Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm sorry, I just don't care...

I'm in so much pain, I just don't care about anything. I don't have the energy to care. It's taking all I got just to sit here, just to exist. I don't have anything left for caring about anything...

There are things I know I need to do. Hell, there are even things I wanted to do. But right now I just can't bring myself to do them. I can't bring myself to do anything. The pain is all consuming, all enveloping, it makes everything, everything else look insignificant, and also, frankly, out of reach.

When you really can't care about anything it's very hard to find the energy, nah, the motivation to do them. Every task is overwhelming. Every task tests your patience. And at this point, I really don't have any patience. I don't even have the patience to read 1000 words on my favourite blog, nevermind scouring entires on a job site for something I might be able to do.

*sigh* I suck. I just really really suck.

I also wish I'd brought my muscle relaxants with me as my neck is SO incredibly stiff, damnit. Tension. That's what it is. How the fuck does one wake up with a tension headache though?! I really don't get that. I'm tense and worrying in my sleep?? Perhaps though. I had nightmares all night long. I kept making up and whimpering and falling right back into them damnit. But like.... I've been having such a lovely, and otherwise relaxing weekend! I don't get it, I just don't get it.

I guess I just can't turn the worry off. It's always there. Always. Eating away at me. heh. Just like the fucking yeast infection that hasn't fucking gone way! *grumble*grumble*grumble* But my point, worry. It eats at me. I know it does. I have no was to shut if off. The reason I'm worried isn't gone, I can't stop. I don't know how. *sigh*

I'm scared you see. Very scared. Of a lot of things I guess. Mostly, I'm scared of not having any money. What very little savings I had at the beginning of November is whittling down to nothing now. I make less money working very part time than I actually spend in a month. Sad but true. And I'm not even paying rent damnit. I suck. Only conclusion there. I suck.

I'm also scared I'll never find a decent job. It's been months now, and nothing. Ok, well one thing, I didn't realize, cause again, I suck. So now I'm worried I won't ever get another offer of any kind. I do apply. I keep applying, but still, nothing.

I'm scared. I have no money. I work maybe 10 hours a week for minimum wage. I don't make enough to even pay my meagre bills. I'm scared. I'm really scared. What the fuck am I going to do?!

And right now I'm in so much fucking pain the only thing I want to so is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry. Just cry and cry and cry until there is nothing left of me. *Sigh*

Really not productive to my predicament, but I can't fucking help it. I didn't ask for this pain! If I knew how the fuck to get rid of it, other than death, I would so do it. I would. But I don't know. I just don't. *Sigh* Again, I suck..


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