Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Freaking Out

I'm officially the heaviest I've ever been. And let me tell you, I'm one fat fuck.

I'm totally freaking out.

I think it might, in part, be due to my meds. I've gained ten pounds in the past 2 months maybe. Maybe a month. It feels fast. Really fast. *Sigh*

At this rate, in a year's time I won't be able to walk, or frankly, fit out the fucking door. No, I'm not exaggerating. I'm sadly damn serious.

I need to loose weight, desperately. But the only way I can see me managing it, is if I cut off a leg.


I'm so fucking sore. All the fucking time.

And if it's not one thing it's another. Either I'm sick, or I'm in pain. I have an infection, or a flare up, or something. There is never a good fucking time. Never.

I just. I don't have it in me anymore to get up when I'm exhausted and sore. I just... I don't have the gumption. Nothing can motivate me. All there is, is the pain, and all I want is to curl up in a ball and hide from it. Of course that doesn't help anything, but I do hurt less in the present.

I just... I can't live for some future that may never come. I'm not a believer. I know it should work. I've done it before. But I no longer have it in me, whatever it is, whatever it takes, to make myself get up and go to the gym when my head is killing me or when my knees scream at me.

And they scream. All the time now. But it's no fucking wonder with what I weight. And it will only get worse of course. Cause I can't seem to do anything to make it better, so it will only get worse.

My doctor is of no help. He's of the 'suck it up' camp. As is the RN. I 'just need to do it'.

What world are they from?!

Living with chronic pain for 10 years has sucked all the life out of me. I have no ambitions. No goals. No dreams for my future. I know what my future holds, and it's a fucking nightmare. Pain. That's what I have to look forward to. For the rest of my life. Pain. Migraines. Tension headaches. Cluster headaches. Jaw Tension headaches. Nausea. Fatigue. Depression. Aching joints. Aching muscles. If I've got it, it's going to ache at some point, yay FMS.

I don't know how to overcome this. I don't have a fucking clue how others do it. I don't know how they work full time jobs, and have families and just push through it.

My pushing days are over. I just can't. I can't.

How do people do it? I don't understand it. I don't understand how I ever did it.

I hurt. I hurt all the fucking time. No matter what I do, I hurt. So why should I expend time and energy making myself hurt more? I don't get it. I don't have extra energy! I use up what little I have just trying to survive day to day.

I wish I had that kind of motivation, that kind of stubborn determination. But I just don't. I've lost it. It's broken. Gone.

I think it was too many fucking doctors not believing me. Too many looking at me and clearly not believing me when I told them I was in pain, so much pain I thought I was going to go insane. They didn't believe me because I was holding down a full time job. I was going to the gym. I was going grocery shopping and taking care of myself. I was going out with friends, on occasion. I lived a mostly full life. I couldn't possibly be in as much pain as I said I was if I was doing all of that. I could see in in the snide looks. In their unbelieving tones. In their flat our refusals to help me. "I can't help you". That's what they all said. Every single fucking one of them. With the message that I should just suck it up and carry on.

No one believed me until I went to my doctor, years later, and told him the state I was in then. I was bed-ridden, like I still am. I was unemployed and incapable of holding down any kind of job, like I am now. I was in so much pain I was fucking suicidal.

All those doctors looking at me like I was lying.. that's what did it. They got me thinking, why SHOULD I just push through this? Why don't I let the pain show? Why don't I try to ease my own pain. They weren't fucking helping, what the hell else could I do? So I let it show. Over time, I stopped pushing as hard, little by little. And then my body fell apart all on it's own. Pain so bad I spent months in bed crying. Literally because I had nothing that could ease my pain for long, and no where to turn.

I still feel like I have no where to turn. My doctor knows I have fibromyalgia, but he's still unsympathetic. I have all kinds of drugs. They help. A bit. Sometimes. I feel like the longer I take them, the less effective they are. I just keep feeling worse and worse. *Sigh* I don't know what to do with myself.

I mean, I know what I need to do. I know. But that doesn't mean I'm capable of it. It doesn't mean I know how to get myself to do it.

I'm so fucking broken. I feel like I'm beyond repair.

I just. I can't do it. I can't. I know I can't because I've wanted to for months, but the pain wins. The pain always fucking wins.



Anonymous said...

Get yourself in to therapy, stat. I spent a long time in counselling to come to terms with my pain and limitations, and it was the best thing I ever did. THAT'S how I've had the motivation to keep pushing. I won't let the diseases win.

If you meds aren't helping, talk to your doc. Get a referral to a pain clinic. Do research on your own for meds that might be more effective. Be pro-active in your own care.

For those of us with joint problems, there are some exercises that we just shouldn't do. Stick to things like the pool and the stationary bikes - recumbants if your gym has them. Take an aquarobics class, they're excellent and low-stress on the joints.

It always sucks when your meds cause weight gain, and trust me I feel your pain. The truth of the matter is you will always have to watch what you eat and it'll be an uphill battle simply because you're not able to compensate with extra activity. I will tell you one thing though, the lighter I get, the less my joints hurt and the better my meds seem to work. if THAT'S not motivation, I don't know what is!

Anonymous said...

OHIP covered gastric bypass. Without the weight the joints will be better. A friend of mine just did it and has lost so much weight and feels so much better now.