Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Good with the Bad....

Life throws some curve balls.... Just about the time I met Chris my health issues were coming to a head, ie. I was at my breaking point.  I think I did break. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces.... But it's like I'm a blind cripple with one hand, and there are thousands of pieces... It's slow hard work.

Sometimes, when I'm in more pain than I can bare, I think 'what I wouldn't give to be pain-free!!', at that point I often feel like I'd give up anything, just anything.  But when I'm clearer headed. When the pain is there but not enough to fog my mind, like today, I realise, there are just some things I would never give up.  Like my husband.  If I had to choose having him, his love, his support, his presence in my life or being pain-free, I'd pick him. He's worth it.  What would my life be worth without him in it?  Who would I have to share my life with? I'm often lonely.  I'm not very good at being social.... I'm shy, and awkward, and I just.. yeah, I end up lonely... But without him, it would just be so much worse... If I was pain free, I'm sure I'd have some kind of job, and  such, but I'd come home to an empty apartment, I'd sleep alone... there would be no cuddles, no kisses...and so much more that means he's mine and I'm his.

The whole is greater than it's parts... That's the thing.  I'm a sap. I know it.  But life is just so much better with him in it.  Even with the pain.  And that's fucking saying something boys and girls!

I'm still no good at fighting the pain. I'm just not. I think I broke that part of me.  I don't know how to get it back, I just don't. But I think I'm slowly learning, or re-learning how to just get up and do something.  I'm trying to not expect superhero-ism from myself that I see in my friends.  I can't do that.  But I can do something. So that's what I'm focusing on.  I can't concur the world in a day, but I can say, go out and get groceries when the pain isn't too bad. I can get up and shower and do dishes on days when I hurt. Even if that's all I do, that's something.  And something is more than nothing. I'm fighting this battle in inches, in centimeters even.  Every little thing counts. So I'm trying to keep doing, even if it's little.  I feel better when I do something with myself every day.  So I just have to keep doing, and I've been doing rather well. Not huge things, but I got groceries this week, I've baked 6 dozen cookies, and I've done more loads of dishes than I can count.  That's not too shabby really.

I still haven't figured out how to get myself back to the gym. Honestly, I'm scared.  I don't know why. It's stupid. It's irrational. Totally dumb-ass. But I can't help it. I'm just scared to go in there. I'm scared that... that the few machines I know how to use, and don't hurt me will be busy and I won't know what to do with myself. I'm scared I'll get on something else and my knees will scream, and I'll push, and then I'll end up in bed for a month, again, crying, sobbing, unable to sleep, in absolute misery, and I'll loose what little hold on being a person I have.  I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to get on those bikes. I'm terrified of them.  But for some reason this fear sits in the pit of my stomach.  That and well, I'm the size of a house. I just feel really weird about going to the gym damnit. It's fucked up. But there it is.  Damn fear. I really need to just get over it. It won't be so bad once I go there once. I was hoping to go with the hubby, but work for him has been all hours, and he's exhausted. He has enough trouble just getting through the work day never mind going to the gym.

Today my goal is to get yarn for Chris' mittens. Tomorrow I want to go to the gym in the morning. It's all I am letting myself have on my plate. That's part of the trouble for me. If I go to the gym, I'm worried I'll use up all my day's energy and I won't be able to do anything else.... But I need to get back at it. I really need to get more active.  Hopefully I can manage. I don't know if my fibro will even let me.  But I have to try. I just have to.  I do not want to have surgery. I don't. I really really don't. damnit.

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