Friday, April 29, 2011

Stymied by Depression

I'm been fighting depression all week long. Sadness, worry, anxiety, fear, stick to me like a fucking fungus. Heart-breaking defeat a gangrene in my psyche.

I feel stymied. Frozen by fear. Fear that if I move, if I do, if I say something I'm going to break, I'm going to hurt myself, hurt him, make things so much worse. So I do nothing. Say nothing. Put all my energy in not doing. In getting by in silence. I am not silent by nature. It's not fucking easy for me.

Ironically, I've been more active this week than I have in months. At least, all in a row. I've been out and walking, carrying, pushing, every day but Wednesday. I needed to sleep, I was exhausted. But I was out again yesterday. I'm hoping to go out today. But as usual, I'm afraid.

My fear pisses him off. I don't think he understands how paralyzing it can be. Maybe he's been here. Maybe he's beaten it and doesn't understand how I can't. But I can't. It's part of who I am. I can fight it, but it will never be gone.... It will win sometimes, and sometimes I win. I'm not as strong as I wished I was. I know I'm not as strong as he thought. Everyone gets disappointed in me for that at some point. I've seen it in the eyes of everyone who has ever believed in me. They do it wrongly. I'm not worth it. Even when I worn people, they don't believe until I disappoint them. =/

Maybe I have some kind of anxiety disorder. It's totally possible. I mean, who gets afraid of going on the subway when they haven't for a week or so? Who is afraid of rush hour on the subway to the point of avoiding going out?! Who is afraid to go to the gym because they haven't been in months? It's not that I'm worried about what the people that work there will think, it's not even that I've forgotten etiquette or how to work the machines.... I'm just..... afraid. I can't explain it. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe it's because I'm even bigger now, and I'll be the fattest person there. I mean, fuck, I was before, but now I'm fucking gargantuan. *sigh* Maybe I just don't want to be seen... I'm embarrassed by how I look, by my ugly body, by my weakness for getting myself here. It's my own damn fault and I know it. But that doesn't feel right either. That's not why I'm afraid. The fear has no logic. Perhaps that's the sign of mental illness.

Not much of a surprise. I've been battling depression on and off since I was 13 maybe? Maybe 15? I've been battling pain since I was 15 too. Correlation? Maybe, but the pain wasn't constant back then. It's only been constant for the past 6 years. Six fucking years. And there's no end in sight. This is how the rest of my life is going to be. A battle for every day. And I'm going to lose more than I win. I'm going to be fucking useless like I am now. I just don't have the strength to fight like I know I need to. I just. I don't have it in me. I don't.

We hate in others what we hate in ourselves, the bits we try to hide. I hate weakness. To me, it's unforgivable. And it's my most hated flaw. I'm weak. I have no discipline, no drive, no determination, no motivation. I let the fear win. I let the pain win. I have no fight left. I'm weak. And I hate it. But I can't fix it. I just don't know how.


Acorn said...

Dear Mrs Hazelnut,

you do indeed have an anxiey disorder, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Moreover it is entirely possible to cure it - completely. The problem is that you have a very strong imagination and creative intelligence, which you are (subconsciously) allowing to frighten you and which has you in an adrenalin loop of fear and constant triggering of the fight/flight response. This all happens without your even being aware of it.

I had this same problem from a very young age - I began to suffer from depression aged 11. Later on in my mid-thirties, it turned into M.E./CFS and I became very sick and housebound. However I found the way to overcome it and worked at setting my anxiety levels back to normal and now I am almost completely cured.

I found the Linden Method very helpful. Charles Linden suffered from a very high anxiety disorder himself, and discovered the whole process which leads to such disorders, and how to reverse it. It's not expensive, and you get the support you need, through emails to help you through the whole recovery process.

I think his method may be the best, though I know there available too. Wish I could email you to tell you more!

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Acorn (!)

Acorn said...

PS As far as I know, the adrenalin is also responsible for your fibromyalgia, so once you have got rid of the anxiety, that should clear up too.

It's not that you're a weak person - it's that you are probably very strong, but your strength is going in the wrong direction at present. Hope that makes sense.