Friday, July 23, 2010


Ive had a constant headache for about a week now, just over. It's really wearing down my tiny reserve of.....fight - the ability to endure pain, and keep going. I haven't kept going at all. I spend a great deal of time sleeping, and yet I'm always tired. I do the bare minimum, and some days not even that.

It's been awhile since I've been in such constant scream-inducing pain. I'm not taking it well at all. I know part of it is the weather, it's been so unsettled lately. Part of it is the pony tails. It's been so damn hot and humid, I've been wearing my hair back, it's cooler and gets my damn hair off my skin. Makes me crazy to have my hair sticking to me. But my stupid head is soooooo sensitive that almost as soon as I put the pony tail in I get a headache. Part of it too, is my inactivity/weight. I know from experience, at least the last time I was this size, I had headaches constantly. Even when I started being more active it literally took months and much weight loss, for them to get any better at all.

I know that if I work out, and do it every day that I'll eventually loose weight, and eventually the headaches will become less and less. But that's a hell of a lot easier said than done!! It's hard enough for a relatively healthy person, it feels totally impossible for me. I live with chronic debilitating pain, not just severe headaches, but body aches and pains that never really leave, nausea that makes me terrified to move lest I vomit, and the depression that comes with this kind of living. I don't know how to fight all of that. I mean, for me, it's it's not one thing it's another.

I didn't go anywhere yesterday because I was terrified my right knee was going to give out on me again, as it kept doing the night before. It still doesn't feel right when I stand on it. It truly scares me, what if I go somewhere, and can't get home? What if I randomly fall over screaming while walking down the street?? Cause that's the level of pain I'm talking about. I couldn't stop myself from screaming when it gave out. I was trying not to worry Chris, but I couldn't help myself, there was no thought, there was only the wrenching, searing pain.

Before this, I was all sore and yeasty. Women will understand, men will not. When you're yeasty, it hurts, when you walk, your vulva move, and holy fuck does it hurt. I was not in any mood to be causing myself more pain, thank you very much.

And the reason I was all yeasty was I was dealing with a UTI that had me bent in double with abdominal pains. Yeah. Not fun. It took days to get any where near better.

And before that it was a sinus infection. A sinus infection I lived with for nine weeks because I didn't want to deal with the month of yeast I knew was coming with the antibiotics. And it ended up being six fucking weeks of yeast. Grr. Yeah. Not cool. I really hate antibiotics.

I just.. I don't have any fight left in me. I don't. It's all gone. Used up. There's nothing left but the pain. It's won. I have no gumption left to fight it. I just want to curl up in a ball and scream.

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