Monday, August 4, 2014

Ignorance is Bliss

Well, at least now I know what "well enough" meant, and I was right - it's never ever going to happen.  Apparently I'm overweight and chronically ill so obviously I shouldn't eat cake EVER and I need to stop putting all the adult decisions on him.

The first part is obvious, the conclusion makes me think he's been talking to or rather listening to sources I thought he agreed with me were batshit crazy. But apparently not.

I've been overweight since I was five months old. This is not fucking new. I was fat when he met me, granted I'm way grossly fatter now, but I was still fucking fat.

Hell, less than a month before my birthday he was bringing me home someone else's birthday cupcakes. So it was okay then, but suddenly now I'm not allowed to ever have cake again?! 

And what the hell, he'll celebrate a friend's birthday, he'll share cake with HER, but he won't with me?!?!??? I'm his wife, he's supposed to be happy I was born damnit.

So, yeah I'm overweight. Yeah I'm chronically ill. No, I shouldn't have cake every day but birthday cake is fucking sacred, and who he fuck is he to decide what I do and don't eat?!

My brain can't stop replaying it. I'm too fat to have cake on my own god damn birthday....

He is right though -- I'm obviously incapable of making any adult decisions. I'm a useless piece of shit and I really don't understand why the fuck he's still married to me, but I'm too chickenshit to ask.

Also, I'm so ragingly mad right now anything I say is going to come out wrong. But I don't think there is a right way to say any of the things I'm thinking.

I just wish I was dead. Everyone would be so much better off if I was just dead. I wouldn't be such a horrible burden. He woudln't have to take care of me.  He'd be guilt free to go date healthy skinny women. My parents could stop worrying about their broken down, useless daughter who will never be able to take care of herself. And I could stop living in hell. Everyone wins. Just shoot me now.

I hate myself so much I just want to bash my own head in.

1 comment:

Lorysa said...

My heart aches for you - but I don't understand why you don't see that we all genuinely are concerned for you. You mentioned in your last post that you don't over eat - but the cold hard fact of the matter is if you are gaining weight you ARE over eating for your activity level.

You are a smart woman with a scientific mind. Why are you so dead set on conducting an experiment with your weight? No, it might not have any effect, but you might also find that you feel a bit better. Will it cure you? no.. but isn't even a reduction in pain better than nothing? Please help me understand why you're willing to do and try everything EXCEPT this?

Give me a month - I'll work with you and help you with a meal plan... I promise you won't feel hungry or deprived, and it won't involve any exercise. If you don't feel ANY improvement in that month, then I will write a public apology and never bother you again.