Thursday, October 30, 2008

Willful Misunderstanding?

I gave myself a migraine today. Totally by accident of course. Who would ever willingly submit themselves to unending mind-altering pain?!

You know that old joke:

Patient: Doctor it hurts when I do this. [Patient acts out some motion]
Doctor: Then don't do that!

Well, that would be my trouble in a nutshell.

Every time I touch my temples I give myself a migraine. A raging, please-kill-me, I-can't-think, migraine. Every time.

So don't do that, right? Have you ever tired that? I mean honestly tried to not touch a part of yourself? It just happens damnit! And to be honest, I don't touch my temples that often, so I forget. It's so easy to forget. But as soon as my fingers even so much as graze my temples they hurt, and I feel the headache building. Not a fucking thing I can do about it at that point of course.

Fuck it hurts so incredibly bad. *pouts*

Why on earth would such a simple thing, such a light touch cause this much pain? How?? How is this even possible?!

I wish I could cry, but I can't even do that. It's too overwhemling. :(

I feel so very frustrated. There is NOTHING I can take. All I have are a few(very few) tylenol 3s, and I'm pretty sure even three of them wouldn't help me right now. There isn't a gods damn thing that can help. I can't even fucking sleep cause I'm in too much pain. I'm going to toss and turn all night. *sigh*

I wanted to bitch about Chris, and how I think sometimes he willfully misunderstands me.. That's most certainly how it feels lately. He never lets me finish what I'm saying, he just starts in lecturing me about how I'm going about things all wrong. Seriously fucking annoying that. Frustrating. Infuriating actually. Bah. Oh well. It's times like these I wonder how it's all going to end....

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Sweater Curse

I'm starting to believe in the Sweater Curse.
Now, I don't think Chris and I are in trouble, far from it, but that damn sweater sure is! It's very probable we could break up before the damn thing was done because it's never going to be done! One step forward, two steps back. Literally.


I've never been this frustrated with anything I've ever knit before. I've ripped out the whole sleeve twice, and had to rip back at least five other times on it!! Damn thing. I'm having sooo much trouble with it.

My gauge (in sleeve) is all over the place. The first time I started knitting the stockinette portion I knit it way too tight, I ripped back three inches and tried again. I overcompensated, it was way too loose, so I had to rip back again. Tried for a third time - better, but then the decreases were way off for the new gauge and had to rip back again. Started over, realised my gauge was now way too looose - I was overcompensation. Damnit. Ripped back. Now I'm starting over, for the seventh time with this sleeve.

Never more frustrated! Have I mentioned?? Oh. my. fucking. gods.

I'd take pictures, but I'm too lazy. And disgusted with it all frankly. Damn thing. I just want to get it done now. SO maddening.

It will be lovely when it's done, but right now it's just soooooo maddening.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Lucy, Daughter of the Devil

Devil: Hello?
Lucy: Hey it's me. I need to borrow a hundred and eighty dollars. I wanna take a pottery class.
Devil: Um, I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars, so...No!
Lucy: Where are you?
Devil: Oh, I'm at my dildo factory.
Lucy: You have a dildo factory?
Devil: Yeah, of course. Sinsperations.
Lucy: I know Sinsperations!
Devil: You do?
Lucy: Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...
Devil: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn't wanna hear Baby's ideas about dildos.
Lucy: No, it's a vibrator. It's the one...
Devil: No, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you, no.
Lucy: Dad! So prudish! I'm a big, big masturbator. I thought you knew that about me. It's kinda my thing.
Devil: Bye.
Lucy: You know what, I would love to come in and do product testing.
Devil: Bye, I shut my phone.
Lucy: Oh, do you have a Bring your Daughter to Work Day?

This show is just so damn funny. In that it's wrong but it's funny anyway, sort of way.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Aww, He's so damn sweet!

When I opened Yahoo messenger this morning I got this message(from yesterday afternoon):

Thursday, October 9, 2008, 2:24pm

Hello, I was just thinking about you. I hope you're having a good day and stuff. I could use a hug, my brain is glazing over.

He's such a sweet man. Now I wish he was here so I could hug him!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Truth Time

I'm hopeless. I mean that literally -- I've lost all hope.

I don't see the point in trying, I know I should, and I feel guilty about not trying, it eats me up, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's not just the lack of hope. There's lots of fear involved. I know I'll get overwhelmed. I always so. I just end up feeling useless, and powerless, and trapped. I don't want to go through that. I.. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know nothing good will come of it. I'm convinced at this point. So why torture myself? No matter how hard I try, no matter what 'game face' I put on, it's all pointless.

You see? I'm hopeless.

I wish I knew how to overcome this. I wish I was stronger, braver, something... But I'm not. I'm just me - a broken down mess.

You know, I'm not even sure at this point that I could hold down a full time job. I'm so flipping broken. Right now I get allergy shots every month, from the RN at my Doctor's office, in Hamilton. I'm not even sure how I'd be able to work that out with any kind of job. But that's not all. I'm broken. I can't walk or stand for any real length of time. So any job that requires me to be on my feet, I physically can no longer do. I have some kind of nerve bundle in my foot, and eventually I'll need to go see a specialist about that.. Gods know what kind of treatment that will require. I have chronic headaches, of varying kinds it seems. Incurable, so far untreatable. The pain is debilitating. I wish it was seen as an actual disability, perhaps then I could get government help in supporting myself, or finding a job....equal opportunity and all that. Right now it's just a major deterrent for anyone employing me or keeping me on. I'm quite sure it had a major role in my dismissal from my only real job.


The only reason I'm not totally and completely screwed right now is that my darling, darling man has decided to take care of me. I really don't feel like I deserve it. I'm a bad 'housewife', and he deserves better regardless. Right now I don't feel like I can do this for much longer; the guilt is eating me up. He's just too good to me; I don't deserve it. I feel like I should move back in with my parents, in a way... Somehow I think I'd feel less guilty about them taking care of me... Even though, not being here with Chris would be hard, really really hard... I'd miss him like crazy... And I know he'd miss me and... Gah... I just don't know what to do.... *sigh*