Friday, February 27, 2009

Fun with Topamax (not, rant ahead)

So, today, last night that is, I started the first increase in dosage of this god-forsaken drug. I didn't sleep much. I kept having ultra vivid nonsensical dreams that would wake me up in a panic. Total anxiety attack. I'd have to pull out of our usual sleeping cuddle because being touched was too much - it made me panic all the more. I'd curl up in a ball, my head hanging off the bed, hyperventilating, trying very hard not to scream. It felt like the logic centres of my brain were exploding. I don't know how else to put it. Horrible, horrible anxiety. I thought I was going to go insane.

For the first half of the night, my brain really thought those vivid dreams were real, and whatever was in them that my brain felt needed freaking out over (I know it was some kind of logic problem) was actually real. It was like a hallucination, or perhaps in fact it just was a hallucination. Isn't that in fact the definition? When you can't tell reality from what's going on in your head? Yeah. Fun. It wasn't until later in the night that I realised I was dreaming and freaking out about a dream. At that point I realised it was the vile god-forsaken drug I was taking that was fucking with my head. That helped with the anxiety attacks, but only just a little. I would still wake up in an utter panic. I still couldn't stand to be touched. I still felt like the logic centres of my brain were exploding, like my whole brain was on fire really, like I might never be able to think again. It was very very scary. Hence the hyperventilating, I think. It was still very very hard not to scream for all my lungs were worth. The only reason I know for sure I didn't scream is that I would have for sure woken Chris up fully, and I know I never did that.

Now my tummy hates me. Boo!!! I just ate my morning yogurt and I feel like I need to vomit. Or curl up in a ball and wait until the pain subsides. It's going to fuck with my stomach again, I just know it. When I started taking this medication (for the second time, there was a false start in there), it totally fucked with my stomach. I mean, four days of hell. Every time I ate or drank anything, no matter how little, my stomach got so, so upset. I spent all of last Wednesday to Saturday curled up in a ball. Friday was the worst, every time I ate something, I'd end up crying myself to sleep. It hurt that badly. By Friday night though it started to get a little better. And Chris, tired as he was from his very long week, went and got me chocolate ice cream. It was ever so nice of him, and I, I hate a huge bowl of it, and loved every bite. I didn't even regret it that much! Sadly Saturday morning and afternoon weren't too great either. Damn drug.

Oh gods, and as I sit here, yeah, it's going to be just like that. How much fucking hell am I supposed to put up with?!?!! Honestly now. Chris thinks I should keep taking the drug, but that I should call the Dr. at every turn it seems. I'm not used to that sort of thinking, the calling that is. I don't like to bug.. But after the hallucinations last night, yes, he's right, I need to know if that's normal or not or what. But for me, frankly, the whole, "Your BC might not work so you have to use condoms for as long as you are on this medication", that was the deal breaker. The flashing lights I'm now seeing are also a worry. But I don't know if they are just the drug fucking with my brain or my eyes. I've got an appointment to see an eye doctor in March (it was the soonest I could), to see if my eyes are in fact okay or not. If the drug is in fact fucking with my eyes, then that is a total deal breaker. I have terrible vision as it is. I need my eyes. I'll live with the pain if it comes down to it. I need to be able to see damnit. Though, maybe I'm just paranoid, but it certainly feels like my vision is suffering. :(

I also think I'm going to give myself an ulcer worrying about the whole pregnancy thing. I do not want to get pregnant. And now that I just had my mumps shot is it imperative that I don't get pregnant. *sigh* Fucking drugs. All of them fuck with me. None of them ever do any good. Why is that? Damnit.

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