Wednesday, November 18, 2009


We took too long to get back to the lovely photographer and so she booked our date with someone else. I could cry. Oh, wait, I did. Very very disappointed. I really liked her work! I really liked her! She's so happy and upbeat. She really liked working weddings. She was willing to work within our budget and timeline! Hell, no one else even bothered to answer my email inquiries after I told them my date! At least a thrid of the photographers I've looked at want more than double what I have to spend. It's just horribly depressing thinking about starting my search all over again.

This even brings into question for me if I actually want a photographer at the wedding. I mean, ideally I would. Ideally, I'd be 50-100lbs slimmer as well, but that ain't going to happen either. *sigh* I really wanted to loose weight for the wedding, hell, I wanted to loose it period, but I'm beginning to realise it just isn't ever going to happen. I'm too broken. So I'm going to be the horrid fat cow I am now for my wedding. A disgusting fat blob in a red dress. I'm never going to want to look at our wedding photos. Every time I see them I'll cringe in shame, the same way I do when I see pictures of my fat, round self at my friends weddings. I looked horrible. This huge, unshaped blob, three times the size of everyone else. I don't want to see that. I know it's the truth, but I sure as fuck don't like it. And I don't want to see pictures of me, looking like a linebacker in a dress, standing next to skinny, little Chris. I just don't. I can't bare it.

I hate that I'm this fat. I hate that I gained back all the weight I lost. I hate it. And I feel so fucking helpless to do anything about it. Going to the gym might help, but most days I'm too fucking sore. I pushed myself and I went Saturday morning. I sat on a bike and I pushed, and pushed and pushed. It's Wednesday and I'm still fucking sore from that!!!!! I've sat with ice on my knees for days now. The only time my knees don't scream is when I have ice on them. I took 1200mg of ibuprofen yesterday hoping to dull the pain, and it did NOTHING. NOTHING!!! I've spent all morning in bed crying because my knees are fucking killing me.

How the hell am I supposed to go to the gym like this?! I had to limp across the street last night to make it to the convenience store! How the hell am I supposed to work an eliptical like this?! Swimming hurts a hell of a lot more than the eliptical, so don't bother suggesting it to me. If I try not to bend my knee, then there's intense pressure on the joint because I'm forcing it to be still, that's WAY fucking worse than actually moving it. What the hell am I supposed to do!?

I'm in so much pain. My teeth ache so so badly. I tried out my new night gaurd last night. I think it's fitted too snuggly. I mean snug is one thing, but my fucking teeth have been aching ever since I took it off! And my gums are all cut up from the sharp edge on the front. Ow. I've got a fucking tension headache from my teeth throbbing! How is this honestly supposed to help?? I can't see how this is a good thing at all. I just can't. I mean, is this right? Is this how it's supposed to fit?? I'm better off without it, if you ask me! I mean, my teeth are killing me! I'm in so much pain, I can't even tell if my jaw hurts, though I think it does, just less than my poor teeth.

I'm so frustrated. So very frustrated. Nothing seems to ever help. No matter what I do, I'm always in pain. If it's not one thing, it's another. My teeth hurt so badly I can barely register the headache. I suppose the 'good' part is, while my teeth feel like they are in a painful vise, my knees hurt less, only because the pain there is less immediate. Gods this is fucked up! I hate living like this! I hate it!!

I can't win for loosing, I think is the phrase. It seems to fit, anyway. I hurt. I always hurt. How the hell am I supposed to get more fit when I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning?! I don't want to be conscious. I don't want to be awake for this pain, nevermind DO anything. I'm miserable. I'm just miserable. I hate myself. I hate what my life has become. But most of all I hate feeling so fucking helpless to DO anything about it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

I mean, what's the point? Nothing I do ever makes any fucking difference. I'm always in pain. Always. I haven't been able to get any rest for days because the pain keeps waking me up. I just toss and turn and hurt. I don't want to live like this. I don't. I can't. It's too much to fucking bear. I keep trying to make things better, I try to take care of myself, I try to be active, I try to manage my pain, but nothing helps. Nothing I do ever makes any fucking difference at all. So why should I even bother trying?! What's the point? I'm just going to end up miserable and in pain, just like I am now. So why bother?!

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