Thursday, November 19, 2009

Frustrated Cripple.

I haven't gone to the gym all week, and I feel really guilty about it. Sunday Chris and I went to the Royal winter Fair, and I spent the rest of the day with ice on my knees they hurt so badly. Monday I went to Hamilton to visit the dentist. Tuesday I got groceries and made lasagna. If I'd gone to the gym I never would have been able to do that. Instead, I would have sat in bed all day with ice on my knees. As it was, I was in so much pain by the evening that I was limping when I walked across the street to the corner store for the aluminum foil I forgot to buy. Yesterday (Wednesday) I spent all day in bed, crying, because my knees, and my teeth hurt just that badly.

How am I ever going to improve or change anything when I'm always in so much pain?? I mean, it's a real fight for me just to get out of bed, there are days like yesterday where I can't even do that... I'm just SO frustrated. I don't want to be this person, but I don't think I'm strong enough be anything else.

I'm so miserable. I spent yesterday not wanting to be conscious. Between the pain and the horrible realisation I'm always going to be the fat cow I now am, it was just too much to bear. I want to go to the gym today, but I have to give blood at 1:30pm, and I have a 4pm appointment with Chris' brother. If I go to the gym I know I'll literally be in tears limping to my 4pm appointment. I hate it. I hate that this is what I am. So broken down and useless. :(

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