Friday, September 17, 2010

Weird, yet telling dream

I always have weird dreams, perhaps I should stop prefacing my tellings with a statement of oddity?

Anyway! To the dream!

I've been dreaming of home lately. I'm not exactly sure why, but there it is. And when I do dream of home, home is always my parents house. Partly, I'm sure because that was my childhood, it was my home for 30 years of my life, and I'm just now trying to deal with the fact that it's not my home anymore. I'm always welcome there, I always will be, but it's not my home. I know too, that part of why I always dream of my parents house as home is because. although I've lived here for over a year, and Chris tries to make me feel like this is my home too, in my heart, this isn't my home. It's Chris place, not mine, I just live here. Does that make any sense? I don't feel like a squatter exactly, but... this isn't mine. My clothes live here, and some of my books, but all my furniture, all my yarn, all my accoutrements of home don't live here. They are packed away in my parents attic. So when I dream, I dream of my parents home, with my old room intact, when I had a place that felt like my own.

this time I dreamt that my family was going on a picnic. My uncle Russell and his family were at the house, helping my parents pack stuff in the van, they were going along you see. I'm not sure how much of my family was going. I think perhaps it was the once annual family picnic at Bing Park. We haven't done that in the past few summers, mostly because it's a)hard to arrange that many people to be someplace all at the same time, and b) the weather has been pretty shitty/unpredictable. Anyway, family picnic. I don't think Chris and I were going, though I don't know why. It just felt like they were leaving us behind for some reason.,,

Dreams don't have to make sense! Carrying on!

My Uncle Russell chided... someone? Maybe his daughter to hurry up. He said that even Neda who was notoriously always late was ready and waiting. "Neda?!" I thought, surely I must have heard him wrong. When I asked him what he meant, he said Neda was sitting outside in one of the patio chairs, waiting,

I ran out the door, flabbergasted, hopeful and angry. Neda was in South Korea, or Australia. She wasn't coming home, ever, not even to visit! And yet, there she was, sitting in one of mom and pa's lovely brown patio chairs, smiling, and looking quite at home.

I wanted to hug her. I wanted to slap her! She'd been home for gods knows how long, but she never bothered to call me?! Never bothered to answer, not one of the many messages I'd sent her?! Too good for me, she was. And yet here she sat, thinking how happy I would be, thinking I would welcome her with open arms. Think her so clever for surprising me.

Yeah. Not going to happen. I screamed at her "You bitch! You could have CALLED!" Then stormed into the house. Neda followed me, smiling even bigger, thinking I was just teasing her, thinking my anger was momentary.

Neda picked up a dish towel on the counter and started slinging it towards me in a playful manner. I don't remember what she said... something light, playful, teasing, very Neda. She likely punned at me. She's very punny. I, however, was not amused. I got another dish towel from the rack, and tried to thwack her with it, in earnest.

I started yelling about how upset I was. She abandoned me! She abandoned us!! She left everyone she knew, everyone that loved her, and went off in search of adventure. She didn't even have the decency to be honest with any on us, or at least with me about her future plans!! She made me think she was coming home, at least for a visit! I thought I might actually get to celebrate my wedding, my marriage, with her! But nooo! I'm not good enough! Of course she'd never come back for meeee I'm not important enough to bring her back here. Not to boring old Canada. Hell, I'm not even important enough to get to know the truth, to get to know her plans! And she thinks she can just show up whenever she pleases and I'll just welcome her back with open arms?? It will be like it was before she left?? That we'll be the best of friends?! That we'll be friends at all?! NO! No I tell you! I won't have it!

At this point I stormed off. The whole house was in an uproar. I was ready to cry, I was falling apart, and I just wanted to be alone. As I was walking down the hall, Christine, a friend of Chris and I's from Toronto, came in the front door. She was walking like she had a purpose. like she was late, with her usual big black bag that she kept her laptops in. I wanted to hug her, I was so relieved to see her, though I'm not sure why, we aren't actually close in real life, or my dream for that matter. Chris and Neda were both hot on my heels, so I forgo-ed hugging Christine and darted into the bathroom I managed to just get in and lock the door before my pursuers caught up to me. Neda wanted to 'explain', Chris just wanted to see if I was all right. I didn't want to deal with either of them. Of course I wasn't all right.

Chris and Neda started arguing, likely over who got to pick the lock. There was shuffling, and bumping, and groaning, and a female moan - in my mind I pictured Chris' bony elbow hitting Neda in the nose. (Yes, I realise neither of them would behave this way, it was a dream.) I was angry with Neda, I wasn't sure I wanted to be her friend anymore, hell, I wasn't sure she was my friend - how can you be friends when you are worlds away and you never talk?? But I didn't want her hurt. I didn't want either of them hurt. I opened the door. Neda was holding her face and Chris was looking angry, worried, and sad.

We all trooped back into the kitchen, the heart of my former home. Neda sat down, and I got her an ice back from the freezer and a tea towel to wrap it in. She looked at me, surprised and wary. I guess I deserved that. Whatever. I gave her the icepack and sat down with Chris on the other side of the room. I sighed, looked at Neda forlornly and tired to figure out how to deal with the situation like an adult.

The dream ends or fades there.

I still don't know how to deal with the situation like an adult. In my heart I'm not really much of an adult. I feel hurt and betrayed and abandoned. I want to hope she'll come home some day and I can have my best friend back, but the logical part of my brain knows she's probably never coming back. And even if she did.... Well who's to say she'd make any effort to be my friend? She's not made any in almost a year, what makes me think she'd start then. I know I need to get over the loss of no longer having a best friend. I know I need to grow up and realise grown-ups just don't get to have that. Best friends are things children have. When you grow up you date, and get married, and the myth is, your husband(for those that have husbands) is supposed to be your best friend. Only.... Mine isn't, or won't be. Sure I love Chris, I love him very much, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, but my best friend he ain't and never will be.


I wish I was better at making friends. I wish I was better at fostering relationships... I know I'll never had what I did with Neda. I know I'll never have a group of friends as close, as trusted, and as loved as 'the gang'. I know I'll never get to feel so loved, and accepted as I did when we were all the best of friends. But I also know it's possible to have something else, something similar. Don't get me wrong. I do have friends. And they are very nice. I like them quite a lot. But we aren't close. Our relationships aren't the type where I feel comfortable asking for favours... I don't feel like I can call them up and say, hey, let's hang out. Hell, I'm not even sure I have any of their numbers. I know Chris has a few on his cell phone, but I don't have them. What I mean is, we have them because we have previously arranged to meet them, or been invited to parities at their places, but it wasn't like they gave them to me/us saying, hey call me some time, we should hang out.

I'm the kind of person you're happy to see at a party. You think I'm sweet, or nice or whatever, but I'm not the type of person most people think, 'hey, I want to hang out with her'. I'm just not that interesting. I don't work. I don't have job stories; I can't even relate to a lot of them because it's been so long since I have worked. I'm chronically ill, chronically in pain, this makes me pretty much a huge downer, and I know it. I'm not well read. I'm not up on current events or politics - I don't read the news, it depresses me. So I can't even carry on simple chit chat half the time. So it's not like I blame people... I just.... *sigh* I wish I didn't feel so isolated and... starved for female companionship.

I get snuggles from Chris. We talk to each other and all. But, ask him for his opinion, on just about anything I'd normally want/need one on, and he's clueless. Half the time he gets fed up and angry that I even ask. I'm trying to learn not to ask, or at least preface my talking with the knowledge I won't get an opinion but sometimes talking it out helps. And talking it out to myself, when I'm alone in a room, is just too close to crazy for me to do. I really miss chick time, cause women, we find a way to give feedback. I miss so very much being able to ask for feedback, even on simple things.

I think if it wasn't for Offbeat Bride and their community site, I would have gone crazy trying to plan our wedding! I'm just not used to making decisions based on opinion without getting at least some feedback from another person!

Though it's been literally years since I've had a shopping partner, I still miss having someone there. I've learned to shop on my own, all grown-ups have to, but it's just nice to have someone there to be the voice of reason, the voice of style, someone that knows you, who, unlike the clerk, isn't trying to sell you something, ya know? Men don't know... it's a chick thing to shop in groups. It's how we're socialized. And damnit, I miss it. I miss having friends, real friends.... *sigh*

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