Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I'm really dreading going back to that place (mentioned below). I do not want to face that woman again. She crushed me. Although I think her expectatins are totally fucked up, I'm still feeling shitty and vulnerable, and she's going to make me feel worse. It's her gift.

I spent all last night beating myself up for being useless for two and a half years, I really don't need her help making myself feel worse.

I couldn't escape it, even in sleep. I just dreampt horrible, embarrassing/belittling things. I couldn't help it. I just kept thinking about how I was fired. How I should have seen it coming. How I've not been able to find any kind of decent employment since. I feel like an utter failure, professionaly.

I do not need that woman feeding my negativity. But she's so fucking condescending. The look she gave me when I told her the lowest salary I would accept, the lowest I could live on independantly. She looked so incredulous. How dare I think I could get that much. What. The. Fuck. Honestly now. I used to make the equivalent of $16/hr; I was paid a salary like the university graduate I am. From what I can tell, that's pretty standard for administrative assistant types. But I'm aiming way too high to even think I could get that kind of work?!

I do not want to talk to her again. She makes me angry. But in person I'm afraid she's just going to make me feel miserable, hopeless and useless again. I don't need that! I can do that all for myself thank-you-very-much.

I was looking for help, and instead I got the destroyer-of-hope. Gr.

I'm supposed to be going to an interview workshop there today. I really really don't want to go. But I guess I will. I feel like I have to. I may never go back there, however.

I have no 'game face'. I don't know how to wear a mask and pretend I'm someone and something I'm not. I don't have that kind of armour anymore. I don't know how to just shrug off her condescenion or her hope-crushing skills. I know she's wrong, but it still cuts like a knife. I have so little self-confidence as it is. *sigh* I don't need her feeding my worst nightmares!

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