Friday, November 5, 2010


I had a nap today. While listening to an audiobook even.  I started feeling heavy, sore absolutely everywhere. It hurt so bad. Like sinking into a vat of mild acid or something... And then darkness. I woke up when my phone bugged me to take meds, but was still too tired, so I stopped it and didn't take my meds.  They're for pain, but I HAVE to take them with food. I'm heating up something for lunch, I'll take them then.

When I did finally wake up... I realised why I didn't want to make up. Realised why I let myself fall into painful sleep.  Besides the fact that I didn't sleep well last night and woke up too fucking early for what little sleep I got.... I'm depressed.  I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Hide from everything.

I've got a child inside that loves Christmas more than anything else in the world. Because everyone smiles. Everyone comes home. Our home feels like the centre of the world. Hugs abound. Laughter. Yummy cookies before dinner!  Yummy turkey! Dinner with more than the three of us! Krokono (or however it's spelled) came out! We all played, no matter how bad we were. Family. Family all around. Talking all at once. Laughing.  The older I got the more the giving of presents has become important. Being able to give my parents back something. Being able to make them smile.  Still the kid. Still seeking approval. Their joy became everything.  Eating breakfast together. Roppie Pie... mmmm.. All the roppie pie I could eat!  Yeah, Christmas time was great.

Christmas hasn't really been like that in some time though.  There's fewer of us.  Most of mom's kids just don't visit.  They have grandbabies of their own now, now THEY are the ones being visited. A few still come, maybe three of the 7 or so that used to.  They don't stay long, but it's still very nice to see them.  Uncle Don is more quiet, less likely to smile now that his wife isn't here with us anymore.  But he comes.  There's no more krokono.  Everyone just lost interest I guess.  Aunt Gladis, uncle Don's wife would always play.  It would her, Pa, and Uncle Don beckoning someone to come play with them, but with just the two men... it wasn't the same.  But there was still smiles. Still laughter.  Still family.  Still goodies, and gifts, and yummy food my mommy made.  When I actually had money, and a life of my own, being able to shower my parents with gifts they way they always did me, was the greatest joy.  Their surprise.  Their joy.  They didn't always love what I got them, but they were grateful. That's how they raised me to be too.  They knew how much it meant to be, to be able to give to them.  I miss that sooo much.

As of last year, my Christmas was not my own. I was part of a couple.  Now I'm married.  I have obligations to both families.  We don't drive.  It's at the very least an hour and a half between them.  Because of transit, it takes as long to get to his parents from our home in Toronto, as it does to get to my parents. And the time to get from one to the other is about the same as that as well.  If we don't start at one of our parents house then we're going to end up spending six hours traveling Christmas day, and barely an hour or two with either family.  And then boxing day, instead of resting, we have to spend it with his extended family.  It's just not fair. His family always ends up weaseling more time out of us.  And we always end up leaving feeling depressed.  His family means well I'm sure but the constant barrage of questions and remarks that clearly say, "Why aren't you living like us? Why aren't you living up to our expectations? What's wrong with you? (and just for me: Why aren't you soldiering through, it's not that bad? Why aren't you working? Why aren't you in school?)"  It leaves us exhausted, grumpy, and at least me, sad.  I do not look forward to any of that.

Chris said we don't have to spend Christmas together. Lots of couples don't. We could go to our respective parents.  Yeah, cause that's just what I want to do. I want to abandon him.  I want to spend my once favourite holiday away from him. This is not what I want.

But I can't seem to figure it any way that will work.  My parents no longer have a spare bedroom.  Or, rather, I no longer have a bed there.  My Aunt Barb is planning on staying at my parents a few days before Christmas. That means she'll be sleeping on the couch or on the air mattress on the floor in the living room.  There would be no room for us if we wanted to sleep there. Just, literally, no room.  I so do NOT want to sleep at Chris' parents.  They're nice enough and all, but I would be so so so uncomfortable there. I wouldn't sleep a wink. I'd be sick and feverish the whole day as a result.  No, no, we can't do that.  So what?  We sleep at home and get up at 6am to catch the 7:30am bus to get to my parents by 9am... so we can get started on making/helping my mom make dinner.  Because I don't want her doing everything by herself this year. It's too much. I'm not a bad cook.  If she directs, I'm sure it will be fine.  Though I don't see why we'd need to get started at 9am.  I tried to tell Chris there was no way we were getting mom to not cook the turkey.  She's just going to do it, and we won't even know she has until we smell it cooking hours later (if we were to stay over).  We so don't need to start the veggies and such at 9am! pft!  Mom will bake the pies a few days before... I'm thinking I might come home and ask if I can help. Hell, I'll ask for lessons!  I'm terrible at pie crust rolling.  I wanna do it with her cheering/instructing.  She can peel and cut the apples.  Show me how much to add. I've never done it!  I want to help. I really do.  If I make it like she's doing ME a favor, she'll be more likely to let me in.  Especially if I'm there in the morning and ready.  So, we'll see, THAT might work.  *Sigh*  but then we still have to see his parents.... which would mean leaving before dinner was done, very likely. Or just after. And then staying late at his parents WAY past my bedtime like we did last year.  I was hoping we could invite Chris' parents to my parents.  That was HIS idea. It's a good idea. But that means a ton of people at my mom's house. If I'm not there to make sure she isn't doing too much I'll worry.  Like really worry.  And Chris will guilt me into being even more worried.  So yeah...

Christmas is now just a fucking nightmare and I want to hide under the covers and pretend I don't exist -- my standard response when things make me this sad and I feel just as helpless, just as useless as I do now to make anything at all better.

I mean, I have fibro.  I AM useless. And everyone around me knows it.  My mom worries I'll do too much, and does for me.  Chris worries I'll wear myself out and doesn't let me help even when I'm up and around.  I'm like morbidly obese, icky eye candy or something.  Not even good for looking at, but that's all I'm good for... =/

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