Monday, November 23, 2009

Angry and Miserable.

I do not want to live like this. I'm tired of always being sore, of not being able to do anything, and getting lectured about how it's all my fault.

I wish I was dead.

For the first time in years, I really really want to die. The only issue is, I have no life insurance, so my parents would have to pay to have me buried, and they really can't afford that. My good for nothing father wouldn't help them with a red cent; he just wouldn't care.

Everyone would be better off, all I am now is a burden. And I'd get sweet, sweet oblivion.

I do not want to live like this. I just don't. There is nothing worth this. Nothing.

Watching the man I love slowly lose all respect for me. Watching as I turn his life into a hermited hell of only taking care of me, doing none of the things he actually wants to do. I can't. I can't do that to him. I can't suffer through it myself.

I may not do it on purpose. I did not choose this life for myself, but I'm stuck with it. I can't change the effects it has on everything. I'm powerless to make any difference whatsoever.

My life will always be pain. I will always have to fight just to get up in the morning. My entire life will always be this battle waged against the pain I suffer through. And I'm not strong enough. I can't keep doing this.

I want to die. I just want to die.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Frustrated Cripple.

I haven't gone to the gym all week, and I feel really guilty about it. Sunday Chris and I went to the Royal winter Fair, and I spent the rest of the day with ice on my knees they hurt so badly. Monday I went to Hamilton to visit the dentist. Tuesday I got groceries and made lasagna. If I'd gone to the gym I never would have been able to do that. Instead, I would have sat in bed all day with ice on my knees. As it was, I was in so much pain by the evening that I was limping when I walked across the street to the corner store for the aluminum foil I forgot to buy. Yesterday (Wednesday) I spent all day in bed, crying, because my knees, and my teeth hurt just that badly.

How am I ever going to improve or change anything when I'm always in so much pain?? I mean, it's a real fight for me just to get out of bed, there are days like yesterday where I can't even do that... I'm just SO frustrated. I don't want to be this person, but I don't think I'm strong enough be anything else.

I'm so miserable. I spent yesterday not wanting to be conscious. Between the pain and the horrible realisation I'm always going to be the fat cow I now am, it was just too much to bear. I want to go to the gym today, but I have to give blood at 1:30pm, and I have a 4pm appointment with Chris' brother. If I go to the gym I know I'll literally be in tears limping to my 4pm appointment. I hate it. I hate that this is what I am. So broken down and useless. :(

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


We took too long to get back to the lovely photographer and so she booked our date with someone else. I could cry. Oh, wait, I did. Very very disappointed. I really liked her work! I really liked her! She's so happy and upbeat. She really liked working weddings. She was willing to work within our budget and timeline! Hell, no one else even bothered to answer my email inquiries after I told them my date! At least a thrid of the photographers I've looked at want more than double what I have to spend. It's just horribly depressing thinking about starting my search all over again.

This even brings into question for me if I actually want a photographer at the wedding. I mean, ideally I would. Ideally, I'd be 50-100lbs slimmer as well, but that ain't going to happen either. *sigh* I really wanted to loose weight for the wedding, hell, I wanted to loose it period, but I'm beginning to realise it just isn't ever going to happen. I'm too broken. So I'm going to be the horrid fat cow I am now for my wedding. A disgusting fat blob in a red dress. I'm never going to want to look at our wedding photos. Every time I see them I'll cringe in shame, the same way I do when I see pictures of my fat, round self at my friends weddings. I looked horrible. This huge, unshaped blob, three times the size of everyone else. I don't want to see that. I know it's the truth, but I sure as fuck don't like it. And I don't want to see pictures of me, looking like a linebacker in a dress, standing next to skinny, little Chris. I just don't. I can't bare it.

I hate that I'm this fat. I hate that I gained back all the weight I lost. I hate it. And I feel so fucking helpless to do anything about it. Going to the gym might help, but most days I'm too fucking sore. I pushed myself and I went Saturday morning. I sat on a bike and I pushed, and pushed and pushed. It's Wednesday and I'm still fucking sore from that!!!!! I've sat with ice on my knees for days now. The only time my knees don't scream is when I have ice on them. I took 1200mg of ibuprofen yesterday hoping to dull the pain, and it did NOTHING. NOTHING!!! I've spent all morning in bed crying because my knees are fucking killing me.

How the hell am I supposed to go to the gym like this?! I had to limp across the street last night to make it to the convenience store! How the hell am I supposed to work an eliptical like this?! Swimming hurts a hell of a lot more than the eliptical, so don't bother suggesting it to me. If I try not to bend my knee, then there's intense pressure on the joint because I'm forcing it to be still, that's WAY fucking worse than actually moving it. What the hell am I supposed to do!?

I'm in so much pain. My teeth ache so so badly. I tried out my new night gaurd last night. I think it's fitted too snuggly. I mean snug is one thing, but my fucking teeth have been aching ever since I took it off! And my gums are all cut up from the sharp edge on the front. Ow. I've got a fucking tension headache from my teeth throbbing! How is this honestly supposed to help?? I can't see how this is a good thing at all. I just can't. I mean, is this right? Is this how it's supposed to fit?? I'm better off without it, if you ask me! I mean, my teeth are killing me! I'm in so much pain, I can't even tell if my jaw hurts, though I think it does, just less than my poor teeth.

I'm so frustrated. So very frustrated. Nothing seems to ever help. No matter what I do, I'm always in pain. If it's not one thing, it's another. My teeth hurt so badly I can barely register the headache. I suppose the 'good' part is, while my teeth feel like they are in a painful vise, my knees hurt less, only because the pain there is less immediate. Gods this is fucked up! I hate living like this! I hate it!!

I can't win for loosing, I think is the phrase. It seems to fit, anyway. I hurt. I always hurt. How the hell am I supposed to get more fit when I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning?! I don't want to be conscious. I don't want to be awake for this pain, nevermind DO anything. I'm miserable. I'm just miserable. I hate myself. I hate what my life has become. But most of all I hate feeling so fucking helpless to DO anything about it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

I mean, what's the point? Nothing I do ever makes any fucking difference. I'm always in pain. Always. I haven't been able to get any rest for days because the pain keeps waking me up. I just toss and turn and hurt. I don't want to live like this. I don't. I can't. It's too much to fucking bear. I keep trying to make things better, I try to take care of myself, I try to be active, I try to manage my pain, but nothing helps. Nothing I do ever makes any fucking difference at all. So why should I even bother trying?! What's the point? I'm just going to end up miserable and in pain, just like I am now. So why bother?!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Wedding Invitations

I feel like I've not posted in awhile, and should share something. In terms of knitting, I'm working on cotton dish clothes for my mommy. I actually did go and get some huge balls of cotton yarn, like I said I would. I bought this bright green and white ball, that's knitting up really pretty and cheery. I'd take a picture to share with you all, but frankly today I'm too lazy, so oh well. I also bought a ball of blue, purple, and white. They didn't have anything cheerful, that wasn't orange (my mom is not a fan), that didn't have white in it. I usually stay away from white because I worry it will stain too easily, but this is what I could get, so oh well. Also, have I mentioned how cheery and lovely the green is? I'm enamored I tell you.

So instead of sharing knitting pictures, I thought I'd share the proofs of our wedding invites. We are getting them from Vistapint Canada, on the advice of a friend of ours that got hers there a few years back. Because they always have sales going on, it's much cheaper to do it this way than it would be to even just buy wedding invites and print them myself. And this way we get pretty colour ones!

Of course I picked the design and did the wording. I got clearance/acceptance from Chris of course, but I put forth the effort. I'm the one that cares the most, so I figured, I should do it. So without, any further ado, here they are!

Wedding Invite Proof -Outside

Wedding Invite Proof - Inside
Inside. I smudged our private info of course.

One of my best friends, Michael, said they reminded him of Cinderella. You know, when the fairy godmother is turning the pumpkin into a carriage? The pretty swirly pattern in the invites looks like her magic did. I hadn't really thought about it until he mentioned it, but he's right. frankly, my first thought about the invitations was that they weren't all white, and in any kind of traditional wedding style, which pleased me greatly. They aren't technically wedding invitations at all - the pattern is from the business section. I really don't like most wedding stuff. This suits me perfectly, even if it is a little princess-y.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

What's on My Needles

I haven't talked about my knitting in forever. It's not because I haven't been knitting, I assure you, I'm just... a terrible blogger.

So, I thought, what better way to get back into it, than talking/showing you all what's on my needles right now.

1. Black Armada Shawl
Black Armada Progress
About 20% done I think. On hold until Spring/Summer - there's SO not enough light to knit anything black this time of year! I'm planning to wear this shawl at my wedding next fall, it will be done in plenty of time, I have no doubt.

Black Armada Progress Shot - Centre Detail
Pretty isn't it?

2. Dishcloth for my Mom
Dishcloth on needles
I'm making my mom dishclothes for Christmas. She just loves the knit ones, and I can't blame her, I like them too. As you can see I've run out of yarn. One of my goals today is to go get another ball so I can finish this one, and get to making more.

3. Habitat Hat for Chris
Chris' Habitat Hat Progress
I've just completed the brim on this hat. I don't have a 5mm circular needle that's small enough to knit this hat on, so it's on hold until I can pick up a 16" circ.

4. Red Shetland Triangle Shawl
Red Shetland Triangle Swatch
I just started a swatch for this last night when I realised I had nothing I could knit and my fingers were going stir crazy. It's on 6mm needles. I'm not sure I like it, it's too loose for what I'm going for. I think I might just try it next on 5mm needles, which is what the yarn calls for, as I'm wanting something very dense. We'll see. I maybe scrap this until Spring, I'm just not sure.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

'Hearing Test'

The Teenager Audio Test - Can you hear this sound?
Created by Oatmeal

Apparently both Chris and I passed, as we could hear it, but only faintly. A 24 yr old friend said she dropped what she had in her hand at the time, she found it so alarming. Strange. So I guess our old ears aren't as old as they could be?

Friday, November 6, 2009


So I went to the grocery store today...for the first time in a long time. Chronic pain is kicking my ass lately, but I'm starting to feel a bit better, thank the gods.

Well, I wanted to get meat for supper. I didn't know what to get so I started looking at prices. I found the deal of a life-time - assuming the meat is worth eating, I've never bought this before. The package says it's half a pork sirloin. If you ask me, it's a quarter of the pig!

Big Slab O'Pig

It doesn't look very big in this picture, I do realise. That's because it's sitting next to the huge, head-sized butternut squash I also bought. Check out this shot below, with a six inch ruler at the bottom for scale.

Big Slab O'Pig, with Ruler for Scale

See. I told you it was big. It's 2.5 kilos for pete's sake! And all for $5.53! How do you like those apples?! Crazy. I hope it's tasty! I'm sure I can cook it to our satisfation. Slow roasting might be best. I really don't know. I certainly have enough that I can experiment.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Halloween Pictures!

As I've mentioned, Chris and I were Lucy, Daughter of the Devil, and her dad Satan. I was, of course Lucy, and Chris Satan. It was my idea, so I bought what we needed, and even helped Chris get his horns glued on.

Chris putting on his horns
Chris gluing on his horns.

Here's my waiting for Chris to be done - my costume was a lot less involved.

Lucy and Satan
Chris and I together, before we went out for the night.

It was really warm at the apartment party we went to, so unfortunately Chris' horns did not stay glued on. I think it was the conbination of sweaty skin, and heavy horns that did it. If we do horns again, I'm leaving them/making sure I get them on thin stretchy cord so we don't have to glue them anywhere.

Chris got lots of attention; everyone was so impressed with his make-up. And likely the beard - apparently it itched like crazy, poor man! He bore it like a trooper though. All in all we had a fun time, but I think next year we need to have less involved (no face paint), and cooler (man was it hot in there!) costumes. Live and learn I guess!

I also made pumpkine cheesecake squares for the occasion, which, I'm only realising now, I never got any pictures of! *gasp* I guess I'll just have to make it again sometime? ;) They really were quite yummy. Though, I think if I make it again, I'll make it in pie or cake form, it really was too met and mushy to be proper squares, good though! So good. Everyone liked them. :D

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I've been in too much pain for too long. I'm really tired of it all. Today the pain isn't too bad. Really, I should be able to go and do things, but I'm just so worn out. I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I want oblivion. I want a taste of fucking relief.

I just can't take this. Day in and day out. All day, all night. I'm hounded by it. Haunted by it. It's with me always. A horrible, heavy constant in my life. I don't even have the strength of mind to deal with the lower levels of pain I have today. It's all just too fucking much.

I want some relief! I want some gods damned relief!!! Is that too much to ask?!

Every day. Every fucking moment of every day. Even when I sleep I don't get a reprieve! I wake up again, and again, and again. I toss and turn. The pain a searing, shining constant. I even dream about the pain. It invades everything.

It's been so long since I've been without pain, I barely remember what it's like. I can handle daily low levels. It's not fun, it's not easy, but it's bearable. I can still do some things, not everything, that's for fucking sure, but I can do some things. The past few days, I don't even know how long because time slows down when you're in this much pain, it's been bad, really really bad. Yesterday I never left my bed because I just couldn't bear it. The pain was too much, I didn't want to move. I really didn't want to be conscious. It was all I could do to just exisit. That's where all my energy went. In trying to survive.

It wasn't the worst pain I've had, but when you live with chronic pain, and you have 7-10 days of really bad pain all in a row that nothing helps to even lesson, there comes a point where you are going to crack. I'm only human. There is only so much I can take. Yesterday was my breaking point. I realised I had no more reserves left, no more energy to keep on fighting. I'm was at empty. I'm still at emtpy.

I want to be done now. I just can't take it anymore. Can I be done now?! I just want the pain to lessen. I know I'll never be free of it. But I can't handle this. Not this much. Not every fucking day. I can't. I just can't do it. I'm not that strong. I'm just not.

I want to do things today, I do. Honestly, I do. But what I want more is to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to cry until I have no more breath, until there is nothing left of me, until I fall into an exhausted sleep. Perhaps then I could get some releif.. But with my luck the pain would just follow me, and I would get no rest. No rest at all.

And it really doesn't help that there is some soft of very loud power tool being used just outside my apartment. *growl* WTF. Gods bless our super, but it's WAY too fucking hot in here to not have the window open. I'm in hell. I'm in my own personal hell.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

NaNoSweMo (National Sweater Knitting Month)

Hrm... Some lovely knitter invented, or perhaps unvented, NaNoSweNo, in honour of NaNoWriMo!

Now, as we have all likely guessed, I couldn't write a novel to save my life, nevermind doing it in a month! But a sweater? A sweater I might be able to do. It's certainly a very tempting idea!

Though.... I just realised, I have actual christmas knitting to do. I don't know what to get my mommy, and she asked for dishclothes, so really, I should be knitting those. 12 of them does take up a lot of time for me, as each is about 4 hours of knitting. I also need to fix Chris' hat, and try to knit one for me.... Maybe two really.

Bah. I'm just not a joiner I guess.