How Lyrica Stole my Libido

Last winter I was hurting. A lot. Winter is worse for me. Even inside out of the cold, I still hurt more. Maybe I don't get enough sunshine? I don't really know.

Anyway. Point. I started taking more lyrica to combat the pain. I tried 225mg in the morning and at night; it was too much. After a few days my brain was just constantly fuzzy, and I felt kinda high. Like time wasn't moving right, and my brain didn't work. So I backed down to 225mg in the morning and 150mg at night, that seemed to work better. I was only fuzzy the first night, then my body got used to it.

I thought it was helping, and maybe for the winter it did. Ever so subtly though, it stole away my libido. There were other things going on though. I was in a lot of pain. I was stressed out, mostly because of the pain. I was battling depression, all of these things make me want sexy times less.

This November, for NANO, I tried to write a romance. I think I actually got more of a light weight mystery. I had a lot of trouble writing simple attraction, never mind sex scenes. I'll admit the sexy parts have always been the easiest for me, and this November it was like pulling teeth. I barely managed one short one! So not like me. It forced me to realise something was truly wrong.

Around mid summer I'd noticed something was wrong. My brain knew I needed sexy times, that I should want them, but I couldn't get my body interested, hell, I couldn't even get my mind on board.  But November was the breaking point. I couldn't deny something was fucking me. Or rather not fucking. There was just way too little fucking going on in my life.

See, my emotional state, depends so very much on my sexual release. If I don't get enough orgasms I get depressed, I hurt more, I'm down on myself, life just sucks. When my libido took a holiday it totally messed with my ability to be happy, to have any kind of energy. My sexual health totally affects my energy levels(oddly more sex=more energy & more ambition), my emotional state of mind, my state of mind period, and my self-image.

I decreased my doses of lyrica in December, to 150mg every 12-ish hours. It took a couple weeks to get the excess out of my body, but I finally got my libido back! I feel like myself again!! I'm less tired more often, and I actually have some motivation - not a lot mind you, but way better than the nothing I had for the past, oh year maybe? Not really sure, it feels like forever though.

I just can't get over what a huge difference it makes in my life, in all aspects of my life. I feel a bit... silly, for how long it took to realise something was well and truly wrong, and then more time to figure out the actual cause.

My body feels one step closer to being my own again. I can't put into words, how... good that feels, what a relief it is to feel more like myself!

Damn Lyrica. It helps sure, but fuck a duck. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the extra weight I've put on, and it store my libido. That's just not cool. I know I'm going to be very careful going forward, that no other medications screw with me again. Only my husband gets to screw me, damnit.

Wedding Bouquet Doubts

Since having my Bridal Photo session - which went wonderfully - I've been doubting my original plan for a wedding bouquet. *sigh*

I wanted to do something simple, in red roses, because those are the ones that call to me. Something like this:

I've bought this large crystal buttons to go between the roses and some smaller crystals from a bead sore to add in the centre of the flowers.

But..... When I had my photo session yesterday, Judy surprised me with a bouquet made by a florist friend of hers. It was fabulous!  Red roses with green and white orchids, pink-ish tiny flowers, golden gerbers, this deep red fuzzy flower, lots of green leaves, ivy, and little apples for pete's sake!! Oh, and there was a calla lilly in the centre that was orange tinged with red.  Perfect colour for the bouquet.  Altogether it had a very fall feeling, and totally complimented my red dress!  In fact, the red roses were the colour of my dress!

It was heavy though. OMG. I really don't want my wedding day one to be that heavy!  It was straining my arms! lol.  Clearly I need to go to the gym, but I kid you not it weighed more than my macbook(which is 7 pounds)!!

So after seeing the teaser photo Judy posted on facebook yesterday of my dress with the bouquet, I'm re-thinking my plan.  Judy also told me that her florist friend recommended against the red red roses I love because they are the colour of my dress, and this will just blend into my dress in photos.  *sigh*

Seeing the roses yesterday, in person and in the photo with my dress I know she's right.  I hate it though.  I was hoping the crystals would be enough to bring out the bouquet and make it a separate thing, but I think instead the crystals will just swim in a sea of red.  NOT what I want.

I've looked at black magic roses, which are darker, on the recommendation of said florist, but they are too dark for my liking.  This is a bouquet that uses them, and black-red calla lillies.  I like it on it's own. I like it for a bride in white, but with me in red, and my now dark red hair, I worry it's just too much dark.  Especially with me being so damn pale!

I'm torn between something very simple, and something full of fall colours and flowers.  I know both will look good, but I keep coming back to our theme, or rather non-theme.

We aren't decorating the banquet hall we are having the wedding at - it looks great as is frankly.  It has dark wooden walls, modern photos hanging, awesome modern chandeliers - it has a very European/urban/modern feel to it. It's very us.  Like a ritzier version of us.  The tables will be set with white table cloths, with black ones over top diagonally. Very modern. Very simple. Very timeless.  And that's me.... I always dress in a "classic style", as in, I don't go in for trendy stuff often, and I can't be bothered with fashion, and just want to look nice.  I want that feel for the wedding.  Honestly, I originally wanted a fall theme, but that's just way more work than I'm willing to put in or ask my guests to help me put in.

So, I want my flowers to fit into this modern, simple, timeless theme.  I want to be able to use the crystals I bought damnit! I spent like $20 on them! Shhh.. Chris will have a fit I'm sure.  But I love them, and I think they could totally work in another bouquet... I just don't know what exactly to do.

I've been looking at white bouquets, and all the ones I love have fiddlehead ferns in them, but can I find fiddlehead ferns in the wholesale flower shops I was hoping to get my flowers from? Noooooo!  I can't even seem to find any mention of them on the websites of local florists.  WTH Toronto!!

I love this:

And this:

Honestly, I love the first one the best, it's so eclectic! And bright and dark and fresh!  I honestly would not be able to do that myself though, and I really really want to do my own flowers damnit.

The third one I could totally do, if I could find some damn fiddle heads.  I would use more white and cream roses. I could add my crystals to them and it would look very nice I think. There's hydrangea in there, I could do that, I think I would also like to add some mums maybe, and a few dahlias.  If I couldn't find fiddle heads, and it wasn't a deal breaker for me - right now I'm not sure if it is or not - I could add some dark wheat stalks as a contrast piece, I saw them at the local florists.  I could even add some dark branch limbs, maybe...

I do love fall bouquets though. *sigh*  The bright sunflowers, the dahlias, the mums, the fuzzy flowers (whose name I don't know) that comes in such deep colours, the ornamental cabbages!!  Oh I love those!  But they open a can of worms, so to speak, that I'm not really sure I want to open. I love fall colours, I love fall leaves, I love  mini gourds and little pumpkins! Omg, so cute!  So if I had a fall bouquet I'd want to incorporate fall colours even more. I'd want fake (or real) leaves for the tables. I'd want mini gourds, and tiny pumpkins, possibly in vases, possibly just strewn about the tables.  I'd want orange, red and yellow everything!  I know me.

It would make me happy, but it would cost.  It would also ruin the modern/timeless theme we have going on that we didn't have to even work for! I like that.  I have fibro.  I have very limited energy.  I'm likley going to spend the next week struggling to get my cakes baked(a task that even I could do in a day normally) because I over-extended myself this week.  *sigh*  I really don't need to add more to my plate.

Judy gave me her florist friends email.  Judy said I should contact her and tell her what my budget is and see what she can do for me. She even offered to pick up my bouquet on her way to the wedding! How nice is that?!  Judy is awesome, seriously.

Part of me wonders if she just doesn't think I can do it.  She said it was one less thing to stress about.  But you know, I haven't really stressed about the flowers, until now.  I new what I wanted, and that was that. Now I'm re-thinking. I'm not stressed, I don't think. I have a few weeks, I'm just undecided.  I love flowers though. I'd really like to try my hand at a bouquet.  I don't have anything else planned for the 9th.  I don't think it will tax me too much...

UPDATE:
Since I don't actually remember sharing, I thought this would be the perfect place to show off the bouquet I did end up making. I think my fall themed flowers went great with my red dress. I cannot express how much I loved my bouquet.

Notice the crystal fiddlehead ferns, the pine cones, wheat, and large crystals interspersed with the flowers.

Husband holding bouquet. Notice the bling. I bought an M done in crystals and attached it with black ribbon to the ribbon around the base of the bouquet.

 

I had red roses, white roses, sunflowers, ornamental cabbage, and bright green miniature mums. Colourful, fall themed, sparkly, and so very perfect with my amazing red silk dress! And I made it myself in an hour or two the day before our wedding.
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Judy keeps telling me I should get a pro to do my make-up.  I'm not sure if it's because she's such a traditionalist, or if she thinks I do my own badly -- that's my biggest worry.  I don't have much experience doing make up, it's entirely possible I don't do a very good job.  But when I see what I've done, I like how it looks, mostly.  I wish I could manage the foundation lighter, but otherwise I think I look good. The foundation isn't caked on, it's just... it feels like my skin is hiding, and I like my skin, other than the damn spider veins I'm getting, and I don't like hiding it, flaws and all.

Maybe I'm just more of a hippie than I ever dreamed I could be??

I seem to look okay in the pictures from our photo sessions though.  I don't know if Judy had to really photoshop me or what, but I seem to look fine... Here is an example I found quickly (one of my favourite from the session):

I look fine right??

*Sigh*  I hate being so damn undecided! Bah! BAH I say!

Four Months to go, and LOTS to do!

I haven't been on OBT(Offbeat Bride Tribe community site), or even looking at Offbeat Bride for the past few months. I sorta overdosed when I started out, and really just needed a break from everything wedding. Life got in the way as well, as it tends to do. But with fours months until our wedding, and me being an obsessive complusive personality, I've started thinking wedding again.

Thus far we have:

• Sent Save the Date magnets
• Bought Wedding invites (though they may need to be changed. o.0)
• Ceremony venue
• Humanist officiant
• Music picked for the ceremony
• Ceremony wording & vows 99% laid out
• Reception venue (same as ceremony)
• Reception table/guest layout
• Photographer (I love her sooo much!)
• My dress is being made (I get to try it on for real on the 29th!!)
• My shoes are bought, though not here yet (impatiently waiting for order to arrive)
• Suit for groom, and a shirt I hope will work!

What we(I) need to do:

• Finalize Engagement & Bridal picture locations
• Book engagement & Bridal sessions
• Finish groom's outfit - Needs cravat, vest and cuff links (if I can convince him of the first two!)
• Make wedding jewellery - bracelet and necklace perhaps?
• Commission talented friend to make headband
• Finish knitting wedding shawl
• Finalize Wedding time-line
• Make How to get there instructions for guests
• Send out invitations
• Make Wedding Day Agendas for guests
• Pick Reception Menu
• Pick/find reception music
• Make centre piece vases for flowers
• Decide on what kind of cakes to make, and whether to do two separate cakes or a two tiered cake
• Bake the cakes (obviously this won't be done until the week before the wedding)
• Buy and make the flower arrangements (again, in the days before the wedding)

The more I think about this, the more I have to do! *gulp* And yet, it feels like everything is done, and I should be doing more. Damn WIC is totally getting in my head!

Over the weekend I chose our vows, sussed out our ceremony's wording, finalized the ceremony music, emailed the venue, and ordered shoes. I should say we, though really, I did all the work, and said 'what do you think of this' and he said yes or no. So yeah, I get the credit. Though, my FH is great, he totally gives me credit too. :) Anyway, point being, we're whittling down the list, slowly but surely.

I have to say, I find it really strange, that when I was looking at vows, and trying to come up with my own, what spoke to me the most was the traditional 'to have and hold" vows. Actually, they are what we both think of when we think wedding, so that's what we're going with.

I'm torn on whether or not I want to add to our vows/ceremony an "I love you because" speech. Part of me really wants to share with our families why I love him so much, and what makes him special to me. I think it will have a very personal, humanizing touch to the whole thing as well. But I'm not sure how he feels about that. And I also realize I'm a shy person in general. I hate hate hate speaking in public, and I think I'm be crazy scared on the day of. At the same time... I want to be brave, ya know? I want to stand up in front of the people we love most and say, this is the man for me; I've really thought about it, and I know just what makes him special, and I want you all to know what I see in him. Does that make any sense?? Will that just over-sharing??

I just had an epiphany!

So, yesterday I bought myself some flowers to cheer myself up. In going to the flower shops - I say shops as there are three in a row on the corner of Avenue Rd & Davenport, I think it is. Anyway, many shops in a row, full of flower basics, wonderful spring flowers, and amazing tropical flowers too. So much to choose from! I had the hardest time picking, I really did! Hell, I came home with more flowers than reasonably fits in my vase.

In going there I realised, or rather remembered, just how much I love flowers. I'm thinking about the wedding, and how flower-free my current plan is. It doesn't sit so well with me anymore. Not after seeing all those beautiful flowers! If I had my choice there would be flowers everywhere!

Frankly, the flowers aren't the expensive part. I can buy oodles of flowers for a fraction of the cost a florist would charge me on avenue road, and I can do them up myself. Hell, part of the fun for me is choosing them myself and arranging them. I love doing that! I should have been a florist. Really.

The expensive part is the extras. The vases for one. OMG are vases ever like ridiculously expensive! Especially if I had to buy 10-20. That alone would double my flower costs. Most flower arrangements involve stand or stone, and ribbon as well. More cost.

I was just doing the dishes, and I had a primavera sauce mason jar to wash. I began to wonder what I should do with them all - I have at least ten now, and every time I get sauce, I get another jar. They are way too nice to just throw out, but I don't really have a use for them. And then it hit me! What if I use them for flowers at the wedding? It would certainly solve my vase issue!

I'm not sure how well it will work though. =/ Our venue is pretty damn shnazy. I think if I went with mason jars I'd have to dress them up at the very least to make them work at all.

Our tables are going to be covered in white linen with a black square thrown on diagonally. So I was thinking maybe black ribbon. I could get a spool for under $5 at FabricLand and that would do for all of them. I was thinking just wrapping the ribbon around the top and tying a bow. But I'm not sure if that will dress them up enough.

Another option would be to do that cool vase corset thing I saw on the Hostess with the Mostess blog.



It would also be a lot of work, and would require me to buy not only fabric, but grommets, and a grommet tool, oh and I'd still need the ribbon. I might be able to get some cheap fabric at MAC FAB if I do it like now as they are moving and selling off as much of their stock as they can currently. But that's very iffy as I have no idea when they are moving or what they have.

I dunno. I really like the idea of having flowers at my wedding. I freaking love flowers. I also do really love the corset vase thing. God that's gorgeous. I could totally do that with the mason jars! But I have no idea if that's actually in our budget. I mean, I don't even have a set budget, but I'm trying to spend as little as I can on just about everything.

For me, my dress, the food, Chris' suit, these were all things I was willing to spend good money on. They mattered. Not everything is supposed to matter damnit.

But I love flowers so very much. How can I have a wedding and have no flowers there other than my bouquet? Me. ReallyM? Flowerless? I'm not sure I'm actually cool with that. I'm worried, that after I go to the flower shops the day before my wedding to get the stuff to make my bouquet and possibly some button-holes, I'm going to be depressed that there just isn't going to be more flowers at the wedding. Maybe I won't care. I'm sure everything will look nice enough, and really, it's about the people not the dressings. But... hrm... I just don't know....

I'm such a spoiled brat! But.. but... I love flowers damnit!

Exotic Flowers

So, even though the weather today has been amazing, sunshine and 14˚C, I've been feeling not only grumpy/angry but also like I was hit by a mack truck. Fucking fibro.

So I decided, I needed to get out. I had no desire to go do something productive, like get a steamer, so not fun. I had to get out, so to convince myself, I thought, why not do something to cheer myself up? So I decided to get myself flowers. Flowers was something I'd totally leave the house for. So I did. :D



Aren't they pretty?? They barely all fit in my vase! Ha. I think I might need a bigger vase. So lovely. And worth every penny of the $30 I spent on them! $30 of flowers for immeasurable happiness? Oh yeah, so very worth it. I love, love love them.



I just can't get over the colours! So bright. Exotic flowers rock. I threw in some easter lily's too, 'cause well, I wanted to add some white and they work perfectly.