Friday, October 22, 2010

Frustrated with my Fibromyalgia

I'm so very frustrated.  So much so that I give myself a tension headache just thinking about it.

I've been bed-ridden all week. I went out Monday.  I got lots done.  Very early in the morning I met with my mother-in-law at St. Mike's after her MRI.  I kept her company, as she wasn't supposed to be alone for an hour afterwards. I guess they can do weird things to your head.  We had coffee and croissants. :)  She's fine btw, it was just a check-up.

I went home and changed (my pants died), then I walked to Young & Bloor. I bought myself a book along the way, and checked out Winners.  Some of the shoes in there! OMG!  My feet don't even bend that way. lol.  I went to shoppers, bought us toothbrushes (finally on sale!), and other toiletries.  I went to the Bay looking for some kind of purse/ bag, no luck sadly. I took the subway west to Dufferin Mall. I looked in all the stores I could think of for some kind of replacement messenger bag or backpack. I couldn't find anything I liked.  Saddening!  I did find something for my mom though.  I haven't been home, so I haven't given it to her. I can't wait! I really really hope she likes it! I also went shopping for me and actually found a pair of pants! With pockets!! And a zipper!  Proper jeans!! woohoo!

Then I came home and made ham hock and lentil soup.  It was the easiest soup I've ever made!  I LOVE my food processor!!

So, a very very very full day for me.  As a result the next day I felt like I'd been beat-up or run over my a Mack truck.  I spent the day in bed, sleeping for the most part.  I did manage to make muffins for Chris' work like he'd asked, but that's literally ALL I did.  I don't even think I managed showering. So sad.

Wednesday wasn't much better. I wasn't as sore, but I was still so weary.  And since I'd started reading an Anita Blake book, I was addicted, and spent the day reading.  I did manage to make a soup though. Roasted butternut squash, wedding pumpkin (as in left overs from the wedding gourds), and sweet potato, with caramelized onions.  I pureed the whole lot. Again, I just love my food processor!  Very delicious with crusty bread!  Me, I don't like it without...there just isn't enough chewing in that kind of soup. It's like my mouth/brain feels cheated somehow. I know, I know, I'm a weirdo.

Wednesday night Chris has a maintenance at work, which means he was working from 1am to 4am.  I stayed up, reading my book. Big Mistake. Huge.  But I just couldn't help myself.

So Thursday I again felt like I'd been run over. Only worse, because I was nauseous from sleep-deprivation.  I tried to sleep at much as I could, but my brain wasn't co-operating, and I spent the day in way too much pain for my body to even allow me to sleep for the most part.  My body is so angry at me I've had to take out my ear-rings!!!  I've not had to do that...since I stretched my lobes! o.0 I've also had to take my engagement ring off as the skin underneath it has also gone crazy... My face too. ugh. My body is just flaring and angry and sore.

It's really flipping frustrating! Damnit!

Today, Friday, I've done fuck all really.  I fed/made myself lunch, and showered. That's actually an accomplishment!  I didn't manage showering yesterday. I was too sore, weak and too shaky on my feet to chance it. How sad is that?!  Ugh.  I just really hate being so freaking helpless and useless.

I know I'm not useless all the time, but I've been bed-ridden all week!  Okay, four days, but it feels like a week, it's basically the whole work week!  I hate that I can't help Chris. I hate that I can't do dishes, or clean (at least the kitchen geez!), or get groceries, or make dinner.  I'm just a lump of pain.  Bah!  Bah, I say!

I know I can't change the fact that I have fibromyalgia.  I just didn't fucking rule my life like it does. Going from a useful active member, to a useless lump is damn frustrating I tell you!  I just want to not hurt so damn badly, and I don't know how to accomplish that. It's all so frustrating.

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