I let myself love them, feel for them so very deeply, when I don't.... I just don't for people people.

Then it hit me.

Fictional characters can't reject me, can't judge me, can't leave me. They will always be there, right where I left them. I can love them without risking being hurt myself. Sure, losing them hurts, but it's not the same as the sting of not being loved back, of being judged and found wanting.

On the other hand, fictional characters let me into their lives. I get to see them at their best, and worst. I get a pass into their daily lives, I get to spend days, months, even years with them.  Most people I don't get to know half so well.

I grieve the loss of beloved characters. I cry. I sob. Until I have a headache and my heart feels hallow, empty and bereft.

I have never allowed myself to grieve for loved ones like that. I've been lucky, thus far, no one really close to me has died. I've had a cat, a dog, and an uncle die in my living memory. I never properly grieved for any of them.

I was sad when my uncle died. It was a shock, but also not a shock, we knew he was dying, I just didn't think it would be so soon.

My pets, I was in school and I had big tests both of the days they died. I refused to let myself grieve because I had to focus, I had to pass my exams. But when they were over, I never, I never let my grief out. It was like, once I put my grief in a box in the corner of my mind, so I could get through my exam, I couldn't get the box back. I couldn't....find the passion to grieve.

Does that make me a terrible person?

Perhaps it just makes me a frightened one.

I can't help that I love fictional characters. And I don't want to. I like that stories and the people in them mean something to me.

But I worry that I have so much trouble forming attachments in the real world. I've always been shy and awkward. I've always been uncertain as to my worth in the eyes of others. I'm...quirky. I just don't connect with many people. There are people occasionally that I want to connect with, but for whatever reason I don't manage to make a lasting connection. I am only ever on the peripheral of their lives.

I'm not really sure what to do with this epiphany. I'm trying very hard to not judge myself, to not label myself a coward.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Book Review...that Degenerated into a Rant...

2.5/5 Stars for by

Free kindle read. The story is far better than most free reads - the characters are well developed, the plot is interesting, and there are even some very mild sexy bits.

Overall I liked this, I mean, I read it for hours on end (like 16 hours or so) because I couldn't put it down, I was enjoying the characters far too much.

I have one HUGE issue, and a few smaller ones though.

My largest issue is perhaps a spoiler, but I don't really think so. The author keeps mentioning the time the heroine and hero "accidentally had sex". Now, first off, you can't just accidentally have sex, what, did she fall on his cock?? Second, THIS NEVER HAPPENED!! It's mentioned a few times throughout, but finally close to the end you learn it happened her first night in the mansion. I went back and re-read it thinking I might have swiped too many times and passed pages without realizing. Nope. It NEVER HAPPENED.

Clearly there was an edit at some point and the author didn't bother to go back through the rest of the book to make sure the deleted scene wasn't mentioned. To me, it's a big deal because the KEEP mentioning it, and base other decisions/feelings on it. Edit people!! EDIT!

Okay, second issue, related to the first, and more SPOILER. So don't read if you don't want to know!