I know, That's^^ a pretty damn obvious statement to anyone who knows what it is. But today I guess I'm just extra frustrated.
Nausea and pain seem to come hand in hand these days. Though today the nausea came first. Not 3 minutes later the pain came. Stupid headache that spreads it's tentacles down my neck and shoulders. I'm sure it's tension. I get the same fucking headache almost every day.... for the past two days at least it's been at almost exactly the same time. Really really odd that. I have no idea why.
Together the pain and the nausea are pretty crippling. I loose all my patience because of the pain, and I lose any gumption I may have mustered (on any given day) when the nausea hits. Right now I really want to just curl up in a ball and be unconscious. :(
I hate being this useless. I hate being so fucking crippled by a syndrome. Fucking fibro. It sucks I tell you.
If I take something for the pain, and it helps (always questionable), then the nausea will likely ease, but what to take? These days tylenol 2s are actually helping again, but I don't want to waste their usefulness on every piddling headache, I save it for the ones that make me feel like I'm going to loose what shred of sanity I have left. Ibuprofen doesn't seem to help anymore, so there isn't really anything else left to me. I mean, I could try it, or the robax platinum I have, but that only worked very marginally to begin with. It hasn't actually helped in months. :(
I just feel so very alone in it all. Fibro doesn't present in a way anyone can see and it makes me feel like no one really believes me. That people just think I'm lazy or unambitious or just plain a waste of space. I feel like a waste of space! And it's actually true, I'm not ambitious! But I would love to be able to work a regular full time job, be useful, make money, contribute to our little family in an actually meaningful way. But it's just not in the cards for me right now. And realistically, it may never be in the cards. I fully realise I'm likely going to be the reason we don't/can't afford the house Chris wants to very much. Without income from me, I just don't think we can swing it. Not in this city. *sigh* I feel the weight of my failure. And I see the looks of disbelief and judgment, even from those that I thought would understand. :(
Chris is great. I should say. He's more than great, he's amazing. He's actually okay with me not working if I can't. He just wants me to be happy and to get healthy, or at least as healthy as I can. He well and truly is just happy to have me around! How
sweet is that?! I have no idea how I lucked out so utterly, but I'm really really glad I did!
Still. I feel useless. I am useless. And I hate it...though not enough to 'soldier through' and force myself to do things when I feel like I'm going to vomit, or my head is going to fall off.
I have to say, my iq/intelligence really drops when I'm in this much pain. It's so damn hard to think. and in many ways I loose my patience to even try to think things through. I can't read more than a few short sentences with loosing all patience with whatever I'm reading. Never mind how hard it becomes to grasp what I'm reading. I really don't like feeling stupid. But the pain makes me even more vapid than I normally am. *sigh*
I know, I know, pity party, it doesn't do anyone any good. I'm just not strong like some people. I can't endure like I used to. I don't have the strength, the determination, or the endurance. It all feels so damn hopeless to me. I"m never going to be that person again, and if I don't manage that,t hen I'm never going to manage the gumption needed to dig myself out of this damn hole I'm in. Bah. Bah, I say.