Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Fibro: Fizz, Fizz, Fizz

After seeing my doctor about the....unbearable levels of pain I've been living with, he gave me a new (to me) drug to try: Lyrica. Lyrica is pretty huge in the Fibro world as it's a neuropathic pain management drug, and that's pretty much what's fucked up in our(aka fibro sufferers) brains. I take it twice a day, in 75mg doses. The only side effect so far is that it won't fucking let me sleep!

I'm hoping it will settle down in a few days, and it will let me sleep again. If it doesn't, I'm going to have to stop taking it. When I don't sleep, my body doesn't rest, doesn't heal, so I just get more and more sore, to the point that I'm curled up on the bed crying pitifully. I know, this is what happened when I tried to up my dose of cymbalta. It wouldn't let me sleep either. And we fibro sufferers need a lot of sleep.

Sleep is one of the few natural defenses the body has against chronic pain. Makes sense if you think about it: when you are in pain all the freaking time it takes a shit load of energy just to exist, just to endure the pain. If you don't sleep, then your body has less and less ability to endure, and everything hurts more. The pain will travel, it will multiply. Pain that would otherwise be bearable, overwhelms you, and brings you to your knees. Sleep is a break that your body and your psyche need to combat the pain. Without it, both are unarmed in the battle of chronic pain. And trust me on this one, it's a battle all right. A battle you fight every moment of every day.

I so want the Lyrica to work. I want it to not fuck with me. I need something to help me. The pain is not manageable most of the time. January and February sucked dish water: I was stuck in the apartment, and often, truthfully, bed-ridden with the pain and nausea. I don't want to live like that! March has been better, but I still spend at least 2 days a week in bed because I can't handle the pain. The other days I'm pushing myself to do simple things like get groceries, make a soup, go to the gym. Usually I can only do one of those a day. Once I've done it, I'm so tired my body is shutting down and I need to nap. It's rather pathetic. But at least I'm getting stuff done. At least I'm being useful, even if I do have very limited energy.

Every time I do something that takes a lot of energy, I think of it as 'kicking fibro's ass'. Getting groceries is no small task: carrying 40 lbs of groceries home on my back is no small task! Spending hours standing chopping veggies, and watching a soup takes a good bit of energy, damnit. Going the the gym...I spend 2 hours there usually, you know, it's more than I'm used to, and although it does make me feel good to go, and my brain wants to do more stuff when I leave, my body is usually so drained that I need a nap. If I don't nap, I'll get a fever, start shivering, become horribly nauseous, and get very very weak, it's bad news. So yeah, for me, doing these things, being able to do them, is fighting. I'm kicking fibro's ass by I'm living my life. It's my way of saying, fuck you fibro, I can do this. I really want to be able to say that more. I so so hope Lyrica will help. Please gods, let it help.

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