Friday, January 2, 2009

Bad News in my Family

My Uncle Doug has been going downhill, and fast. Exponential rate I would say, as lately he's been much much worse. I didn't know till this morning. He and Aunt Barb never got back to Sauble Beach, and she had to get an ambulance to take him to the hospital tuesday as she could no longer care for him. Well last night, I believe, he passed on.

We're all kinda shocked it happened so fast. We knew he wouldn't be with us come next Christmas, that much was obvious. I had no idea he wouldn't make it through the winter however! Poor Aunt Barb! I want to say poor Uncle Doug, but he's gone now, no reason to feel badly for him. He's in a better place, I'd like to think. She's here dealing with it all. Poor woman.

Mom says she's going to stay with them. That's good. Being alone now would just make it all the harder. But seeing as theres in a 3 bedroom small house.... For me that means I will no longer have a room/space in it. :( I'm going to be truly homeless! I mean, I live here in Toronto with Chris, I have a roof, but I have no home. (I know, I know I'm selfish! Sue me!)

This is not my home. Chris sometimes pretends it is, but he still calls it his apartment when he's being pointed. It's not my home. Home in Hamilton has been feeling less and less like home for the past few months as I'm almost never there anyway... But it was still home, still my refuge when I needed it... It feels really really strange to think it won't be that anymore, can't be that.. There will be no room for me...... To think home won't be my home anymore.. I won't be able to go back.. It's scary...

It's also sad in... well many ways. It's been my home for 29 years. And even though I'm staying with Chris in Toronto 95% of the time, 80% of my stuff is still in my room back in Hamilton. As much as Chris says he likes having me around, there is no room here for me. No room here at all for any of my stuff. I don't really have that much stuff, but I have WAY more than there is room for here. Even ignoring the TV, VCR, DVDR, and my beloved Bose (that I miss VERY much), I have a LOT of clothes, a lot of DVDs, a lot of CDs, some books, a good bit of yarn, lots of shoes. None of which can have a home here. :( :(

So next time I go home to Hamilton I'll have to pack up all my stuff to give Aunt Barb some room. It should feel like her home now... Most of my stuff can saftely go in the attic in boxes. Some of it I can just throw out as I'm sure there is junk laying around too. The electronics will have to stay there. She can make use of the TV etc. I'll likely leave all the VHS, she just might want to watch. The DVDs will eiher have to come here or go up in the attic. Likely the attic as there is NO space for anything of mine here. :( I'm literally living out of a suitcase as it is. :(

I have no home, no job, no prospects. I feel like a displaced person.... Worse than all that, I'm faced with the unpleasant prospect of never being able to go home again. I don't have one anymore. And for a person like me.... it's heartbreaking.

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