I can't show you the baby blanket, because it's a gift, and I want it to be, mostly a surprise for the mom. But it's coming along! I have actually finished the knitting, after like 10-12 days of straight knitting. We're talking 40+ hours of knitting my fingers off.
Much to my dismay, when I finally got it off my needles... it wasn't square. I did the add two stitches every other row, like the instructions I found for corners told me to.. I'm thinking it might have been better to add two stitches every row... But once I was done, there is no way in hell I was ripping out 40 hours of work!!
So. Acylic..... You can't really block it. Not the traditional way, washing and pinning, it will just jump back to it's pre-washing state. And besides, baby blanket, it's going to get washed, and mom is not about to block the dang thing.
SO! I 'killed' the two bottom boarders. Killing, really isn't as bad as it sounds, you just have to be careful! For instance, leave garter stitch alone as much as you can, as you will flatten it, and it will look...not great. The flat patterned parts stretched really well, overall, and it flattened out the elephants and loins really well, so yay! I did accidentally catch part of a garter stitch ridge in a few places, but I didn't flatten it too too badly.
This entire blanket had been a lesson in imperfection for me. I'm a perfectionist. I can't seem to help myself. But, in making this blanket, I've learned to weigh 'time to fix' vs 'who other than me will notice'. As a result, I've left a few errors that I didn't think were super obvious, left some things alone or did them quickly, when I otherwise would have spent hours upon hours trying to fix.
In the end, the blanket is lovely, and once I get the dang backing on it, will be a lovely edition to a baby's life; imperfections and all. It has character damnit.
On another note, sitting for like 12-16 hours a day knitting, is actually really hard on my body, and I've been crazy stiff and sore for the last two weeks. This week I've also been battling crazy nausea. I've been eating lots of candied ginger, which usually helps, with no avail. I've been fighting with all I have to do what little I've done.
Monday I worked for about five hours straight on the backing and trying to pin it to the knitted blanket. This was before I blocked the blanket. What a mess. And I messed up cutting the backing and ended up making a lot of work for myself. Oh well, that's life.
Made for a very frustrating day. So much work, with so little to show for it. All the while battling enough pain to make me dizzy when I moved too quickly. Fuck it was a hard day.
Yesterday was better. If for no other reason my class distracted me from my pain. But as soon as I left I realised my jaw was in grave pain - I'd been clenching my teeth to combat the pain. I even went to the grocery store. But I didn't have the energy to work on my blanket last night. Every time I moved I was overcome with nausea, and had to sit my fat ass down again.
That's been today. Pain and nausea warring for control over me. Right now the pain is winning and the nausea is more in the background. Which means, I've been able to at least iron down the edges of the backing, which will make it much easier to sew when I get there.
Feeling sorry for myself. Or.. Well... Disappointed in myself is more accurate. I fate being this size. I really do. If I think too hard on it, I get a panic attack. And yet I can't seem to control myself. I have no discipline. I can't resist chocolate, or.... giving in when I'm having a bad day. It's so bloody hard. Food has become my comfort, my balm when I'm in pain. And I don't know how to control it, never mind fix it.
I think about women like Laurell K Hamilton. She's been writing since her early twenties I think. She wanted to be a writer, and by gods, she has worked her ass off to get there, regardless of having a day job, a husband, a failing marriage, a baby, or anything else that's been thrown at her. Still she finds time to write. Still she finds her muse, and fights for what she wants. Even if I'm not the biggest fan of everything she's written her drive is awe inspiring.
I don't have that. I know I don't. I always have an excuse for everything. The only thing I've ever been able to ALWAYS make time for is knitting. I would likely knit in my sleep, if I could figure out a way to do it. I love to knit. It's to the point I just can't sit and watch a movie or tv. I can't. Not without something in my hands, not without some kind of knitting.
But I'm not The Yarn Harlot either. I'm not funny. I can't tell stories about knitting. I so can't write that sort of thing... it's not in my make-up. Besides, my knitting isn't pretty - the process that is. There's a lot of planning, math, calculator and pencil, graph paper, humming and hawing, and through, always the cursing. I curse like a sailor. If I drop a stitch (rare), or mess up a row (not so rare), or if I don't like the pattern I've chosen (often), or if I'm doing the math, and have to figure out increases and decreases, I curse. My husband is used to me muttering and cursing as I work. He worries more when I'm quiet. lol.
And now, I've used all the energy I had. The pain is taking over my brain, and I can't put the words together to say what I wanted to say. Damnit.
Living like this is really lonely. I mean, aside from the reality that I spend most of my days alone, and my nights across the room from my husband, not really conversing.... It's the knowledge that 99% of the people I know, don't have a fucking clue how hard my life is. I know in so many ways I'm lucky. Things really could be a lot worse. At the same time, my life sure as fuck isn't all sunshine and roses.
The pain eats at me. The nausea binds me to the spot. The stiffness makes me feel like I'm 100 years old. I visit my parents, who are really my grandparents both around80-ish, and both of them are more spry than I am. Both of them do more, are more ambitious, than I've been in a long ass time. I wish I was more like them. They can't sit still, they can't do nothing. The push. They do. They have gumption, drive, follow-through.
I've always been naturally lazy. I actually do like, for the most part, sitting and watching a good movie, or reading a good book. I like sleeping in. I like slow, lazy days.
My fibromyalgia forces me to take it slow, to sit around and do fuck all. And I hate it. Yet I rarely push past the pain. Most days, the pain wins. I crumble.
I feel so fucking weak. Touch my shoulders and hips, even lightly in certain spots and I'll scream in pain. I ache, all the way through me, and there isn't a fucking thing wrong with me. It's all in my head. Literally. Fucking FMS.
I.... Ugh. I feel like, if it was my mom who had this, she'd push. Even at 78, she'd push and do and be active, and live her life. She's lived with pain all her life too. But unlike me, she almost never complains, and very rarely ever lets it slow her down. I wish I could be like that. I wish I knew her secret. I just don't have that in me.
I'm disgusted with myself. On so many levels. Disease or not, I'm a disappointment. So many others have what I have, and yet they work full time jobs, they have kids, husbands, houses to clean, and they do it all. Somehow, the do it all. Me, I just.. I don't have that in me.
I wish I had that strength of character. I wish I had discipline and control. I don't. No matter how I try... I'm just... I'm not that kind of person. Ugh.
I don't.. I don't know how to fix this. I try. Gods know I try. But I just don't seem to have it in me. Makes me...disgusted with myself. I'll never be strong enough.
Showing posts with label Pa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pa. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Happy 2012!
So, it's a new year. Christmas, aka, December was a little crazy, but I did my best to keep things within my abilities. I made lots of cookies for my MIL, and even had enough over for my uncle, and visiting with friends.
I survived xmas shopping! Gods, I hate shopping in December, and what with all of November being devoted to NANO, December starts stressful. I think next year I'm going to start either the baking or the shopping at the end of October. Maybe get some halloween candy for stocking stuffers? LOL.
I watched this video via A girl's guide to taking over the world on the Facebook, it was about middle age women in the UK and how they go crazy over xmas because of all the stress and expectations they put on themselves. Part of it was funny, about how husbands tend to just totally sidestep all the crap we as women deal with.
It made me very glad I didn't go in for all that crap. I couldn't imagine worrying about Christmas for six months of the year!! o.0 I happen to love Christmas - for me it's all about spending time with my loved ones, and of course the cookies!
I really do hate baking with Splenda, BUT I also really love my husband and being able to bake for his mom. She appreciates it - I think it's one of the few times she doesn't have to worry about eating baked goods. But for me, it's about the man I love, and how much he appreciates it. I'd make 100 (actually that's close!) cookies every year to hear that hitch in his voice! aww! Yeah yeah.
Anyway. December. Christmas. It was lovely! We had the in-laws over a few days before Christmas, I cooked a turkey with all the fixings - which turned out fabulous!! We had a nice visit, and exchanged gifts. Then on xmas eve, we went to my parents to spend the night. That's really the gift my husband gives me, he lets me have Christmas with my parents. I'm SUCH a mamma's girl. I just... As long as they are living, I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to be there with them Christmas morning. It just... It wouldn't feel right to do anything else. They're my family, and like I said, that's what Christmas is all about for me.
Chris was off until today, so we had lots of time just relaxing, playing mario party on his new computer via a gamecube emulator, and watching the Doctor Who I got him. There was also lots of TV and knitting for me, and video games for him. A good time was had by all!
Today I cut the fabric for the lining I'm making for his coat - to replace the lining that's well, totally worn out. It took over two hours! o.0 I only cut out 4 pieces, effectively, but it still took forever. Part of the trouble is I don't have a dedicated table, so I took my time making sure everything was as flat and smooth as I could get it. Then cut carefully. Having your fabric well cut is 50% of the work of sewing, and if it's a simple sew, like what I'm doing, it's more like 70% of your effort, so well done!
Now that I've babbled sufficiently, I'm going to make the confession, that prompted this post: I am a huge Pink fan. Huge.
About, oh, ten years ago, when I was dabbling in pop music (again), I fell for her, and then sort of just went to boys and guitars exclusively for years. The other day, I'm not even sure how, in my browsing about Youtube, re-discovered her. Man, she rocks! I so want her, like, last three albums! She's got a great voice, and an even more amazing attitude. I loathe to say it, because usually only douches say it, but, she's fun! She can be serious, and she has the smokey voice to go with it, but, gods help me, she's fun, and I love her for it.
And this video/song has me wanting to sing at the top of my lungs!
I survived xmas shopping! Gods, I hate shopping in December, and what with all of November being devoted to NANO, December starts stressful. I think next year I'm going to start either the baking or the shopping at the end of October. Maybe get some halloween candy for stocking stuffers? LOL.
I watched this video via A girl's guide to taking over the world on the Facebook, it was about middle age women in the UK and how they go crazy over xmas because of all the stress and expectations they put on themselves. Part of it was funny, about how husbands tend to just totally sidestep all the crap we as women deal with.
It made me very glad I didn't go in for all that crap. I couldn't imagine worrying about Christmas for six months of the year!! o.0 I happen to love Christmas - for me it's all about spending time with my loved ones, and of course the cookies!
I really do hate baking with Splenda, BUT I also really love my husband and being able to bake for his mom. She appreciates it - I think it's one of the few times she doesn't have to worry about eating baked goods. But for me, it's about the man I love, and how much he appreciates it. I'd make 100 (actually that's close!) cookies every year to hear that hitch in his voice! aww! Yeah yeah.
Anyway. December. Christmas. It was lovely! We had the in-laws over a few days before Christmas, I cooked a turkey with all the fixings - which turned out fabulous!! We had a nice visit, and exchanged gifts. Then on xmas eve, we went to my parents to spend the night. That's really the gift my husband gives me, he lets me have Christmas with my parents. I'm SUCH a mamma's girl. I just... As long as they are living, I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to be there with them Christmas morning. It just... It wouldn't feel right to do anything else. They're my family, and like I said, that's what Christmas is all about for me.
Chris was off until today, so we had lots of time just relaxing, playing mario party on his new computer via a gamecube emulator, and watching the Doctor Who I got him. There was also lots of TV and knitting for me, and video games for him. A good time was had by all!
Today I cut the fabric for the lining I'm making for his coat - to replace the lining that's well, totally worn out. It took over two hours! o.0 I only cut out 4 pieces, effectively, but it still took forever. Part of the trouble is I don't have a dedicated table, so I took my time making sure everything was as flat and smooth as I could get it. Then cut carefully. Having your fabric well cut is 50% of the work of sewing, and if it's a simple sew, like what I'm doing, it's more like 70% of your effort, so well done!
Now that I've babbled sufficiently, I'm going to make the confession, that prompted this post: I am a huge Pink fan. Huge.
About, oh, ten years ago, when I was dabbling in pop music (again), I fell for her, and then sort of just went to boys and guitars exclusively for years. The other day, I'm not even sure how, in my browsing about Youtube, re-discovered her. Man, she rocks! I so want her, like, last three albums! She's got a great voice, and an even more amazing attitude. I loathe to say it, because usually only douches say it, but, she's fun! She can be serious, and she has the smokey voice to go with it, but, gods help me, she's fun, and I love her for it.
And this video/song has me wanting to sing at the top of my lungs!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Late Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Hope everyone's Christmas was lovely, mine certainly was! I got to spend some time with my parents, before the big day, which made Christmas feel much more whole for me.
I 'helped' my mom make donuts. She does the actual making, and once they are fried, I shook them in the cinnamon and sugar combo to coat them -- that's always been my job since I was little. It is a help though, it means mom doesn't have to stop frying to coat them, cause if you let them cool too much then the sugar just doesn't stick to the donuts.
Last year I had a terrible cold the week before Christmas, so I only saw my parents Christmas eve, and part of Christmas day. I felt cheated. I barely got any rappie pie and not one single donut. When I realised after Christmas that I'd missed out on my mom's donuts completely I literally sobbed my dismay to Chris. He totally didn't get it. But mom only makes donuts at Christmas. And they are fantastic! They're a 'tea time' donut, meant to be eaten the day they are made. The nutmeg in them is what makes them delicious, well that and the cinnamon and sugar coating on the outside. They are kinda like Tim Horton's Old Fashioned Plain donut, only with a coating. Though Timmie's has nothing on my mom's donuts.
So yeah, this year I got my fill of donuts. Or at least I had enough to satisfy my craving. I also got to have lots and lots of rappie pie. So very good! So very filling. So very strange, really, if you aren't used to it. It's basically meat and potatoes. But it's about as close to shepard's pie as Quittach is to soccer. lol.
I really enjoyed Christmas this year. We didn't have to rush, and everyone pitched in to help my mom with dinner. Chris and I helped with some of the set-up, and my aunts helped with the clean-up, which meant my mom didn't have to do everything herself. I haven't actually had a chance to talk to her since, but I'm hoping Christmas didn't leave her as drained as it did last year. She seemed to be holding up pretty well when we left at 5pm, which was well after our Christmas dinner. Though we call it dinner, it's always a late-ish lunch at about 2pm. That way we eat, we sit and talk, and about the time it's getting dark everyone is about ready to go home. Which works out perfectly for my young cousins who were there and my uncle who is in his 80s. And frankly for mom and Pa who are no longer spring chickens themselves, though I think they do far better than many people their age.
Christmas, for me, is all about family, and getting to spend it with my family and my husband was very very happy making. We even got to spend boxing day with our adopted family of Toronto friends, which was totally awesome!
This New Years Eve we are going to party held by our aforementioned Toronto friends. It's a theme party - tarts and vicars! I'm very much looking forward to it. Thanks to Halloween's past Chris already has his costume, mine is more up in the air. I'm sure I'll come up with something sufficiently tarty. If I had more time/energy/money I would totally be tempted to buy an outrageous wig, and some fake press on nails. lol. But I think I'll have to make do with what's already in my closets. I wish I had my tall boots in Toronto, but we had way too much to carry home Christmas day for me to bring them from Hamilton sadly.
And because I just can't not mention it, my mom gave us the most wonderful Christmas gift!! I know it's not supposed to be about gifts, and it's not, really, it's the thought behind it that has me all gushy. After we got married this last October, I confessed to my mom that even though we said no physical gifts, what I really wanted, was for my mom to buy me nice silverware. I have absolutely no luck in picking out silverware. I've bought some before for work, twice even, and both times they so did not work out. They rusted! They tasted of metallic decay! It was awful! My mom on the other hand has lovely taste in silverware. And I still remember when I was quite young, and one of my cousins was getting married. Mom bought him and his new wife silverware and a lovely wooden case for it. From that moment on, in my head, that was thee most perfect wedding gift. Nothing more was said, time went on, Chris and I last week bought ourselves a set of silverware while at Ikea -- we've wanted something better than what we have for some time, but the wedding came first. Since we were there (IKEA) we thought we'd pick something up that looked good. Thankfully we didn't get around to opening it as Christmas morning we found not one, but three sets of beautiful, simple, elegant silverware under the tree from my mom and pa!! Ironically the silverware mom picked looks almost exactly like the set I picked at Ikea that they didn't have any of. They had it on display, but we couldn't find a package of it. Mom said she'd liked another better, but they didn't have enough, so she got this one, remembering I like things plain. She picked perfectly. I love love love them. I know, considering I told her I wanted her to pick them for me only two months before I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was! I really really was. And what a wonderful surprise indeed!
It's a little morbid, but I know I'm not going to have my mom and pa forever. They are getting on in years. And although they may be with me for the next ten years, give or take, I (hopefully) will be around a lot longer... And the idea of having something so lovely, that I will use every day, to remind me of her is just a wonderful thought. So she'll never be 100% gone. I'm a physical person.. having a physical something that says 'mom loves me' around, is worth its weight in gold, as they say.
So yeah, Christmas was great! And I'm hoping NYE will be equally as fun.
I 'helped' my mom make donuts. She does the actual making, and once they are fried, I shook them in the cinnamon and sugar combo to coat them -- that's always been my job since I was little. It is a help though, it means mom doesn't have to stop frying to coat them, cause if you let them cool too much then the sugar just doesn't stick to the donuts.
Last year I had a terrible cold the week before Christmas, so I only saw my parents Christmas eve, and part of Christmas day. I felt cheated. I barely got any rappie pie and not one single donut. When I realised after Christmas that I'd missed out on my mom's donuts completely I literally sobbed my dismay to Chris. He totally didn't get it. But mom only makes donuts at Christmas. And they are fantastic! They're a 'tea time' donut, meant to be eaten the day they are made. The nutmeg in them is what makes them delicious, well that and the cinnamon and sugar coating on the outside. They are kinda like Tim Horton's Old Fashioned Plain donut, only with a coating. Though Timmie's has nothing on my mom's donuts.
So yeah, this year I got my fill of donuts. Or at least I had enough to satisfy my craving. I also got to have lots and lots of rappie pie. So very good! So very filling. So very strange, really, if you aren't used to it. It's basically meat and potatoes. But it's about as close to shepard's pie as Quittach is to soccer. lol.
I really enjoyed Christmas this year. We didn't have to rush, and everyone pitched in to help my mom with dinner. Chris and I helped with some of the set-up, and my aunts helped with the clean-up, which meant my mom didn't have to do everything herself. I haven't actually had a chance to talk to her since, but I'm hoping Christmas didn't leave her as drained as it did last year. She seemed to be holding up pretty well when we left at 5pm, which was well after our Christmas dinner. Though we call it dinner, it's always a late-ish lunch at about 2pm. That way we eat, we sit and talk, and about the time it's getting dark everyone is about ready to go home. Which works out perfectly for my young cousins who were there and my uncle who is in his 80s. And frankly for mom and Pa who are no longer spring chickens themselves, though I think they do far better than many people their age.
Christmas, for me, is all about family, and getting to spend it with my family and my husband was very very happy making. We even got to spend boxing day with our adopted family of Toronto friends, which was totally awesome!
This New Years Eve we are going to party held by our aforementioned Toronto friends. It's a theme party - tarts and vicars! I'm very much looking forward to it. Thanks to Halloween's past Chris already has his costume, mine is more up in the air. I'm sure I'll come up with something sufficiently tarty. If I had more time/energy/money I would totally be tempted to buy an outrageous wig, and some fake press on nails. lol. But I think I'll have to make do with what's already in my closets. I wish I had my tall boots in Toronto, but we had way too much to carry home Christmas day for me to bring them from Hamilton sadly.
And because I just can't not mention it, my mom gave us the most wonderful Christmas gift!! I know it's not supposed to be about gifts, and it's not, really, it's the thought behind it that has me all gushy. After we got married this last October, I confessed to my mom that even though we said no physical gifts, what I really wanted, was for my mom to buy me nice silverware. I have absolutely no luck in picking out silverware. I've bought some before for work, twice even, and both times they so did not work out. They rusted! They tasted of metallic decay! It was awful! My mom on the other hand has lovely taste in silverware. And I still remember when I was quite young, and one of my cousins was getting married. Mom bought him and his new wife silverware and a lovely wooden case for it. From that moment on, in my head, that was thee most perfect wedding gift. Nothing more was said, time went on, Chris and I last week bought ourselves a set of silverware while at Ikea -- we've wanted something better than what we have for some time, but the wedding came first. Since we were there (IKEA) we thought we'd pick something up that looked good. Thankfully we didn't get around to opening it as Christmas morning we found not one, but three sets of beautiful, simple, elegant silverware under the tree from my mom and pa!! Ironically the silverware mom picked looks almost exactly like the set I picked at Ikea that they didn't have any of. They had it on display, but we couldn't find a package of it. Mom said she'd liked another better, but they didn't have enough, so she got this one, remembering I like things plain. She picked perfectly. I love love love them. I know, considering I told her I wanted her to pick them for me only two months before I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was! I really really was. And what a wonderful surprise indeed!
It's a little morbid, but I know I'm not going to have my mom and pa forever. They are getting on in years. And although they may be with me for the next ten years, give or take, I (hopefully) will be around a lot longer... And the idea of having something so lovely, that I will use every day, to remind me of her is just a wonderful thought. So she'll never be 100% gone. I'm a physical person.. having a physical something that says 'mom loves me' around, is worth its weight in gold, as they say.
So yeah, Christmas was great! And I'm hoping NYE will be equally as fun.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Decision!
Okay, so like, I even asked my facebook peeps for help, and no one bothered to have a look. I feel unloved!!
Anyway, I badgered my husband, and he likes the owls one, since I was leaning that way, I'm going with that. :) Maybe I'll be able to at least swatch this week. I have a lot I want to get done, so we will see.
I'm planning to bake for both my parents and Chris' parents for xmas. So that means lots and lots of cookies in my future! Maybe I should have picked up another set of bowls at Canadian Tire when they had them on sale! *sigh* Though, honestly, I can stop at Honest Ed's like tomorrow or today if I have energy(yes I'm totally dreaming).
Today my goals are to get all the ingredients, which will likely take two trips, and to make it to the bank and get my online banking sorted out. And maybe, maybe check out Dollarama for Christmas tins since I only have ones for Chris' parents.
I wasn't planning on making my parents cookies, until I realised just how bad my mom's eyes are and how busy they are this month between mom's eye appointments and Pa's. They both have cateracts. Mom had surgery on one of her eyes last week. It's still blurry, and she's having a lot of trouble seeing well enough to take pictures, never mind making cookies! So I want to help out, take some of the pressure off of her, ya know? So that's my hope. mmhmm.
As a result, need more pretty tins for gifts! Gods, I really hope I don't go crazy making the... oh, hundreds of cookies I have planned. ha. We shall see!
If I don't forget, I'll try to take some pictures of all the cookies I'm making, and link to recipes as well. :) I'm not good at artful pictures though, just fair warning.
Anyway, I badgered my husband, and he likes the owls one, since I was leaning that way, I'm going with that. :) Maybe I'll be able to at least swatch this week. I have a lot I want to get done, so we will see.
I'm planning to bake for both my parents and Chris' parents for xmas. So that means lots and lots of cookies in my future! Maybe I should have picked up another set of bowls at Canadian Tire when they had them on sale! *sigh* Though, honestly, I can stop at Honest Ed's like tomorrow or today if I have energy(yes I'm totally dreaming).
Today my goals are to get all the ingredients, which will likely take two trips, and to make it to the bank and get my online banking sorted out. And maybe, maybe check out Dollarama for Christmas tins since I only have ones for Chris' parents.
I wasn't planning on making my parents cookies, until I realised just how bad my mom's eyes are and how busy they are this month between mom's eye appointments and Pa's. They both have cateracts. Mom had surgery on one of her eyes last week. It's still blurry, and she's having a lot of trouble seeing well enough to take pictures, never mind making cookies! So I want to help out, take some of the pressure off of her, ya know? So that's my hope. mmhmm.
As a result, need more pretty tins for gifts! Gods, I really hope I don't go crazy making the... oh, hundreds of cookies I have planned. ha. We shall see!
If I don't forget, I'll try to take some pictures of all the cookies I'm making, and link to recipes as well. :) I'm not good at artful pictures though, just fair warning.
Monday, October 11, 2010
We're Married!!!!
We're married! We did it! Yaaaaay!
I don't have any pictures to share because I was too busy getting married to take any! ;)
All my planning and preparations paid off. Everything went so very smoothly! Only two tiny things didn't go as planned:
(1) We didn't end up getting my laptop set up so Neda could skype in. We just didn't have the time. Though oddly enough we were running ahead of schedule all morning until about 9am. But then, that's exactly why I have us extra time! On the plus side Sabrina and Brian were able to record the ceremony with their fancy schamzy new camera, so Neda will get to see it!
(2) The boutoneires I made didn't sit quite right. They were too heavy, in part, and as my Pa pointed out (he is soooo smart!) I put the pins too low, it would have worked better with them higher. How he knew that I don't know. I've got such amazing parents, I do!
And that's it really. Everything else went according to plan, or at least worked out just fine, so yay! And really, as far as what could go wrong, such minor things as did, really aren't a big deal at all. Honestly, I'm thrilled everything went so very smoothly!
The catering manager said this was the easiest wedding she'd done, and I was the nicest, least bridezilla bride she's ever had to deal with!! This makes me very happy indeed! Chris joked about me being bridezilla, but honestly, not so much. I was my bitchiest as I was waiting for Chris to do up my dress, and while he was doing it. Mostly because I felt to dang helpless. Doing up my dress, since it's a corset back was something I could most definitely not do myself. Giving up control bothered me, but mostly being so helpless frustrated me. Having to stand around waiting for someone to dress me was the oddest feeling ever! So helpless, so indebted. I like being able to do for myself damnit. lol.
Everyone loved my dress, was impressed with my flowers, even more so when they learned I did them myself! :D Chris was my cheerleader and helper the whole day through. People kept complimenting the wedding, and the things I made, and Chris would pipe up 'She made that too', and everyone would be even more amazed! Heh. I honestly thought people realised I'd made all the things I did, but they always seemed surprised when Chris told them I did it, so yay! Go me! The crafty bride! Judy, our photographer told Chris that I was the craftiest bride she's ever done a wedding for!! How awesome is that?!
One of my oldest friends, Will, who is the other half of Will and Angie (two of my oldest and dearest friends), who has always been kinda like our big brother, and often 'one of the girls', was just totally amazing for us on our wedding day. He took care of the music, helped up coral people, drove us out to the picture location, stayed and waited to take us back to the hotel. Got me food and water when we arrived back at the hotel - I was just so thirsty, and really sad we didn't get to even try our hors d'ourves. I totally didn't ask, he just came out with a little plate and a glass of water! My hero! Chris said then, he really is like an older brother, and he is. I wouldn't feel right without saying how wonderful he was, he really made things so much easier for us. He totally stepped up, like he always does 'cause that's the kind of man he is, and I love him to bits for being such a wonderful man. :)
Now to the events in the order they occurred...
The ceremony was an amazing blur for me. I remember Carole our officiant reading the part about the teapot that I wrote, and smiling at me. That was awesome. She really seemed to get it, which thrilled me.
The pictures went off without a hitch, we got to use the most amazing backdrop of fall colours! A pond, with changing trees behind, oh it was breathtaking! The pictures of just us were fabulous. It felt like we got a lot done, and honestly, it really felt like we had three hours with Judy, not just the one and a bit we did have, so YAY. I really can't wait to see the pictures!!
Dinner was lovely, just... lovely. The tables looked amazing with all my ornamental gourds against the black table clothes. Everyone seemed to like the hors d'ourves I picked! Except for the spring rolls; they were not what I expected either, but that's okay, there was more than enough food! Dinner itself was great. The buffet worked out really well I think. And the fact that we had extra space was awesome - the two and three year old had lots of room to play and run around.
Thanks to Sabrina, everyone signed my guest book. I got smiles and laughs about my octopus comment (the sign I made said if they didn't sign the guest book, the guest book octopus would get them), and the actual knitted octopuses. The four kids, and their parents seemed very pleased that they each got to take one home! So yay!! My cousin Malcolm, ever the sweetheart, asked me which one was my favourite, and that's the one he picked!
Everyone just loved the cake. I received lots of compliments on how good it looked, how professional. Then they ate it, and were blown away by my chocolate cake! YAY! I cut the chocolate, bottom layer first, so a lot of people didn't get to try the coconut, but that's okay. Even Chris' shy cousin asked, in a kind of awed voice, if I'd made that chocolate cake, and if I made it often! I said yes, it's my go-to chocolate cake. He seemed really surprised and impressed! Woohooo!
The flying pigs, though some loved straight off, most didn't get until I explained - I always said I'd get married when pigs fly... David and Alice have to be some of my most favourite people, they loved the piggies straight off, and didn't need an explanation to make them awesome. :D David even mentioned that when I'd written on facebook that I was knitting octopuses for the wedding he'd thought 'this wedding is going to be awesome'! It really well and truly makes me feel just amazing when people actually get my sense of humour and understand my... aesthetic. So woohoo!
Everyone said there goodbyes after cake - it'd been a long day for everyone, I was totally okay with this timing! And by 4:30 we were in a cab and on our way home. We got to have a nice nap, then Chris made me dinner! We had snuggles and TV in bed. The perfect ending to our day - for us.
I don't have any pictures to share because I was too busy getting married to take any! ;)
All my planning and preparations paid off. Everything went so very smoothly! Only two tiny things didn't go as planned:
(1) We didn't end up getting my laptop set up so Neda could skype in. We just didn't have the time. Though oddly enough we were running ahead of schedule all morning until about 9am. But then, that's exactly why I have us extra time! On the plus side Sabrina and Brian were able to record the ceremony with their fancy schamzy new camera, so Neda will get to see it!
(2) The boutoneires I made didn't sit quite right. They were too heavy, in part, and as my Pa pointed out (he is soooo smart!) I put the pins too low, it would have worked better with them higher. How he knew that I don't know. I've got such amazing parents, I do!
And that's it really. Everything else went according to plan, or at least worked out just fine, so yay! And really, as far as what could go wrong, such minor things as did, really aren't a big deal at all. Honestly, I'm thrilled everything went so very smoothly!
The catering manager said this was the easiest wedding she'd done, and I was the nicest, least bridezilla bride she's ever had to deal with!! This makes me very happy indeed! Chris joked about me being bridezilla, but honestly, not so much. I was my bitchiest as I was waiting for Chris to do up my dress, and while he was doing it. Mostly because I felt to dang helpless. Doing up my dress, since it's a corset back was something I could most definitely not do myself. Giving up control bothered me, but mostly being so helpless frustrated me. Having to stand around waiting for someone to dress me was the oddest feeling ever! So helpless, so indebted. I like being able to do for myself damnit. lol.
Everyone loved my dress, was impressed with my flowers, even more so when they learned I did them myself! :D Chris was my cheerleader and helper the whole day through. People kept complimenting the wedding, and the things I made, and Chris would pipe up 'She made that too', and everyone would be even more amazed! Heh. I honestly thought people realised I'd made all the things I did, but they always seemed surprised when Chris told them I did it, so yay! Go me! The crafty bride! Judy, our photographer told Chris that I was the craftiest bride she's ever done a wedding for!! How awesome is that?!
One of my oldest friends, Will, who is the other half of Will and Angie (two of my oldest and dearest friends), who has always been kinda like our big brother, and often 'one of the girls', was just totally amazing for us on our wedding day. He took care of the music, helped up coral people, drove us out to the picture location, stayed and waited to take us back to the hotel. Got me food and water when we arrived back at the hotel - I was just so thirsty, and really sad we didn't get to even try our hors d'ourves. I totally didn't ask, he just came out with a little plate and a glass of water! My hero! Chris said then, he really is like an older brother, and he is. I wouldn't feel right without saying how wonderful he was, he really made things so much easier for us. He totally stepped up, like he always does 'cause that's the kind of man he is, and I love him to bits for being such a wonderful man. :)
Now to the events in the order they occurred...
The ceremony was an amazing blur for me. I remember Carole our officiant reading the part about the teapot that I wrote, and smiling at me. That was awesome. She really seemed to get it, which thrilled me.
The pictures went off without a hitch, we got to use the most amazing backdrop of fall colours! A pond, with changing trees behind, oh it was breathtaking! The pictures of just us were fabulous. It felt like we got a lot done, and honestly, it really felt like we had three hours with Judy, not just the one and a bit we did have, so YAY. I really can't wait to see the pictures!!
Dinner was lovely, just... lovely. The tables looked amazing with all my ornamental gourds against the black table clothes. Everyone seemed to like the hors d'ourves I picked! Except for the spring rolls; they were not what I expected either, but that's okay, there was more than enough food! Dinner itself was great. The buffet worked out really well I think. And the fact that we had extra space was awesome - the two and three year old had lots of room to play and run around.
Thanks to Sabrina, everyone signed my guest book. I got smiles and laughs about my octopus comment (the sign I made said if they didn't sign the guest book, the guest book octopus would get them), and the actual knitted octopuses. The four kids, and their parents seemed very pleased that they each got to take one home! So yay!! My cousin Malcolm, ever the sweetheart, asked me which one was my favourite, and that's the one he picked!
Everyone just loved the cake. I received lots of compliments on how good it looked, how professional. Then they ate it, and were blown away by my chocolate cake! YAY! I cut the chocolate, bottom layer first, so a lot of people didn't get to try the coconut, but that's okay. Even Chris' shy cousin asked, in a kind of awed voice, if I'd made that chocolate cake, and if I made it often! I said yes, it's my go-to chocolate cake. He seemed really surprised and impressed! Woohooo!
The flying pigs, though some loved straight off, most didn't get until I explained - I always said I'd get married when pigs fly... David and Alice have to be some of my most favourite people, they loved the piggies straight off, and didn't need an explanation to make them awesome. :D David even mentioned that when I'd written on facebook that I was knitting octopuses for the wedding he'd thought 'this wedding is going to be awesome'! It really well and truly makes me feel just amazing when people actually get my sense of humour and understand my... aesthetic. So woohoo!
Everyone said there goodbyes after cake - it'd been a long day for everyone, I was totally okay with this timing! And by 4:30 we were in a cab and on our way home. We got to have a nice nap, then Chris made me dinner! We had snuggles and TV in bed. The perfect ending to our day - for us.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Taking His Name...Is FREAKING ME OUT!
Okay, so... When FH first proposed I asked if I could take his name and he said no. I was a little hurt, I let it go, however, a first for me really. Later I asked him why the idea of me taking his name bothered him. He said he was raised not to expect anyone would take his name... I think it freaked him out too because it made it more 'real'. Eventually I got him to agree to it - I said I wanted to, that I wanted us to be one family and that meant one name.
Now I'm the one freaking out. Big time.
I went to get our marriage license yesterday, and it comes with a info sheet about your options for name change. Apparently if I legally change my name in Ontario, because I was born here, they will re-issue my birth certificate with my new name! My old name would be in brackets beside it, but still!! OMG!
My heart is still in my throat, where it's been since reading that.
I feel like that is a step too far! I want to be Mrs. Awesome, but I don't want to erase Ms.WickedCool to do it! Ya know??
*sigh*
Now I don't know what to do.
I... I may not always like who I am, I know I haven't always liked me, but, I'm still me, I still have a vested interest in me. I'm cool with being Mrs.Awesome from this point forward, but I never thought the gov't would go back and change who I was. That's what it feels like for me. I don't know why I'm personalizing it so but I am.
I'm proud of my last name. It's where I came from. My grandparents took me in when my father basically abandoned me. They didn't have to, but they did. My name is tied to them. And I feel like having their name is tied to my loyalty, my gratitude for them being my parents. I don't want to change my freaking birth certificate!
Logically, a name change doesn't change who I am - a rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet. But it freaks me right the hell out! There is connotation in names, and I don't want for one second for my parents to think I don't love them, that I don't love being their daughter, that I'm not proud of them, and all they've accomplished, and grateful for all they've done and continue to do for me.
So what do I do? Bah. I'm the one that convinced my FH that I wanted to take his name. And I still do. I just... Fuck, why does the gov't have to fuck with my BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!
I wonder if I can apply for a name change with another branch of gov't so they will leave my birth certificate the fuck alone. I suppose I could just keep my old one and cut the new one up into little pieces?? I won't give it to them, that much I will refuse.
UPDATE!
Okay! So finding more information, yay useful gov't sites! I'm going to "assume" FH's name. That info sheet did not represent it well!
I can get my health card, driver's license(if I had one!), Passport(!), bank account's, credit cards, all in my "assumed" name by showing them my marriage certificate(when I get it of course). Wee! This is just want I wanted, and I still get to be me, Ms. Hazelton, legally, while also being Mrs. Wood for all intents and purposes! Best solution ever!
Now I'm the one freaking out. Big time.
I went to get our marriage license yesterday, and it comes with a info sheet about your options for name change. Apparently if I legally change my name in Ontario, because I was born here, they will re-issue my birth certificate with my new name! My old name would be in brackets beside it, but still!! OMG!
My heart is still in my throat, where it's been since reading that.
I feel like that is a step too far! I want to be Mrs. Awesome, but I don't want to erase Ms.WickedCool to do it! Ya know??
*sigh*
Now I don't know what to do.
I... I may not always like who I am, I know I haven't always liked me, but, I'm still me, I still have a vested interest in me. I'm cool with being Mrs.Awesome from this point forward, but I never thought the gov't would go back and change who I was. That's what it feels like for me. I don't know why I'm personalizing it so but I am.
I'm proud of my last name. It's where I came from. My grandparents took me in when my father basically abandoned me. They didn't have to, but they did. My name is tied to them. And I feel like having their name is tied to my loyalty, my gratitude for them being my parents. I don't want to change my freaking birth certificate!
Logically, a name change doesn't change who I am - a rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet. But it freaks me right the hell out! There is connotation in names, and I don't want for one second for my parents to think I don't love them, that I don't love being their daughter, that I'm not proud of them, and all they've accomplished, and grateful for all they've done and continue to do for me.
So what do I do? Bah. I'm the one that convinced my FH that I wanted to take his name. And I still do. I just... Fuck, why does the gov't have to fuck with my BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!
I wonder if I can apply for a name change with another branch of gov't so they will leave my birth certificate the fuck alone. I suppose I could just keep my old one and cut the new one up into little pieces?? I won't give it to them, that much I will refuse.
UPDATE!
Okay! So finding more information, yay useful gov't sites! I'm going to "assume" FH's name. That info sheet did not represent it well!
I can get my health card, driver's license(if I had one!), Passport(!), bank account's, credit cards, all in my "assumed" name by showing them my marriage certificate(when I get it of course). Wee! This is just want I wanted, and I still get to be me, Ms. Hazelton, legally, while also being Mrs. Wood for all intents and purposes! Best solution ever!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Worry Update
My Pa is out of the hospital! Yay!! Mom just called to tell me he's home and feeling pretty good. Such a relief! I've been worried. More worried than I wanted to let on I think, even to myself! ha. Grumpy me broke out in a smile when I heard the good news!
And, he's definitely going to be able to drive me to my dress appointment on Monday since he has to take himself to the doctor's then too. Yay! And we know they wouldn't be asking him to drive if they, they being the doctors, didn't think he'd be perfectly fine to do it. Woohoo!
Two pieces of very good news that have taken my worry down a couple notches.
And, he's definitely going to be able to drive me to my dress appointment on Monday since he has to take himself to the doctor's then too. Yay! And we know they wouldn't be asking him to drive if they, they being the doctors, didn't think he'd be perfectly fine to do it. Woohoo!
Two pieces of very good news that have taken my worry down a couple notches.
Stressed out, grumpy woman
My grandpa's in the hospital with pneumonia. He's in a ward now, which makes me wonder if my Mom just didn't want to tell me he was in the ICU and left that out. o.0 He's teasing the nurses, and eating lots, as of yesterday, so I know he's getting better. I'm not too too worried, or I would be at home in Hamilton. Still...worried. Omg.
Also on a selfish note, I have a dress appointment next Monday, and with Pa not well, even if he's home by then, he'll be in no position to drive me, so I have no way out there. I'm going to call my Mom later today, as she's at the hospital visiting Pa right now, as far as I know anyway, to ask if she has any bright ideas on the subject. I'm kinda thinking my uncle Bob might take us, if they aren't on vacation themselves then... as I know they go away for a week in August... *sigh* Or maybe my Dad as he's been taking Mom (Mom being his mom too) places. Very unusual that. I don't know as I've ever known him to be helpful in his whole life. No, seriously, he was never helpful to my parents, his parents, when I was younger. They raised me all on their own, never penny or any other kind of help did they see from him. Do I sound bitter? I am. For their sake. My loyalty is all for them, and I feel like he's taken advantage of their goodness and independence.
Anyway! I have no way out there. It's in Waterdown you see. Like a 25-30 minute drive from my parents. I suppose we could take a cab, I'm just worried about how much that would cost. =/ Maybe I should postpone the dress fitting until I can actually get a ride....though I don't even know when that will be. =/
And how do I get the damn dress home to Toronto? No really. I just thought of that. How do I get it here in good shape, in I can wear this down the isle shape?? Do I take it on the train?? Cause there ain't no where to hang a dress on the bus...there isn't on the train either, but there is at least more room. I could maybe sit it on the seat beside me, kinda hanging over it? I don't drive. My Pa won't drive in Toronto...most of my family would rather not or simply won't, in fact. I don't know of anyone I could ask. And I hate asking to begin with. So what do I do? Do I just get it steamed once I get home??? And who the hell do I trust with my dress??? Gee, can you tell I'm stressing? ha.
I'm also grumpy because I'm frustrated and disappointed that we can't do our engagement photos on the day we'd agreed. Chris came home a few days ago to tell me the day he previously agreed to, and specifically requested, was now during is 'on call' week, and he couldn't do it. We could have picked a day the week before, but nooo, he wanted the 27th. I honestly wonder if it did that knowing full well it would end up his 'on call' week, so he could get out of doing them. He hates having his picture taken. Almost all the pictures I have of him, where he knows I'm taking the picture, are of him scowling at me. Bah. I'm just so damn frustrated.
And now that it's wedding season, and it's in full swing our photographer basically has no time for us. Expect possibly like one day two weeks before our wedding. Bah! Oh well. It's not like I wanted the engagement photos for like... something at the wedding... I just thought.. it'd be nice to have casual pictures of us, and that our parents would appreciate them more than us in our wedding clothes. I know I'd like to have casual pictures of us, even if I am the size of a house...
I want to be all 'whatever, it doesn't matter', but it does matter, damnit. And I was really looking forward to doing them. Now I'm all disappointed and grumpy and really worried they just aren't going to happen. And angry. I'm angry damnit. And I don't want to be angry at Chris, it's not really his fault. But, at the same time it is. He picked the day damnit. She had time the week before, but nooo, he wanted the 27th. He didn't have his on-call schedule for then at the time, so he didn't know for sure if it would be his week, but at the same time, the schedule is like freaking clockwork, and he could have just extrapolated from what he knew and guessed. But he didn't bother to do that. I'm sure it will be fine he said. Well it wasn't fine. It wasn't anywhere close to fine. And he didn't even bother to see if someone would be willing to cover for him so he could take half the day. Nooo. Because he only every takes time for people, he never expects them to return the favour. *Growl*
And if I have it right, there is exactly 4 weeks of no on call time, and then it's his week again, which puts his next week as exactly the week of the wedding. Who wants to bet instead of taking the time off, he gets someone to cover him exactly the time of the wedding and nothing else?? I'd say it's a fair bet. So I'll get to do all the last minute running around, and shit all by myself. I'll then get to spend the week after the wedding, when I hopped we could have some time together, alone. He said he'd take time off, but he hasn't mentioned asking for it off yet... I don't think he has. And when he finds out it's his on call week, he won't take it off. He never does. He always plans everything around that week, like it's fucking sacred.
Maybe I'm being completely unfair because I'm stressed about everything else, and nothing seems to be going my way, so why should this? But at the same time...... He works so damn hard.... He really does treat his 'on call' week like it's a sacred duty and they'd fire him if he ever asked to change it/have someone cover for him for a day even. I don't think he values himself at all. Like he can't ask or something... Which is ridiculous. He's covered for lots of his co-workers, they should bloody well be willing to return the damn favour.
I've been telling him for a year now that he is not working our fucking wedding; that I want him available to help me on the Friday and Saturday, because I don't know what I'm going to need, and me with fibro, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it all alone. *Sigh* But I know him. If he's on call that week, he won't help me, he won't take time off, other than the wedding day itself. And I'll be left to do it all myself, or just not have it done.
Here's where I wish I had friends I could count on. But Sabrina works full time and has three kids. She's also totally unwilling to even think of coming to Toronto, so she's no help. And Angie.... well, we weren't ever that close really, and besides, I know she always works weekends. They both blame me for not making an effort to stay in touch - I got the lecture from Sabrina over the weekend. Meanwhile it's been years since Angie actually invited me to her home or called or tried to get together with me. Sabrina always says I should come down to Hamilton and spend time with her, but she's totally unwilling to come to Toronto to see me. She does that vague thing 'we should get together', but that's it. She's works full time; she has three kids; she's busy. I'm not going to assume she can drop everything, but she never tells me when's a good time. And why is the gods damn onus all on me?! Why don't they share any of the responsibility?! It's totally unfair. And it makes me so angry. Why is it all my fault??? It's not damnit.
Anyway, back to my wedding prep help issue... I don't... I have friends in Toronto, but none so close that I invited them to my wedding, and I'd feel like a real ass asking for their help. Hell, even if they were coming, I'd still feel like an ass. I don't feel like I have any business asking them.... We aren't that close. And I'm terrible about asking for help. I hate it. Besides, I know the days before the wedding I'm going to be all stressed out, and not good company, and then asking for them to help me lug things.... No, I couldn't do it.
*sigh* Perhaps I won't need the help. I mean, it's not like I'll have a lot to do. I'm hoping to have everything but the cake and flowers done well before the week of the wedding. The cakes can be baked and frozen over the week before, and I can frost it in pieces on the Friday I think. Then I'll have Saturday to get flowers and make my bouquet and the buttonholes. Since those are the only flowers it shouldn't be too much for just me. I've already asked my semi-pro cake making friend if she'd make our cake toppers. I'm pretty sure I can do the rest myself... or you know, in a pinch I'll leave it plain and it will be fine.... assuming I can find cake pans. fuck my luck. I still don't know where to even find square pans.
Stressing! Everything is stressing me out. It will be fine. I'm sure it will be fine. Even if Chris decided to work the whole week, it will be fine. I didn't want a honeymoon anyway. I kept saying I didn't so if I don't get one, well, that's just what I asked for. And it's my own damn fault if I regret it. As for the engagement pictures....I'm as fat as a house. I hate how I look. I can't look at myself without disgust. This is not a time in my life I particularly want immortalized anyway. So if it doesn't happen, oh well. I honestly don't think I'll miss them.
It doesn't help that I feel tired and sore and bone weary all the time. It's so fucking draining. I don't want to do anything most of the time...except sleep. It's really hard to get the motivation to do anything when you're so damn tired, and riddled with pain. And nauseous. Lets not forget the nausea. I don't know how other people do it. I know others with chronic pain/illness and they are all better woman than I. They all seem to have drive and determination, and they just keep going. I honestly don't know how they do it. I can't. I just can't. I don't have it in me anymore.
Also on a selfish note, I have a dress appointment next Monday, and with Pa not well, even if he's home by then, he'll be in no position to drive me, so I have no way out there. I'm going to call my Mom later today, as she's at the hospital visiting Pa right now, as far as I know anyway, to ask if she has any bright ideas on the subject. I'm kinda thinking my uncle Bob might take us, if they aren't on vacation themselves then... as I know they go away for a week in August... *sigh* Or maybe my Dad as he's been taking Mom (Mom being his mom too) places. Very unusual that. I don't know as I've ever known him to be helpful in his whole life. No, seriously, he was never helpful to my parents, his parents, when I was younger. They raised me all on their own, never penny or any other kind of help did they see from him. Do I sound bitter? I am. For their sake. My loyalty is all for them, and I feel like he's taken advantage of their goodness and independence.
Anyway! I have no way out there. It's in Waterdown you see. Like a 25-30 minute drive from my parents. I suppose we could take a cab, I'm just worried about how much that would cost. =/ Maybe I should postpone the dress fitting until I can actually get a ride....though I don't even know when that will be. =/
And how do I get the damn dress home to Toronto? No really. I just thought of that. How do I get it here in good shape, in I can wear this down the isle shape?? Do I take it on the train?? Cause there ain't no where to hang a dress on the bus...there isn't on the train either, but there is at least more room. I could maybe sit it on the seat beside me, kinda hanging over it? I don't drive. My Pa won't drive in Toronto...most of my family would rather not or simply won't, in fact. I don't know of anyone I could ask. And I hate asking to begin with. So what do I do? Do I just get it steamed once I get home??? And who the hell do I trust with my dress??? Gee, can you tell I'm stressing? ha.
I'm also grumpy because I'm frustrated and disappointed that we can't do our engagement photos on the day we'd agreed. Chris came home a few days ago to tell me the day he previously agreed to, and specifically requested, was now during is 'on call' week, and he couldn't do it. We could have picked a day the week before, but nooo, he wanted the 27th. I honestly wonder if it did that knowing full well it would end up his 'on call' week, so he could get out of doing them. He hates having his picture taken. Almost all the pictures I have of him, where he knows I'm taking the picture, are of him scowling at me. Bah. I'm just so damn frustrated.
And now that it's wedding season, and it's in full swing our photographer basically has no time for us. Expect possibly like one day two weeks before our wedding. Bah! Oh well. It's not like I wanted the engagement photos for like... something at the wedding... I just thought.. it'd be nice to have casual pictures of us, and that our parents would appreciate them more than us in our wedding clothes. I know I'd like to have casual pictures of us, even if I am the size of a house...
I want to be all 'whatever, it doesn't matter', but it does matter, damnit. And I was really looking forward to doing them. Now I'm all disappointed and grumpy and really worried they just aren't going to happen. And angry. I'm angry damnit. And I don't want to be angry at Chris, it's not really his fault. But, at the same time it is. He picked the day damnit. She had time the week before, but nooo, he wanted the 27th. He didn't have his on-call schedule for then at the time, so he didn't know for sure if it would be his week, but at the same time, the schedule is like freaking clockwork, and he could have just extrapolated from what he knew and guessed. But he didn't bother to do that. I'm sure it will be fine he said. Well it wasn't fine. It wasn't anywhere close to fine. And he didn't even bother to see if someone would be willing to cover for him so he could take half the day. Nooo. Because he only every takes time for people, he never expects them to return the favour. *Growl*
And if I have it right, there is exactly 4 weeks of no on call time, and then it's his week again, which puts his next week as exactly the week of the wedding. Who wants to bet instead of taking the time off, he gets someone to cover him exactly the time of the wedding and nothing else?? I'd say it's a fair bet. So I'll get to do all the last minute running around, and shit all by myself. I'll then get to spend the week after the wedding, when I hopped we could have some time together, alone. He said he'd take time off, but he hasn't mentioned asking for it off yet... I don't think he has. And when he finds out it's his on call week, he won't take it off. He never does. He always plans everything around that week, like it's fucking sacred.
Maybe I'm being completely unfair because I'm stressed about everything else, and nothing seems to be going my way, so why should this? But at the same time...... He works so damn hard.... He really does treat his 'on call' week like it's a sacred duty and they'd fire him if he ever asked to change it/have someone cover for him for a day even. I don't think he values himself at all. Like he can't ask or something... Which is ridiculous. He's covered for lots of his co-workers, they should bloody well be willing to return the damn favour.
I've been telling him for a year now that he is not working our fucking wedding; that I want him available to help me on the Friday and Saturday, because I don't know what I'm going to need, and me with fibro, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it all alone. *Sigh* But I know him. If he's on call that week, he won't help me, he won't take time off, other than the wedding day itself. And I'll be left to do it all myself, or just not have it done.
Here's where I wish I had friends I could count on. But Sabrina works full time and has three kids. She's also totally unwilling to even think of coming to Toronto, so she's no help. And Angie.... well, we weren't ever that close really, and besides, I know she always works weekends. They both blame me for not making an effort to stay in touch - I got the lecture from Sabrina over the weekend. Meanwhile it's been years since Angie actually invited me to her home or called or tried to get together with me. Sabrina always says I should come down to Hamilton and spend time with her, but she's totally unwilling to come to Toronto to see me. She does that vague thing 'we should get together', but that's it. She's works full time; she has three kids; she's busy. I'm not going to assume she can drop everything, but she never tells me when's a good time. And why is the gods damn onus all on me?! Why don't they share any of the responsibility?! It's totally unfair. And it makes me so angry. Why is it all my fault??? It's not damnit.
Anyway, back to my wedding prep help issue... I don't... I have friends in Toronto, but none so close that I invited them to my wedding, and I'd feel like a real ass asking for their help. Hell, even if they were coming, I'd still feel like an ass. I don't feel like I have any business asking them.... We aren't that close. And I'm terrible about asking for help. I hate it. Besides, I know the days before the wedding I'm going to be all stressed out, and not good company, and then asking for them to help me lug things.... No, I couldn't do it.
*sigh* Perhaps I won't need the help. I mean, it's not like I'll have a lot to do. I'm hoping to have everything but the cake and flowers done well before the week of the wedding. The cakes can be baked and frozen over the week before, and I can frost it in pieces on the Friday I think. Then I'll have Saturday to get flowers and make my bouquet and the buttonholes. Since those are the only flowers it shouldn't be too much for just me. I've already asked my semi-pro cake making friend if she'd make our cake toppers. I'm pretty sure I can do the rest myself... or you know, in a pinch I'll leave it plain and it will be fine.... assuming I can find cake pans. fuck my luck. I still don't know where to even find square pans.
Stressing! Everything is stressing me out. It will be fine. I'm sure it will be fine. Even if Chris decided to work the whole week, it will be fine. I didn't want a honeymoon anyway. I kept saying I didn't so if I don't get one, well, that's just what I asked for. And it's my own damn fault if I regret it. As for the engagement pictures....I'm as fat as a house. I hate how I look. I can't look at myself without disgust. This is not a time in my life I particularly want immortalized anyway. So if it doesn't happen, oh well. I honestly don't think I'll miss them.
It doesn't help that I feel tired and sore and bone weary all the time. It's so fucking draining. I don't want to do anything most of the time...except sleep. It's really hard to get the motivation to do anything when you're so damn tired, and riddled with pain. And nauseous. Lets not forget the nausea. I don't know how other people do it. I know others with chronic pain/illness and they are all better woman than I. They all seem to have drive and determination, and they just keep going. I honestly don't know how they do it. I can't. I just can't. I don't have it in me anymore.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Good News, Bad News
I had a pretty good weekend. Chris and I went with his parents to Humber Arboretum to take a look around. We are hoping to do wedding pictures there, but I'd never seen it, so we wanted to check it out. It's beautiful. There are so many wonderful spots for pictures. So many lovely plants. I'm terribly excited. I really hope it doesn't rain! I want pictures there. Chris suggested I come back much closer to the wedding to scout it out again - to see how it's changed. I'm totally up for that. I really like the place. Heck, it has a sort of forest in the back with paths, I would love to just go walking in there. So pretty and green!
I really want/wanted fall colours for my wedding, but I don't think that's going to happen in Southern Ontario in the beginning of October. Perhaps if the wedding was in the beginning of November...but we wanted 10.10.10, so oh well. I'm happy with my date. If everything is still green, the pictures will look lovely for it as well. :)
So that was the good news.... Now to the bad news. I called my mom today to see how she and Pa are doing, and to ask about fasting for a cholesterol test, as I know she's done it. She reluctantly told me that Pa is in the hospital with pneumonia! She called an ambulance for him Friday, and he's been in there since. o.0 She's seen him every day, and yesterday he was feeling a lot better, was eating like he's starved, and wants to come home - all good signs. I'm not too terribly worried. If he's eating like she said, he can't be that sick. My Pa can eat, the only time he can't eat is when he's really sick. So yeah, he's on the road to recovery, yay! B
What I can't wrap my brain around is that mom didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to worry!! o.0 Of course I'm going to worry! And I told her so! They're my parents! I love them! Of course I worry about them. She laughed when I told her. I think it was my tone. But like, she specifically didn't tell me cause she didn't want to worry me. I swear, that woman is going to give me a facial tick!
I still haven't gotten the pictures off my camera from the Arboretum. We had a really busy weekend, at least it felt busy. I need to charge my battery first I think, since it was flashing empty when we were there. But I'll post some of the pictures cause the place is just lovely!
I really want/wanted fall colours for my wedding, but I don't think that's going to happen in Southern Ontario in the beginning of October. Perhaps if the wedding was in the beginning of November...but we wanted 10.10.10, so oh well. I'm happy with my date. If everything is still green, the pictures will look lovely for it as well. :)
So that was the good news.... Now to the bad news. I called my mom today to see how she and Pa are doing, and to ask about fasting for a cholesterol test, as I know she's done it. She reluctantly told me that Pa is in the hospital with pneumonia! She called an ambulance for him Friday, and he's been in there since. o.0 She's seen him every day, and yesterday he was feeling a lot better, was eating like he's starved, and wants to come home - all good signs. I'm not too terribly worried. If he's eating like she said, he can't be that sick. My Pa can eat, the only time he can't eat is when he's really sick. So yeah, he's on the road to recovery, yay! B
What I can't wrap my brain around is that mom didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to worry!! o.0 Of course I'm going to worry! And I told her so! They're my parents! I love them! Of course I worry about them. She laughed when I told her. I think it was my tone. But like, she specifically didn't tell me cause she didn't want to worry me. I swear, that woman is going to give me a facial tick!
I still haven't gotten the pictures off my camera from the Arboretum. We had a really busy weekend, at least it felt busy. I need to charge my battery first I think, since it was flashing empty when we were there. But I'll post some of the pictures cause the place is just lovely!
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