Thursday, March 6, 2008

On the subject of Chronic Headaches

It's just so fucking painful. I don't know how I ever survived like this. I know I did. For more than 2 years I did. In this kind of "please just kill me now" pain every, every fucking day. I don't know how I did it. Just surviving is a fucking accomplishment. Working, oh fuck, working is way hard. Being polite, being upbeat, trying to be friendly, fuck, they are near imposible. And improving yourself? That's a fucking laugh. Just getting by is hard enough! I'm barely hanging on as it is! No one in this condition wants to add more trouble to their lives. No fucking wonder I got fired. No one wants to work with a grouch.

It's a disability you know, chronic pain. You can't function like other poeple. The expectation that you do is ridiculous. And no one, NO ONE, but those that have gone through periods of intense chronic pain can even begin to understand.

It's every day. Every night. All night. Even in sleep you don't escape it. Every moment of your life. You are fighting for normality. You are fighting just to get up. You are fighting to make breakfast, to shower, to get dressed. Walking out the door, down the steps, it's all a battle. It's hard won. It's exhausting. It never stops. You must always be fighting. It wears you down, bit by bit.

You can't be happy. You might have some semblance of happy, but it's not true happiness. You have this weight on you, bearing down, at all times. You just don't have the energy or freedom for real happiness.

How do I know this? I had about a year to recover, to become pain free. It took a long time for the pain to slowly ebb, and for my brain and body to adjust to the idea of not always being in constant pain. I did get used to if finally. And I noticed, with a kind of shock, as it had been so very long since I'd been without pain, that life was easier, that I was able to be happy, freely, truly, happy! I had so much more energy. I could be friendly and happy and polite and it was easy, oh so easy.

Happy surprised me the most. I thought I'd had moments of happiness during the chronic pain, but they paled in comparison. I mean literally paled. Like the difference between baby blue and true sky blue. It was as if I was living in a fog then, and now it had been lifted. The weight was gone, I felt so light. I got used to it...

And now the fucking pain is back. Back and full fucking force. I don't know what to do! I don't know how to fix it. I wake up almost every fucking morning with a headache that could fell a rhino. Nothing helps. No decongestant, no anti-histamine. I don't know what to do!

I still think it might be the way I'm sleeping but I really don't now how to fix that. I just.. I don't. Gods fucking damnit. I've known for the past ten years or so that sleeping with my head on an upward incline helps. Really helps. I've also learned that supporting my neck properly also helps. Helps a lot. I've been doing these things. That hasn't changed, but the pain is back, oh gods fucking help me, it's back.

It's no fucking wonder to me that people dealing with Chronic pain are often also depressed. You try living in a state of constant, life-crushing pain and being happy-go-lucky!

That's the thing that kills me most. Fucking doctors. You know what their best advice is to someone living with chronic pain?! Ignore it!!!!!!!!!

You heard me right, ignore it. Like it's even fucking possible to ignore it! I want to slap them when they tell me that. Actually I want to break their leg and make them walk around on it, and live their life "normally", sans cast, for the next 3 months. THEN we can fucking talk about how to treat chronic pain sufferers. It would be a different tune then, I tell you what.

No sympathy. NO understanding. That's my biggest beef. Doctors don't get it, and they just don't care how much suffering is involved. They can't fix it. That's the thing I suppose. They don't know how. They can give you pain killers, but only ever enough to take the edge off. Never ever enough to make you feel good - to make you feel pain free - just enough so you go about your life, suffering all the while.

I'm engraged, can you tell?! Is there really any other condition in medicine where they tell you to just suck it up and get on with life? You have an ulcer, oh well that's too bad, eat more regularly, and chin up, NEXT! I don't think so. It's because you can't see it. You can't feel someone elses pain, so doctors just don't fucking care. It's a non-problem for them. Of course it is, they aren't the ones that have to go through every fucking day of their lives in so much pain they want to die.

Make no mistake, death is looking pretty damn good from here. I'm not reglious, I don't have some kind of paradise or firey hell waiting for me. Just death. Sweet oblivion. And the kicker is, all things considered, I like my life!!! I have a man that loves me and I love him dearly, I have wonderful friends, I have great family, other than the pain I'm healthy, I'm smart and a hardworker, I know someone will hire me eventually. But right now, oh fuck, death looks pretty damn good. It's an escape! It's a way to get out of this fucking constant pain.

I want to cry. Every morning I wake up like this I want to cry. I want to stay in bed, stay unconcious. I don't want to face the world. I don't want to do anything that involves moving. Moving makes it worse. But I get up, I go about my day, I'm not sunshine, ha, no, but I do it. Why? Becuase I have to. Because if I don't I won't have a life. Bills have to get paid, things have to get done. I can't let the pain rule my life.

Sometimes I think people don't understand how I could be in pain becuase I do just that. I get up and I keep going. Perhaps if they knew both sides of me. If they saw what I was like on days when I'm dealing with the pain, when I'm miserable, and it takes every once of my will just to put on a wane smile and keep moving. If they saw what I was like when the pain was gone, when I smile, joke, and almost bounce around with energy and happiness. If they could just see the outward difference maybe, just maybe, they could beleive something was different inside, from my perspective too.


Hannah Davidsson said...

I remember your headaches.. To have someone tell you something so stupid as to live with it is hard to bear.

Btw, i just decided to put your name into google a random day at the office. I found this, i found You :)

Im sure you dont remember me just take it as someone who cares wheather you are in pain or not.


Melissa Hazelton said...

If you are who I think you are, then there is no possible way I could ever forget about you! When I'm old and grey I will still remember you and smile.

In fact, if you want the truth, there were tears of joy at the possibility of it actually being you. I remember well. You aren't so easily forgettable. *hug*

H. said...

Aww..Such a sweet kitten :) Drop me a line at if you feel like it. I seem to have lost your email adress so I cant write you.


Hannah said...

I was hoping to hear from you before I left for my conference. Ill be away for easter, I actually hoped you would write and tell me how you were *pout*

It makes me smile within to read that youre happy, i wish you nothing but rainbows and fluffy clouds:)


Melissa Hazelton said...

But I *did* write you!!! I did! I must have got your email address wrong?? I used it just as typed.. was that wrong?

If you want you can emal me at: Melissa.C.Hazelton @ (just remove those spaces, gods I hope I don't get spamed for doing that)