I'm Really Feeling the Pressure Now

It's coming down to the wire, as they say.

I still have to bake the cakes.
And frost them.
I need to pick a menu and wines.
I need to do a bit of sewing on my dress.
Hell, I need to get thread that matches my dress still!
And somehow get my dress to Toronto unharmed.  No clue how I'm going to manage it.
I have to finish choosing reception music and burn the CDs.
I have to finish putting together the Wedding Programs. Just finished!! YAY!
I have to knit at least one more Octopus.
I need to rope my guests aka friends and family into working my wedding, just a bit.
I have to decide if I'm doing centre pieces. -- I even have the catering manager saying I need something now. o.0
I have to figure out what I'm doing for a bouquet!
I have to make my bouquet and a few boutonnières.
Oh! And I have to pick up Chris' suit from being tailored!
And iron his shirt... I promised...

*sigh*

And somehow I have to do all this in.....under 11 days.  Battling nasty headaches, insane nausea, and all the other crap FMS is throwing at me lately.

Gods grieve me a monkey....

I just don't know how I'm going to get it all done!  I totally should have got Chris to take more time off to help me. Bah. Bah, I say!

A Complaint Sent to Addition-Elle Headquaters

For some reason I feel the desire to share this...

Hi,

I'm a pretty loyal Addition-elle customer. I've been shopping at your store since I was about 15-16 years old. I'm now 31.

Like all larger woman, I've gone up and down in size over the years. Due to health reasons, I've sadly gone up again. I'm now a size XX(I'm so not sharing this with the internet!), sometimes tall, sometimes regular length, depending on the style.

A few weekends ago I went into your Toronto store looking to buy a new pair of pants. I desperately needed a pair that fit. I'd looked on your website, and you had LOTS of styles that went up to my size, so I was in high hopes I'd find something.

I looked at EVERY SINGE PAIR of pants in your Toronto 'flagship' store, and found ZERO, that's right, ZERO pairs of pants in my size and length. There was ONE pair of XX size Tall jeans, but they were about two inches too long for me. 85% of the pants in the store were size 18 and under. There were only a handful of pants above that. I felt so dejected. I mean, if I can't find pants at a store that claims to be for plus size women, where the hell am I going to find clothes to fit me?! If Addittion-elle is telling me that 14-18 is plus size, what the heck am I? I felt so alone and alienated, and betrayed really. Addition-elle, over the years, has been the only store where I didn't feel like a freak for being so large, and now to learn your Toronto store no longer stocks my size?? Heartbreaking! I nearly cried.

Also, I need to say, I spent about an hour in your store searching the racks, and NOT ONE SINGE EMPLOYEE came up to me and asked me if I needed help. I stood in front of the dressing rooms for 15 minutes waiting to be let in to try on the pants that were one size down from my size (all I could find) that I'd picked out in desperation, and NO ONE even looked my way. I ended up letting myself in!

I, thankfully, grew up in Hamilton and knew about your Addition-elle/Penningtons superstore on Queenston road - my all time favourite store to shop in. I went all the way to Hamilton, a two hour trip one way to the store for me, thank you very much, to find pants. There I found MANY pairs of pants in my size. I found helpful employees that asked if I needed help, started me a room, checked up on me, and encouraged me to tell you my story. I ended up buying a whole outfit, that looks great, and made me feel good about myself again. More of your stores should be like the Queenston Rd Store! They have a wonderful selection of sizes, and employees that genuinely care about  their customers and the good name of your store/brand.

Sincerely,

Melissa Hazelton

Wedding Bouquet Doubts

Since having my Bridal Photo session - which went wonderfully - I've been doubting my original plan for a wedding bouquet. *sigh*

I wanted to do something simple, in red roses, because those are the ones that call to me. Something like this:

I've bought this large crystal buttons to go between the roses and some smaller crystals from a bead sore to add in the centre of the flowers.

But..... When I had my photo session yesterday, Judy surprised me with a bouquet made by a florist friend of hers. It was fabulous!  Red roses with green and white orchids, pink-ish tiny flowers, golden gerbers, this deep red fuzzy flower, lots of green leaves, ivy, and little apples for pete's sake!! Oh, and there was a calla lilly in the centre that was orange tinged with red.  Perfect colour for the bouquet.  Altogether it had a very fall feeling, and totally complimented my red dress!  In fact, the red roses were the colour of my dress!

It was heavy though. OMG. I really don't want my wedding day one to be that heavy!  It was straining my arms! lol.  Clearly I need to go to the gym, but I kid you not it weighed more than my macbook(which is 7 pounds)!!

So after seeing the teaser photo Judy posted on facebook yesterday of my dress with the bouquet, I'm re-thinking my plan.  Judy also told me that her florist friend recommended against the red red roses I love because they are the colour of my dress, and this will just blend into my dress in photos.  *sigh*

Seeing the roses yesterday, in person and in the photo with my dress I know she's right.  I hate it though.  I was hoping the crystals would be enough to bring out the bouquet and make it a separate thing, but I think instead the crystals will just swim in a sea of red.  NOT what I want.

I've looked at black magic roses, which are darker, on the recommendation of said florist, but they are too dark for my liking.  This is a bouquet that uses them, and black-red calla lillies.  I like it on it's own. I like it for a bride in white, but with me in red, and my now dark red hair, I worry it's just too much dark.  Especially with me being so damn pale!

I'm torn between something very simple, and something full of fall colours and flowers.  I know both will look good, but I keep coming back to our theme, or rather non-theme.

We aren't decorating the banquet hall we are having the wedding at - it looks great as is frankly.  It has dark wooden walls, modern photos hanging, awesome modern chandeliers - it has a very European/urban/modern feel to it. It's very us.  Like a ritzier version of us.  The tables will be set with white table cloths, with black ones over top diagonally. Very modern. Very simple. Very timeless.  And that's me.... I always dress in a "classic style", as in, I don't go in for trendy stuff often, and I can't be bothered with fashion, and just want to look nice.  I want that feel for the wedding.  Honestly, I originally wanted a fall theme, but that's just way more work than I'm willing to put in or ask my guests to help me put in.

So, I want my flowers to fit into this modern, simple, timeless theme.  I want to be able to use the crystals I bought damnit! I spent like $20 on them! Shhh.. Chris will have a fit I'm sure.  But I love them, and I think they could totally work in another bouquet... I just don't know what exactly to do.

I've been looking at white bouquets, and all the ones I love have fiddlehead ferns in them, but can I find fiddlehead ferns in the wholesale flower shops I was hoping to get my flowers from? Noooooo!  I can't even seem to find any mention of them on the websites of local florists.  WTH Toronto!!

I love this:

And this:

Honestly, I love the first one the best, it's so eclectic! And bright and dark and fresh!  I honestly would not be able to do that myself though, and I really really want to do my own flowers damnit.

The third one I could totally do, if I could find some damn fiddle heads.  I would use more white and cream roses. I could add my crystals to them and it would look very nice I think. There's hydrangea in there, I could do that, I think I would also like to add some mums maybe, and a few dahlias.  If I couldn't find fiddle heads, and it wasn't a deal breaker for me - right now I'm not sure if it is or not - I could add some dark wheat stalks as a contrast piece, I saw them at the local florists.  I could even add some dark branch limbs, maybe...

I do love fall bouquets though. *sigh*  The bright sunflowers, the dahlias, the mums, the fuzzy flowers (whose name I don't know) that comes in such deep colours, the ornamental cabbages!!  Oh I love those!  But they open a can of worms, so to speak, that I'm not really sure I want to open. I love fall colours, I love fall leaves, I love  mini gourds and little pumpkins! Omg, so cute!  So if I had a fall bouquet I'd want to incorporate fall colours even more. I'd want fake (or real) leaves for the tables. I'd want mini gourds, and tiny pumpkins, possibly in vases, possibly just strewn about the tables.  I'd want orange, red and yellow everything!  I know me.

It would make me happy, but it would cost.  It would also ruin the modern/timeless theme we have going on that we didn't have to even work for! I like that.  I have fibro.  I have very limited energy.  I'm likley going to spend the next week struggling to get my cakes baked(a task that even I could do in a day normally) because I over-extended myself this week.  *sigh*  I really don't need to add more to my plate.

Judy gave me her florist friends email.  Judy said I should contact her and tell her what my budget is and see what she can do for me. She even offered to pick up my bouquet on her way to the wedding! How nice is that?!  Judy is awesome, seriously.

Part of me wonders if she just doesn't think I can do it.  She said it was one less thing to stress about.  But you know, I haven't really stressed about the flowers, until now.  I new what I wanted, and that was that. Now I'm re-thinking. I'm not stressed, I don't think. I have a few weeks, I'm just undecided.  I love flowers though. I'd really like to try my hand at a bouquet.  I don't have anything else planned for the 9th.  I don't think it will tax me too much...

UPDATE:
Since I don't actually remember sharing, I thought this would be the perfect place to show off the bouquet I did end up making. I think my fall themed flowers went great with my red dress. I cannot express how much I loved my bouquet.

Notice the crystal fiddlehead ferns, the pine cones, wheat, and large crystals interspersed with the flowers.

Husband holding bouquet. Notice the bling. I bought an M done in crystals and attached it with black ribbon to the ribbon around the base of the bouquet.

 

I had red roses, white roses, sunflowers, ornamental cabbage, and bright green miniature mums. Colourful, fall themed, sparkly, and so very perfect with my amazing red silk dress! And I made it myself in an hour or two the day before our wedding.
___________________________________________________________________________
Judy keeps telling me I should get a pro to do my make-up.  I'm not sure if it's because she's such a traditionalist, or if she thinks I do my own badly -- that's my biggest worry.  I don't have much experience doing make up, it's entirely possible I don't do a very good job.  But when I see what I've done, I like how it looks, mostly.  I wish I could manage the foundation lighter, but otherwise I think I look good. The foundation isn't caked on, it's just... it feels like my skin is hiding, and I like my skin, other than the damn spider veins I'm getting, and I don't like hiding it, flaws and all.

Maybe I'm just more of a hippie than I ever dreamed I could be??

I seem to look okay in the pictures from our photo sessions though.  I don't know if Judy had to really photoshop me or what, but I seem to look fine... Here is an example I found quickly (one of my favourite from the session):

I look fine right??

*Sigh*  I hate being so damn undecided! Bah! BAH I say!

Finally!!

It's taken a week to get my beloved macbook back, but I have it! :D

I really really have missed it!  though I've not missed working on wedding crap. I really wish it was just all over.  I'm so very done with it all. *sigh*

But if I don't do it no one will, and having silence at my reception it just more than I can bare.

Weird, yet telling dream

I always have weird dreams, perhaps I should stop prefacing my tellings with a statement of oddity?

Anyway! To the dream!

I've been dreaming of home lately. I'm not exactly sure why, but there it is. And when I do dream of home, home is always my parents house. Partly, I'm sure because that was my childhood, it was my home for 30 years of my life, and I'm just now trying to deal with the fact that it's not my home anymore. I'm always welcome there, I always will be, but it's not my home. I know too, that part of why I always dream of my parents house as home is because. although I've lived here for over a year, and Chris tries to make me feel like this is my home too, in my heart, this isn't my home. It's Chris place, not mine, I just live here. Does that make any sense? I don't feel like a squatter exactly, but... this isn't mine. My clothes live here, and some of my books, but all my furniture, all my yarn, all my accoutrements of home don't live here. They are packed away in my parents attic. So when I dream, I dream of my parents home, with my old room intact, when I had a place that felt like my own.

this time I dreamt that my family was going on a picnic. My uncle Russell and his family were at the house, helping my parents pack stuff in the van, they were going along you see. I'm not sure how much of my family was going. I think perhaps it was the once annual family picnic at Bing Park. We haven't done that in the past few summers, mostly because it's a)hard to arrange that many people to be someplace all at the same time, and b) the weather has been pretty shitty/unpredictable. Anyway, family picnic. I don't think Chris and I were going, though I don't know why. It just felt like they were leaving us behind for some reason.,,

Dreams don't have to make sense! Carrying on!

My Uncle Russell chided... someone? Maybe his daughter to hurry up. He said that even Neda who was notoriously always late was ready and waiting. "Neda?!" I thought, surely I must have heard him wrong. When I asked him what he meant, he said Neda was sitting outside in one of the patio chairs, waiting,

I ran out the door, flabbergasted, hopeful and angry. Neda was in South Korea, or Australia. She wasn't coming home, ever, not even to visit! And yet, there she was, sitting in one of mom and pa's lovely brown patio chairs, smiling, and looking quite at home.

I wanted to hug her. I wanted to slap her! She'd been home for gods knows how long, but she never bothered to call me?! Never bothered to answer, not one of the many messages I'd sent her?! Too good for me, she was. And yet here she sat, thinking how happy I would be, thinking I would welcome her with open arms. Think her so clever for surprising me.

Yeah. Not going to happen. I screamed at her "You bitch! You could have CALLED!" Then stormed into the house. Neda followed me, smiling even bigger, thinking I was just teasing her, thinking my anger was momentary.

Neda picked up a dish towel on the counter and started slinging it towards me in a playful manner. I don't remember what she said... something light, playful, teasing, very Neda. She likely punned at me. She's very punny. I, however, was not amused. I got another dish towel from the rack, and tried to thwack her with it, in earnest.

I started yelling about how upset I was. She abandoned me! She abandoned us!! She left everyone she knew, everyone that loved her, and went off in search of adventure. She didn't even have the decency to be honest with any on us, or at least with me about her future plans!! She made me think she was coming home, at least for a visit! I thought I might actually get to celebrate my wedding, my marriage, with her! But nooo! I'm not good enough! Of course she'd never come back for meeee I'm not important enough to bring her back here. Not to boring old Canada. Hell, I'm not even important enough to get to know the truth, to get to know her plans! And she thinks she can just show up whenever she pleases and I'll just welcome her back with open arms?? It will be like it was before she left?? That we'll be the best of friends?! That we'll be friends at all?! NO! No I tell you! I won't have it!

At this point I stormed off. The whole house was in an uproar. I was ready to cry, I was falling apart, and I just wanted to be alone. As I was walking down the hall, Christine, a friend of Chris and I's from Toronto, came in the front door. She was walking like she had a purpose. like she was late, with her usual big black bag that she kept her laptops in. I wanted to hug her, I was so relieved to see her, though I'm not sure why, we aren't actually close in real life, or my dream for that matter. Chris and Neda were both hot on my heels, so I forgo-ed hugging Christine and darted into the bathroom I managed to just get in and lock the door before my pursuers caught up to me. Neda wanted to 'explain', Chris just wanted to see if I was all right. I didn't want to deal with either of them. Of course I wasn't all right.

Chris and Neda started arguing, likely over who got to pick the lock. There was shuffling, and bumping, and groaning, and a female moan - in my mind I pictured Chris' bony elbow hitting Neda in the nose. (Yes, I realise neither of them would behave this way, it was a dream.) I was angry with Neda, I wasn't sure I wanted to be her friend anymore, hell, I wasn't sure she was my friend - how can you be friends when you are worlds away and you never talk?? But I didn't want her hurt. I didn't want either of them hurt. I opened the door. Neda was holding her face and Chris was looking angry, worried, and sad.

We all trooped back into the kitchen, the heart of my former home. Neda sat down, and I got her an ice back from the freezer and a tea towel to wrap it in. She looked at me, surprised and wary. I guess I deserved that. Whatever. I gave her the icepack and sat down with Chris on the other side of the room. I sighed, looked at Neda forlornly and tired to figure out how to deal with the situation like an adult.

The dream ends or fades there.

I still don't know how to deal with the situation like an adult. In my heart I'm not really much of an adult. I feel hurt and betrayed and abandoned. I want to hope she'll come home some day and I can have my best friend back, but the logical part of my brain knows she's probably never coming back. And even if she did.... Well who's to say she'd make any effort to be my friend? She's not made any in almost a year, what makes me think she'd start then. I know I need to get over the loss of no longer having a best friend. I know I need to grow up and realise grown-ups just don't get to have that. Best friends are things children have. When you grow up you date, and get married, and the myth is, your husband(for those that have husbands) is supposed to be your best friend. Only.... Mine isn't, or won't be. Sure I love Chris, I love him very much, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, but my best friend he ain't and never will be.

*Sigh*

I wish I was better at making friends. I wish I was better at fostering relationships... I know I'll never had what I did with Neda. I know I'll never have a group of friends as close, as trusted, and as loved as 'the gang'. I know I'll never get to feel so loved, and accepted as I did when we were all the best of friends. But I also know it's possible to have something else, something similar. Don't get me wrong. I do have friends. And they are very nice. I like them quite a lot. But we aren't close. Our relationships aren't the type where I feel comfortable asking for favours... I don't feel like I can call them up and say, hey, let's hang out. Hell, I'm not even sure I have any of their numbers. I know Chris has a few on his cell phone, but I don't have them. What I mean is, we have them because we have previously arranged to meet them, or been invited to parities at their places, but it wasn't like they gave them to me/us saying, hey call me some time, we should hang out.

I'm the kind of person you're happy to see at a party. You think I'm sweet, or nice or whatever, but I'm not the type of person most people think, 'hey, I want to hang out with her'. I'm just not that interesting. I don't work. I don't have job stories; I can't even relate to a lot of them because it's been so long since I have worked. I'm chronically ill, chronically in pain, this makes me pretty much a huge downer, and I know it. I'm not well read. I'm not up on current events or politics - I don't read the news, it depresses me. So I can't even carry on simple chit chat half the time. So it's not like I blame people... I just.... *sigh* I wish I didn't feel so isolated and... starved for female companionship.

I get snuggles from Chris. We talk to each other and all. But, ask him for his opinion, on just about anything I'd normally want/need one on, and he's clueless. Half the time he gets fed up and angry that I even ask. I'm trying to learn not to ask, or at least preface my talking with the knowledge I won't get an opinion but sometimes talking it out helps. And talking it out to myself, when I'm alone in a room, is just too close to crazy for me to do. I really miss chick time, cause women, we find a way to give feedback. I miss so very much being able to ask for feedback, even on simple things.

I think if it wasn't for Offbeat Bride and their community site, I would have gone crazy trying to plan our wedding! I'm just not used to making decisions based on opinion without getting at least some feedback from another person!

Though it's been literally years since I've had a shopping partner, I still miss having someone there. I've learned to shop on my own, all grown-ups have to, but it's just nice to have someone there to be the voice of reason, the voice of style, someone that knows you, who, unlike the clerk, isn't trying to sell you something, ya know? Men don't know... it's a chick thing to shop in groups. It's how we're socialized. And damnit, I miss it. I miss having friends, real friends.... *sigh*