Almost since I lost my job in January the plan has been to go to South Korea with Neda and teach English. This was her plan for when she graduated University that spring, only she was going to hold off until fall so she could spend her summer kayaking. It was everything I needed, a change, an escape, a challenge, something so totally out of my experience that I knew if I could do that, I could do anything. It would give me time to think about what it was that I really wanted to do - most contracts were a year after all. The experience would also give me the all important confidence in myself that so desperately lacked and wanted in that moment (and still do though no so desperately).
Summer soon passed, and then it was fall, we still hadn't gotten all our ducks in a row. Here it is December and we are still really no closer to being ready. In the meantime my Unemployment Insurance has run out, and I had to frantically search for some kind of work. Today is the first day of said new job. Retail. My first time. I'm a little nervous, though I think I will do fine. I'm pretty good with people and such I think, others keep telling me I am anyway!
But point: The more time that passes, the more I love my man, the more I realise I don't want to be away from him, and the more I look forward to not the journey, but the end result of the journey that was so enticing to me. It was in fact the end result that was most enticing to me. Being confident enough to think, no, to know I could do anything, and using that to find a good job. Find a job I could like, that would challenge me, in the GTA, downtown preferably, so I could move to Toronto, and start a life for myself. Hopefully with Christopher still wanting to see me, but even if he didn't I still wanted to work and move there. I rather like Toronto, or at least parts of it. The area Chris lives in is really nice, it's someplace I could see myself happily living in.
The more this mulled around in the back of my head, the more I looked forward to it, the more I wanted it. Never being the most patient person, I started feeling that I didn't want to wait a year for this to happen. Why did I have to wait a year really? Why couldn't I do this now? Click. Why couldn't I do this now??
Until very recently I wasn't sure if I could. Although I didn't get the job with Upper James Toyota that first interview taught me something very valuable: I could do it. I could do that job really well, I could do just about any job really well. I'm smart, a lot smarter than a lot of people actually. I'm personable, friendly, determined, and a damn good worker. I could be professional, I could be confident, or at least fake the hell out of it. It was actually possible. I could do this, now.
Another thing I've learned recently, very recently, was just how much my emotional health depends on being able to spend time with my man. When I got my work schedule for the first week, and I realised she had me working every other day, and that this would likely be a pattern, my brain melted, screamed at me, "no no no!". If even the though of spending a month away from him made me feel this way, albeit, a rather 'special' month, being Christmas and all, how was I going to feel spending a year away, possibly giving him up for forever? Could I do that? More, importantly, did I want to? Was it worth it? The answer was a resounding no.
I don't want it to seem like he was my reason for staying, at least not my only reason. I don't want him to feel responsible for it, and I don't want any doubt with anyone, that he was. I want no "blame" to ever some back to him for it. I love him, I really do, but if I felt going to South Korea was really something I needed to do, like I did a few months ago, I would go. I would miss him the way a fish would miss water, but I would go. Thing is, I finally figured out, it wasn't the going that drew me to the idea, it was what I wanted to get out of it. I really don't know if anything would do that for me though to be honest. I think, like with many things, I'm just going to have to fake and muddle my way through it...just like everyone else I suspect.
There was something else I wanted to say, but this entry is already wicked long, and it's almost time for me to leave for work.... So, for once, here is the very short version:
This past weekend, while Chris and I were taking a walk, he asked me if I would like, once I was settled with a job, and ready to move to Toronto, to look for a place with him. *beams* He was very sweet about it, I always thinke he is, when he's a little unsure. I almost had tears in my eyes I was so well pleased with his asking! I didn't think he liked having me around that much! Apparently he does. I said yes of course. It's something I thought of, but as a 'in the future' thing, once I'd moved to Toronto and all that. *grins* Such a practical man. He'd thought of that, wanted to skip over the living together but in two places bit. It's got me all fluttery and happy. He wants to keep me! No one's ever wanted to keep me before... Not that I've met many I've wanted to be kept by.. Ha. But yay. yay!
Yes, I'm happy, and now I have to get to work!