Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas to all!

It's Christmas Eve day, and I've got lots to do, so that's all you're getting from me today!


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

New Hair!

I (finally) got my hair cut on Monday. I went to Stacie at Strut in Hamilton. I always love the colour she does my hair, though I'm always taking time to get used to the cut. They always look great, I just get the jitters when I lose 3 inches at a time. My hair grows so slowly, it takes six months to get that back! This is yet another reason why I'm always so careful who cuts my hair, if I got a bad cut, I'd have to live with it for a long time. Stacie always does an amazing job though, even if it does take me awhile to get used to the shortness.

This time I was prepared I think though. I wanted to get it cut. I knew it needed it, and I really wanted a change. Change I got! I have bangs! It's dark, really dark. Ebony dark! I really like it. I was thinking more of a milk chocolate brown, but I'm totally loving the darker brown almost black. I'm sure it will fade to a slightly lighter brown, it always does when you get your hair coloured, and I'll be good with that too. It's just at my shoulders with a layered edge. It feels so light and healthy. She styled it for me, flat ironing it, and it shone like glass.

New Hair

Even today, with me doing nothing to it, it's still shiny like glass. I love it. I love having healthy hair! :D I also realised that, after 30 years of having curly-ish hair, I have straight hair!! My bangs dried perfectly today, all on their own! The last time I had bangs I had to flat iron them every day to shape them, what a pain in the ass that was. But no more! They dried beautifully, just the lightest curve in the tips, exactly as I would have done if I'd had to style them! The only curl in my hair is at the very ends. For some reason my hair likes to curl every so slightly there. It's not a bad look, but if I was going out I think I'd straighten it so it would look perfect. But still, I don't have to do my bangs! Squee! So exciting for me.

Me, Silly Face

I think part of what helped me keep my positive attitude about my hair is the glowing comments I've gotten. We went out to dinner with friends last night; everyone noticed my hair and was very enthusiastic about how much they liked it. So yay!

It's the end of day 2 with the new hair and I'm still loving it. Very good sign. :D

In other news, I'm baking xmas gifts today, I can't say what however, as it's a surprise. Hopefully I can get some more done over the next few days as well. I also promised a sick friend I'd make her shortbread. So much baking to do. oy. I don't think I'll bring anything baked home for Christmas this year, though I'm sure there will be more than enough goodies that my mommy made.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tempis Fugid

Wow, here it is the 12th already!

Update on my health: I've been taking a low dose of Cymbalta, which is a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor(SSRI). It's an antidepressant that works to decrease pain. I've read a bit about it, but I'm no good at chemistry/biology, I don't actually understand how it works.

In terms of me, I'm not sure if it's working or not. My knees aren't as sore as they've been, but I've also been living within my limits for the past month, and have been very careful not to push too hard. My shoulder is still sore, and I don't know why, so I'm guessing it's the fibro. I still have killer headaches. I have one today. It's enough to knock me over. And I'm beginning to worry the drug is fucking with my sleep. For the past two weeks now, I'd say since I started, or a little after, I've had the hardest time getting any kind of restful sleep. It used to be that the pain would make me up. I don't wake up in pain these days, which is good. This could be the drug, or it could just be the fibro has settled, that happens from time to time as well. But now, a new thing for me, as I'm falling asleep, just as I'm about to pass from light sleep into real, deep, restoritive sleep, my brain jolts me to full wakefulness. This happens ALL night long. I wake up feeing just as tried, or more tired than I went to bed, and terribly frustrated as well.

I never used to have this problem!! I'm hoping if it is the drug it will "settle down". I think the first time I took this, at double the dose I am now, I complained to my doctor about not being able to sleep, and he said sometimes there is a peroid of adjustment and it could take up to five weeks to settle, and that I should stick with it. I will... but fuck, I hate being so damn tired. Fibro makes me tired enough as it is, add to it bad sleep, and I feel like the walking dead!

In other news, I'm still in the middle of christmas shopping and have yet to do much baking. In terms of the shopping, I know exactly what I want, and I think this time, that's making it all the harder as I'm having a terrible time finding it. I'm hoping to feel well enough to go shopping later this week. And do the baking too. I am doing baking for a few presents this year, so I need to get to that. I'm making things that will keep, so now's the time. Or, as my mom says, do it when you feel up to it.

It really weirds me out that I identify so well with my 76 year old grandmother (she raised me, I call her mom, because to me, that's what she is). I mean, I'm 30, but I feel 80 more often than not. It sucks big hairy goat balls. But at least I'm beginning to get treatment, hopefully things will get better soon.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Preliminary Diagnosis: Fibromyalgia

I went to see my doctor yesterday, and finally made him listen, or perhaps I should say, I was finally open about how much pain I'm in, all the time, and everywhere. He poked some spots on my shoulders, back, hips, and OW. He says I have Fibromyalgia. He sounds very certain... I'm not as certian, but it would explain a lot.

What is Fibromyalgia, you ask?

Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FM or FMS) is a common and disabling disorder affecting up to 15% of the population (according to a study at McMaster University), women more often than men. Despite the condition's frequency, the diagnosis is often missed - often due to the way it is diagnosed.

FMS patients experince widespread pain, disturbed sleep, and exhaustion from head to toe. Fibromyalgia literally means pain in the muscles, ligaments, and tendons—the soft fibrous tissues of the body. Although the muscles hurt everywhere, they are not the only cause of the pain. Instead, the diffuse, body-wide symptoms are greatly magnified by malfunctions in the way the nervous system processes pain.

FMS often comes with many other issues, it keeps bad company: migraines, tension headaches, irritiable bowl syndrome, temporomandibular joint dysfunction (jaw pain), and a whole host of others, these are just the ones I have.

Reading, about the symptoms, was like reading a page of my life, so to speak. I certainly present this way. I'm not sure I have enough tender 'trigger points', but I sure as heck have a lot of the other symptoms. Thankfully not all to the severity mentioned in some articles.

One thing that always kills me when reading about these things is the... level of docotor's surprise that depression goes along with chronic pain conditions. I mean, hello! if you lived with chronic pain for years on end, you'd be bleeding depressed too! Especially when you consider this gem of a quote from neuroscientist Linda Watkins, Ph.D., of the University of Colorado at Boulder:

"Because the current definition of a good drug for chronic pain is one that fails to provide adequate pain relief 60-80% of the time, more efficient pain control would be most welcomed."*

That indeed is a frightening thought. Still, it can't get any worse than living with this for, oh, I'm guessing ten years, undiagnosed. It just has to get better.

My doctor gave me a drug to try - for the pain. He finally understands just how sensitive I am to drugs, and has me on a low dose, and wants to monitor my condition. If this doesn't work, then it's off to a rheumatologist for me.

I have some hope. I know I'll never be 100%. I've come to accept that chronic pain is going to stay chronic for me, but what I want, what I'm really hoping for, is improvement - to get to a level of pain I can bear; to be able to manage my pain; to not just have to suffer through it day in and day out with no way whatsoever to make it better, ever. That's what I can't handle, the utter lack of hope, the lack of control of any kind. I want to be able to have some say in things, and right now I don't feel like I do.

So Fibromyalgia may not be good, but living with it for as long as believe I have, undiagnosed, is way worse. Knowing is better. Even if this isn't what I have - diagnosis is SO fuzzy for this condition - at least it's a step in the right direction. My doctor understands how much pain I'm in, he wants to help me, he's willing to send me to someone else if he can't. This is good. This I can live with. This makes it easier to bare - there is something to look forward to, something to hope for.

*Watkins LR, et al. TRENDS in Neurosciences 28(12):661-669, 2005.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Angry and Miserable.

I do not want to live like this. I'm tired of always being sore, of not being able to do anything, and getting lectured about how it's all my fault.

I wish I was dead.

For the first time in years, I really really want to die. The only issue is, I have no life insurance, so my parents would have to pay to have me buried, and they really can't afford that. My good for nothing father wouldn't help them with a red cent; he just wouldn't care.

Everyone would be better off, all I am now is a burden. And I'd get sweet, sweet oblivion.

I do not want to live like this. I just don't. There is nothing worth this. Nothing.

Watching the man I love slowly lose all respect for me. Watching as I turn his life into a hermited hell of only taking care of me, doing none of the things he actually wants to do. I can't. I can't do that to him. I can't suffer through it myself.

I may not do it on purpose. I did not choose this life for myself, but I'm stuck with it. I can't change the effects it has on everything. I'm powerless to make any difference whatsoever.

My life will always be pain. I will always have to fight just to get up in the morning. My entire life will always be this battle waged against the pain I suffer through. And I'm not strong enough. I can't keep doing this.

I want to die. I just want to die.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Frustrated Cripple.

I haven't gone to the gym all week, and I feel really guilty about it. Sunday Chris and I went to the Royal winter Fair, and I spent the rest of the day with ice on my knees they hurt so badly. Monday I went to Hamilton to visit the dentist. Tuesday I got groceries and made lasagna. If I'd gone to the gym I never would have been able to do that. Instead, I would have sat in bed all day with ice on my knees. As it was, I was in so much pain by the evening that I was limping when I walked across the street to the corner store for the aluminum foil I forgot to buy. Yesterday (Wednesday) I spent all day in bed, crying, because my knees, and my teeth hurt just that badly.

How am I ever going to improve or change anything when I'm always in so much pain?? I mean, it's a real fight for me just to get out of bed, there are days like yesterday where I can't even do that... I'm just SO frustrated. I don't want to be this person, but I don't think I'm strong enough be anything else.

I'm so miserable. I spent yesterday not wanting to be conscious. Between the pain and the horrible realisation I'm always going to be the fat cow I now am, it was just too much to bear. I want to go to the gym today, but I have to give blood at 1:30pm, and I have a 4pm appointment with Chris' brother. If I go to the gym I know I'll literally be in tears limping to my 4pm appointment. I hate it. I hate that this is what I am. So broken down and useless. :(

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


We took too long to get back to the lovely photographer and so she booked our date with someone else. I could cry. Oh, wait, I did. Very very disappointed. I really liked her work! I really liked her! She's so happy and upbeat. She really liked working weddings. She was willing to work within our budget and timeline! Hell, no one else even bothered to answer my email inquiries after I told them my date! At least a thrid of the photographers I've looked at want more than double what I have to spend. It's just horribly depressing thinking about starting my search all over again.

This even brings into question for me if I actually want a photographer at the wedding. I mean, ideally I would. Ideally, I'd be 50-100lbs slimmer as well, but that ain't going to happen either. *sigh* I really wanted to loose weight for the wedding, hell, I wanted to loose it period, but I'm beginning to realise it just isn't ever going to happen. I'm too broken. So I'm going to be the horrid fat cow I am now for my wedding. A disgusting fat blob in a red dress. I'm never going to want to look at our wedding photos. Every time I see them I'll cringe in shame, the same way I do when I see pictures of my fat, round self at my friends weddings. I looked horrible. This huge, unshaped blob, three times the size of everyone else. I don't want to see that. I know it's the truth, but I sure as fuck don't like it. And I don't want to see pictures of me, looking like a linebacker in a dress, standing next to skinny, little Chris. I just don't. I can't bare it.

I hate that I'm this fat. I hate that I gained back all the weight I lost. I hate it. And I feel so fucking helpless to do anything about it. Going to the gym might help, but most days I'm too fucking sore. I pushed myself and I went Saturday morning. I sat on a bike and I pushed, and pushed and pushed. It's Wednesday and I'm still fucking sore from that!!!!! I've sat with ice on my knees for days now. The only time my knees don't scream is when I have ice on them. I took 1200mg of ibuprofen yesterday hoping to dull the pain, and it did NOTHING. NOTHING!!! I've spent all morning in bed crying because my knees are fucking killing me.

How the hell am I supposed to go to the gym like this?! I had to limp across the street last night to make it to the convenience store! How the hell am I supposed to work an eliptical like this?! Swimming hurts a hell of a lot more than the eliptical, so don't bother suggesting it to me. If I try not to bend my knee, then there's intense pressure on the joint because I'm forcing it to be still, that's WAY fucking worse than actually moving it. What the hell am I supposed to do!?

I'm in so much pain. My teeth ache so so badly. I tried out my new night gaurd last night. I think it's fitted too snuggly. I mean snug is one thing, but my fucking teeth have been aching ever since I took it off! And my gums are all cut up from the sharp edge on the front. Ow. I've got a fucking tension headache from my teeth throbbing! How is this honestly supposed to help?? I can't see how this is a good thing at all. I just can't. I mean, is this right? Is this how it's supposed to fit?? I'm better off without it, if you ask me! I mean, my teeth are killing me! I'm in so much pain, I can't even tell if my jaw hurts, though I think it does, just less than my poor teeth.

I'm so frustrated. So very frustrated. Nothing seems to ever help. No matter what I do, I'm always in pain. If it's not one thing, it's another. My teeth hurt so badly I can barely register the headache. I suppose the 'good' part is, while my teeth feel like they are in a painful vise, my knees hurt less, only because the pain there is less immediate. Gods this is fucked up! I hate living like this! I hate it!!

I can't win for loosing, I think is the phrase. It seems to fit, anyway. I hurt. I always hurt. How the hell am I supposed to get more fit when I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning?! I don't want to be conscious. I don't want to be awake for this pain, nevermind DO anything. I'm miserable. I'm just miserable. I hate myself. I hate what my life has become. But most of all I hate feeling so fucking helpless to DO anything about it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

I mean, what's the point? Nothing I do ever makes any fucking difference. I'm always in pain. Always. I haven't been able to get any rest for days because the pain keeps waking me up. I just toss and turn and hurt. I don't want to live like this. I don't. I can't. It's too much to fucking bear. I keep trying to make things better, I try to take care of myself, I try to be active, I try to manage my pain, but nothing helps. Nothing I do ever makes any fucking difference at all. So why should I even bother trying?! What's the point? I'm just going to end up miserable and in pain, just like I am now. So why bother?!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Wedding Invitations

I feel like I've not posted in awhile, and should share something. In terms of knitting, I'm working on cotton dish clothes for my mommy. I actually did go and get some huge balls of cotton yarn, like I said I would. I bought this bright green and white ball, that's knitting up really pretty and cheery. I'd take a picture to share with you all, but frankly today I'm too lazy, so oh well. I also bought a ball of blue, purple, and white. They didn't have anything cheerful, that wasn't orange (my mom is not a fan), that didn't have white in it. I usually stay away from white because I worry it will stain too easily, but this is what I could get, so oh well. Also, have I mentioned how cheery and lovely the green is? I'm enamored I tell you.

So instead of sharing knitting pictures, I thought I'd share the proofs of our wedding invites. We are getting them from Vistapint Canada, on the advice of a friend of ours that got hers there a few years back. Because they always have sales going on, it's much cheaper to do it this way than it would be to even just buy wedding invites and print them myself. And this way we get pretty colour ones!

Of course I picked the design and did the wording. I got clearance/acceptance from Chris of course, but I put forth the effort. I'm the one that cares the most, so I figured, I should do it. So without, any further ado, here they are!

Wedding Invite Proof -Outside

Wedding Invite Proof - Inside
Inside. I smudged our private info of course.

One of my best friends, Michael, said they reminded him of Cinderella. You know, when the fairy godmother is turning the pumpkin into a carriage? The pretty swirly pattern in the invites looks like her magic did. I hadn't really thought about it until he mentioned it, but he's right. frankly, my first thought about the invitations was that they weren't all white, and in any kind of traditional wedding style, which pleased me greatly. They aren't technically wedding invitations at all - the pattern is from the business section. I really don't like most wedding stuff. This suits me perfectly, even if it is a little princess-y.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

What's on My Needles

I haven't talked about my knitting in forever. It's not because I haven't been knitting, I assure you, I'm just... a terrible blogger.

So, I thought, what better way to get back into it, than talking/showing you all what's on my needles right now.

1. Black Armada Shawl
Black Armada Progress
About 20% done I think. On hold until Spring/Summer - there's SO not enough light to knit anything black this time of year! I'm planning to wear this shawl at my wedding next fall, it will be done in plenty of time, I have no doubt.

Black Armada Progress Shot - Centre Detail
Pretty isn't it?

2. Dishcloth for my Mom
Dishcloth on needles
I'm making my mom dishclothes for Christmas. She just loves the knit ones, and I can't blame her, I like them too. As you can see I've run out of yarn. One of my goals today is to go get another ball so I can finish this one, and get to making more.

3. Habitat Hat for Chris
Chris' Habitat Hat Progress
I've just completed the brim on this hat. I don't have a 5mm circular needle that's small enough to knit this hat on, so it's on hold until I can pick up a 16" circ.

4. Red Shetland Triangle Shawl
Red Shetland Triangle Swatch
I just started a swatch for this last night when I realised I had nothing I could knit and my fingers were going stir crazy. It's on 6mm needles. I'm not sure I like it, it's too loose for what I'm going for. I think I might just try it next on 5mm needles, which is what the yarn calls for, as I'm wanting something very dense. We'll see. I maybe scrap this until Spring, I'm just not sure.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

'Hearing Test'

The Teenager Audio Test - Can you hear this sound?
Created by Oatmeal

Apparently both Chris and I passed, as we could hear it, but only faintly. A 24 yr old friend said she dropped what she had in her hand at the time, she found it so alarming. Strange. So I guess our old ears aren't as old as they could be?

Friday, November 6, 2009


So I went to the grocery store today...for the first time in a long time. Chronic pain is kicking my ass lately, but I'm starting to feel a bit better, thank the gods.

Well, I wanted to get meat for supper. I didn't know what to get so I started looking at prices. I found the deal of a life-time - assuming the meat is worth eating, I've never bought this before. The package says it's half a pork sirloin. If you ask me, it's a quarter of the pig!

Big Slab O'Pig

It doesn't look very big in this picture, I do realise. That's because it's sitting next to the huge, head-sized butternut squash I also bought. Check out this shot below, with a six inch ruler at the bottom for scale.

Big Slab O'Pig, with Ruler for Scale

See. I told you it was big. It's 2.5 kilos for pete's sake! And all for $5.53! How do you like those apples?! Crazy. I hope it's tasty! I'm sure I can cook it to our satisfation. Slow roasting might be best. I really don't know. I certainly have enough that I can experiment.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Halloween Pictures!

As I've mentioned, Chris and I were Lucy, Daughter of the Devil, and her dad Satan. I was, of course Lucy, and Chris Satan. It was my idea, so I bought what we needed, and even helped Chris get his horns glued on.

Chris putting on his horns
Chris gluing on his horns.

Here's my waiting for Chris to be done - my costume was a lot less involved.

Lucy and Satan
Chris and I together, before we went out for the night.

It was really warm at the apartment party we went to, so unfortunately Chris' horns did not stay glued on. I think it was the conbination of sweaty skin, and heavy horns that did it. If we do horns again, I'm leaving them/making sure I get them on thin stretchy cord so we don't have to glue them anywhere.

Chris got lots of attention; everyone was so impressed with his make-up. And likely the beard - apparently it itched like crazy, poor man! He bore it like a trooper though. All in all we had a fun time, but I think next year we need to have less involved (no face paint), and cooler (man was it hot in there!) costumes. Live and learn I guess!

I also made pumpkine cheesecake squares for the occasion, which, I'm only realising now, I never got any pictures of! *gasp* I guess I'll just have to make it again sometime? ;) They really were quite yummy. Though, I think if I make it again, I'll make it in pie or cake form, it really was too met and mushy to be proper squares, good though! So good. Everyone liked them. :D

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I've been in too much pain for too long. I'm really tired of it all. Today the pain isn't too bad. Really, I should be able to go and do things, but I'm just so worn out. I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I want oblivion. I want a taste of fucking relief.

I just can't take this. Day in and day out. All day, all night. I'm hounded by it. Haunted by it. It's with me always. A horrible, heavy constant in my life. I don't even have the strength of mind to deal with the lower levels of pain I have today. It's all just too fucking much.

I want some relief! I want some gods damned relief!!! Is that too much to ask?!

Every day. Every fucking moment of every day. Even when I sleep I don't get a reprieve! I wake up again, and again, and again. I toss and turn. The pain a searing, shining constant. I even dream about the pain. It invades everything.

It's been so long since I've been without pain, I barely remember what it's like. I can handle daily low levels. It's not fun, it's not easy, but it's bearable. I can still do some things, not everything, that's for fucking sure, but I can do some things. The past few days, I don't even know how long because time slows down when you're in this much pain, it's been bad, really really bad. Yesterday I never left my bed because I just couldn't bear it. The pain was too much, I didn't want to move. I really didn't want to be conscious. It was all I could do to just exisit. That's where all my energy went. In trying to survive.

It wasn't the worst pain I've had, but when you live with chronic pain, and you have 7-10 days of really bad pain all in a row that nothing helps to even lesson, there comes a point where you are going to crack. I'm only human. There is only so much I can take. Yesterday was my breaking point. I realised I had no more reserves left, no more energy to keep on fighting. I'm was at empty. I'm still at emtpy.

I want to be done now. I just can't take it anymore. Can I be done now?! I just want the pain to lessen. I know I'll never be free of it. But I can't handle this. Not this much. Not every fucking day. I can't. I just can't do it. I'm not that strong. I'm just not.

I want to do things today, I do. Honestly, I do. But what I want more is to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to cry until I have no more breath, until there is nothing left of me, until I fall into an exhausted sleep. Perhaps then I could get some releif.. But with my luck the pain would just follow me, and I would get no rest. No rest at all.

And it really doesn't help that there is some soft of very loud power tool being used just outside my apartment. *growl* WTF. Gods bless our super, but it's WAY too fucking hot in here to not have the window open. I'm in hell. I'm in my own personal hell.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

NaNoSweMo (National Sweater Knitting Month)

Hrm... Some lovely knitter invented, or perhaps unvented, NaNoSweNo, in honour of NaNoWriMo!

Now, as we have all likely guessed, I couldn't write a novel to save my life, nevermind doing it in a month! But a sweater? A sweater I might be able to do. It's certainly a very tempting idea!

Though.... I just realised, I have actual christmas knitting to do. I don't know what to get my mommy, and she asked for dishclothes, so really, I should be knitting those. 12 of them does take up a lot of time for me, as each is about 4 hours of knitting. I also need to fix Chris' hat, and try to knit one for me.... Maybe two really.

Bah. I'm just not a joiner I guess.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Ipod Case

When I started going to the gym I realised right away that I'd want to bring my ipod nano with me. Exercising in silence is just unfun. The only problem with that is, my work-out pants have no pockets. Where to put my ipod? Normally, I'd stick it in the side of my bra, but exercising means sweating. Ipods and moisture do not mix.

I looked online just about everywhere google could take me, and the only cases I found would end up costing me way more than I wanted to spend. So I decided to make myself a case. A friend of mine works in a hardware store where they actually sell neoprene! How cool is that? So I got some neoprene, and some contact cement-like glue from him. I used fabric scraps from a yet unfinshed, but fully cut, sewing project. I bought the trim for another project, that I didn't end up using it on, and so had lots for this project. Yay re-purposing!

Side 1
Ipod Case, Side 1

Side 2
Ipod Case, Side 2

I cut the neoprene into a square, roughly big enough to wrap around my ipod, with room to sew it closed. I glued fabric to the front and back of the neoprene, then gave it time to dry. I sewed the fabric-covered neopreme case closed on three sides of the neoprene square, then I sewed the trim on. Took about an afternoon all told. Totally worth it. I think it looks great.

Ipod with Case
Ipod and Case

Ipod in Case
Ipod in case

Of course, like 3 days after I get the case made, I drop my nano, and the screen goes on it! :( Boo-urns!! I love my little nano! I don't even like the newest generation. Who the hell wants a video camera on their bleeding MP3 player?! Honestly! So now I don't know what I'm going to do. The screen isn't fully dead, so I can navigate someone, but I can't change the setting, as I can't see them, and I have no idea when the battery is going to go, as I can't see anything on the right hand side of the screen. Bah! Bah I say!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Prep

In preparation for Halloween, I decided to add another coat of red coloured hair spray to my wig - I couldn't find a red wig the right length, so I had to buy a white one in the right cut, and colour it red. Damn annoying process I tell you what! Next time I think I'd just get a red wig and try to do something with the cut.. Live and learn.

I also tried out Chris' makeup. We're going as Lucy (Daughter of the Devil) and Satan. If you've never seen Lucy, Daughter of the Devil, then you need to get your hands on a copy and watch it! So funny. So good.

Anyway, this is Lucy, and her dad, Satan:

As you can see, Satan is red. So I got my man some red face paint. It's theatrical grade, cause that's how I roll. There will also be lots left over. I'm thinking we may need to go as oompaloomas next year, or somethimg. The makeup covers really well, and washes off with just soap and water - thank goodness.

Picture 666 - Testing Satan's Makeup.

I amused myself greatly with it. Look at how red! I glowed in the flash, I've no idea why, I didn't really glow in person, thank the gods. But yeah, way red. And it didn't bug my skin, which is good, so hopefully it won't bother Chris' either.

I can't wait for the Halloween party! It's going to be fun!! :)


Chronic pain means choosing your battles. There is only so much you can do in one day before all your energy and motivation is gone, and you need to curl up and focus what's left of your energy on just getting through the day.

Yesterday I picked making the desert for Saturday night's Halloween Party. I wanted it done ahead of time so I wouldn't stress about it. This meant I had to go to the grocery store, crush cookies to crumbs, and then make and bake said desert. It took me all afternoon frankly. And when I was done, I was done.

I really wanted to get laundry done too, but what with my uterus kicking my ass, and my jaw so extremely sore, I just didn't have the energy. I've been clenching my jaw as a subconscious way to deal with the headache pain. Well, it's come home to roost. Now my jaw aches constantly no matter what I do. I'm trying to baby it, but it's a battle.

Today, I choose going to the gym as my battle. My goal was 20 minutes of cardio and to do the weighted workout my personal trainer set up for me. I did 40 minutes of cardio - go me! Those last 20 minutes were harder than they normally are, but kept going, slower than normal, but still working my heart and muscles. I was proud of myself. Then I did the weighted workout. To be honest I did 3 sets of everything instead of the 2 she set out. If felt too easy. I did only do 30 of the ball passes, as she suggested though. Those kill my abs! They're sooo much harder than they look! Then I stretched out really well. I took the time. I think this is why I don't feel as tight as I did the night of my first workout. The real test will be to see how I feel tomorrow though.

Again, there are other things I would have liked to have done today, but again, I have to pick my battles. I only have limited energy and gumption. Frankly, today all I wanted to do was lay in my bed curled up in a ball. I'm tickled pink, I got up, got dressed, and did anything at all.

Today feels like a victory. I hurt. I admitted it. I took what painkillers I have, and only when I felt better did I try to do something. Pushing through the horrible pain doesn't build character, it just hurts. But I can't do nothing when I have pain, I have pain every day. But that doesn't mean I should try to carry on as if nothing is wrong, especially when the pain is so bad I can't think. I'm just now learning what it means to manage my pain. But, boys oh boys, what I wouldn't give to one day be pain free!

That's part of why I'm pushing now. I was pain free for a year. Really pain free. I want to get there again. I think I can get there again, I need to believe it, or I'll go stark raving mad.

I need to be more active. I need to loose weight. I need to stress less. This is what I did last time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stress less, but I'm trying to at least manage what triggers I can; I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do, all anyone can ask of me.

Monday, October 26, 2009


November is NaNo (National Novel Writing Month). I've a friend that's done it for a few years now. She actually gets to 50,000 words! 50 thousand words!!!! My mind boggles.

I don't think I've written 50 thousand words in all my (very limited) accumulated works. I'm really not sure I could. I kinda want to try, but honestly, I just don't know if I could. I don't feel like I have any stories to tell. I've not come up with a new story idea in years. What does that say about me? What if that part of me is dead??

I'm a corward, I realise this, but I just...I don't know if I want to know. I think it might break something inside of me to learn that I really can't do it. I don't even understand why I care, but I do. What if that part of me is broken? What if I killed the part of me that was once creative?

I think it must be dead. Like I said, I've not thought of a new idea in years. Years.

I'd like to think that perhaps the story that has been at the forefront is just too.. strong to let anything else push through, but that sounds too much like bull shit, even to me.

"They", you know, the mysterious 'they', say you should write what you know. I don't like that. What do I know? I know pain and fear, with a sprinkling of love. My world is enveloped by pain, ruled by fear, and made tolerable by love. This is not the kind of world anyone would ever want to read about! This is not a pleasant world. It's painful and full of cowardice. It's ugly and shameful, and for many years I did my best to escape through books and my own fantasies. In recent years, I've learned to be mostly happy in my little hole, knitting and baking, and waiting...waiting for loved ones to have time for me, waiting for people to come home (some, okay, one of whom I've only just realised, never will), waiting for the pain to pass, waiting for things to get better.... The things I know, the world I understand... It's not the type you write about. It's not pretty or noble or anything worthy of reading about.

Bah. I really do wish I had a story. Something fun. My life is lacking that right now. The whole chronic pain thing puts a damper on...well, everything actually. Fun would be good. Something light-hearted. I can't be the only one that enjoys a light-hearted romp through fantasy land, can I?? If only I has a story *sigh*

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I like the idea of Sunday sweets.. Or at least, picking a day and posting pretty picture(s). Though I'm not sure if I can be silent as well. Perhaps I'll just just not saying much?

I love fall, I love the little gourds you can buy at grocery stores. I've started a little 'tradition' of sorts, buying myself a wee basket full, so I can enjoy them all October. This year I even got mini-corn! so cute!

Anyway, on to my gourds!


Mini Pumpkin

Wee little pumpkins that fit in the palm of my hand! I coudln't resist! Squee!

Pumpkin in the Palm of my Hand

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Sunshine Yellow Seraphim

I've been lax in posting about my crafty things, I really have. This has to change! I have been knitting, honestly I have. I've also been doing some little cooking and baking too. I need to start posting about these things. I'm not really sure why I don't.... Hrm. something to think about there. Perhaps if I knew why I didn't I could fix it. It's not the effort, I don't do that much other things, honestly. Maybe it's my desire to hide from the world, being jobless, and feeling useless does that to a person I think. And although I'm doing things, I'm not earning any money, so perhaps I de-value them, or just feel guilty for enjoying them without paying for them?? I really don't know.

Anyway, enough with the inner reflection, and on to the knitting. Let me introduce (the whole, what one of you?) to my Sunshine Yellow Seraphim shawl.

Seraphim Lace Detail

I'm so very proud. I bought this beautiful yellow yarn at Romni Wools one day this past summer. Knowing full well I don't look good in yellow, I just couldn't help myself. I love yellow. It made me think of sunshine, and I just could not leave the store without it. It's not so often I fall in love with yarn these days, so I bought it. It was only 700 yards.
Not quite enough to make a shawl usually, but I used bigger needles, bought the Seraphim pattern that I'd fallen for, and knit it.

From this:
Huge skien of beautiful Fleece Artist Merino

To this:
Seraphim Shawl on Chair

In a couple weeks. I was addicted to knitting this shawl. The yarn was such a joy to knit with! The pattern was simple and clear. The lace pattern at the bottom is just so graphic at this size. It's also pretty darn warm for a shawl! And not a bit of itchiness to it!

Please excuse the horrible picture of me, but I wanted to show the shawl on me for size. It's big. It actually fits me!! And I'm a tall fat chick, so that's saying something.

Self Portait

Every time I wear it out I get compliments on it. This of course pleases me greatly. I mean, what's better when you make things than to have others oo and ah, and tell you how pretty they are? Okay, being able to wear them and use them, and be happy with them yourself is paramount, but I still like having my skills/craftswoman-ship(I don't care if it's not a word, I'm not a man) appreciated.

Friday, October 23, 2009


I'm feeling low. It's cold and miserable outside, my knees are screaming at me for making them do so many sets of stairs and January is looming like a great dark cloud over me.

January is the three year anniversary of being laid-off, the last time I worked a real, full-time job. I've worked a bit of part-time retail here and there, but that's it. I don't consider the retail work, "real" jobs. They don't pay enough to keep a dog alive, never mind an adult human. I really regret working the retail in fact. If it wasn't for that, I may still have half-way decent feet. Instead mine are a fucking mess and it's directly a result of working retail. But it's January that looms. Three years in a long time.

I feel so useless; so utterly hopeless. Who's going to hire me with a three year gap in my resume?! Even if the economy wasn't shaky, that's damn odd. But I can't change it. I haven't worked in three years. And I feel fucking useless. Totally and completely fucked. I couldn't even get a job as a secretary. I've tried. No one was interested. No one but PT retail has shown any interest in three fucking years, and the only reason they were interested is because they are desperate for employees. Turnover rates in retail are high - the work is hell and the pay is crap.

I know what I want to do. I know what my dream job would be. And I know there isn't a fucking hope in hell I'll ever get the chance to do it. I don't feel qualified. I know, with a little training I could do it with ease, it's what I'm good at. But I don't even know if the job truly exists.... most people I know that have or have had that kind of job are not only the 'architect', but the 'builder' as well. I'm not technical enough for that. I couldn't build software to save my life. I am not a programmer. I doubt I'll ever be. I don't have the education, or the inclination. I'm not good with languages of any kind damnit. But I'm pretty good with people, and I'm good with documents. Hell, I'm even not bad ad debugging. But writing code? No, I can't do that. Perhaps someday, but it's honestly not likely. So I don't see how I'm going to make it as a business analyst.

Perhaps I should just give up, and try becoming... what? what can I do?! Secretary work?? I don't know if I could do that again. Too many memories of my coworkers and boss laughing at me fill my head when I think of that. I still haven't gotten over that. I don't know as I ever will.

Here I am moaning, when I meant to not think about all this. But I guess some things just can't be silenced. It weighs on me. I just don't know what to do. I feel so utterly hopeless, useless, and helpless to make any change or difference in my circumstances.

So much for having a degree. Useless fucking piece of paper. :(

Anyway. Better thoughts. There's fuck all I can do about it right now. I'm only going to make myself more upset thinking about it.

Chocolate. Did I write about Valentines day this year?? I really can't remember if I did. Chris bought me chocolates. He took me to this posh little place in Yorkville where he'd gotten me chocolate the Christmas before last. Yes, it was that good that I'd remembered and asked him to take me there again and again. I think he was saving it for Valentines day. I'm not big on the holiday, but I am big on chocolate. Ooo, what pretty things they have! And having tasted their chocolate bars I was eager to taste them. So eager I scarfed one down before I even thought to take a picture of the pretty chocolates when I got them home!

Valentine Chocolates

I then re-wrapped their box, so I could have a record of just how pretty they were wrapped. The gold box was very sturdy, and oh so pretty. The ribbon even has their name on it. Real ribbon. Not that fake plastic stuff. We did get them in Yorkville afterall. heh.

Valentine Chocolates, The Box

How pretty is that? And they were good too, I should add, the chocolates, that is. So yummy. The ones with the stripes had a vaugely limed flavour, they were refreshing. The ones with the coffee bean imprints had a bit of coffee flavour. I can't for the life of me remember what the ones with the round, uplifted circle on the tops were. I think the ones with the "the" written on them (only one is left in the picture above as I started with that one), was my favourite. Pure, sweet, but not too sweet, yummy chocolatey goodness, if I recall correctly. I enjoyed them though, that's for sure. It was the force of will alone that stopped me from eating them all that day. I could have, but those little buggers were expensive! woo.

Note Chris, since you're the only one that reads this, when you do read this, please don't think this is my 'subtle' way of asking for more. I just wanted a happy memory to push out the not at all happy one is all. Love you!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Ray of Sunshine

My bestest friend, sent me a ray of sunshine today, all the way from South Korea (which is too far for comfort, if you ask me). Colour me surprised when I went to pick it up at the post office! I thought it was the knitting t-shirt I ordered last week or so, but no. It was a gift from my Neda. It made me cry, it did. She suddenly didn't feel so very far away. Bless her.

What did I get you ask? Why, this:

I recently started watching Buffy again. I torrented the first season, and went to see what it would cost to own it properly. had it on sale. I posted the link to facebook, cause you know, I was so tempted, but I'm not working, and we just bought gym memberships, and such, this was not the month for it. Neda saw it, and decided to get it for me. Sweet, sweet woman!

Buffy had always been our thing, Neda and mine's. We used to watch it together every week, or tape it and watch a few at a time when we got busier with school and such. Neda actually introduced me to Buffy, and convinced me to watch it. I'm so glad she did too, it really is 'full of win' as my new Torontian friends say. But then, I love just about anything with a woman lead that kicks ass. Buffy has a special place in my heart though, because she was the first, the original, ass-kicker.

I'm sitting here hugging the box, almost in tears, thinking about all the good times Neda and I have shared. And that she bothered. She went to the trouble, and spent the money to bring me happiness. That means the world to me it does. She isn't completely gone.

Hope springs eternal. Sometimes at least. :D

Friday, October 2, 2009

Progress! (one step at a time)

We've joined a gym! After my glowing review of the Miles Nadal JCC Chris said he wanted to join as well! Wee! So I booked us an appointment, and we went in to see the nice manager lady. Everyone there is so super friendly. Even reception. I find that pretty freaking amazing.

When Chris does things, he sure does them right. We also bought 3 personal trainer sessions each, so they can help us get started on the road to better fitness. A lady called Chris yesterday to book his first appointment which is orientation, and a fitness check (complimentary session). I hope someone calls me soon too.

This is how much of a goober I am: I'm actually kinda afraid to go to the gym because I've never been to a gym before, don't now the etiquitte, and worse (to me), I have no clue how to work the machines. I'm just. Scared. It's totally irrational, but there it is. Damnit.

Other progress has been made as well. I have a line on a possible wedding location for the date we want. Squee! I really didn't think we'd find anything. All of the other options I'd picked, ironically all in Hamilton area, were booked, but this one is in Toronto was not. Friends of ours had their wedding reception there and could not speak higher of the Hotel, Food, Services, and the lady that manages/organizes it all. Very good praise indeed. Even their guests (the ones I know anyway) spoke very highly of them. Best recommendation I could ask for. I've seen pictures too, and it's very pretty, very elegant inside, without being stuffy. I do like it. I really hope it pans out. I really do want to be married on 10.10.10.

I mean, come on, how cool is that? I'd thought of it before, when I was hoping Chris and I might make it to this point. That 10.10.10 would be a cool day to get married. It would certainly be easy to remember! Mostly I thought being married in 2010 would be great for figuring out when we were married, I'd only have to subract ten. I can do that easy. I'm not very good at subraction, for whatever reason. So yeah. And I wanted October, because I want a fall wedding. I want wedding pictures with the pretty fall leaves in the background. I love fall. It takes my breath away. All the pretty colours. Red, gold, bronze, brown, brightest yellow, darkest rest, they are all stunning. I want that. I want that in my pictures. It will go so well with the red dress.

The only issue with the place I'm hoping to have the wedding, is there is nowhere outside on their grounds for pictures. But we'll live. Chris made the suggestion of going to Humber (Valley?). He went to Humber college, he knows the area. He says there is some pretty wilderness around there, and it's not that far from the Hotel. So yay. I'm hoping that will work out.

I've also kinda fallen in love with a photographer. I found her through facebook ads! Weird. But I went to her website, and looked through her blog of wedding and other pictures. I really like her style. I really enjoy how she captures moments. The pictures aren't stuffy or forced, there is ease and happiness in them. I want that. I'm hoping we can afford her, but her base rate is lower than some of the others I liked a lot less, so I'm hopeful. But honestly, if I really feel like she can get me the pictures I want, then Chris and I will find a way to make it work, I know we will. It's not like I want a lot of her time, 3 hours max. I don't need professional photos of the reception. Besides, I'm having a lunch wedding, it's not going to last all night. What I want is pictures of the two of us and us with our families. That's what matters most to me. We can do that in three hours easy. Even with the ceremony thrown in there.

Once we have the wedding location locked down I think the next big herdle will be finding an officiant. 10.10.10 is a Sunday, so unfortunately we won't be able to get Chris' parents priest to do it. I almost kinda wanted her to. It would have saved me looking for someone for one, but also, I like her. She's bubbly, and full of life and light (which, being a priest, is very suiting). She's also easy going enough that I'm sure she'd be very happy to do a civil ceremony and let us write our own vows (Chris wants to do this, it terrifies me - what to say?!) But she works Sunday, it being a Sunday and all. So we will have to find someone else. Chris I think is going to be more picky here than I am. So I think I might just make him do the looking on this one. I'm not sure I care as much. I just want to get married...

I'm getting more excited about it, and slightly less stressed. I do beleive once we have the location set, and a contract in hands I'll feel better about it all and won't stress half so much. Light at the end of the tunnel. Light at the end of the tunnel. It will work out, whatever happens, because we'll still be together, and really, that's what counts.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Decisions, Decisions.

I apparently can't make decisions. Of any kind really.

I've been thinking of joining a gym for some time. In the hopes that I'd, you know, actually go and get more fit. I've only looked at two. I'm not sure how many people normally look at, but there are four on my list. I've seen the high end and the low end. And I've fallen in love with the high end.

The JCC at Spadina and Bloor, is the high end. And let me tell you, you do get what you pay for. It's really lovely. Clean. Well maintained. Lots of employees around to be helpful. They have a salt water pool! I could not be more excited about that. No contracts. No cancellation fee. Well loved personal trainers - 5 of the 9 they employ were in session when I was there, on a weekday morning! The change room facilities are gorgeous. Sauna, steam room, whirlpool, shanzy vanity stations with complimentary hair dryers.

But do I really need all that? No, I don't. I do believe there is going to come a point where a personal trainer could be really useful. Only one of the other places I'm looking at is likely to have actual personal trainers, and they don't have a pool.

I have bad knees and bad joints. when I'm in too much pain to do other things, I can swim in the pool with a lot less pain. So a pool is really important to me.

Part of me wants to look at the other pooled option I've been considering and then decide. The second pool options is $20 less a month. It's worth looking into really. Though, another part of me just wants to join the JCC's gym and be done with it.

Why can't I make a decision? What's wrong with me?!

I'm having the same troubles with the wedding stuff. I just cannot make any decisions.

Perhaps my biggest issue with all of this is, I'm a freaking princess and I know what I want, but I'm having a lot of trouble with the price tags associated with it all. If I was working and it was my own money I think I'd find it easier. But it's not my money. I'm a useless bum leaching off of my fiancee. I hate being a burden. I worry these kinds of decisions will result in my being an even bigger burden.

Though, to be fair, on the wedding front, I am trying to wage a war against my inner princess. There is only some much princess-ness I can take before I snap. Yet the pretty options call to me. I'm having a hard time giving up on options I really like. But I don't like their price tags, so.. yeah. I can't decide. And Chris is staying out of it entirely. I'm not sure if that's a safety mechanism for him, or if he just doesn't care, or what. But the lack of input bothers me.

You know, I told him I was going to make a minestrone soup. I read him the ingredients. I asked him if that sounded good. He said yes. He even said he didn't think zucchini should be in the soup, so I left them out. Two days after I've made it, I ask him how he likes it. He tells me minestrone is his least favourite soup. It's a miracle of good cooking he's willingly eating it at all. When I ask him why he didn't say something before I made it, he tells me I never told him!! *head-desks*

Understandably I'm really worried the same thing is going to happen with the wedding. I'm going to make decisions/suggestions, he's going to say "yes" without actually listening to me, and then he's going to "find out" the day of and be disappointed/upset with me. *sigh* It's our wedding. It's important to me it represent both of us damnit, and that he is happy with it too. I just don't know how to make that happen. :(

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Pissed the fuck off (RANT)

I don't know if I can handle this.... Being lecutred for the rest of my life, every time I have a reaction that isn't up to his standards?!?! I don't think I can do it. I'm sooooooooo pissed off, and it's the second time in two days.

Fuck a duck.

I don't think I can live like this. First he lectures me about the crazy Christian zealots and now this. Fuck. Apparently "I have no right" to get "pissy" that Rogers is being sleezy, and changing their fees, effectively charging their customers more for the same damn service. I think it's low, but because 'the market will bear it', I'm not allowed to be upset?!

What the fuck.

If we were talking about something he cares about it would be a different fucking story. When I'm the one saying, well this is how things are, he gets all fucking pissy at me. But I'm not allowed the same reaction apparently. Apparently when I do it, it's wrong, and I'm being irrational.

Try explaining that there are different standards of dress for men and women. And if you don't follow them, as a woman, things will be much harder for you, and you may never get ahead in the business world. Try saying well sexism is 'just the way it is'. Try saying that women being abused is 'just the way it is'. People still get in and stay in abusive relationships. "The market will bear it". Obviously there's nothing to get upset about. Women "allow" themselves to be seen as meat, right??

Yeah, he'd have a fucking field day. (Note: I do not believe abuse is okay, but I'm trying to make a point. The standards of dress thing was a real arguement, however.)

But when I say something is out of wack and I don't like it, I get the "that's the way it is, there is no point in getting upset about it" lecture, that goes on and on and on. And after I tell him I don't appreciate being lectured, he lectures me again about how I shouldn't get upset about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That the lecture is my own fault!!?!

I can't take this. I just can't take this.

And there is spanakopita makings in the fridge. :( If I leave now, to go to my parents, it will be ruined. I hate wasting food. But I also do not want to be here right now. I'm too pissed the fuck off. Gods damn double standard. What the fuck. I just hate being lectured. I hate it.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

To Clarify..

I still very much want to marry Chris. I love him dearly. I want to keep him forever and ever.

I was just so disgusted with everything the idea of marriage itself was totally unappealing. That's fair, right?

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I tried to "think outside the box" in terms of venues for the wedding ceremony, and realised I just can't do it. All the places that appealled to me are places that normally do weddings. I fail.

Still, having the wedding somewhere, and doing lunch, but not a reception could work. Telling anyone it's a wedding reception adds 40% or more onto the cost. I don't want special treatment anyway. I just want to make a lunch reservation somewhere for a group of 35 adults and 5 children. I want to be able to bring a cake. I'll cut it myself, they just need to bring me a knife and plates. That's simple; restaurants do that all the time for birthdays.

I'm wondering now if I'll even need two layers of cake. Perhaps one will be enough. I'd like two, partly to show off, partly to learn how. But.. again, we'll see.

Gah. Weddings. I want to kill my inner princess. I really do. But I can't seem to even control her. Bah! Bah, I say.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I hate weddings.

I really do hate weddings. Hate. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate weddings.

I'm really seriously considering just saying, "fuck it", to ALL of it and eloping. We can take our parents out to dinner at some point afterwards, and that's that.

I refuse to spend $10,000 on a wedding, hell, I can't even, in good conscience, spend more than $6000. I refuse to go into debt to pay for the wedding. I refuse to have others tell me (us) how to run our wedding, so funding isn't really an option here. And I can't figure out how to do it for less.

There are certain things I really want for the wedding - things I just can't compromise on. It's all or nothing for me. Going half-assed would be just as disappointing and frustrating as not doing it at all. More even really.

Engagement ring. Wedding bands. Red taffeta dress and red runners. Having my hair done. New suit for Chris (he doesn't own one). NOT getting married in a church. Getting married somewhere pretty, preferably outside. Having my loved ones at the wedding. My mom seeing me get married, especially. Making the wedding cake myself. Getting a chauffeured car (I am NOT taking public transit, nor depending on anyone to give me a ride). Having professional pictures taken.

But to do all that really means having a reception. Chris wants a reception. It's the only want he's really expressed. It's the only part I've really wanted to avoid. Having a reception means money. Lots of money. Receptions are money and life suckers. Gods I hate them. They make me realise why I hate weddings all over again.

I just can't figure out how to do all this without spending an atrocious amount of money. And when I think about what it would really cost it sickens me. The excess. The waste. And for what? All this hoopla and what do we really have to show for it at the end of the day?! It just all seems like too fucking much.

I'm torn. I'm really honestly torn.

I feel like I'm getting sucked in by the wedding void. It's a snowball taking me down the hill into hell. (Mixed metaphors, I know. I'm angry. Deal.) One thing leads to another and before you know it, you're 12 grand in the whole!

I don't want that! I really really don't want that, damnit.

But at the same time it breaks my freaking heart to think of getting married and NOT having my mommy there.

So I don't know what to do damnit. I just.. I don't know what to do.

If I could just figure out where to get married --- that wasn't going to cost me $2000 in rental fees, then we could just fudge the reception as brunch at some restraint. I'd just make reservations for a large group, and we'd eat with everyone else. There is only going to be 40 of us. A big enough restaurant wouldn't have an issue with that. It's doable.

But where the fuck could I hold the wedding? I really do want the pretty red dress. I don't think I could compromise on that one. I just.. I can't. I want the dress. So the location has to match. I'm not getting married in some community gym. It just wouldn't do. It wouldn't do at all. I'm just too spoiled for that. So where does that leave me?!?!

Fucking weddings. I hate weddings. I really really do. I don't even want to get married right now. I'm just so disgusted with the whole fucking thing.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Yup, that's right folks, we're engaged. Chris asked me to marry him the Sunday before last, and I, of course, said yes.

Sadly, there is no story to tell. I vaguely remember the first and last sentences he said. He started with, "I know we haven't discussed marriage yet..." And my brain went into hyperventilation overdrive thinking: Oh gods. Oh gods. He's going to ask me to marry him, isn't he? Isn't he?? Oh gods. So everything is a blur. Oops. He did end with something about not having a ring, but that we could get one.

I'm really rather hoping we go through with that. I know it's cliché, and likely not feminist of me, but I really do want a pretty ring. It doesn't have to be the traditional diamond. But I want a ring. I think this whole thing will seem more real to me with a ring on my finger.

One of my best friends, Sabrina, had her engagement, and wedding bands made by some custom jeweler. He did a lovely job. I really like their rings. So I've asked her for his info. Hopefully we can at least get my engagement ring from him. I'm thinking I want either something with a lab-created ruby or a black freshwater pearl. I really can't decide. Whether or not this jeweler can get lab-created rubies will likely help me decide. Though I hope he can, as I think I'm kinda leaning towards the ruby.

So wedding. There is going to be a wedding. My first thought when Chris asked me, after the initial shock, was: "Oh gods. I have to plan a wedding." Thankfully, with Sabrina and Angie both married, I've given some thought to what I want for my wedding.

First things first, I want a small wedding. As small as I can possibly manage it. Family only, and even then, not very much of my family. My grandparents, who raised me, have ten children. Just inviting them and their spouses would be bigger than I want to go. So I've decided to only invite a few, and no cousins. Sabrina, Angie and Neda are invited, but they are family to me. I've known them all for twenty years now. Gods, how the time flies!

Secondly, I want to get married in a red taffeta dress. Preferably with red running shoes underneath so I can be comfy. I've never much cared for wedding dresses. At my size I think I'd look frightening in a white, lacy, beaded monstrosity. A big blindingly white blimp. No thank you. I'd much rather be a red blimp. Also, I'm not a virgin!! I've been living with Chris in a tiny bachelor's apartment for a year now, and dating him for three. Honestly. I have no desire to pretend I'm something I'm not. And I look good in red, damnit. It must be taffeta, it's one of the prettiest fabrics I've ever seen. Besides, when am I ever going to get another chance to wear it?

Third, I don't want to get married in a church. Chris and I are both atheists. I would not feel comfortable in a church. It just smacks of too much wrong for me.

The reception has always been a hard point for me when thinking about getting married. On the one hand I don't want hoopla, on the other, I do want to share the occasion and the day with my family. So Chris and I have decided on a daytime wedding, meaning we'll have the ceremony in the morning, directly followed by a lunch reception. This I think, will suit ours and our families needs best.

One of the hardest parts for me is convincing my oldest friends I don't want hoopla. They can't seem to understand it. I've had enough hoopla to last me a lifetime with Angie and Sabrina's weddings. I don't want hoopla. I don't want to put them or my family or myself through that.

No Engagement Party, no bridal shower, no stag & doe, no bachelorette night, none of that hoopla. It's just too much. Heck, I'm not even having a 'wedding party'. I don't want a maid of honour, bridesmaids, groomsmen, a flower girl, a ring bearer - the list goes on. It's all just too much.

I don't want any of that. I don't want to deal with it and all the stress that goes along with it. I just want to get married and have the people I love most there to see it happen. That's it.

I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize, as they say, while I plan this. I really don't want hoopla. I have to watch myself and not get suckered into it.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


I was in a good mood yesterday evening as we walked from the bus stop to the event we were going to. I started babbling at Chris. It's not like I had anything useful to say, I just wanted to share my day with him, I guess. He cut me off and said, "you need friends to talk to", or something similar, stating he'd had a long day, not stating but meaning he didn't want to hear it. So I just shut up.

He's right though. I do need friends. Trouble is I don't have any anymore. I don't know anyone I can talk to about nothing, everything, anything. I miss it. I miss Neda. She's the only one I could ever just talk to. I miss that so very much. There's a big whole in my life where she used to be, and it won't ever be full again.

I've never really had many friends. The childhood friends I've grown up with really only became my friends because, well, we all love Neda so much, so we ended up friends. Now she's gone and so are they. It's not like I have anything in common with them anymore anyway. I always feel kinda awkward talking to them because we live in such different worlds now.

I don't really know many people in Toronto. I have some acquaintances, and they're nice enough, but... I'm just bad with people I guess. I don't know. I can't seem to make an actual connection. I never know what to say. I feel incapable of starting up a conversation. I'm certianly incapable of keeping one going. :( I'm just.. full of fail.

I miss having friends, I really do. I wish I knew how to 'make friends' but I don't. I never have.

Poor Mike, he's been a saint. I bug him all the time, and he always listens. It's really nice. I'm so very glad I met him. Even if he is all the way on the other side of the continent, in a different country, he really is the best friend I've got. I'm really glad IAM is around, I would never have met him otherwise.

But I talk to him online. It's not the same as having a living, breathing person in front of you to talk to. Maybe that's why I like going to visit my parents so much these past few months... My mom lets me talk her ear off. We have actual conversations. It's nice. It's really nice. I wonder if she has any idea just how lonely I've been lately... I think sometimes I push her pateince, I talk at her so much when I go home, but she lets me talk anyway because she's my mom. Gods bless her. She's a wonderful woman, my mom. I wish I could be more like her.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

One Compromise after another....

  1. Clean Fridge - both sections
  2. Sweep/vacuum/wash kitchen floor (whatever it takes to get it cleanish)
  3. Eat something
  4. Shower
  5. Groceries
  6. Laundry

I got the first three done...

Took two hours to clean the fridge! There was something growing in it, that was once an onion I think. ICK. I touched it bare-handed. I really need rubber/latex gloves! There was also a soaked towel's worth of water sitting in the bottom of the fridge. Yuck. Will have to talk to the super about that. This is the second time I've cleaned it up (at least this time the water was clear and not black) and it's started to leak on the floor even. Not cool. Anyway, after cleaning, my bad knee and my back are killing me!

I washed the floor by hand, since I had the bucket and rag right there. I did the dishes (not on the list but they needed doing), put some new potatoes in the oven to bake for dinner.

NEW potatoes! I'm soooo thrilled!! Squeeee!! I love love LOVE potatoes, and recently we've been getting bags of literally half rotten potatoes. It's criminal what they'll sell! So new potatoes have made me ridiculously happy! New! And they're just lovely too!! :D :D :D

So yeah, now my back is so damn sore, I don't know whether or not I want to lay down with my lumbar pillow to ease the pain or just have a shower and try to keep going.

There is a rain/thunder storm coming. I can feel it. My fucking head can feel it. The migraine is just at the edges of my consciousness peeking in, waiting, like doom. *sigh* I know there is only so much more I'll be able to do today before the pain takes hold in every part of me and I'll crumble. I just hate letting it win damnit!

I know the smart thing to do would be to shower, and start on the laundry. Chris needs clean laundry or he won't have anything to wear tomorrow. I also need to do a load of towels as most of them are dirty. I can skip groceries today, and we'll be fine. I can thaw some meat and we can have frozen veggies. Not the end of the world.

But Chris told me to get some exercise today.... And I know he's right, and I should.. It's just... I can only do so much. The poor man is on call, which means he likely won't get home until 7pm, he'll be exhausted and he'll likely have to deal with more work. If I do laundry it's just one less thing he has to worry about, ya know?

I feel like my life is a constant battle with the pain, forever making compromises between what I want to do and what the pain will let me do. *sigh* I really hate letting it win. Every compromise feels like a win for the pain...

But I'm just not strong enough any more to fight it like I used to! I spent years fighting chronic pain. Constantly battling just to survive the day. I felt like I won when I got up and went to work and barely existed. Staying sane was a huge win. Every day I would wonder at how I was still actually sane.

Perhaps I wasn't entirely sane. I mean, who goes to work and tries to do their job when they are in so much pain they feel they need to be in a padded room so they can bang their head against the wall??

Still, I wish I had that same drive, that same tolerance. These days, all it takes is 2-3 days of constant pain, and I crumble. I just can't get up and pretend like everything's okay, like I'm okay. I just can't. Because I'm not okay, damnit. The pain wins. I hide from the sun, from all light and sound. I curl up on my bed and try not to be conscious, because that's the only escape I have.

Doctors can't help me. I, or rather Chris, has spent over $1000 on drugs this year that have done WAY more harm than good. Fucking gabapentin has permanently fucked up my joints. I was fine until I took it. Now I can't sit, stand, walk or lay down without my freaking knees hurting!

I feel so trapped by the pain. I can't escape it. No matter what I do, it's still there. There in the background just lurking - and that's the good days! Bad days, pain is the entirety of my world. I can't sleep from the pain many nights. I can't even cuddle Chris, because I feel too claustrophobic! I panic when I'm trapped, and the pain makes me feel trapped. Trapped in my body with it and with no way out. Being touched becomes unbearable, just another straw closer to breaking.

I wish I knew how to manage it better. I really do. But almost nothing seems to help. Exercise actually does help the headaches. But when the pain is every day, all day long, it's so hard to force myself to go out and do something. Frankly, most days I just can't. I'm not strong enough. Now that both my knees and my feet are pretty fucked, it makes it even harder, because my favourite thing, the only thing that's ever worked for me is walking.. And now I'm like a ticking time bomb. There is only so much I can do each day before they start to ache. :(

Monday, July 27, 2009

Mom's Birthday Sweater (and Cake)!

Waaaaay back in December I cast on to knit my mommy a sweater. I finished it not a week or so before her birthday in March. I've been really lax in posting about it - I'm a bad poster, what can I say. Actually, I can say this, my lack of posting has absolutely nothing to do with the sweater itself! It was a joy to knit.

I used Cascade 220 superwash. It was the first time I'd used it, and frankly, it's lovely! It's even softer after it's been washed! I really loved the feel of it as I was knitting. Also, great stitch definition, and seemingly no desire to pile. The best part: it's actually affordable! I bought 8 balls of it, I believe, for $10.99 each, which was just enough for the sweater with about 1/4th a ball left over. I admit to freaking out about not having enough yarn, it really didn't look like it'd be enough, in the end, thankfully it was.

Vine Detail of Mom's Sweater

I used the Climbing Vines pattern from Interweave Knits Fall/Winter 2008 as a base. I didn't have the same gauge, I also wanted it longer, long sleeved, and a v-neck, since mom likes them best. I worked from my mom's measurements instead of any given by the pattern since I wanted it to, you know, fit her. I re-did all the math myself. The only place I used the pattern was when I was doing the sleeve caps and rounding the shoulder area of the body. I don't know how to do that bit, and I've yet to find a book explaining the technique, so I went by the instructions that matched closest with my starting number of stitches. All in all I think it worked out beautifully.

Neck Detail of Mom's Sweater

My mom really likes it, and actually wore it for her birthday dinner with the family, so I could not be happier. Without further ado, the finished sweater! (Yes, I still need to actually get a picture of her in it.)

Mom's Sweater

For some reason this sweater was terribly hard to photograph. The first two photos above do no justice whatsoever to the lovely colour of it! The one directly above is closest. It's a pale, bright blue. Like a summer sky on a clear, sunny day. Can you remember that colour? I know it's hard for me, we've has so few clear, sunny days around these parts.

Did I mention that I also made my mommy's birthday cake? I did. I used SmittenKitchen's Double Chocolate Layer cake recipe. OMFG, the best chocolate cake I have ever had in my entire life. Seriously.

Mom's cake in natural lighting

I used the ganache recipe for the filling. So simple. So good. So fool proof, or chocolate-impaired proof. Both my mom and myself love cream cheese frosting, so that's what I topped it with. I love the combination of sweet, rich cake, with the more tangy cream cheese frosting. So good. I tinted the frosting a robin's egg blue (or as close as I could get), as it's mom's absolute favourite colour. Then I tinted left over icing in a pastel green for the lettering. This is only the third time I've ever tried to do letting on a cake. Cut me some slack. It is not easy!

Top of Mom's cake

I was pretty pleased with how it turned out. The cake was huge. 9 inches around, and about 5 inches high. Huge. There were 35 people there (not that everyone had some, it was buffet afterall), but there was half a cake left over! Everyone enjoyed it; I know I sure did. It tasted flipping amazing! My mommy loved it, which is what really counts. She had been craving rich, moist chocolate cake, and I delivered! :D Baked from scratch. Yeah, that's right. Not from a box. Go me!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Finally got my hair cut!

This is my fave, not sure why

It's 3 inches shorter than it was when I walked in. I had to use the flat iron to get it to this state, not something I'll have the patience for every day. Will have to figure out a way to keep the bangs/frilly edges at the front from driving me batshit insane.

Considering it's a $15 haircut, it's pretty damn good. The only real complaint is the way it's feathered at the front doesn't allow for my natural curls to shine, instead it seems to be cut at just the wrong spot so they look sickly and messy. bah. In a few months it should grow out enough that it won't make me crazy. I hope. Since I can't even put my hair in a pony tail without giving myself a headache.

My allergeis are kicking my ass today, and making me feel like death warmed over. I'll post more soon about my lovely new sunshine shawl, and the yummy birthday baking I did. Shittiest birthday I've had since I was 14, but at least the cake was fabulous, even if I do say so myself.

Friday, June 19, 2009

My First Shawl

Way back in March, I was in Hamilton visiting my parents, and for reasons I cannot fathom, I did not bring enough knitting! So I was there, with a 4.5 mm circular needle, most of my stash, but very limited patterns at hand. What I did have was the pattern for the very lovely Shetland Triangle shawl, I knew if I could just find a thin enough yarn, it would work. Thankfully I have two balls of's Quencha, a sport weight alpaca blend. Just right!

So I started that shawl, knowing I'd have to buy more yarn - 2 balls would just never be enough - and hoping that new order would match my old yarn. I came into it with the knowledge it would never be perfect, and for once in my life being totally okay with that. It was just something to fill my time and keep my fingers busy. I felt then, that if I wasnt' knitting I was going to go stir crazy, so regardless of how it turned out, I would at least be entertaining myself. No pressure at all. What a wonderful way to start a lace project!!

It's taken me until today to be offically finished. I've knit other things inbetween, or at least, one other thing - a February Baby sweater, pictures to come when I get them from my mom, yes I forgot my camera. doh. So the shawl actually knit up pretty fast, I did use 640.5 yards (585.7m) of yarn afterall! It was an addictive knit. I loved the pattern, watching it grow, the simple reapeat that was so easy to remember, yet to fulfilling to execute.

The blocking process for a shawl was utterly new for me. Usually I don't block anything! This had to be blocked, and it had to be done just right becuase it was going to stay in that position! I bought blocking wires from Knitpicks as I couldn't find a good local source. Once I bought them I, of course, stumbled on a thread on Ravelry that told me where to get them on the cheap. Oh well, next time! I waited very impatiently for the wires - the shawl had been done for about a week, and I wanted so badly to block it already.

Pinned, Stretched and Wired up

I blocked it the day the wires got to me! It took me over an hour to thread the wires and get it blocked out as evenly as I could. Man, what a pain in the ass that was! Seeing as we live in a small apartment, and the shawl, once blocked was really not small, the only available floor space to let it dry was under the bed. Thankfully it fit perfectly!

Shawl Under the Bed
I'm just thrilled with how it's turned out. I could not be more happy in fact. I don't think it could be any more lovely than it is, little mistakes and all. I bet you can't spot them either! :D

Blocked Shawl

Here's a close up of the tip. I'm so pleased with how the 'points' turned out! Just the hint of pointy-ness, exactly what I wanted. It may have taken a lot of effort to block it, but it sure was worth it.

Shawl Tail on Couch

This experiece has got me hooked on lace! I've got two more shawls on needles now, and skeins of yarn wating to make a third! I love this pattern so much I'm sure to make another one, at some point, at well :)

Saturday, May 30, 2009

My Table

Last fall I started my very first solo 'reno' project -- I decided to refinish our dining/computer table. This is a 20yr old, very solid, Ikea table Chris has inherited from his parents. Over the years it's gotten a lot of abuse and love. Recently however the top of the table has started to peel, chip, and generally loose bits of it's varnish coating. The tipping point for myself that it was loosing it's varnish by becoming splinters in my hands. So very uncool. So I decided to do something about it.

I've done a few wood stripping projects with my best girl Neda, and what I've learned is this:

  1. Chemical strippers burn like a mother-fucker when they hit your skin

  2. And no matter how careful you think you're being, you will get burned, dozens of times if you are anything like me

  3. Hand sanders, like most machinery scare me (to the point of refusing to use them)

  4. They also aren't the easiest things to control

  5. Gauges in tables also suck, and are much harder to get out than they are to get in

As a result of past experiences, and because I'm a little crazy frankly, I decided to sand the table top by hand. Just me and some sandpaper. What was I thinking?! If I do this again, I'm definitely going to suck it up and use a chemical. It would have gone soooo much faster. Still, the experience overall is very positive, so I don't regret my choice. I feel the table it more mine now because of all the time, effort and determination I've put into it.

It took me quite a few sessions, with sore muscles, raw fingertips, and a lot of dust, but I got it done - eventually.

Me, After 3 hrs of Hand Sanding
Just in case you didn't' believe me about the dust - I looked like this at the end of every session with the table

Trouble was, I kinda started the project late in the year. The cold weather hit us much quicker than I thought it would. So by the time the table was 95% sanded, it was just too cold to open up the apartment to finish it, ventilation being key.

Last week (or was it the week before now? I can't remember) we had some really nice weather, so I took to my table again. After another 4 hours of hard labour sanding the table top, it was finally ready to be finished!

Sanded Table

I picked polyurethane because it was fast, and frankly because it would take far fewer coats to get a reliable surface. We do eat and compute off this table, any finish needed to be able to stand up to our wear and tear. Took me two days of coating, and letting it dry, with ever window and door open in the place, and a fan blowing out the noxious fumes - man does that stuff smell vile! Kills brain cells too, if not ventilated. I spent most of my time out or on the balcony to negate that possibility.

The end result: Almost Like Glass!!!
Finished Table! So Proud!

I'm so proud. Honestly, I'm thrilled with how it turned out. The polyurethane tinted the wood just enough that it's the exact same colour of the legs! Or, more accurately, I didn't sand down past the finish time had put on the wood! Yay! I think it looks great. I could not possibly be happier. It's so smoooooooth! :D Go me!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Knitting FO Parade - 2008

I can't believe it's been sooooo long since I've talked about/shown off my knitting! It's not like I haven't been knitting; I have! Doh.

Here it is May 2009, and I realise I've not shown you anything since last summer!!

Time to set things right!

September 2008

I knit Sushi! And even made it a little bento box to complete the look. I didn't have/use any patterns, I just went by pictures I found on the internet. I knit this as a birthday gift for a friend that loves sushi. I'm incredibly proud of how it all turned out.

Sushi in Box

Especailly the Ginger Rose:
Ginger Rose and Wasabi close-up

I knit a sweater and hat set for Chris' newest nephew, Cooper. I used Knitty's Trellis pattern, but modified it a little, and designed or unvented as EZ would say, a hat to go with it. I knit this in Mission Falls Supwerwash wool. It was my first time working with it, but certainly not my last! It was such a pleasure to knit with! And to touch! There just aren't words for how soft and luxurious this yarn is! And it's soooo reasonably priced too!

Cooper's Sweater And Hat

Cooper's mommy, and her mommy both loved it! She even took pictures of him in it later in the fall! I was thrilled. I got to see him in it too, when Mommy and son came to visit in January. It looked soo cute on him! :D I love seeing things fit, and mommy's happy with my work. It makes it all worth while when my work is appreciated, I tell you what.

October 2008

I knit a Jester's Hat, and matching mittens for Chris'other nephew, Callum, for his first bday. I've only met Callum once, when he was 5 months old. I had no idea how big to make either the mits or the hat. So I guessed. I found 'averages' online, and guessed somewhere in the middle. I made the mittens in the smallest size pattern I could find, and hoped they'd be small enough (the pattern said it was for 2-4 year olds, so I made them a little shorter and hoped it would be enough). Lots of hope went into this one. Lots of fretting. I'm happy with how they turned out though. I think they were cute as could be.

Bear in hat and mitts, my fave
Seen here being moddeled by my teddy bear, Shakespere.

Hat and Mitts made for Callum

Sadly, I have no idea how they fit/if they really ever fit as my numerous requests to know were never answered. :( Not even a thank you. *sigh* I figured if they were too big when he got them he'd likely grow into them by the end of winter. They live in Montreal, winters are long there. I think he did grow into them. I hope he got to wear them... But like I said, I don't know as they never said boo to me about it. Very unsatisfactroy ending for me. Only stealed my opinion that knitting for children should be avoided!

November 2008

Sweater Curse Defeated!!

Finally, I finished Chris' sweater! Just in time for hime to wear it to my Family's Christmas party. I was as proud as any peacock! It's perfect! Or at least as perfect as I could get it. Once I saw him in it, and saw him smile, tearing out that one damn sleeve seven times was worth it. It fit like a glove! He looks so smashing in it too, I think, anyway.

Chris modelling his sweater

December 2008

Suprise Christmas knitting! I didn't think I was going to knit anything for Christmas, then I got the bright idea to knit slippers for Emyele, Cooper's mommy, and send her a kind of 'comfort' package. I based the size of the slippers on my feet since, from all the pictures I could find on Facebook of Emyele, she looked to be about my height. Again, I hoped I was gussing right. I unvented a pattern for the slippers since I couldn't find what I wanted. I knit them in a lovely grey wool blend that was machine washable. I was tickled pink with the result. Just what I envisioned.

Slippers for Emelye

Slippers, Me Modelling
Me modelling

They kinda remind me of Medival boots - something I didn't realise until I put them on. They were nice and warm too! They were also stretchy, so hopefully if her feet were bigger or smaller they'd still fit. Once again, I have no clue how they fit as I never got an answer. *sigh* I guess that means they were either not liked, or didn't fit. Very disappointing, but what can you do right? Mope. That's what I do!

I had a migraine one day in December, the kind that makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. That kind of pain. To distract myself I was on Ravelry pattern searching and found this pattern (Goldfish, I believe it's called) while looking for something else entirely. It made me smile. I had to make one. It was my bright spot through the pain. And now I loves him. My little Dope Fish.

Dope Fish! My fave pic

Dope Fish - Side View

I was so amused by my little fishie that I brought him home to show my mom. Both my parents got a kick out of him. He made them laugh and smile too. He's a charmer, my little Dope Fish. They always seem so impressed that I can knit things like that. heh. Anyway, my Pa suggested it would be a good toy for a baby since he has little fins that little baby hands could grab on to.

When I heard that Emyele was bringing Cooper to come meet Chris' family, I knew I had to knit one for him. I figured, even if he wasn't too interested in him, at least Emyele might get a kick out of him. I didn't take pictures of the second one. They are nearly identical. And frankly I finished him like the day before we went to meet Emyele and Cooper. I had just enough yarn in the same ball I used for mine to make Coopers. I was a couple yards away from not having enough. It was very nerve wracking as it I was knitting the fins on, I tell you what.

For New Years, Chris and I went to a Silly Hat New Years Eve party at a friends house. The idea was we would all wear silly hats. I bought Chris a sombaro, I think they call them. He looked so so so amusing. I giggled and laughed and clapped like a school girl seeing him in it. I have to say though, I do think mine was the silliest by far. I knit a raw chicken in the form of a viking helmet!

Viking Chicken Hat on backward

Viking Chicken Hat - Side View
Side View

I cannot take credit for the idea at all. I found it on Ravelry. The pattern was a little vague in how to do the decreasing and how to do the drumsticks, so I had to kinda make it up as I went along. The earflap instructions were aces though, and I'm very glad for it as I had no clue how to make them. I think it came out wonderfully myself. Everyone at the party liked it too, so that made me all more pleased.

That was the last thing I knit in 2008. I actually finished it on Christmas eve on the bus to Hamilton. Hopefully sooner, rather than later, I will post about the sweater I made my mommy. It really is lovely, and I'm ever so proud of it. But for now, this post is long enough!