Sunday, April 4, 2010

Tattoo Healing, or rather Not Healing

I don't think I can do this again. I really don't. It shouldn't hurt this badly. My skin, the skin around the edge of one side of the tattoo feels like it's on fire. Like, literally, burning in the flames, the air hurts, on fire. It's hot, and so tender, and OW. I've never had a tattoo act like this. I've never been so fucking sensitive. I think the fibro is just totally fucking with me.

I was in the shower today, washing the tattoo, just with my hand and some non-sented hypo-allergenic soap, and this huge piece of...I don't know what just came off on my fingers. It was green and shaded. Clearly it'd come from the lily pad. It had a bit of goo out the outside, not that I was surprised as it's been lymphing for almost a week straight now, and it was very solid feeling, like it was a piece of flesh that I'd lost, which, honestly maybe it was. When I got out of the shower, I looked at my tattoo, and wouldn't you know it, part of the lily pad looks like a fucking blow torch was taken to it. Some of the colour was just gone! Now, this was a cover-up. The damn lily pad was already there. And now... now it's not.

what. the. fuck.

I'm so freaked out. So so so freaked out. What if I can't heal a tattoo anymore? What if what's left of the scabs just lift all the colour right out? What then? What do I fucking do? Do I get Rick to try again? I mean, how can I possibly leave it? It will look worse than awful. It will look like someone took fucking acid to my skin!! But what if I just can't heal it?? I mean, even after I sit through, and endure what I'm sure will be excruciating pain of a touch up, what if, even then it heals like acid scars?? What do I do??????

I'm so...disheartened. All that pain... All that pain for nothing. For worse than nothing. I've lost something I already had. It was just sort of a crappy, awkward tattoo, not good, but not that bad. But now..... Now I'm going to have an acid scarred tattoo, with white blotches, and skin that's healed so poorly it's ugly all on it's own. *sobs*

I love tattoos! I was so very much hoping to get more. I wanted to get a back piece some day. I wanted another thigh piece on the left to balance out the right. I wanted to get cute little sparrows for my mom, and roses for my Pa. I wanted a Cheshire Cat's smile so I could carry a bit of one of my best friends around with me always. Hell, I was even thinking of getting a 'fuck you fibro/I can fight this' tattoo.

But apparently I can't. I can't fight this at all. It's kicking my ass and I'm loosing yet more of my life, yet more of myself.

I feel beaten and broken. I am beaten and broken. The red hot swollen skin, and the disaster of a tattoo say that better than anything else.

I just want to cry. But I'm actually too sad, too lost. I hate that fibro has stolen this from me too. I've wanted another tattoo for years now. Wanted it so badly. It never even occurred to me that I just couldn't do it, that my body would betray me like this. I'm so.....angry. Fucking fibro.

I can't do anything. I can't work, I'm way too sore and I have so little energy that it's just not possible. Fuck, I consider it a good when I have enough energy to go to the gym or to go get groceries. OR. That's right, I can't fucking do both in one day. It's too much. My body won't let me. I'm a fucking useless cripple. I can't even remotely be who I want to be. Fuck I hate this. I hate what my life has become and how fucking little control I have over all of it.

I hate this. I just hate it. I'm fucking powerless to make any kind of real fucking change. I'm at the fucking whim of a gods damn 'syndrome' that doctors like to argue about whether it fucking exists or not. Gr. At least my doctor thinks it does, though it doesn't do me much good. I still hurt. I'm still exhausted all the time. I'm still fucking useless.

Fuck I hate this so much. So so much.

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