Sunday, January 3, 2010

Living with Fibromyalgia

It's been a month and a bit since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My doctor has given me a drug to try to manage my pain - a half dose of Cymbalta. Overall I really think it's helping. When I look back/read part blog entries, and I think about how riddled with pain I was, it's like night and day to now. I still get sore, I still have sinus headaches occasionally, and migraines randomly, but I'm not in pain 24/7. I'm not so sore that I spend days in bed crying. I'm still really tired. I get tired easily. I take a long time to recover/regain energy when I exert myself. But overall, huge improvement.

I can go out with friends. I was up till 4 am new years eve! I slept in till noon! noon! Slept like a rock! Like my old self! I've glowed on occasion even! I'm so so much happier. I feel a lot more like my old self. So much so that I've recently started beating myself up mentally for being so stupidly tired. My brain is ready to go, it wants to do things, and my body lags. It says "I want to stay in bed! I'm tired! Lets do nothing today!" And I find myself wondering, all over again, why am I sore, why am I so damn tired, what's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I have Fibromyalgia. It kicks your ass. It's not my fault. I also am either getting over a cold or have a sinus infection, I can't tell which, but both are very draining for me. So yeah. Life is so much better. Many days I even forget I have a chronic illness. How sweet is that?

Chris is so good to me. So so good. He takes care of me when I'm just not feeling up to it. He's been on vacation, and totally spoiling me. Cooking for me, doing dishes, buying groceries. I really appreciate the help. Especially on days like today when my body just feels heavy and tired, and sore. Not epic sore, but my knees hurt when I stand/walk, and I know if I had had to go for groceries I'd have been in agony by the time I got back. He's also the voice of reason so very often. He's the one telling me it's okay that I'm tired, that I've been doing a lot, that he doesn't mind getting groceries or making dinner, it's okay that I need to rest. I need to hear that. I have this horrible habit of beating myself up when I can't do the things I think I should be able to, that I was once able to.

Perhaps this will sound crazy, but I honestly do forget it's not my fault. I think, why can't I do these things? What's wrong with me? Like somehow it's my fault. But it's not my fault. I have Fibromyalgia, for pete's sake. I have a chronic illness, and it takes it's toll on me in a whole host of ways. It's not my fault. There is nothing I've done to contract it. There is nothing I could have done to stop if from developing. Even if there was, I had no way of knowing, neither does the medical community, for that matter. It is what it is, and I've got to learn to live with it. I have to learn to stop blaming myself, stop beating myself up for not living up to my own expectations. Chris is wonderful for this. Every time he says it's okay, I hear "it's not your fault, I don't blame you" and it sinks in a little deeper. It's okay to have tired days, or slow days, or bad days. I can't help it. He's not going to stop loving me because of any of it. I'm not ruining his life. I'm not wasting mine. I don't have the words for how much that means to me. I'm so very happy I get to keep him. I really really am. He's such a good man.

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