Friday, April 23, 2010

Fibro Flare Up

I think I'm flaring... Or maybe I'm just degenerating into a blob of pain and nausea??

I haven't been doing well with month, what with the tattoo and then infection, and then the antibiotics. I react badly to most antibiotics, this time, about an hour after taking them, I got a killer headache that lasted into the evening. It took me 4-5 days to realise it was the antibiotics. I get headaches all the time, that part is 'normal', but these were nasty sinus headaches, and timed.

All of that lead to me spending a lot of time in bed, reading, sleeping, writhing in pain, you get the idea.

Then this Tuesday I ran out of the new medication my doctor got me to try. I called to get a Rx sent to my pharmacy, but I was just too exhausted to go pick it up. So Wednesday morning I didn't have a dose... Boys oh boys did I feel that all day long. In fact I've been hurting like I was Wednesday morning ever since... I felt well enough yesterday afternoon to walk the 2.7km to the grocery store, but not to walk as fast as I could. Today I just want to curl up in a ball.

Wow. 2.7km. I didn't realise it was that far. Now I'm impressed I made it at all. I wasn't feeling energetic yesterday, but the sun was shining. The wind was cold though. That could actually be part of why I'm so sore today. My body just does not like being cold. I'm sure part of that is age, as Chris just pointed out to me, we aren't 13 anymore. But I think more than that, my FMS has really made me sensitive to the cold. Hrm. I think I'm going to go take a hot bath and see if that doesn't loosen up my stiff, sore muscles some.

Hopefully, maybe even tomorrow, I'll feel well enough to go to the gym. I want to start going again. I want to be more active. I want to not waste the money!! But more than that, I want to feel strong again. I want to have energy again! I know I need to loose weight, and I know, especially for me, being active is the key.

I don't want FMS to rule my world, sure it's going to colour it, I can't help that, but I want to have a say too damnit. *Sigh* I just don't know how to push through this whole body pain, the stiff neck, the killer headache, AND the nausea. I'm so not good with nausea. Or headaches with sharp pain. It almost feels like there's a spike in my forehead. Does someone have a voodoo doll of me out there??? Could ya cut out the stabbing?! Please??

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I'm so ashamed! And so sore! Ugh.

So I finally realised Tuesday after my shower, that something really was wrong, and it couldn't just be my firbo fucking with me. *sigh* Hot, swollen, gooey...Infection. Bleck. I called my dr, got at appointment for the next morning, and made my way to Hamilton. Sure, I could have spent 4 hours or more at a clinic, seen a dr that doesn't know me, or all the drugs I'm allergic to, but then I'd just have antibiotics that would make me very sick, possibly too sick to even keep them down. No, I'd much rather make the trip and see my own doctor. Besides, it gave me a chance to see my parents for a bit, and they appreciated that. My mom misses me I think, bless her heart.

I started treatment yesterday. I'm sure in a few days I'll have a yeast infection, and a few days after that I'm sure I'll have thrush. I fucking hate yeast. I really really do. I wish there was some way I could just get rid of them, but there isn't. *sigh* At least not that I know of anyway. boo-urns.

I'm also really embarrassed by the whole situation. First, that I was too prideful, too damn stubborn to admit I could have fucked up and got my tattoo infected. I would almost say I was too quick to blame the fibro, but fibro just loves to fuck with my skin and my pain responses, so really, I don't blame myself for thinking that's what was going on. Still. Infected. Damnit.

The only thing I can think of, is that very first night, I didn't tape down the very bottom of one side of the bandage more. I'd thought of it, but then I thought my undies would hold it down. They didn't. When I woke up the bandage had lifted, and the skin where the infection is was all tender and oozing. Granted the whole tattoo was pretty damn tender and bits were oozing as well, tender bits that had been worked more than they could take. I thought that's what had happened to the area I now know was/is infected. *sigh*

I can't really blame myself for not knowing the signs of infection from the signs of a pissed off tattoo. The whole damn thing was sore and swollen for the first few days! It was bruised. About day 4 I say the tell tail sickly yellow-greenish colour of a healing bruise at the top of one part of the tattoo. I just thought the bruise under the flower was bigger/angrier. Boy was I wrong!

I feel like a git. I should know better! I've healed almost a dozen tattoo sessions and NEVER, not once did I get an infection! They all healed really well damnit. And this time, this time when it hurt more than I can put into words, this is the time I get an infection. *sigh* It's my fault. I should have tapped the bandage down. I should have known sooner what was going on....before colour lifted and turned my skin into a scarred mess. *pouts*

Fuck, how am I going to tell Rick? So ashamed... I could just kick myself.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I should never have tried to get my hip tattoo 'fixed'. I was so much better off when it was at least whole. Now I just have a painful, ugly, mess.


WTF am I supposed to do now?!? Even if Rick agrees to try and touch it up, which I almost doubt, what good will it do?? I have no faith that it will heal any better a second time.


I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

Fibro has stolen so much from me, but this, this is just unbearable.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Tattoo Healing, or rather Not Healing

I don't think I can do this again. I really don't. It shouldn't hurt this badly. My skin, the skin around the edge of one side of the tattoo feels like it's on fire. Like, literally, burning in the flames, the air hurts, on fire. It's hot, and so tender, and OW. I've never had a tattoo act like this. I've never been so fucking sensitive. I think the fibro is just totally fucking with me.

I was in the shower today, washing the tattoo, just with my hand and some non-sented hypo-allergenic soap, and this huge piece of...I don't know what just came off on my fingers. It was green and shaded. Clearly it'd come from the lily pad. It had a bit of goo out the outside, not that I was surprised as it's been lymphing for almost a week straight now, and it was very solid feeling, like it was a piece of flesh that I'd lost, which, honestly maybe it was. When I got out of the shower, I looked at my tattoo, and wouldn't you know it, part of the lily pad looks like a fucking blow torch was taken to it. Some of the colour was just gone! Now, this was a cover-up. The damn lily pad was already there. And now... now it's not.

what. the. fuck.

I'm so freaked out. So so so freaked out. What if I can't heal a tattoo anymore? What if what's left of the scabs just lift all the colour right out? What then? What do I fucking do? Do I get Rick to try again? I mean, how can I possibly leave it? It will look worse than awful. It will look like someone took fucking acid to my skin!! But what if I just can't heal it?? I mean, even after I sit through, and endure what I'm sure will be excruciating pain of a touch up, what if, even then it heals like acid scars?? What do I do??????

I'm so...disheartened. All that pain... All that pain for nothing. For worse than nothing. I've lost something I already had. It was just sort of a crappy, awkward tattoo, not good, but not that bad. But now..... Now I'm going to have an acid scarred tattoo, with white blotches, and skin that's healed so poorly it's ugly all on it's own. *sobs*

I love tattoos! I was so very much hoping to get more. I wanted to get a back piece some day. I wanted another thigh piece on the left to balance out the right. I wanted to get cute little sparrows for my mom, and roses for my Pa. I wanted a Cheshire Cat's smile so I could carry a bit of one of my best friends around with me always. Hell, I was even thinking of getting a 'fuck you fibro/I can fight this' tattoo.

But apparently I can't. I can't fight this at all. It's kicking my ass and I'm loosing yet more of my life, yet more of myself.

I feel beaten and broken. I am beaten and broken. The red hot swollen skin, and the disaster of a tattoo say that better than anything else.

I just want to cry. But I'm actually too sad, too lost. I hate that fibro has stolen this from me too. I've wanted another tattoo for years now. Wanted it so badly. It never even occurred to me that I just couldn't do it, that my body would betray me like this. I'm so.....angry. Fucking fibro.

I can't do anything. I can't work, I'm way too sore and I have so little energy that it's just not possible. Fuck, I consider it a good when I have enough energy to go to the gym or to go get groceries. OR. That's right, I can't fucking do both in one day. It's too much. My body won't let me. I'm a fucking useless cripple. I can't even remotely be who I want to be. Fuck I hate this. I hate what my life has become and how fucking little control I have over all of it.

I hate this. I just hate it. I'm fucking powerless to make any kind of real fucking change. I'm at the fucking whim of a gods damn 'syndrome' that doctors like to argue about whether it fucking exists or not. Gr. At least my doctor thinks it does, though it doesn't do me much good. I still hurt. I'm still exhausted all the time. I'm still fucking useless.

Fuck I hate this so much. So so much.


Can't. fucking. SLEEP.

I'm tired. I'm sore. My eyes are killing me! I want to rest, gods fucking damnit, and I can't fucking sleep in. I can't even manage to nap when I'm so fucking tired, my temperature drops and I start shaking. Seriously. WTF.

6-8 hours is just not enough for me!!! I need lots of sleep damnit. And why do my eyes feel like I've been reading for 14 hours?! I just woke up. I slept for... seven hours, which, for the record, since turning 25 has not even been close to enough sleep! Fuck. But still, my eyes shouldn't hurt like this.

My tattoo is still trying to heal. I can't really tell if the new drug is helping with pain; it sure as hell isn't with the tattoo pain. I hurt. My hips are killing me. My right shoulder is screaming; I've been resting on it too much. My ear is so sore from only laying on my right side, that the pain is actually distracting in my every day life when there is no pressure on it. Fuck it hurts. I've never had this much trouble trying to heal a tattoo in my life! It's covered in such thick scabs I'm honestly wondering if any of the colour is going to stick. And I scrubbed the damn thing. I swear I did. I even scraped some of the good off. But it just kept oozing, for like, two days. It's still fucking oozing in one spot!!! And the pain's incredible. Seriously. I've never had a tattoo hurt so badly when it was healing. Just laying there, with nothing touching it, it will randomly start to hurt so badly I want to scream! What. The. Fuck.

I fucking hate you, Fibro. You are fucking with my life. I can't do the things I love anymore. Not just the tattooing, but things like going for a walk, being able to do more than one damn thing in a day. My body just can't take it. It's so not fair. I'm so angry. Okay, it doesn't help I've not had a good night's sleep in a week, or a decent nap in that time either. I'm sleep deprived, sore, and fucking grumpy as hell.

But still. Fibro, fuck you, and the horse you rode in on. Gr.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

New Tattoo!!

So yesterday afternoon I got my first tattoo in two years. I've been wanting to get something done for just forever, but what with the not working, and living off the kindness of my man, I just couldn't rationalize the expense.

I started saving my 'allowance', and when I had what I hoped would be almost enough, I went in and booked an appointment. Though I only had to wait a month (with Rick that's really good), it felt like freaking forever.

I have a fairy, well really, it's a pixie, she has pixie wings, and a water lily on my left hip. They didn't really go together, they just sort of sat there, all awkward like. The lines on the lily just never healed right and looked all scratchy and bleck. I almost never heal grey right, unless Rick does it. I've got other tattoos where grey just lifted right out, it's weird.

So anyway, I gave poor Rick the task of figuring out what to do with it to make it look like one piece, and not be so freaking awkward and bleck. At least I gave him free reign. I didn't care what he did, as long as it looked better. I trust him. He's very good at what he does. And I wasn't disappointed, I have to say! It looks soooooo much better!

It's been awhile since I've been tattooed. Maybe I don't remember the pain that clearly, but honest to gods, nothing has ever hurt like that did. There were bits that hurt, but were totally bearable. But a few spots, like high on my hip, it was all I could do not to scream. I'd give it a 12 out of 10 on my pain scale. Seriously.

I think part of the issue is I have full blown fibro now, and I didn't the last time I was tattooed. My skin started to go into shock two hours in to the appointment, meaning that even gentle touch hurt. Actually, gentle, light touches hurt almost as much as the tattooing. Firm touches were the only ones that felt...right. It sucked, I tell you.

One of my worst 'tender spots' (spots where light/normal touching hurt like a mother fucker for us fibro sufferers) are the back of my hips....exactly where he was tattooing. Yeah.

I really should have brought some chocolate. Chocolate seems to calm/comfort me when I'm in a lot of pain. I didn't have any with me sadly, so it was all me. I didn't scream. I whimpered a few times near the end. At one point I actually asked him to stop because I was on the edge of a panic attack and I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't move if he kept going. He seemed really surprised by that. I'm not as tough as I used to be. :(

But I did it. I said, fuck your fibro, and I did it. I endured the pain, and once the fucker heals it will look so so so much better than it did! He relined the lily, coloured the leaves again, re-did the lily pad, the water, added winds and a few flowers, coloured the pixie's skin, gave her boobs, shaded her feet, fixed up the badly healed colour of her dress... It looks good, or it will, when it stops oozing. o.0

Yes, you read that right. It's over 24 hours later, and part of my tattoo is still oozing lymph fluid! WTF. I've never ever had a tattoo ooze for this long! I've had some bits ooze for 24 hours, but not more than that. Never more than that. 32 hours, and I'm still freaking oozing. I oozed through my pjs! I've put a sterile pad on it, and tapped it down. I hope to gods that will be enough and it will stop by morning. That is sooo not going to heal well if it doesn't flipping stop oozing!

The rest of the tattoo, all but that one spot on the bottom of my hip, has dried out nicely, and is on it's way to healing. It really is on the bottom of my hip. My whole hip is so swollen it's freaking round like melon. It's intense. I had to wear a skirt today so my clothes wouldn't be putting pressure on it! I don't like wearing a skirt; I felt vulnerable. bleck.

I really can't get over the pain though. I mean, it hurts now, it's tender and swollen, and likely bruised, but I expected that. The pain during, I never expected it to be that bad. Rick says it gets worse, the older you get. Bah! I do not want to know that! I still have other ink I want to get, but I'm not sure I can endure that again! I was mostly okay for the first two hours of the session, but the last two hours, I had to fight, and swallow the pain every second of it. Perhaps next time I should bring not only chocolate, but something solid, to very literally re-fuel during one of Rick's smoke breaks. Also totally need to remember to bring an extra sweater, just in case. Man, do they keep it cool in there! But then, Rick was sweating...tattooing is hard work, what with the pushing against me and the hot lights on me and therefore him.

It's worth it though, possibly just for the hugs. My tattoo, when healed will look sooo much better. Heck, it already looks so much better. It's cool now. I don't have to be so damn ashamed of it. Now I can be proud of it. It's cute and kinda cool. I'll be happy to show it to people, when the oozing stops. o.0 jeez.

Hrm... maybe I can survive this again. I know I want more tattoos. So I have to be able to endure it. I just have to. Fucking fibro, making everything more of a fight than it should be.

Note: I will post pictures when it finally stops oozing. Rick is Rick James of Mata Mata Studios. He gives awesome hugs. No, really. :)