Fucking Fibro

So I haven't been doing so well for the past month I guess. I don't really know how long it's been. All I know is I'm at my breaking point once again. Every day is pain. Every day I wake up exhausted and with absolutely no desire to do anything at all. Some days I don't even shower. That's how little I care. I just can't be bothered. I hurt. I'm nauseous. So fucking nauseous I can't bare to stand up long enough to make myself something decent to eat. So most days I don't eat lunch. It's just too much effort for me. How sad is that?!

I hate living like this. I hate what I've become. I'm SO fucking useless. I can't even take care of myself never mind be of any use to anyone else. I hate it. Yet I still can't seem to manage to DO anything. I have no motivation, and I don't know how to change/fix it. Nothing matters enough. No matter how guilty I feel, no matter how much I try to convince myself I need to get up, I just can't be bothered. I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm miserable. I just can't be bothered.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!

Seriously. I hate this. And the drug just isn't helping enough anymore. I'm actually afraid I'm reacting badly to it now. My face has been on fire for the past few weeks. My skin is just so hot it hurts. My skin is raw from the heat. It doesn't matter how cold I am either. I can be shivering with cold, and my face is still hot and sore. What the hell is going on with me?!

I tried upping my dose of cymbalta. My doc said I could try it if the 30mg wasn't cutting it, and it's not. But I can't handle 60mg. I can't sleep. I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a mack truck. The pain is worse because I can't seem to get any rest at all. And the perverbial straw that broke the camel's back is that I had hallucinations the last day I took it. I was half awake and thought there was a lost child in our apartment. It took me 10 minutes to manage to really open my eyes and see what was actually there - nothing. That scared the crap out of me, and I went back to 30 mg. But it just isn't helping. I hurt. I hurt all the time. It's so draining.

I'm angry and depressed and I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't take it. I feel so lazy and useless. I hate it. I used to have drive. I used to be able to fight through the pain, and I just don't seem to be able to do that anymore. My brain just asks "what's the point"? When I try. I mean, really, what is the point? I'm going to hurt no matter what. There is nothing I can do. Nothing will change the fact that I'm in pain, that I'm always going to be in pain, so what's the point?

I just... I can't force myself to care...about anything. I hurt, and that's my whole world, there is nothing left but the pain. I don't want to live like this damnit! I feel so weak. Weak because I can't fight it, weak because I have no desire left to fight it. Weak because I do nothing. Christ, some days I don't even have the energy to complain! How pathetic is that?!

I love Chris, I do, honest to all the gods I do, and yet I can't manage to pull myself out of bed, and even do the dishes for him, or do laundry, or clean, or make dinner. I just... I have no motivation for anything. I never used to be like this. What has happened to me?! I don't want to be this person. I'm fucking useless. I hate it. I hate what I've become.

I don't even have any desire to knit!! ME! I love knitting! I have a hard time not knitting. My hands feel empty when I'm not knitting. I can't just sit and watch tv, I can't handle the nothing my hands are doing, and yet now... I haven't knit anything in well over a month. I just... I have no desire for it. This isn't right. This isn't like me. It's just not.

I don't want to be this person. I really really don't. But I don't know how to not be. :(