Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I've been in too much pain for too long. I'm really tired of it all. Today the pain isn't too bad. Really, I should be able to go and do things, but I'm just so worn out. I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I want oblivion. I want a taste of fucking relief.

I just can't take this. Day in and day out. All day, all night. I'm hounded by it. Haunted by it. It's with me always. A horrible, heavy constant in my life. I don't even have the strength of mind to deal with the lower levels of pain I have today. It's all just too fucking much.

I want some relief! I want some gods damned relief!!! Is that too much to ask?!

Every day. Every fucking moment of every day. Even when I sleep I don't get a reprieve! I wake up again, and again, and again. I toss and turn. The pain a searing, shining constant. I even dream about the pain. It invades everything.

It's been so long since I've been without pain, I barely remember what it's like. I can handle daily low levels. It's not fun, it's not easy, but it's bearable. I can still do some things, not everything, that's for fucking sure, but I can do some things. The past few days, I don't even know how long because time slows down when you're in this much pain, it's been bad, really really bad. Yesterday I never left my bed because I just couldn't bear it. The pain was too much, I didn't want to move. I really didn't want to be conscious. It was all I could do to just exisit. That's where all my energy went. In trying to survive.

It wasn't the worst pain I've had, but when you live with chronic pain, and you have 7-10 days of really bad pain all in a row that nothing helps to even lesson, there comes a point where you are going to crack. I'm only human. There is only so much I can take. Yesterday was my breaking point. I realised I had no more reserves left, no more energy to keep on fighting. I'm was at empty. I'm still at emtpy.

I want to be done now. I just can't take it anymore. Can I be done now?! I just want the pain to lessen. I know I'll never be free of it. But I can't handle this. Not this much. Not every fucking day. I can't. I just can't do it. I'm not that strong. I'm just not.

I want to do things today, I do. Honestly, I do. But what I want more is to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to cry until I have no more breath, until there is nothing left of me, until I fall into an exhausted sleep. Perhaps then I could get some releif.. But with my luck the pain would just follow me, and I would get no rest. No rest at all.

And it really doesn't help that there is some soft of very loud power tool being used just outside my apartment. *growl* WTF. Gods bless our super, but it's WAY too fucking hot in here to not have the window open. I'm in hell. I'm in my own personal hell.

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