Tuesday, July 28, 2009

One Compromise after another....

  1. Clean Fridge - both sections
  2. Sweep/vacuum/wash kitchen floor (whatever it takes to get it cleanish)
  3. Eat something
  4. Shower
  5. Groceries
  6. Laundry

I got the first three done...

Took two hours to clean the fridge! There was something growing in it, that was once an onion I think. ICK. I touched it bare-handed. I really need rubber/latex gloves! There was also a soaked towel's worth of water sitting in the bottom of the fridge. Yuck. Will have to talk to the super about that. This is the second time I've cleaned it up (at least this time the water was clear and not black) and it's started to leak on the floor even. Not cool. Anyway, after cleaning, my bad knee and my back are killing me!

I washed the floor by hand, since I had the bucket and rag right there. I did the dishes (not on the list but they needed doing), put some new potatoes in the oven to bake for dinner.

NEW potatoes! I'm soooo thrilled!! Squeeee!! I love love LOVE potatoes, and recently we've been getting bags of literally half rotten potatoes. It's criminal what they'll sell! So new potatoes have made me ridiculously happy! New! And they're just lovely too!! :D :D :D

So yeah, now my back is so damn sore, I don't know whether or not I want to lay down with my lumbar pillow to ease the pain or just have a shower and try to keep going.

There is a rain/thunder storm coming. I can feel it. My fucking head can feel it. The migraine is just at the edges of my consciousness peeking in, waiting, like doom. *sigh* I know there is only so much more I'll be able to do today before the pain takes hold in every part of me and I'll crumble. I just hate letting it win damnit!

I know the smart thing to do would be to shower, and start on the laundry. Chris needs clean laundry or he won't have anything to wear tomorrow. I also need to do a load of towels as most of them are dirty. I can skip groceries today, and we'll be fine. I can thaw some meat and we can have frozen veggies. Not the end of the world.

But Chris told me to get some exercise today.... And I know he's right, and I should.. It's just... I can only do so much. The poor man is on call, which means he likely won't get home until 7pm, he'll be exhausted and he'll likely have to deal with more work. If I do laundry it's just one less thing he has to worry about, ya know?

I feel like my life is a constant battle with the pain, forever making compromises between what I want to do and what the pain will let me do. *sigh* I really hate letting it win. Every compromise feels like a win for the pain...

But I'm just not strong enough any more to fight it like I used to! I spent years fighting chronic pain. Constantly battling just to survive the day. I felt like I won when I got up and went to work and barely existed. Staying sane was a huge win. Every day I would wonder at how I was still actually sane.

Perhaps I wasn't entirely sane. I mean, who goes to work and tries to do their job when they are in so much pain they feel they need to be in a padded room so they can bang their head against the wall??

Still, I wish I had that same drive, that same tolerance. These days, all it takes is 2-3 days of constant pain, and I crumble. I just can't get up and pretend like everything's okay, like I'm okay. I just can't. Because I'm not okay, damnit. The pain wins. I hide from the sun, from all light and sound. I curl up on my bed and try not to be conscious, because that's the only escape I have.

Doctors can't help me. I, or rather Chris, has spent over $1000 on drugs this year that have done WAY more harm than good. Fucking gabapentin has permanently fucked up my joints. I was fine until I took it. Now I can't sit, stand, walk or lay down without my freaking knees hurting!

I feel so trapped by the pain. I can't escape it. No matter what I do, it's still there. There in the background just lurking - and that's the good days! Bad days, pain is the entirety of my world. I can't sleep from the pain many nights. I can't even cuddle Chris, because I feel too claustrophobic! I panic when I'm trapped, and the pain makes me feel trapped. Trapped in my body with it and with no way out. Being touched becomes unbearable, just another straw closer to breaking.

I wish I knew how to manage it better. I really do. But almost nothing seems to help. Exercise actually does help the headaches. But when the pain is every day, all day long, it's so hard to force myself to go out and do something. Frankly, most days I just can't. I'm not strong enough. Now that both my knees and my feet are pretty fucked, it makes it even harder, because my favourite thing, the only thing that's ever worked for me is walking.. And now I'm like a ticking time bomb. There is only so much I can do each day before they start to ache. :(

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