There's something seriously wrong with me.
Well, duh, right? But I keep thinking/saying this. To myself, and to Chris. I know I have fibromyalgia, but admitting all the ways that it fucks with me is really hard.
I get tired so easy now, and not just a little tired, but like, bone weary, wear the ache just seems to go all the way through me. I hurt for no reason, and for me is, so very very frustrating. I still say things like, "why do I hurt? There's no reason for it damnit. I haven't done anything." And Chris will respond, "You have fibromyalgia, that's why." I know logically, that's all the explanation there is. That's fibro's main symptoms. And yet. I still feel.....angry... frustrated...
The same damn thing seems to happen with hunger that does with other pain/touch responses. My fibromyalgia actually heightens my sensitivity. Like I fucking need that! Hello, fat chick here! And yet... for the past week now I've not been sleeping well, why? Because I've been going to be a little hungry, I mean, eating just before bed is a bad idea right? So I wake up at like 4am, 5am, 6am (today I'm lucky it was this late), and I'm starving. I'm not just normal hungry. I'm so hungry I'm curled up in a ball of pain as my stomach growls, and clenches, and it feels like the hunger is burning all the way up my throat. I've tried ignoring it. All that happens is I lay there awake, for three hours, in pain so bad I want to cry or scream, waiting for Chris to get up, waiting for it to be a reasonable hour, so I can finally EAT something.
I do not like this pattern. I don't know what the fuck started it. I don't know why my stomach is suddenly so very very needy. I've had acid reflux issues on and off over the past few years. I think it's hereditary. My mom (aka grandma) has it, and so does at least 2 of her children. I also had antibiotics chewing through my belly, and fucking up my sleep patterns for the past week as well. So I'm taking Nexium at bedtime, for the acid reflux. I'm hoping it will eventually help. 3 days in, and the pain in my throat isn't as bad, but it's not better. I'm hoping that means I'm healing, slowly. If things don't improve pain-wise in like a week or so, I have to give it time to work afte rall, then i'm going to bug my doctor.
What I'm really worried what has happened though, with all my meds, and the weird times I've ended up taking them, and almost all of them require food, or to be taken with food... that I've been eating at odd hours, and eating more than I normally would in some cases.... is that I've managed to stretch my stomach out even further. In less than a fucking week... Because I've noticed for the past three days or so, when I wake up hungry, it takes a lot more than it used to, for me to feel full, for me to not hurt from hunger even. Like, two pieces of toast just don't do it. That's a good breakfast damnit. There have been many times in the past where I couldn't even finish that! Now... Now I eat that and my tummy still hurts until I have like some yogurt and an apple, or two. This is just ridiculous.
I know how to shrink my tummy. It's just will power and suffering really. You stop eating so much. And in 3 to 10 times as long as it took to stretch, your tummy will, eventually go back to normal. I'm not big on suffering, as you might imagine. I'm so not looking forward to this. I'm not even sure I have the bleeding will power. I mean, I can't fucking sleep! I'm too damn hungry to sleep. This is fucking insane. Grr! I hate my body. But I know I need to try. Even for me this is excessive. And I don't like it.
The hypochondriac in me is wondering if I have an ulcer, or some other real kind of stomach issue that would cause this much freaking pain. But realistically, I'm pretty sure it's just my fibro finding yet another way to fuck with me. *sigh*