I hate weddings.

I really do hate weddings. Hate. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate weddings.

I'm really seriously considering just saying, "fuck it", to ALL of it and eloping. We can take our parents out to dinner at some point afterwards, and that's that.

I refuse to spend $10,000 on a wedding, hell, I can't even, in good conscience, spend more than $6000. I refuse to go into debt to pay for the wedding. I refuse to have others tell me (us) how to run our wedding, so funding isn't really an option here. And I can't figure out how to do it for less.

There are certain things I really want for the wedding - things I just can't compromise on. It's all or nothing for me. Going half-assed would be just as disappointing and frustrating as not doing it at all. More even really.

Engagement ring. Wedding bands. Red taffeta dress and red runners. Having my hair done. New suit for Chris (he doesn't own one). NOT getting married in a church. Getting married somewhere pretty, preferably outside. Having my loved ones at the wedding. My mom seeing me get married, especially. Making the wedding cake myself. Getting a chauffeured car (I am NOT taking public transit, nor depending on anyone to give me a ride). Having professional pictures taken.

But to do all that really means having a reception. Chris wants a reception. It's the only want he's really expressed. It's the only part I've really wanted to avoid. Having a reception means money. Lots of money. Receptions are money and life suckers. Gods I hate them. They make me realise why I hate weddings all over again.

I just can't figure out how to do all this without spending an atrocious amount of money. And when I think about what it would really cost it sickens me. The excess. The waste. And for what? All this hoopla and what do we really have to show for it at the end of the day?! It just all seems like too fucking much.

I'm torn. I'm really honestly torn.

I feel like I'm getting sucked in by the wedding void. It's a snowball taking me down the hill into hell. (Mixed metaphors, I know. I'm angry. Deal.) One thing leads to another and before you know it, you're 12 grand in the whole!

I don't want that! I really really don't want that, damnit.

But at the same time it breaks my freaking heart to think of getting married and NOT having my mommy there.

So I don't know what to do damnit. I just.. I don't know what to do.

If I could just figure out where to get married --- that wasn't going to cost me $2000 in rental fees, then we could just fudge the reception as brunch at some restraint. I'd just make reservations for a large group, and we'd eat with everyone else. There is only going to be 40 of us. A big enough restaurant wouldn't have an issue with that. It's doable.

But where the fuck could I hold the wedding? I really do want the pretty red dress. I don't think I could compromise on that one. I just.. I can't. I want the dress. So the location has to match. I'm not getting married in some community gym. It just wouldn't do. It wouldn't do at all. I'm just too spoiled for that. So where does that leave me?!?!

Fucking weddings. I hate weddings. I really really do. I don't even want to get married right now. I'm just so disgusted with the whole fucking thing.