Victory

Chronic pain means choosing your battles. There is only so much you can do in one day before all your energy and motivation is gone, and you need to curl up and focus what's left of your energy on just getting through the day.

Yesterday I picked making the desert for Saturday night's Halloween Party. I wanted it done ahead of time so I wouldn't stress about it. This meant I had to go to the grocery store, crush cookies to crumbs, and then make and bake said desert. It took me all afternoon frankly. And when I was done, I was done.

I really wanted to get laundry done too, but what with my uterus kicking my ass, and my jaw so extremely sore, I just didn't have the energy. I've been clenching my jaw as a subconscious way to deal with the headache pain. Well, it's come home to roost. Now my jaw aches constantly no matter what I do. I'm trying to baby it, but it's a battle.

Today, I choose going to the gym as my battle. My goal was 20 minutes of cardio and to do the weighted workout my personal trainer set up for me. I did 40 minutes of cardio - go me! Those last 20 minutes were harder than they normally are, but kept going, slower than normal, but still working my heart and muscles. I was proud of myself. Then I did the weighted workout. To be honest I did 3 sets of everything instead of the 2 she set out. If felt too easy. I did only do 30 of the ball passes, as she suggested though. Those kill my abs! They're sooo much harder than they look! Then I stretched out really well. I took the time. I think this is why I don't feel as tight as I did the night of my first workout. The real test will be to see how I feel tomorrow though.

Again, there are other things I would have liked to have done today, but again, I have to pick my battles. I only have limited energy and gumption. Frankly, today all I wanted to do was lay in my bed curled up in a ball. I'm tickled pink, I got up, got dressed, and did anything at all.

Today feels like a victory. I hurt. I admitted it. I took what painkillers I have, and only when I felt better did I try to do something. Pushing through the horrible pain doesn't build character, it just hurts. But I can't do nothing when I have pain, I have pain every day. But that doesn't mean I should try to carry on as if nothing is wrong, especially when the pain is so bad I can't think. I'm just now learning what it means to manage my pain. But, boys oh boys, what I wouldn't give to one day be pain free!

That's part of why I'm pushing now. I was pain free for a year. Really pain free. I want to get there again. I think I can get there again, I need to believe it, or I'll go stark raving mad.

I need to be more active. I need to loose weight. I need to stress less. This is what I did last time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stress less, but I'm trying to at least manage what triggers I can; I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do, all anyone can ask of me.