Wedding Dress Fabric!

I got the fabric for my dress on Tuesday! It's exactly the colour of red I've been hoping for! It's so perfect! I originally wanted taffeta, but this duponi silk is just so totally perfect! It shines and glimmers in the light, just like I wanted. It has amazing texture too! I love it soo much! The best part about shopping for the fabric was that I got to do it with my mom. That made it super special for me. And she really likes the fabric I picked too. So yay! I could not possibly be happier!! (Hence my overuse of the exclamation mark. lol.)

I have 10 yards of this lovely Duponi Silk in "Garnet". I took the pictures in daylight so the colour is very accurate. The most wonderful blood red!!



It's from a wonderful store in Hamilton, Ottawa Discount Textiles. Honestly, I don't understand why anyone would come to Toronto for fabric! The stores in Hamilton are closer together, are way, way more organized, and the staff are super helpful. Can you believe the man who served me, not only remembered me from last week, but also remembered the fabric I wanted, the colour, and how much! I was very impressed to day the least! And when I told the lady that was cutting my fabric that I was going to use it for my wedding gown(she asked its purpose), she was delighted! It's just so nice to have someone else excited about my lovely red dress in the making!

Another shot of the fabric, just because I love it so much.



And here's a close up:


Isn't that just the prettiest thing you've ever seen?? I can't wait to see my dress!! So excited!

Fucking Fibro

So I haven't been doing so well for the past month I guess. I don't really know how long it's been. All I know is I'm at my breaking point once again. Every day is pain. Every day I wake up exhausted and with absolutely no desire to do anything at all. Some days I don't even shower. That's how little I care. I just can't be bothered. I hurt. I'm nauseous. So fucking nauseous I can't bare to stand up long enough to make myself something decent to eat. So most days I don't eat lunch. It's just too much effort for me. How sad is that?!

I hate living like this. I hate what I've become. I'm SO fucking useless. I can't even take care of myself never mind be of any use to anyone else. I hate it. Yet I still can't seem to manage to DO anything. I have no motivation, and I don't know how to change/fix it. Nothing matters enough. No matter how guilty I feel, no matter how much I try to convince myself I need to get up, I just can't be bothered. I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm miserable. I just can't be bothered.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!

Seriously. I hate this. And the drug just isn't helping enough anymore. I'm actually afraid I'm reacting badly to it now. My face has been on fire for the past few weeks. My skin is just so hot it hurts. My skin is raw from the heat. It doesn't matter how cold I am either. I can be shivering with cold, and my face is still hot and sore. What the hell is going on with me?!

I tried upping my dose of cymbalta. My doc said I could try it if the 30mg wasn't cutting it, and it's not. But I can't handle 60mg. I can't sleep. I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a mack truck. The pain is worse because I can't seem to get any rest at all. And the perverbial straw that broke the camel's back is that I had hallucinations the last day I took it. I was half awake and thought there was a lost child in our apartment. It took me 10 minutes to manage to really open my eyes and see what was actually there - nothing. That scared the crap out of me, and I went back to 30 mg. But it just isn't helping. I hurt. I hurt all the time. It's so draining.

I'm angry and depressed and I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't take it. I feel so lazy and useless. I hate it. I used to have drive. I used to be able to fight through the pain, and I just don't seem to be able to do that anymore. My brain just asks "what's the point"? When I try. I mean, really, what is the point? I'm going to hurt no matter what. There is nothing I can do. Nothing will change the fact that I'm in pain, that I'm always going to be in pain, so what's the point?

I just... I can't force myself to care...about anything. I hurt, and that's my whole world, there is nothing left but the pain. I don't want to live like this damnit! I feel so weak. Weak because I can't fight it, weak because I have no desire left to fight it. Weak because I do nothing. Christ, some days I don't even have the energy to complain! How pathetic is that?!

I love Chris, I do, honest to all the gods I do, and yet I can't manage to pull myself out of bed, and even do the dishes for him, or do laundry, or clean, or make dinner. I just... I have no motivation for anything. I never used to be like this. What has happened to me?! I don't want to be this person. I'm fucking useless. I hate it. I hate what I've become.

I don't even have any desire to knit!! ME! I love knitting! I have a hard time not knitting. My hands feel empty when I'm not knitting. I can't just sit and watch tv, I can't handle the nothing my hands are doing, and yet now... I haven't knit anything in well over a month. I just... I have no desire for it. This isn't right. This isn't like me. It's just not.

I don't want to be this person. I really really don't. But I don't know how to not be. :(

Wedding Planning - Ideas

Catching up on my blog reading today, I managed to follow a link to Etsy and found a flying pigs cake topper!! The pigs were not as cute as I'd like, and were totally the wrong colours for our wedding, but the idea! Oh, how I love the idea! Since I was a kid, I've always said to family and friends that I'd never get married, so the flying pigs just seemed utterly perfect to me.

I was planning on just doing some kind of flower but thing for the top of the cake(s) as I am making them, and I want to keep them as low key/low stress as I can manage.

But now that I have this idea in my head... I don't know if I can get it out. It's just too good.

I went looking for cuter pigs, and found this little guy:

How seriously cute is he?! He's 9cm tall. I'm thinking I could pretty easily make some pink felt wings and sew them on his back. Then, ta da! "Cake Toppers" for $30 (or less I'm hoping!). Though they won't go on the cakes - icing and plushies do not mix! They will go by the cakes on the desert table. With the added bonus that we can give them to my man's two little nephews at the end of the day. :)

Another possibility is that I have a friend who makes cakes semi-professionally. I don't want her to make my cake, mostly because I love to bake, but I'm thinking about perhaps asking her (& paying her, of course) to make two (or 4 if I do two cakes) little gum paste flying pigs when the time comes.

It's late here, and I'm kinda sleep deprived at this point, so I'm not entirely sure if this is a brilliant idea or a horrible idea. I'm hoping it's brilliant because right now I'm totally loving the idea of "when pigs fly".

Wedding Dress Woes

I knew it wouldn't be easy finding a dress. My size alone makes it hard. Add to that I really want a red Taffeta dress. Almost no one has any dresses in anything even remotely my size, and the ones that 'fit' or are close.. well many are just so not my style. There are very few I've liked so far. *sigh*

There is one dress I've just fallen in love with by Mori Lee (well, except for the rose, and funky thing hanging from it):



But in going to a Bridal store today with Neda, we saw Mori Lee's swatches, and the red Taffeta is just not shiny or irridescent like the other colours. :( Boo! So even if I ordered it, I wouldn't be happy, because the fabric wouldn't be what I want.

I feel like I've looked at/tried on quite a few dresses, and nothing is just right, or perhaps even right enough. I'm beginning to worry that I'm just being too picky and am falling into the trap of being a 'princess'. *sigh* I do not want to be a princess, damnit. I want to be able to try something on, like it well enough, and think "This'll do". But every time I try something on, it's just "meh".

As I look, I'm realising more and more, that I do know what I want, and that is making it much harder for me. I really do want Taffeta. I love Taffeta. All the dresses that catch my eye are either Taffeta or raw silk, which shines similarly. As for style, I want some kind of ruching or pleat on the bust, a high waist, preferably with a ruched belt, and a full (we're talking semi-circle of fabric here) skirt. I really want tea-length (aka mid calf), because then I can potentially wear this dress again. I'm honestly not sure what kind of neckline would be best, however.

I'm just... I'm so torn. On one hand I think I should just settle/be happy with... simple, off-the-rack, and under $300. On the other, I want what I want, and I'm horribly tempted to look into getting a dress custom made. Chris told me before I went shopping in the states with the girls, for me not to get upset/sad if I didn't find anything; I could just have something made; even if it would be more money, I'd get the dress I'd want, I'd be happy, and I'm worth it. Isn't that sweet? I really am very lucky to be so well loved. :D

When looking for dresses online previously, I found Lisa Van Hattem and I kinda fell in love with her and her website. I don't know, something really struck me. She seems so friendly, and all the dresses on her site and her blog are so lovely. But one thousand dollars?? I'm really not sure I can stomach paying that for a freaking dress. I mean, even as much as I say I'd like to be able to wear my dress again, I'm really not sure if I'll ever actually get another chance, and paying $1000 or more for something I'm only going to wear once just seems so ridiculous. This is part of why I wanted to go with a 'bridesmaid' style dress in the first place!

In the past week, Neda and Sabrina have come dress shopping with me, which I really appreciate. We had fun! Imagine! And I hate clothes shopping generally too. Today Neda took me/came with me to a couple places around Toronto. Not much luck, but worth it, as I got to see thw Mori Lee swatches. Going dress shopping alone would really be no fun at all. It'd be downright depressing, especially with the luck I've had.

I think next week I'm going to get Sabrina to take me in to Rainbow in Hamilton, see what they have. You never know. Then maybe I'll decide about the custom route. I'm just not cut out for all this running around - I'm exhausted! Damn Fibro is so kicking my ass energy-level-wise.

Living with Fibromyalgia

It's been a month and a bit since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My doctor has given me a drug to try to manage my pain - a half dose of Cymbalta. Overall I really think it's helping. When I look back/read part blog entries, and I think about how riddled with pain I was, it's like night and day to now. I still get sore, I still have sinus headaches occasionally, and migraines randomly, but I'm not in pain 24/7. I'm not so sore that I spend days in bed crying. I'm still really tired. I get tired easily. I take a long time to recover/regain energy when I exert myself. But overall, huge improvement.

I can go out with friends. I was up till 4 am new years eve! I slept in till noon! noon! Slept like a rock! Like my old self! I've glowed on occasion even! I'm so so much happier. I feel a lot more like my old self. So much so that I've recently started beating myself up mentally for being so stupidly tired. My brain is ready to go, it wants to do things, and my body lags. It says "I want to stay in bed! I'm tired! Lets do nothing today!" And I find myself wondering, all over again, why am I sore, why am I so damn tired, what's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I have Fibromyalgia. It kicks your ass. It's not my fault. I also am either getting over a cold or have a sinus infection, I can't tell which, but both are very draining for me. So yeah. Life is so much better. Many days I even forget I have a chronic illness. How sweet is that?

Chris is so good to me. So so good. He takes care of me when I'm just not feeling up to it. He's been on vacation, and totally spoiling me. Cooking for me, doing dishes, buying groceries. I really appreciate the help. Especially on days like today when my body just feels heavy and tired, and sore. Not epic sore, but my knees hurt when I stand/walk, and I know if I had had to go for groceries I'd have been in agony by the time I got back. He's also the voice of reason so very often. He's the one telling me it's okay that I'm tired, that I've been doing a lot, that he doesn't mind getting groceries or making dinner, it's okay that I need to rest. I need to hear that. I have this horrible habit of beating myself up when I can't do the things I think I should be able to, that I was once able to.

Perhaps this will sound crazy, but I honestly do forget it's not my fault. I think, why can't I do these things? What's wrong with me? Like somehow it's my fault. But it's not my fault. I have Fibromyalgia, for pete's sake. I have a chronic illness, and it takes it's toll on me in a whole host of ways. It's not my fault. There is nothing I've done to contract it. There is nothing I could have done to stop if from developing. Even if there was, I had no way of knowing, neither does the medical community, for that matter. It is what it is, and I've got to learn to live with it. I have to learn to stop blaming myself, stop beating myself up for not living up to my own expectations. Chris is wonderful for this. Every time he says it's okay, I hear "it's not your fault, I don't blame you" and it sinks in a little deeper. It's okay to have tired days, or slow days, or bad days. I can't help it. He's not going to stop loving me because of any of it. I'm not ruining his life. I'm not wasting mine. I don't have the words for how much that means to me. I'm so very happy I get to keep him. I really really am. He's such a good man.