Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I'm Really Feeling the Pressure Now

It's coming down to the wire, as they say.

I still have to bake the cakes.
And frost them.
I need to pick a menu and wines.
I need to do a bit of sewing on my dress.
Hell, I need to get thread that matches my dress still!
And somehow get my dress to Toronto unharmed.  No clue how I'm going to manage it.
I have to finish choosing reception music and burn the CDs.
I have to finish putting together the Wedding Programs. Just finished!! YAY!
I have to knit at least one more Octopus.
I need to rope my guests aka friends and family into working my wedding, just a bit.
I have to decide if I'm doing centre pieces. -- I even have the catering manager saying I need something now. o.0
I have to figure out what I'm doing for a bouquet!
I have to make my bouquet and a few boutonnières.
Oh! And I have to pick up Chris' suit from being tailored!
And iron his shirt... I promised...


And somehow I have to do all this in.....under 11 days.  Battling nasty headaches, insane nausea, and all the other crap FMS is throwing at me lately.

Gods grieve me a monkey....

I just don't know how I'm going to get it all done!  I totally should have got Chris to take more time off to help me. Bah. Bah, I say!

A Complaint Sent to Addition-Elle Headquaters

For some reason I feel the desire to share this...

I'm a pretty loyal Addition-elle customer. I've been shopping at your store since I was about 15-16 years old. I'm now 31.
Like all larger woman, I've gone up and down in size over the years. Due to health reasons, I've sadly gone up again. I'm now a size XX(I'm so not sharing this with the internet!), sometimes tall, sometimes regular length, depending on the style.
A few weekends ago I went into your Toronto store looking to buy a new pair of pants. I desperately needed a pair that fit. I'd looked on your website, and you had LOTS of styles that went up to my size, so I was in high hopes I'd find something.
I looked at EVERY SINGE PAIR of pants in your Toronto 'flagship' store, and found ZERO, that's right, ZERO pairs of pants in my size and length. There was ONE pair of XX size Tall jeans, but they were about two inches too long for me. 85% of the pants in the store were size 18 and under. There were only a handful of pants above that. I felt so dejected. I mean, if I can't find pants at a store that claims to be for plus size women, where the hell am I going to find clothes to fit me?! If Addittion-elle is telling me that 14-18 is plus size, what the heck am I? I felt so alone and alienated, and betrayed really. Addition-elle, over the years, has been the only store where I didn't feel like a freak for being so large, and now to learn your Toronto store no longer stocks my size?? Heartbreaking! I nearly cried.
Also, I need to say, I spent about an hour in your store searching the racks, and NOT ONE SINGE EMPLOYEE came up to me and asked me if I needed help. I stood in front of the dressing rooms for 15 minutes waiting to be let in to try on the pants that were one size down from my size (all I could find) that I'd picked out in desperation, and NO ONE even looked my way. I ended up letting myself in!
I, thankfully, grew up in Hamilton and knew about your Addition-elle/Penningtons superstore on Queenston road - my all time favourite store to shop in. I went all the way to Hamilton, a two hour trip one way to the store for me, thank you very much, to find pants. There I found MANY pairs of pants in my size. I found helpful employees that asked if I needed help, started me a room, checked up on me, and encouraged me to tell you my story. I ended up buying a whole outfit, that looks great, and made me feel good about myself again. More of your stores should be like the Queenston Rd Store! They have a wonderful selection of sizes, and employees that genuinely care about  their customers and the good name of your store/brand.

Melissa Hazelton

Friday, September 24, 2010

Wedding Bouquet Doubts

Since having my Bridal Photo session - which went wonderfully - I've been doubting my original plan for a wedding bouquet. *sigh*

I wanted to do something simple, in red roses, because those are the ones that call to me. Something like this:

I've bought this large crystal buttons to go between the roses and some smaller crystals from a bead sore to add in the centre of the flowers.

But..... When I had my photo session yesterday, Judy surprised me with a bouquet made by a florist friend of hers. It was fabulous!  Red roses with green and white orchids, pink-ish tiny flowers, golden gerbers, this deep red fuzzy flower, lots of green leaves, ivy, and little apples for pete's sake!! Oh, and there was a calla lilly in the centre that was orange tinged with red.  Perfect colour for the bouquet.  Altogether it had a very fall feeling, and totally complimented my red dress!  In fact, the red roses were the colour of my dress!

It was heavy though. OMG. I really don't want my wedding day one to be that heavy!  It was straining my arms! lol.  Clearly I need to go to the gym, but I kid you not it weighed more than my macbook(which is 7 pounds)!!

So after seeing the teaser photo Judy posted on facebook yesterday of my dress with the bouquet, I'm re-thinking my plan.  Judy also told me that her florist friend recommended against the red red roses I love because they are the colour of my dress, and this will just blend into my dress in photos.  *sigh*

Seeing the roses yesterday, in person and in the photo with my dress I know she's right.  I hate it though.  I was hoping the crystals would be enough to bring out the bouquet and make it a separate thing, but I think instead the crystals will just swim in a sea of red.  NOT what I want.

I've looked at black magic roses, which are darker, on the recommendation of said florist, but they are too dark for my liking.  This is a bouquet that uses them, and black-red calla lillies.  I like it on it's own. I like it for a bride in white, but with me in red, and my now dark red hair, I worry it's just too much dark.  Especially with me being so damn pale!

I'm torn between something very simple, and something full of fall colours and flowers.  I know both will look good, but I keep coming back to our theme, or rather non-theme.

We aren't decorating the banquet hall we are having the wedding at - it looks great as is frankly.  It has dark wooden walls, modern photos hanging, awesome modern chandeliers - it has a very European/urban/modern feel to it. It's very us.  Like a ritzier version of us.  The tables will be set with white table cloths, with black ones over top diagonally. Very modern. Very simple. Very timeless.  And that's me.... I always dress in a "classic style", as in, I don't go in for trendy stuff often, and I can't be bothered with fashion, and just want to look nice.  I want that feel for the wedding.  Honestly, I originally wanted a fall theme, but that's just way more work than I'm willing to put in or ask my guests to help me put in.

So, I want my flowers to fit into this modern, simple, timeless theme.  I want to be able to use the crystals I bought damnit! I spent like $20 on them! Shhh.. Chris will have a fit I'm sure.  But I love them, and I think they could totally work in another bouquet... I just don't know what exactly to do.

I've been looking at white bouquets, and all the ones I love have fiddlehead ferns in them, but can I find fiddlehead ferns in the wholesale flower shops I was hoping to get my flowers from? Noooooo!  I can't even seem to find any mention of them on the websites of local florists.  WTH Toronto!!

I love this:

And this:

Honestly, I love the first one the best, it's so eclectic! And bright and dark and fresh!  I honestly would not be able to do that myself though, and I really really want to do my own flowers damnit.

The third one I could totally do, if I could find some damn fiddle heads.  I would use more white and cream roses. I could add my crystals to them and it would look very nice I think. There's hydrangea in there, I could do that, I think I would also like to add some mums maybe, and a few dahlias.  If I couldn't find fiddle heads, and it wasn't a deal breaker for me - right now I'm not sure if it is or not - I could add some dark wheat stalks as a contrast piece, I saw them at the local florists.  I could even add some dark branch limbs, maybe...

I do love fall bouquets though. *sigh*  The bright sunflowers, the dahlias, the mums, the fuzzy flowers (whose name I don't know) that comes in such deep colours, the ornamental cabbages!!  Oh I love those!  But they open a can of worms, so to speak, that I'm not really sure I want to open. I love fall colours, I love fall leaves, I love  mini gourds and little pumpkins! Omg, so cute!  So if I had a fall bouquet I'd want to incorporate fall colours even more. I'd want fake (or real) leaves for the tables. I'd want mini gourds, and tiny pumpkins, possibly in vases, possibly just strewn about the tables.  I'd want orange, red and yellow everything!  I know me.

It would make me happy, but it would cost.  It would also ruin the modern/timeless theme we have going on that we didn't have to even work for! I like that.  I have fibro.  I have very limited energy.  I'm likley going to spend the next week struggling to get my cakes baked(a task that even I could do in a day normally) because I over-extended myself this week.  *sigh*  I really don't need to add more to my plate.

Judy gave me her florist friends email.  Judy said I should contact her and tell her what my budget is and see what she can do for me. She even offered to pick up my bouquet on her way to the wedding! How nice is that?!  Judy is awesome, seriously.

Part of me wonders if she just doesn't think I can do it.  She said it was one less thing to stress about.  But you know, I haven't really stressed about the flowers, until now.  I new what I wanted, and that was that. Now I'm re-thinking. I'm not stressed, I don't think. I have a few weeks, I'm just undecided.  I love flowers though. I'd really like to try my hand at a bouquet.  I don't have anything else planned for the 9th.  I don't think it will tax me too much...

Since I don't actually remember sharing, I thought this would be the perfect place to show off the bouquet I did end up making. I think my fall themed flowers went great with my red dress. I cannot express how much I loved my bouquet.

Bride before Wedding
Notice the crystal fiddlehead ferns, the pine cones, wheat, and large crystals interspersed with the flowers.

Chris holding my Bouquet
Husband holding bouquet. Notice the bling. I bought an M done in crystals and attached it with black ribbon to the ribbon around the base of the bouquet.

 Melissa + Chris
I had red roses, white roses, sunflowers, ornamental cabbage, and bright green miniature mums. Colourful, fall themed, sparkly, and so very perfect with my amazing red silk dress! And I made it myself in an hour or two the day before our wedding.
Judy keeps telling me I should get a pro to do my make-up.  I'm not sure if it's because she's such a traditionalist, or if she thinks I do my own badly -- that's my biggest worry.  I don't have much experience doing make up, it's entirely possible I don't do a very good job.  But when I see what I've done, I like how it looks, mostly.  I wish I could manage the foundation lighter, but otherwise I think I look good. The foundation isn't caked on, it's just... it feels like my skin is hiding, and I like my skin, other than the damn spider veins I'm getting, and I don't like hiding it, flaws and all.

Maybe I'm just more of a hippie than I ever dreamed I could be??

I seem to look okay in the pictures from our photo sessions though.  I don't know if Judy had to really photoshop me or what, but I seem to look fine... Here is an example I found quickly (one of my favourite from the session):

Kissing in the Park

I look fine right??

*Sigh*  I hate being so damn undecided! Bah! BAH I say!

Saturday, September 18, 2010


It's taken a week to get my beloved macbook back, but I have it! :D

I really really have missed it!  though I've not missed working on wedding crap. I really wish it was just all over.  I'm so very done with it all. *sigh*

But if I don't do it no one will, and having silence at my reception it just more than I can bare.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Weird, yet telling dream

I always have weird dreams, perhaps I should stop prefacing my tellings with a statement of oddity?

Anyway! To the dream!

I've been dreaming of home lately. I'm not exactly sure why, but there it is. And when I do dream of home, home is always my parents house. Partly, I'm sure because that was my childhood, it was my home for 30 years of my life, and I'm just now trying to deal with the fact that it's not my home anymore. I'm always welcome there, I always will be, but it's not my home. I know too, that part of why I always dream of my parents house as home is because. although I've lived here for over a year, and Chris tries to make me feel like this is my home too, in my heart, this isn't my home. It's Chris place, not mine, I just live here. Does that make any sense? I don't feel like a squatter exactly, but... this isn't mine. My clothes live here, and some of my books, but all my furniture, all my yarn, all my accoutrements of home don't live here. They are packed away in my parents attic. So when I dream, I dream of my parents home, with my old room intact, when I had a place that felt like my own.

this time I dreamt that my family was going on a picnic. My uncle Russell and his family were at the house, helping my parents pack stuff in the van, they were going along you see. I'm not sure how much of my family was going. I think perhaps it was the once annual family picnic at Bing Park. We haven't done that in the past few summers, mostly because it's a)hard to arrange that many people to be someplace all at the same time, and b) the weather has been pretty shitty/unpredictable. Anyway, family picnic. I don't think Chris and I were going, though I don't know why. It just felt like they were leaving us behind for some reason.,,

Dreams don't have to make sense! Carrying on!

My Uncle Russell chided... someone? Maybe his daughter to hurry up. He said that even Neda who was notoriously always late was ready and waiting. "Neda?!" I thought, surely I must have heard him wrong. When I asked him what he meant, he said Neda was sitting outside in one of the patio chairs, waiting,

I ran out the door, flabbergasted, hopeful and angry. Neda was in South Korea, or Australia. She wasn't coming home, ever, not even to visit! And yet, there she was, sitting in one of mom and pa's lovely brown patio chairs, smiling, and looking quite at home.

I wanted to hug her. I wanted to slap her! She'd been home for gods knows how long, but she never bothered to call me?! Never bothered to answer, not one of the many messages I'd sent her?! Too good for me, she was. And yet here she sat, thinking how happy I would be, thinking I would welcome her with open arms. Think her so clever for surprising me.

Yeah. Not going to happen. I screamed at her "You bitch! You could have CALLED!" Then stormed into the house. Neda followed me, smiling even bigger, thinking I was just teasing her, thinking my anger was momentary.

Neda picked up a dish towel on the counter and started slinging it towards me in a playful manner. I don't remember what she said... something light, playful, teasing, very Neda. She likely punned at me. She's very punny. I, however, was not amused. I got another dish towel from the rack, and tried to thwack her with it, in earnest.

I started yelling about how upset I was. She abandoned me! She abandoned us!! She left everyone she knew, everyone that loved her, and went off in search of adventure. She didn't even have the decency to be honest with any on us, or at least with me about her future plans!! She made me think she was coming home, at least for a visit! I thought I might actually get to celebrate my wedding, my marriage, with her! But nooo! I'm not good enough! Of course she'd never come back for meeee I'm not important enough to bring her back here. Not to boring old Canada. Hell, I'm not even important enough to get to know the truth, to get to know her plans! And she thinks she can just show up whenever she pleases and I'll just welcome her back with open arms?? It will be like it was before she left?? That we'll be the best of friends?! That we'll be friends at all?! NO! No I tell you! I won't have it!

At this point I stormed off. The whole house was in an uproar. I was ready to cry, I was falling apart, and I just wanted to be alone. As I was walking down the hall, Christine, a friend of Chris and I's from Toronto, came in the front door. She was walking like she had a purpose. like she was late, with her usual big black bag that she kept her laptops in. I wanted to hug her, I was so relieved to see her, though I'm not sure why, we aren't actually close in real life, or my dream for that matter. Chris and Neda were both hot on my heels, so I forgo-ed hugging Christine and darted into the bathroom I managed to just get in and lock the door before my pursuers caught up to me. Neda wanted to 'explain', Chris just wanted to see if I was all right. I didn't want to deal with either of them. Of course I wasn't all right.

Chris and Neda started arguing, likely over who got to pick the lock. There was shuffling, and bumping, and groaning, and a female moan - in my mind I pictured Chris' bony elbow hitting Neda in the nose. (Yes, I realise neither of them would behave this way, it was a dream.) I was angry with Neda, I wasn't sure I wanted to be her friend anymore, hell, I wasn't sure she was my friend - how can you be friends when you are worlds away and you never talk?? But I didn't want her hurt. I didn't want either of them hurt. I opened the door. Neda was holding her face and Chris was looking angry, worried, and sad.

We all trooped back into the kitchen, the heart of my former home. Neda sat down, and I got her an ice back from the freezer and a tea towel to wrap it in. She looked at me, surprised and wary. I guess I deserved that. Whatever. I gave her the icepack and sat down with Chris on the other side of the room. I sighed, looked at Neda forlornly and tired to figure out how to deal with the situation like an adult.

The dream ends or fades there.

I still don't know how to deal with the situation like an adult. In my heart I'm not really much of an adult. I feel hurt and betrayed and abandoned. I want to hope she'll come home some day and I can have my best friend back, but the logical part of my brain knows she's probably never coming back. And even if she did.... Well who's to say she'd make any effort to be my friend? She's not made any in almost a year, what makes me think she'd start then. I know I need to get over the loss of no longer having a best friend. I know I need to grow up and realise grown-ups just don't get to have that. Best friends are things children have. When you grow up you date, and get married, and the myth is, your husband(for those that have husbands) is supposed to be your best friend. Only.... Mine isn't, or won't be. Sure I love Chris, I love him very much, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, but my best friend he ain't and never will be.


I wish I was better at making friends. I wish I was better at fostering relationships... I know I'll never had what I did with Neda. I know I'll never have a group of friends as close, as trusted, and as loved as 'the gang'. I know I'll never get to feel so loved, and accepted as I did when we were all the best of friends. But I also know it's possible to have something else, something similar. Don't get me wrong. I do have friends. And they are very nice. I like them quite a lot. But we aren't close. Our relationships aren't the type where I feel comfortable asking for favours... I don't feel like I can call them up and say, hey, let's hang out. Hell, I'm not even sure I have any of their numbers. I know Chris has a few on his cell phone, but I don't have them. What I mean is, we have them because we have previously arranged to meet them, or been invited to parities at their places, but it wasn't like they gave them to me/us saying, hey call me some time, we should hang out.

I'm the kind of person you're happy to see at a party. You think I'm sweet, or nice or whatever, but I'm not the type of person most people think, 'hey, I want to hang out with her'. I'm just not that interesting. I don't work. I don't have job stories; I can't even relate to a lot of them because it's been so long since I have worked. I'm chronically ill, chronically in pain, this makes me pretty much a huge downer, and I know it. I'm not well read. I'm not up on current events or politics - I don't read the news, it depresses me. So I can't even carry on simple chit chat half the time. So it's not like I blame people... I just.... *sigh* I wish I didn't feel so isolated and... starved for female companionship.

I get snuggles from Chris. We talk to each other and all. But, ask him for his opinion, on just about anything I'd normally want/need one on, and he's clueless. Half the time he gets fed up and angry that I even ask. I'm trying to learn not to ask, or at least preface my talking with the knowledge I won't get an opinion but sometimes talking it out helps. And talking it out to myself, when I'm alone in a room, is just too close to crazy for me to do. I really miss chick time, cause women, we find a way to give feedback. I miss so very much being able to ask for feedback, even on simple things.

I think if it wasn't for Offbeat Bride and their community site, I would have gone crazy trying to plan our wedding! I'm just not used to making decisions based on opinion without getting at least some feedback from another person!

Though it's been literally years since I've had a shopping partner, I still miss having someone there. I've learned to shop on my own, all grown-ups have to, but it's just nice to have someone there to be the voice of reason, the voice of style, someone that knows you, who, unlike the clerk, isn't trying to sell you something, ya know? Men don't know... it's a chick thing to shop in groups. It's how we're socialized. And damnit, I miss it. I miss having friends, real friends.... *sigh*

Fibromyalgia Sucks!

I know, That's^^ a pretty damn obvious statement to anyone who knows what it is. But today I guess I'm just extra frustrated.

Nausea and pain seem to come hand in hand these days. Though today the nausea came first. Not 3 minutes later the pain came. Stupid headache that spreads it's tentacles down my neck and shoulders. I'm sure it's tension. I get the same fucking headache almost every day.... for the past two days at least it's been at almost exactly the same time. Really really odd that. I have no idea why.

Together the pain and the nausea are pretty crippling. I loose all my patience because of the pain, and I lose any gumption I may have mustered (on any given day) when the nausea hits. Right now I really want to just curl up in a ball and be unconscious. :(

I hate being this useless. I hate being so fucking crippled by a syndrome. Fucking fibro. It sucks I tell you.

If I take something for the pain, and it helps (always questionable), then the nausea will likely ease, but what to take? These days tylenol 2s are actually helping again, but I don't want to waste their usefulness on every piddling headache, I save it for the ones that make me feel like I'm going to loose what shred of sanity I have left. Ibuprofen doesn't seem to help anymore, so there isn't really anything else left to me. I mean, I could try it, or the robax platinum I have, but that only worked very marginally to begin with. It hasn't actually helped in months. :(

I just feel so very alone in it all. Fibro doesn't present in a way anyone can see and it makes me feel like no one really believes me. That people just think I'm lazy or unambitious or just plain a waste of space. I feel like a waste of space! And it's actually true, I'm not ambitious! But I would love to be able to work a regular full time job, be useful, make money, contribute to our little family in an actually meaningful way. But it's just not in the cards for me right now. And realistically, it may never be in the cards. I fully realise I'm likely going to be the reason we don't/can't afford the house Chris wants to very much. Without income from me, I just don't think we can swing it. Not in this city. *sigh* I feel the weight of my failure. And I see the looks of disbelief and judgment, even from those that I thought would understand. :(

Chris is great. I should say. He's more than great, he's amazing. He's actually okay with me not working if I can't. He just wants me to be happy and to get healthy, or at least as healthy as I can. He well and truly is just happy to have me around! How
is that?! I have no idea how I lucked out so utterly, but I'm really really glad I did!

Still. I feel useless. I am useless. And I hate it...though not enough to 'soldier through' and force myself to do things when I feel like I'm going to vomit, or my head is going to fall off.

I have to say, my iq/intelligence really drops when I'm in this much pain. It's so damn hard to think. and in many ways I loose my patience to even try to think things through. I can't read more than a few short sentences with loosing all patience with whatever I'm reading. Never mind how hard it becomes to grasp what I'm reading. I really don't like feeling stupid. But the pain makes me even more vapid than I normally am. *sigh*

I know, I know, pity party, it doesn't do anyone any good. I'm just not strong like some people. I can't endure like I used to. I don't have the strength, the determination, or the endurance. It all feels so damn hopeless to me. I"m never going to be that person again, and if I don't manage that,t hen I'm never going to manage the gumption needed to dig myself out of this damn hole I'm in. Bah. Bah, I say.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I miss my baby*!!

I really really miss my laptop! I didn't think I'd miss it this much! This is a bit ridiculous! I miss my files! I miss my music! I miss my bookmarks! I miss my keayboard! I miss sitting wherever I damn well please! I miss not having painful dark purple bruises on my thighs from this damn ikea chair!

I want to be sitting on our soft, wonderful bed, curled up in blankets, cuddling my teddy bear, not straining my back, wrists and legs sitting at this table in this chair!

OMG, I want my macbook back! I sure as hell hope they are done with it soon damnit!

It's five days as of Thursday, which it now is. I really hope they call me sometime tomorrow (as in today, but after I sleep), to tell me it's done and I can come and get it!

Patience may be a virtue, but it's not high on my list of priorities right now!

* baby = Macbook

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Very Cool Random Internet Finds

First, I must share this cake Chris found somewhere in his travels on the interwebs. It's a 200 lb Octopus Cake.

Giant Octopus Cake

I love this cake soooooo hard!! I don't think I'd want to eat it, 200 lbs, how much fondant did they use?! But I would so love a. say. clay version of this for our future coffee table! I think it's the coolest thing! Seriously! I mean, just LOOK at it!

Second, in searching for pictures of tiara's I like to give to a friend as inspiration for the tiara she's making for me for my wedding, I found this:

How cool is that?! I think it's sooo pretty, though not pretty enough to pay $640 USD for it! o.0 I would love to make something like it though! It's totally inspiring! If I'd found it with more time before I needed my tiara, I might have tried to source those pendanty bits and asked Shasta if she could work some magic in that kind of vibe.

Oh well. I'm sure whatever Shasta does come up with will be awesome. :) I'm really thrilled she's going to have time to make me something! yay! Hopefully I can get the bits she needs while I'm out tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Here he is in all his knitted glory!!

Purple octupus

I just love him! Love love love him! I really hope I can make many more, but we'll see what actually gets done. I am one tentacle into the next octopus however.

I think the purple one will always be my favourite though, as I love the colours.. But I'm sure I will love my other octupuses just as well, in different ways.

He's not very big, but any bigger and I'd never get them done in time for the wedding, it's iffy at best as it is. I think he's just the right size to be an easy project, and totally cute! :D

Here's a picture to give you the idea of his scale:


Yes, he's sitting on top of the DVD case to Persuasion. I was watching it while I was finishing him.

Friday, September 10, 2010

It's done! It's done! It's done!!!!!

Last August I started knitting a shawl, that I was hoping to use at my wedding -- this before he even asked me!!

There have been starts and stops, tears, cursing, frogging, figuring, fudging, fixing... And now, it's done!!!!!!!

Shawl! Finally Done!

Side Detail
Side Detail

Corner Detail
Corner Detail

I'm just so damn proud of this! It's by far the hardest thing I've ever attempted, never mind finished!

Folded Shawl

It's just so... fantastic!! YAY!!!!!

One Month Away!!!

One month from now I'll be at our wedding reception enjoying the delicious buffet lunch with my closest family. I'll be married!!! OMG!

There is still SO much to do. It feels like an insane amount of stuff left to do. I made myself another To Do list, and it's two and a half pages long!! Jesus! I'm not sure how I'm going to get it all done, to be honest.

I'm trying to figure out if there is anything I can pass on to Chris to do. Sadly, all I can think of currently is getting him to help me fold and put together the Wedding Programs. Once he finally picks a reading and writes his damn thank you.

I feel like I really have to be on his ass every day just to get him to do the parts he said he wanted to do! I'm terrified to give him anything else to do because I worry it's only going to end up in more work for me having to nag him to actually DO IT. Then I'm sure I'll just get frustrated and worried, and end up doing it all myself anyway. So what's the point, ya know?

I'd get him to help with the music CD burning, but all the music is on my machine, as are the playlists, so really I kinda need to do it. Though I suppose I could get him to babysit it for me while I did other things. Though that's going to have to wait as my beloved MacBook needs repairs and they finally have the part in, so I'm taking it in in the morning. OMG, I'm going to miss my baby sooo badly!

Perhaps I'll get him to book the hotel room. That will take one thing off my plate...

I was going to make myself a bracelet, but I'm kinda scrapping that idea in favor of octopuses. I'm hoping it will be plural anyway. They are fun to knit, and stress free! Right now I totally need some of that. :)

There's actually 7 things on my list that are either for Chris to do or something he can help with! That makes me feel mildly better. Now I just have to try not to drive him crazy pushing him to actually DO THEM.

To be fair, he did spend a good chunk of last night looking at wedding readings, and has a 'short list', so yay! Hopefully by the end of the weekend we will at least have two readings, and that will allow me to do/start other things on my list that are waiting on this.

I have a lot of lists/organizing left to do -- to make sure everything gets done that needs doing, and to make sure we actually take everything with us that we will need. I'm terrified I'm going to forget something! As long as I don't forget the marriage license, the wedding programs with the map to the picture location, and the cake, I think I'll be fine. Oh! And my bouquet and dress. And.. And..

Not thinking about it right now. I will only stress myself out. It will be fine. I'm a wonderful list maker and a very careful packer, it will be just fine.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

This is a rant.

I hate having things sprung on me. It doesn't really matter what they are, usually, I just hate it. I hate having no notice. I hate feeling rushed. I hate feeling like something has just been dropped on my shoulders and I have to make good, NOW. I do not deal with pressure well.

I have a tension headache, I'm angry, but I'm sure Chris would say, well at least you are up. Yeah, thank you very fucking much.

This morning, as he was leaving for work, Chris dropped the delightful bombshell on me that he'd invited a friend of his over for dinner tonight. The table is covered in crap - left over from the search for my beloved necklace yesterday, his clothes and bag are strewn all over the couch, his dirty laundry is in the bathroom, I've got clothes in a pile, hell ALL my clothes are on display in clear bins that aren't under the bed as my shawl is blocking under there, but yeah, lets have guests over?!? Not to even mention the fucking disaster in the kitchen! It would serve him bloody well right if I just left everything right where it was!

But I can't. And I hate myself for it. I'm a woman. I feel the pressures women feel. Even if I did work, I'd still feel like it was my obligation, and not his to keep this place neat and tidy. But I don't work. I'm a kept woman, so the pressure is doubly there, though, it feels more like triple. I don't work, so what do I do with myself, I must keep a clean home, I mean, what else is there for me to do? I need to contribute in some way. Right? I know that's what everyone expects of me. Feminist or not, no matter now forward thinking you think you are, if you were raised in this society, it's been ingrained in you that it's a woman's place to keep the home.

Fuck. And if you don't work, as a woman, you are like the lowest form of human. Pity and disgust are the most often reactions, usually waring in my judges - working, self-sufficient people. I must be an awful good maid/cook/personal gofer, or why would anyone keep me? Not a lot of respect. None most of the time. The worst part is, I spent over a year looking for work, only to realise, I wasn't capable of holding a job, even if I managed to get one. My health is not that good. Fucking fibro sucks the life right out of me.

I'm better now than I was then, but I still couldn't do it. I couldn't do 8 hours or more a day 5 days a week. I don't have the energy. Even if it was a desk job! I couldn't. I would burn out in a month and spend the next month bedridden, exhausted, and in too much pain to get up and be useful, or to even sleep. I know. I tried working retail part time. I couldn't do it. After a month my feet were so sore I was limping and sobbing as I walked up/down stairs. I spent a month in bed off my feet. My feet throbbed, I iced my knees, I could get no rest, I barely slept - I was in too much pain for either. I do not want to go through that again!

But I've gone off topic...

This was about being sprung with company. My biggest issue is the place is a freaking mess, he's going off to work, and the assumption is I'm going to drop all my plans for today so I can play hostess to his guest, and clean everything up for him, like I always fucking do. I love him. I do. But I'm always the one cleaning up, and putting things away. I swear to the gods this man doesn't put a gods damn thing back in it's place! It drives me mad!

I've spent the morning cleaning up. The kitchen is still a disaster, the floors are still filthy, and now I have to get ready, because I have a fucking appointment this afternoon.

I'm so angry I'm seriously tempted to leave the rest of the mess, and just not be home tonight. He can fucking take care of it himself and entertain his own fucking guest. He said 7:30pm. Do you know how many times in the past two weeks Chris has even been home by 7:30pm?! Maybe twice. And he's on call until Thursday. Want to bet he's late today? And who is going to entertain his guest, this perfect stranger? Me. Yeah. Me.

Thanks for the fucking warning!

And I've told him!! I've told him I would hate to have a dinner guest sprung upon me the morning of! It happens in A&E's Pride & Prejudice!!! I was watching it just last week. We had a fucking conversation about it! I told him how I'd hate it. He didn't see the issue. Of course not. It's not his fucking responsibility to make sure the place is clean, neat, and tidy, to make sure it's ready to receive guests, it's not his responsibility to plan and prepare dinner. He just has to fucking show up. What does he care! Well, I fucking care!! I told him so!! It doesn't matter if he bloody well understands why I care! It matters that he know, he fucking knows I care!!

And yet he still springs a guest on me. He's known since Wednesday!!! He fucking invited him his gods damn self on Wednesday!! He could have said something over the weekend! He could have fucking said something before this morning!

He knew I had plans today!! He knew it. I told him last night! He's known since fucking Friday when I booked my appointment to take my beloved Mac in that I had things to do today!

And yet I'm supposed to drop my plans to I can take care of his. I know his answer would be that he didn't expect me to do that. But how the fuck am I supposed to clean this place AND get everything I want done as well?! He fucking knows I'm not a normal, healthy person. I don't have the same fucking energy he does. I can't DO as much. Fibro wears me out faster, and the more tired I get, the more I hurt. He knows. He sees me live it. And yet...


I have to go get ready or I'm going to be late. I'm so not impressed. I was hoping ranting would cool my anger, but it's still very much there.

And where the fuck am I going to put my clothes?!?!?!?!? I don't want some stranger looking at my underwear!!!!!!!! Bastard. Thanks for thinking of me!


Friday, September 3, 2010

Wedding To Do List Updated!

Awhile back I posted a Wedding To Do list, and while not a lot has changed, I have been making some progress I feel, and wanted to tick things off on my list here. I love ticking things off on lists. It brings me such joy. I just wish I could tick more of these off!

  1. Finish knitting shawl!! --- DONE!! Now I just need to block it. *Sigh*
  2. Make bracelet?
  3. Make cuff links for Chris --- DONE!
  4. Get Shasta to make/buy(?) head band

  5. Find cake pans! -- DONE! Using the ones I have instead
  6. Make test cake(will there be enough time now??) -- No Need. With change in cake pans, and IVORY(!!) food colouring from a friend I'm sure the cake will be fine.
  7. Get Shasta to make cake topper?
  8. Make wedding cake
  9. Do test bouquet & buttonholes -- no need for bouquet really, I'm sure it will be fine, but I need to know if the buttonhole will actually survive a day!
  10. Make wedding bouquet & buttonhole(s)

  11. Chris to write his 'thank you' for wedding program
  12. Finish designing/writing wedding programs -- MY part is DONE!
  13. Make wedding programs
  14. Buy 6x4" cards for guest book -- DONE
  15. Make sign/instructions for guest book -- DONE!
  16. Make container for guest book cards -- attempted, do not like attempt at all. :(
  17. Buy pens?? -- DONE

  18. Taste test menu options
  19. Pick menu for luncheon
  20. Pick wines - get help?

  21. Pick music for reception & make CDs
  22. Pick music for pre-ceremony time & make CD
  23. Get Chris to edit processional song
  24. Make ceremony music CD

  25. Pick & buy wedding bands
  26. Get marriage license! -- DONE!! :D

  27. Apply/pay for picture permit at Humber Arboretum -- DONE
  28. Pick Bridal picture day -- DONE
  29. Apply/pay for for picture permit at Gage Park

  30. Book hotel room with fridge for night before wedding ->ask about late check-out!
  31. Email hotel contact list of questions--room for cake?! -- DONE

  32. Chris to pick reading!!
  33. Send ceremony to officiant for approval!!

  34. Chris to get suit pants hemmed & jacket hemmed, if needed

I finally finished binding off my shawl last night! Squee! Now I have to block it, which means finding room in our tiny apartment to actually lay it out to dry. That's going to be a challenge I'm sure!

I printed the Guest Book cards, which worked better than I'd hoped! I've designed and printed the guest book instruction sign, it only needs now to be framed to be fully done. I'm waiting to get my hot glue gun out to finish that project. Hopefully today! I still need to make the box for the cards, but at least now I have all the materials I'll need. Well, except for glue, I ran out of glue stick working on the Wedding Programs. OMG, so much gluing!

I'm also working on putting together the Wedding Programs. I've cut and folded all the card stock for the covers, I've printed off the cover titles on the 4x6 cards, realised they were so thin you could see the cardstock through them! Then spent more time than I care to really admit, gluing a blank card to each printed card. Thank gods I only need like 40 of these! If it was more I'd go INSANE.

I've made up a list of pre-wedding music, and half finished a list of reception music. I want to get some more... different kinds of instrumentals in there, that Chris is supposed to get for me, so I'm just waiting on that. Then I'll burn the CDs.

I still need to call the Hamilton Parks And Rec people to ask them about permits. I feel it sucks I need a permit for just me and my photographer. And I might end up paying for a permit for two days in a row since we really need good weather to shoot in. Bah.

I still need to make a test cake, and it's truly freaking me out! I don't even have anything to put the damn cake on as of now. I really need a sturdy something to put it on as it's going to be heavy. I'm actually not sure what I'm going to do. I have a 12" square cake board but I'm positive it's not actually going to be sturdy enough to support the cake. It will be fine for the test cake I think, maybe? But I have visions of someone trying to lift the cake using the cake board and the damn thing just cracking and cake going everywhere. What I'd like is a 12" square piece of MDF I could paint and polyurethene - you know, because I don't have enough DIY projects! Maybe I'll call my mom and see if Pa would do that for me, and I'd pay for his materials....I don't mind paying! I just, can't actually get a 12" sq of MDF, nor do I have time to paint it.

Anyway! I've made progress. Real progress, I think. I'm actually at the point where I'm thinking of making a new list as I have other things on the go - crafts for a friend's bday party this weekend, and life crap - that I need it all in one place or I'm going to forget something! And it's likely going to be my taxes, cause, boy, I sure don't look forward to tackling them!