Wedding Dress Woes

I knew it wouldn't be easy finding a dress. My size alone makes it hard. Add to that I really want a red Taffeta dress. Almost no one has any dresses in anything even remotely my size, and the ones that 'fit' or are close.. well many are just so not my style. There are very few I've liked so far. *sigh*

There is one dress I've just fallen in love with by Mori Lee (well, except for the rose, and funky thing hanging from it):



But in going to a Bridal store today with Neda, we saw Mori Lee's swatches, and the red Taffeta is just not shiny or irridescent like the other colours. :( Boo! So even if I ordered it, I wouldn't be happy, because the fabric wouldn't be what I want.

I feel like I've looked at/tried on quite a few dresses, and nothing is just right, or perhaps even right enough. I'm beginning to worry that I'm just being too picky and am falling into the trap of being a 'princess'. *sigh* I do not want to be a princess, damnit. I want to be able to try something on, like it well enough, and think "This'll do". But every time I try something on, it's just "meh".

As I look, I'm realising more and more, that I do know what I want, and that is making it much harder for me. I really do want Taffeta. I love Taffeta. All the dresses that catch my eye are either Taffeta or raw silk, which shines similarly. As for style, I want some kind of ruching or pleat on the bust, a high waist, preferably with a ruched belt, and a full (we're talking semi-circle of fabric here) skirt. I really want tea-length (aka mid calf), because then I can potentially wear this dress again. I'm honestly not sure what kind of neckline would be best, however.

I'm just... I'm so torn. On one hand I think I should just settle/be happy with... simple, off-the-rack, and under $300. On the other, I want what I want, and I'm horribly tempted to look into getting a dress custom made. Chris told me before I went shopping in the states with the girls, for me not to get upset/sad if I didn't find anything; I could just have something made; even if it would be more money, I'd get the dress I'd want, I'd be happy, and I'm worth it. Isn't that sweet? I really am very lucky to be so well loved. :D

When looking for dresses online previously, I found Lisa Van Hattem and I kinda fell in love with her and her website. I don't know, something really struck me. She seems so friendly, and all the dresses on her site and her blog are so lovely. But one thousand dollars?? I'm really not sure I can stomach paying that for a freaking dress. I mean, even as much as I say I'd like to be able to wear my dress again, I'm really not sure if I'll ever actually get another chance, and paying $1000 or more for something I'm only going to wear once just seems so ridiculous. This is part of why I wanted to go with a 'bridesmaid' style dress in the first place!

In the past week, Neda and Sabrina have come dress shopping with me, which I really appreciate. We had fun! Imagine! And I hate clothes shopping generally too. Today Neda took me/came with me to a couple places around Toronto. Not much luck, but worth it, as I got to see thw Mori Lee swatches. Going dress shopping alone would really be no fun at all. It'd be downright depressing, especially with the luck I've had.

I think next week I'm going to get Sabrina to take me in to Rainbow in Hamilton, see what they have. You never know. Then maybe I'll decide about the custom route. I'm just not cut out for all this running around - I'm exhausted! Damn Fibro is so kicking my ass energy-level-wise.

Living with Fibromyalgia

It's been a month and a bit since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My doctor has given me a drug to try to manage my pain - a half dose of Cymbalta. Overall I really think it's helping. When I look back/read part blog entries, and I think about how riddled with pain I was, it's like night and day to now. I still get sore, I still have sinus headaches occasionally, and migraines randomly, but I'm not in pain 24/7. I'm not so sore that I spend days in bed crying. I'm still really tired. I get tired easily. I take a long time to recover/regain energy when I exert myself. But overall, huge improvement.

I can go out with friends. I was up till 4 am new years eve! I slept in till noon! noon! Slept like a rock! Like my old self! I've glowed on occasion even! I'm so so much happier. I feel a lot more like my old self. So much so that I've recently started beating myself up mentally for being so stupidly tired. My brain is ready to go, it wants to do things, and my body lags. It says "I want to stay in bed! I'm tired! Lets do nothing today!" And I find myself wondering, all over again, why am I sore, why am I so damn tired, what's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I have Fibromyalgia. It kicks your ass. It's not my fault. I also am either getting over a cold or have a sinus infection, I can't tell which, but both are very draining for me. So yeah. Life is so much better. Many days I even forget I have a chronic illness. How sweet is that?

Chris is so good to me. So so good. He takes care of me when I'm just not feeling up to it. He's been on vacation, and totally spoiling me. Cooking for me, doing dishes, buying groceries. I really appreciate the help. Especially on days like today when my body just feels heavy and tired, and sore. Not epic sore, but my knees hurt when I stand/walk, and I know if I had had to go for groceries I'd have been in agony by the time I got back. He's also the voice of reason so very often. He's the one telling me it's okay that I'm tired, that I've been doing a lot, that he doesn't mind getting groceries or making dinner, it's okay that I need to rest. I need to hear that. I have this horrible habit of beating myself up when I can't do the things I think I should be able to, that I was once able to.

Perhaps this will sound crazy, but I honestly do forget it's not my fault. I think, why can't I do these things? What's wrong with me? Like somehow it's my fault. But it's not my fault. I have Fibromyalgia, for pete's sake. I have a chronic illness, and it takes it's toll on me in a whole host of ways. It's not my fault. There is nothing I've done to contract it. There is nothing I could have done to stop if from developing. Even if there was, I had no way of knowing, neither does the medical community, for that matter. It is what it is, and I've got to learn to live with it. I have to learn to stop blaming myself, stop beating myself up for not living up to my own expectations. Chris is wonderful for this. Every time he says it's okay, I hear "it's not your fault, I don't blame you" and it sinks in a little deeper. It's okay to have tired days, or slow days, or bad days. I can't help it. He's not going to stop loving me because of any of it. I'm not ruining his life. I'm not wasting mine. I don't have the words for how much that means to me. I'm so very happy I get to keep him. I really really am. He's such a good man.

Merry Christmas to all!

It's Christmas Eve day, and I've got lots to do, so that's all you're getting from me today!

*muah*

New Hair!

I (finally) got my hair cut on Monday. I went to Stacie at Strut in Hamilton. I always love the colour she does my hair, though I'm always taking time to get used to the cut. They always look great, I just get the jitters when I lose 3 inches at a time. My hair grows so slowly, it takes six months to get that back! This is yet another reason why I'm always so careful who cuts my hair, if I got a bad cut, I'd have to live with it for a long time. Stacie always does an amazing job though, even if it does take me awhile to get used to the shortness.

This time I was prepared I think though. I wanted to get it cut. I knew it needed it, and I really wanted a change. Change I got! I have bangs! It's dark, really dark. Ebony dark! I really like it. I was thinking more of a milk chocolate brown, but I'm totally loving the darker brown almost black. I'm sure it will fade to a slightly lighter brown, it always does when you get your hair coloured, and I'll be good with that too. It's just at my shoulders with a layered edge. It feels so light and healthy. She styled it for me, flat ironing it, and it shone like glass.



Even today, with me doing nothing to it, it's still shiny like glass. I love it. I love having healthy hair! :D I also realised that, after 30 years of having curly-ish hair, I have straight hair!! My bangs dried perfectly today, all on their own! The last time I had bangs I had to flat iron them every day to shape them, what a pain in the ass that was. But no more! They dried beautifully, just the lightest curve in the tips, exactly as I would have done if I'd had to style them! The only curl in my hair is at the very ends. For some reason my hair likes to curl every so slightly there. It's not a bad look, but if I was going out I think I'd straighten it so it would look perfect. But still, I don't have to do my bangs! Squee! So exciting for me.



I think part of what helped me keep my positive attitude about my hair is the glowing comments I've gotten. We went out to dinner with friends last night; everyone noticed my hair and was very enthusiastic about how much they liked it. So yay!

It's the end of day 2 with the new hair and I'm still loving it. Very good sign. :D

In other news, I'm baking xmas gifts today, I can't say what however, as it's a surprise. Hopefully I can get some more done over the next few days as well. I also promised a sick friend I'd make her shortbread. So much baking to do. oy. I don't think I'll bring anything baked home for Christmas this year, though I'm sure there will be more than enough goodies that my mommy made.

Tempis Fugid

Wow, here it is the 12th already!

Update on my health: I've been taking a low dose of Cymbalta, which is a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor(SSRI). It's an antidepressant that works to decrease pain. I've read a bit about it, but I'm no good at chemistry/biology, I don't actually understand how it works.

In terms of me, I'm not sure if it's working or not. My knees aren't as sore as they've been, but I've also been living within my limits for the past month, and have been very careful not to push too hard. My shoulder is still sore, and I don't know why, so I'm guessing it's the fibro. I still have killer headaches. I have one today. It's enough to knock me over. And I'm beginning to worry the drug is fucking with my sleep. For the past two weeks now, I'd say since I started, or a little after, I've had the hardest time getting any kind of restful sleep. It used to be that the pain would make me up. I don't wake up in pain these days, which is good. This could be the drug, or it could just be the fibro has settled, that happens from time to time as well. But now, a new thing for me, as I'm falling asleep, just as I'm about to pass from light sleep into real, deep, restoritive sleep, my brain jolts me to full wakefulness. This happens ALL night long. I wake up feeing just as tried, or more tired than I went to bed, and terribly frustrated as well.

I never used to have this problem!! I'm hoping if it is the drug it will "settle down". I think the first time I took this, at double the dose I am now, I complained to my doctor about not being able to sleep, and he said sometimes there is a peroid of adjustment and it could take up to five weeks to settle, and that I should stick with it. I will... but fuck, I hate being so damn tired. Fibro makes me tired enough as it is, add to it bad sleep, and I feel like the walking dead!

In other news, I'm still in the middle of christmas shopping and have yet to do much baking. In terms of the shopping, I know exactly what I want, and I think this time, that's making it all the harder as I'm having a terrible time finding it. I'm hoping to feel well enough to go shopping later this week. And do the baking too. I am doing baking for a few presents this year, so I need to get to that. I'm making things that will keep, so now's the time. Or, as my mom says, do it when you feel up to it.

It really weirds me out that I identify so well with my 76 year old grandmother (she raised me, I call her mom, because to me, that's what she is). I mean, I'm 30, but I feel 80 more often than not. It sucks big hairy goat balls. But at least I'm beginning to get treatment, hopefully things will get better soon.