Friday, February 18, 2011

Chronic Pain

I feel like the chronic pain I suffer from is eating my soul. I hurt. I hurt everywhere. All day long, every day. Every night. I'm exhausted all the time. It's exhausting being in this much pain. It's hard to sleep, to really rest when you hurt all over.

My whole body just aches. Maybe it's atrophy? Maybe my muscles are dying?? I don't know. All I know is I can't find the energy or motivation to go anywhere or do anything. I just want to be unconscious, away from the pain. Even when I sleep I dream of being in pain. My pain invades. I'm never free of it.

There is no wondering why people with chronic pain are often depressed. You'd be depressed too if you hurt all the time, no matter what you did or didn't do. You'd be depressed if you could no longer do all the things you used to, if even little things like getting out of bed, taking a shower, and getting dressed now became hard won victories. You'd be depressed if you could no longer identify with your friends because the pain has reshaped your world into something even you don't recognize.

Of course I'm depressed. But mostly I'm frustrated and sick. I'm just too sick to care about much of anything. I hurt so bad I want to scream. On top of that every time I eat something I feel like I need to vomit for at least 2 hours afterwards. WTH?! I'm shaky and weak.... I sound like a fucking chipmunk.... I think my new dose/meds are fucking with me. =/

The straw has broke the camel's back. The camel is now laying on the desert flailing and being slowly covered in sand.

Fria help me, I don't know what to do with myself.

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